Part 1 can be found here.

Remember FOOTBALL?

Yes, I know football never goes away, even during the offseason. We’ve spent months talking about conference realignment and NIL and division structures and NIL and the transfer portal and NIL and coaching salaries and recruiting rankings and ticket prices and NIL. But that’s football. I’m talking about FOOTBALL.

[Fuller]

One does not discuss FOOTBALL. FOOTBALL is not an active, purposeful decision. It is an involuntary reaction. An irresistible response to a stimulus planted deep in one’s soul. Those of us who are afflicted are the sleeper agents of chaos. Manchurian Candidates of loud noises. And from January through August we wait.

FOOTBALL is the thing that makes you yell stupid, obvious things like “FUMBLE” and “THAT’S A HOLD” and “GET HIM.” It causes you to sing Mr. Brightside from the diaphragm to no one in particular. It causes a full body-and-soul reaction when you see a wheel route developing and you realize OH MY GOD IT’S COMING OPEN, or when you see that the blind side corner blitz is going to get home and you find yourself praying to the Gods of Old ⁠— I prefer Marduk, but Quetzalcóatl is also a fine choice ⁠— that the quarterback won’t get rid of the ball in time. It’s the thing that causes your body to try to expel 37 thoughts at once, but they all come out as LETSGOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGGGHHHHHH.

LETSGOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGGGHHHHHH [Barron]

It an ancient impulse, dating back to the first human to master fire; this thing had a million practical implications, but in that moment all he could do was to stare into the blazing tinder and yell HOLY SHIT WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS THING.

It’s Touchdown Manningham and Wide Open Is Gallon and O-JA-BO. It’s a punt return against Ohio State and a punt return against Ohio State. It’s Braylonfest. It’s the spittle that is still welded to your screen from the profanity you spewed when Karan Higdon got called for holding or Khaleke Hudson got called for pass interference. It’s Ronnie Bell breaking open for a long touchdown and Blake Corum hitting the outside and Erick All screaming down the sidelines in direct defiance of the collective will of 100,000 silent white statues. It’s the hurdles. My god the hurdles.

There is a lot to hate about football. But football holds the trump card: it can ⁠— and will ⁠—boil the stupid, stupid universe of football down to its essential elements, stripped bare of all the bullshit and hypocrisy and foolishness. And the powers that be know that. They know we will tolerate football because of FOOTBALL.

The ratio of football to FOOTBALL has been steadily increasing over recent years. Perhaps eventually it will hit a tipping point where the FOOTBALL is no longer worth the football. Who knows how much longer we will care the way we care. Who knows how much longer I will be writing this stupid column every week. Who knows how long until we, one by one, shrug and silently walk off to the rest of our lives.

But this is not that time. This is still, for this moment at least, a time of FOOTBALL.

The Road Ahead, Continued

Penn State

Last year: 7-6 (4-5 B1G), lost Outback Bowl to Arkansas, 24-10

Recap: Penn State was 5-0, with wins over #11 Wisconsin and #22 Auburn, and they had a 14-point lead at Kinnick against #3 Iowa. Then Kinnick opened its maw and swallowed PJ Mustipher with a side of Sean Clifford’s ribs. As a result, they finished with losses in 6 of their last 8 games, only managing wins against Maryland (non-September edition) and Rutgers. On the bright side, they did play each of Ohio State, Michigan, and Michigan State close.

But y’all don’t want to talk about that, do you.

Fine, here it is.

Sickos.

Fun Fact: if Penn State went undefeated in conference play in 2022, then went undefeated again in conference play in 2023, then went undefeated AGAIN in 2024, James Franklin would still have a worse Big Ten winning percentage than Jim Harbaugh’s current conference win percentage of .712. In fact, the last time James Franklin had a better total Big Ten winning percentage was 2014, when Franklin’s .250 was better than Harbaugh’s #DIV/0.

Unrelated Fun Fact: James Franklin signed a 10 year, $85 million contract extension this offseason. Every nickel of which is guaranteed.

