Screw it.

I wrote a whole missive. A screed. A sad, hopeful, heartfelt, flowery diatribe about the nature of ten months since we last spoke. A commentary on life and death and society and community. On the trials we have faced and the tests we have passed (and those we have failed).

But enough of that. Not now. Not on Scott Frost Day.

No, I can’t tell you anything about life that the last year and a half hasn’t already screamed at you until your ears bled. But what I can do? I can tell you about the GOD DANG BIG TEN, that’s what. The grace. The beauty. The weight room. The community. The Rotel. To hell with “returning to normal.” We are where we are. We’ll start the war from right here.

For those of you who are new, every week we’ll do a rundown of the of Michigan’s opponents, and see what information we can glean. And, when that fails, we’ll talk about some random history or particle physics, and laugh at some juvenile bodily function jokes. Don’t blame me. I don’t make the rules.

Western Michigan

Last year: 4-2 (4-2 MAC)

Obligatory stoned horsey

Recap: So, first a caveat. From a data standpoint, 2020 was… complicated. Uneven, conference-only schedules and COVID pauses and cancelled games and /waves wildly at the entirety of 2020/ make it challenging for us to extrapolate. So, for these purposes, we will assume that everyone else’s 2020 was a normal year from which we can draw valuable conclusions, and that Michigan’s year was a complete and total aberration from which no conclusions may be drawn. I see no flaw in this logic. 

Western Michigan started the year 4-0, before losing to Ball State ⁠— RANKED Ball State, mind you ⁠— and Eastern Michigan. They scored 41.7 points per game, but surrendered 34.2 points per game. After a 45 point win in their opener against Akron, all five of their remaining games were decided by a single score.  

When last we saw them: Michigan defeated Western 49-3 in 2018, outgaining the Broncos 451-208. Karan Higdon, Chris Evans, and Tru Wilson rushed for 296 yards on 29 carries. Ben Mason killed some folk. Nice little Saturday.

This team is as frightening as (Global Pandemic Edition): Stomach flu. Probably not a big deal. Just plan appropriately, or you will poop yourself and never hear the end of it. Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about: Western brings back all but three starters from an above-average MAC team.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Michigan has won all seven matchups against Western Michigan (6 of which have been played since 2001), which is more impressive when you consider the talent gap Michigan has faced at times.

When they play Michigan: The 2009, 2011, and 2018 Western Michigan games all had an “oh, right, Michigan can be not abysmal at football” feel. It seems like this is a similar opportunity.

First game: @ Michigan, noon, ESPN

[AFTER THE JUMP: We make new dog friends. Some are good dogs. Others are not.]

Washington

Last year: 3-1 (3-1 Pac-12)

Recap: Even in a year of halting, abbreviated seasons, Washington’s season was notably halting and abbreviated. Their opener with Cal was cancelled because of COVID in Cal’s squad. The Apple Cup was cancelled because of COVID at Washington State (which, in hindsight… yeah who could’ve seen that coming), and the Pac 12 substituted Utah onto their schedule four days before the game. Then COVID within the Washington program forced them to bow out of their season finale against Oregon, as well as the Pac 12 Championship Game.

Overall, Washington under Chris Petersen was more Rick Neuheisel than Tyrone Willingham. Petersen’s winning percentage in his six seasons (68%) was the highest of any Huskies coach since Enoch Bagshaw. Yes, THAT Enoch Bagshaw. Now Washington is led by someone called Jimmy Lake, who had no prior head coaching experience and only two seasons as a full fledged coordinator prior to his ascension to the head gig last year. He was the defensive backs coach for the 2008 Detroit Lions, though, so hey, NFL experience.

When last we saw them: Sitting there on a sweltering August day, dehydrated, sunburned, and having all but resigned ourselves to a painful fate, 44 yards has never seemed so far. There wasn’t a chance in hell Phil Brabbs was going to hit that kick. It may as well have been 74 yards. Or 174. With a football made of silly putty. And Dikembe Mutombo standing on the crossbar wagging a finger. Then this happened.

Michigan and Washington split a pair of back-to-back Rose Bowls in 1992 and 1993, and then split a home-and-home in 2001 and 2002. The latter is one of, what, a half-dozen moments of pure, unsullied, run-yelling-incoherently-through-the-streets joy (football division) in Ann Arbor in the last two decades?

RELATED NOTE: Photog Extraordinaire and Friend of the Program Marc-Grégor Campredon (@MarcGregor) has been working on a documentary about this game. You can see the teasers at https://44yards.com/. It is going to, as the kids say, slap.

RELATED NOTE TO THE RELATED NOTE: Do the kids say that anymore?

This team is as frightening as: The Black Death. Traveled a long distance to get here, has about a 50% chance of killing you. Probably caused some damage in its homeland, too, but records and media coverage from that area at that time are sparse and unreliable. Side note: the Black Death has been called the biggest economic turning point in European history, as the resulting catastrophe created job openings and shifting attitudes among the commoners that ultimately led to societal improvements. Just sayin’, if Michigan loses, there is some potential upside. Fear Level = 7

Michigan should worry about: It’s a night game, so Michigan won’t have the Body Clocks advantage.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: That army of 2002 Marlin Jackson clones will be turning 19 this year, so they will hopefully be unveiled in time for this one.

When they play Michigan: Along with Illinois/Virginia, Oregon/Ohio State, and Rutgers/Syracuse, this weekend features the true kickoff of matchups between members of THE ALLIANCE (if we pretend Oregon State/Purdue didn’t happen Week 1. Which we are absolutely going to do, even if it isn't intentional).

First game: vs. Montana, 8:00 p.m., PAC 12 Network. Yes, we’re still trying to make the PAC 12 Network happen.

Northern Illinois

Last year: 0-6 (0-6 MAC)

Recap: NIU tried. It did not go well.

When last we saw them: Michigan has faced NIU exactly once: a 33-17 win in 2005. There is no additional information to glean from this encounter. You may continue scrolling.

This team is as frightening as: Cooties. Fear Level = 2

NOTE: It is true that the Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot Cooties Vaccine has received Emergency Playground Use Authorization, but has not yet received full FDA approval. Don’t let that dissuade you; millions of Americans have received the Cooties Shot without incident. Do not be tempted into unscientific fringe remedies like the Cootie Catcher. I’m begging you. Take this seriously.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: NIU will probably be starting a grad transfer quarterback who has completed <48% of his career passes for 5.7 yards per attempt, has more interceptions (14) than touchdowns (11), and out of his 22 appearances has thrown for at least 7.5 yards per attempt exactly once.

Michigan should worry about: It’s Rocky Lombardi, and that one game was against Michigan.

When they play Michigan: Two consecutive weeks against the Huskies? Such a missed opportunity for a trifecta, Warde…

First game: @ Georgia Tech, 7:30 p.m., ACC Network.

Rutgers

Last year: 3-6 (3-6 B1G)

Recap: As is often the case with Rutgers, the good news and the bad news are one and the same: Rutgers’ three Big Ten wins matched their highest Big Ten win total ever.

Greg Schiano’s second tour started… fine. Not GREAT, mind you; they were still outgained by 1.3 yards per play on average, and had the worst offense in the conference. But Rutgers reached above .500 in conference play for the first time ever (with a record of 1-0 from October 24 through October 31), and their 26.7 points per Big Ten game was their best output since joining the Big Ten, and was more than twice their next best output since 2016. Hell, it wasn’t inconceivable that they could have won more games; they lost to Illinois by 3, to Nebraska by 7, and to Michigan by 6 in triple overtime.

Wait… what was that last one?

When last we saw them: There is a lot of stuff about 2020 that is going to be memory-holed, but I’m not sure anything will bring a stronger sense of “oh my god I forgot that happened” than this:

Noah Vedral threw for 381 yards. 381! Rutgers led 17-0, late in the first half! Do you remember Giles Jackson returning a kickoff for a touchdown? Or Rutgers throwing an 11 yard touchdown pass on 4th and 9 with 30 seconds left in regulation? Or Rutgers, needing only a field goal to win, not trying to advance the ball at all and missing a game-winning 45 yard field goal? I watched that whole damn four-and-a-half-hour long game that ended after midnight, and before reviewing to write the Rutgers HTTV preview for this year, all I remembered was that it happened, it sucked, and Michigan won.