When last we saw them: Selective memory is a hell of a thing. I think we all generally remember that the arc of the 2021 season was generally upward. What that glosses over is that the “Fire Harbaugh, burn Schembechler Hall to the ground, and pour a massive Chernobyl-style concrete containment dome over the entire athletic campus to prevent any further contamination” train was full ⁠— I mean Tokyo rush hour subway car full ⁠— with 4 minutes left in Michigan’s game against Penn State. On NOVEMBER GODDANG 13th. Just 14 days before Michigan won the Big Ten East and 21 days before they won a full-on Big Ten title and clinched a playoff berth.

Then Erick All did a thing.

LETSGOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGGGHHHHHH [Barron]

God bless this stupid sport.

This team is as frightening as: Penn State, circa any year ever. Fear Level = 7.5

Michigan should worry about: Sean Clifford is actually pretty good when healthy.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: The trajectory of modern Penn State quarterbacks has been consistently downward, and the reason isn’t complicated: they get beat to hell. Because their offensive line has been bad since forever. In the 8 seasons since 2014 (when Maryland and Rutgers joined to make up the current Big Ten), Penn State has surrendered 32.6 sacks per year, DEAD LAST in the Big Ten. This isn’t about the post-Paterno cratering, either; Penn State has allowed a conference-worst 31.2 sacks per year over the last four seasons, including being worst in the conference in 2020 and 2021.

When they play Michigan: Penn State will be 5-0. Prepare the contract extensions.

First game: @ Purdue, 9:00 p.m. Thursday, FOX

---------------------

Michigan State

Last year: 11-2 (7-2 B1G); won Peach Bowl over Pitt, 31-21

Recap: It wasn’t luck.

Sure, MSU trailed in the second half of six of their nine conference games. Sure, they probably should have lost to Nebraska and Michigan (both had second half win expectancies over 90%), and could easily have lost to Indiana and Penn State. Sure, they were seventh in the Big Ten in SP+, barely above Nebraska. And sure, their Peach Bowl victory came over Pitt’s third-string quarterback in place of their Heisman finalist. And sure, they were basically an 8.5 win team that won 11 games.

“Luck” suggests Michigan State just had those things handed to them. But in nerd-speak, luck was a necessary condition, not a sufficient condition. They still had to take advantage of those breaks. Like, if Michigan State was on Jeopardy, it would still be impressive if they won, even if they caught a break and the categories included “Teams That Had Trouble With A Snap That One Time,” “Upholstery Thermodynamics,” and “First Weekend NCAA Tournament Exits.”

Now, to be sure, there were clearly flaws. The biggest was the pass defense; they surrendered a nation-worst 325 passing yards per game, including 536 to Purdue and 393 in the first half against Ohio State. The offensive line was still terrible, and their deficiencies were largely papered over by Kenneth Walker’s general awesomeness. And Walker is, thankfully, gone.

So, the task for MSU in 2022 is to show that, while 2021 was a little fortunate, their success is sustainable. Prove that this isn’t just something that a rich guy is throwing money behind because he doesn’t know what else to do with his money. Prove there is some real substance behind the hype. Prove they are creating a real, viable model for continued growth and success.

Sustainable. Tangible. Substantive.

#NFTuck is here!

I’ve launched #NFTuck, a series of NFTs that will give fans the chance to purchase digital & physical collectibles from my vault of personal items.

Proceeds of #NFTuck will go to @BGCA_Clubs of Southeastern Michigan. pic.twitter.com/pN9R58TVSU

— Mel Tucker (@Coach_mtucker) August 4, 2022

…or you could go that direction I suppose.

When last we saw them: Michigan led 30-14 late in the third quarter. It is unclear what happened after that. No records seem to exist.

This team is as frightening as: Final Destination 7. Yes, it’s the same plot over and over again. And yes, it’s dumb. But yes, it’ll keep happening, and yes, there are a gratuitous number of disembowlings. Fear Level = 8

Michigan should worry about: It’s at Michigan Stadium… where Michigan has lost 5 of the last 7 to Sparty, often in the dumbest ways imaginable.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: /whispers, lest the DISRESPECKT gods smite me/

They still weren’t all that good, and they don’t project to be all that good this year.