This team is as frightening as: Onchocerciasis. If you’re from Michigan, you have to go WAY out of your way to put yourself at risk. But if you manage to mess around and find out, you’ll spend the next decade or so trying to scratch your skin off. Fortunately, there’s a treatment for onchocerciasis called… never mind, NEVER MIND, ABANDON ANALOGY. I REPEAT, ABANDON ANALOGY. Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about: Two of the three highest passing yardage games allowed over the last decade belong to Rutgers quarterbacks. The list goes Gary Nova, Dwayne Haskins, Noah Vedral. I don’t know what it means, but holy crap it worries me. Like, as a member of society.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Times change. Rutger remains.

When they play Michigan: Maybe don’t let NOAH FREEKING VEDRAL throw for a billionty yards.

First game: vs Temple, 6:30 p.m. Thursday, BTN

Wisconsin

Last year: 4-3 (3-3 B1G), Beat Wake Forest in the Duke’s Mayo Bowl, 42-28

Recap: Wisconsin started the year by scoring 45 points against Illinois and 49 points against Michigan. They then scored 40 points in their next 4 games… combined. Then they scored 42 points in a Duke’s Mayo Bowl victory.

Maybe it was the result of losing several weeks early in the year to a COVID pause, or playing an entire schedule in late fall in the upper Midwest ⁠— the highest temperature for any of their games was 40 degrees ⁠— but Wisconsin put up its lowest offensive yards-per-play average (4.9 YPP) since 2004.

When last we saw them: Mistakes were made.

This team is as frightening as: Night Of The Living Dead-style zombie apocalypse. Slow, lumbering, cold, predictable, relentless. They win primarily based on depth and mass. Fear Level = 8

Michigan should worry about: Michigan hasn’t won in Madison since 2001. Think of how long ago that was. The original Harry Potter was in theaters. Michael Jackson had just released a new album. The United States had been in Afghanistan for about a month.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Lol man you must be new here.

When they play Michigan: I mean, what are the odds that Michigan goes down 28-0 at the half for a third year in a row? Pretty low, right?

First game: vs. Penn State, noon, FOX

Nebraska

Last year: 3-5 (3-5 B1G)

Recap: /We open on a dark, empty time. The world is in chaos. A grand conspiracy had taken hold, with the institutions that rely heavily on college football and the institutions who rely heavily on broadcasting college football colluding to kill college football. Because reasons. Everyone had forgotten about college football… except for one brave voice. One clarion angel of our better nature stood, unbowed, in front of the Fogo de Chão. And he spoke:

“HEY! Football please.”

And the walls came tumbling down. The spell was broken. The forces of darkness could not stand the red light of truth shone by our hero. And football returned to the land.

Alas, like many tragic heroes, Nebraska’s sacrifice came at a cost. They lost five of their eight games, including a 35 point loss to Ohio State and an 18 point loss to Illinois. Fortunately, Illinois at least acknowledged the role Nebraska played in bringing our beloved season back.

Interestingly enough, Nebraska opens the season against Illinois. An Illinois team that is now led by Bret Bielema. God this is a gloriously stupid sport. 

When last we saw them: Despite being a member of the same conference, Michigan has only faced Nebraska once during the Harbaugh Era. And even that wasn’t much of a game; Michigan led the 2018 matchup 39-0 at the half en route to a 56-10 mollywopping. Ben Mason scored three touchdowns, and Scott Frost kicked a field goal on 4th and 5 from the Michigan 18 yard line while down 46-0.

This team is as frightening as: Smallpox. Used to be devastating, but despite the fact that they were eradicated a few decades ago, they are the regular subject of breathless –  bordering on hysterical – articles asking “OOOOH BUT WHAT IF THEY COME BACK THIS YEAR?” They do not come back this year. Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about: But what if they come back this year?

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Since 1962, Nebraska has finished at least a full game under .500 five times. Three of those five? Scott Frost’s first three seasons in Lincoln. The other two got their respective coaches fired. In those same three seasons, UCF has gone 28-8.

When they play Michigan: The fire from the Frost/Harbaugh hot seat #takes could power a small, underachieving city.

First game: at Illinois, 1:00 p.m. THIS Saturday, FOX