When they play Michigan: I don’t wanna.

First game: vs. Western Michigan, 7:00 p.m. Friday, ESPN

 

Rutgers

Last year: 5-8 (2-7 B1G); lost Gator Bowl to Wake Forest, 38-10

Recap: Mediocre Rutgers. Where’s the fun in that?

They were still bad, sure. They only beat two bad conference opponents ⁠(Illinois and Indiana), lost to two other bad conference opponents (Northwestern and Maryland), and only kept one of their five games against decent conference opponents close (their 7-point loss to Michigan). But they also

But they weren’t hilariously bad, nor were they at least interesting in their mediocrity. They don’t score a lot of points. They don’t allow a lot of points. They play at a slow tempo. They don’t generate a lot of big plays. They don’t turn the ball over very much. They don’t generate a lot of turnovers.

Be more like Maryland, fellas. When Maryland gets their check on payday, they buy cool shit they absolutely cannot afford. They head to the casino. They roll up to the club and pop bottles for the #Insta. Maryland watches inspirational TikToks of John L. Smith-era Michigan State and #CHAOSTEAM Indiana.

This iteration of Rutgers feels a lot like they have posters of Pat Fitzgerald and Mark Dantonio on their walls. Hell, even IOWA splurges occasionally. YOLO, guys. YOLO.

When last we saw them: Michigan won their seventh straight game over Rutgers, though it was the second in a row decided by a single score. Michigan ran out to a 20-3 lead, and then… just… kinda… chilled?

This team is as frightening as: Pop Rocks and Diet Coke. The risk isn’t actually that real, but it still sounds rather unpleasant. Fear Level = 3.5

Michigan should worry about: Their corners are okay. Their receivers are okay. Their offensive line might be okay. None of their position groups are catastrophic.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: …with the possible exception of quarterback. Gavin Wimsatt is young. Noah Vedral still can’t throw the ball more than 10 yards downfield. Evan Simon is other things.

When they play Michigan:

First game: @ Boston College, noon, ACC Network

 

Nebraska

Last year: 3-9 (1-8 B1G); no bowl game but made a lot of friends along the way

Recap: As with Michigan State, it wasn’t luck.

Sure, Nebraska was an unfathomable 0-8 in one-score games, losing their 9 games by a combined 56 points. Sure, they were basically a 7.5-win team that won 3 games. Sure, you finished 2nd in the conference in offensive yards per play. Sure, you had a Top 30 SP+ defense. And sure, if you had any semblance of anything on special teams you would have beaten Illinois, MSU, and Iowa.

But ⁠— and I don’t mean this to sound condescending ⁠— do you think that makes you special? My man, everyone has eaten a bad piece of fish at one point or another. We’ve all trusted the wrong fart. It’s fine. Everybody poops. You live, you learn, you OxiClean, you move on. But if you shit yourself eight times in a year, you need to start asking yourself some deeper questions. Take a look at your habits. Maybe re-examine your diet.

Nebraska is 15-29 under Scott Frost, and 10-25 in the Big Ten. Since Bob Devaney arrived in Lincoln in 1962, no Nebraska head coach has had a winning percentage under .500 or a conference wining percentage under .462. Not Bill Callahan. Not Bo Pelini. Not even Mike Riley. Between 1962 and Frost’s, Nebraska had four losing seasons. He managed to reach that total in four years. Frost hasn’t guided Nebraska to a finish higher than 5th in the Big Ten West (which, I remind you, is the BIG TEN WEST).

At some point, maybe you’re not some put-upon Job figure, preordained by the football gods to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Fumble Luck. Maybe you’re just BoJack.

When last we saw them: Michigan led 13-0 at the half but left some points on the board. Nebraska decided to play the second half and took two separate leads at 22-19 and 29-26, but a late Hassan Haskins hurdle and an Adrian Martinez fumble and Dax Hill removing the soul from a Nebraska wide receiver ended things for the Huskers.

This team is as frightening as: Generic Friday Night Lights State Quarterfinal opponent. Fear Level = 6.5

Michigan should worry about: Nebraska actually hired a special teams coordinator, so, that’s something?

Michigan can sleep soundly about: SP+, one of the few true believers in Nebraska last year, has Michigan by more than two touchdowns at this point.

When they play Michigan: If Nebraska isn’t already bowl-eligible, they probably won’t get there.

First game: vs. Northwestern, 12:30 p.m. on August 27, FOX

 

Illinois

Last year: 5-7 (4-5 B1G); no bowl game

Recap: Illinois had, by Illinois standards, a hell of a year. Four conference wins, including wins over two (then-)ranked teams, constituted a wild success in Bret Bielema’s first season. They even left some wins on the table, losing four games by a single score. They held Big Ten opponents to under 19 points per game (#4 in the Big Ten), the first time that number has been under 25 since 2011.

But y’all don’t want to talk about that, do you.

Fine, here it is again.

Sickos.

When last we saw them: This series is the starkest casualty of Big Ten expansion from a Michigan standpoint. Between the end of World War I and 2012, there were five total seasons in which Michigan and Illinois did not play. In the nine seasons since then, there have been seven seasons in which Michigan and Illinois did not play.

Michigan has won five in a row dating back to 2011, and is 41-6-2 against Illinois since 1959. Michigan has won every non-RichRod matchup since 2000 by double digits.

This team is as frightening as:

Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about: Illinois has two really good running backs in Chase Brown and Josh McCray, and a legitimately good offensive line.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: At quarterback, Illinois is starting either a guy who got benched at Syracuse or a guy who is Art Sitkowski.

When they play Michigan: “No, we’re not looking ahead to next week. Our mantra is ‘one game at a time,’ and that’s how we’re treating this one. We’re completely focused on… um…” /glances desperately at the SID for help.

First game: vs. Wyoming, 4:00 p.m. on August 27, BTN

 

THE Ohio State University College of THEs

Last year: 11-2 (8-1 B1G); won Rose Bowl over Utah 48-45

Recap: After they lost to Oregon in Week 2 and shooed Kerry Coombs off to a shuffleboard court, Ohio State went on a tear. They beat their next 9 opponents by an average margin of 34 points. They beat Maryland by 49. The beat Indiana by 47. They beat #19 Purdue by 28. They beat #7 Michigan State by 49 after leading 49-0 at the half. Their quarterback was the Heisman favorite as of November 26. They had a dazzling and horrifying array of wide receiver talent, and as deep a roster as anyone in the country. They were a machine.

Then what happened.

When last we saw them: I imagine being a samurai in the 13th century looking out to the Sea of Japan and seeing the Mongol hordes approaching. Hundreds of ships, carrying tens of thousands of Mongol warriors, waiting to come ashore. Surely word had reached Japan by then of the unstoppable nature of the beast that was sailing to their lands. I picture them, gazing asea, knowing that victory was impossible, and that survival itself was a long shot.

And then, when all hope seamed lost, the Gods delivered a divine wind to vanquish their foes. A Kamikaze.

I imagine the samurai watching with righteous revelry as the clouds formed, and the winds picked up, and the full wrath of nature’s fury single-handedly consumed their enemies, who were powerless against the onslaught.

Pictured: nature’s fury [Barron]

It’s hard to say what would have happened on that frigid November afternoon had the heavens not struck down upon the Buckeyes with great vengeance and furious anger. But we will never know, as the Gods placed their finger on the scale in catastrophic fashion and ended the contest before it began.

This team is as frightening as: oh lord they are still terrifying beyond all measure. Fear Level = 10

Michigan should worry about: They still have a dazzling and horrifying array of wide receiver talent, and that Heisman finalist quarterback has a year of experience under his belt. And they have a real defensive coordinator with an entire offseason to install a modern non-Coombsian defense.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Does Ryan Day have That Dog In Him? Because it’s starting to feel like Ryan Day might not have That Dog In Him.

When they play Michigan: It will have been 1,092 days since Ohio State had beaten Michigan.

First game: vs. Notre Dame, 7:30 p.m., ABC

 

…

 

…

 

Okay okay one last time.

Sickos.