OT: Funny S**t Our MGoChildren Do

I love sleep depravity with my GF.  

My children will eat food off the floor, including spilled drinks.

They are only a half-step above animals.

A half-step below actually.  At least animals will clean themselves.

 

My youngest son has had some great quotes, by my favorite has to be from a couple years ago.  He was 5, maybe 6 at the time, and playing on a soccer team that hadn't won a game.  One day I get an email from the coach explaining that my son was starting to take his frustrations out on his teammates, admonishing other players on the team who weren't playing well or were lazy.  So I sat down with my son and said, "Luke, how would you feel if one of your classmates yelled at you for not being as good at reading as they were?"  He replied, "Well I'd feel pretty bad I guess.... but reading is not a TEAM SPORT!!"  

Conversation over.  I had him placed on a more competitive team the next season.

My son was 3 when my daughter Madison was born.  

For months my wife would explain to him that his baby sister was in Mommy's tummy and that we would go to the hospital to have her taken out when it was the right time.

When it was time we explained to him that we were going to the hospital for a couple of day to have Madison taken out of Mommy's tummy, while he stayed with Grandma.

When we came back and intoduced him to his new baby sister, he looked at her, looked up at my wife, and said "Mommy, why did you eat Madison?"

 

   

We used to read Dora the Explorer to our kids... until my son (then 1-2 years old) kept seeing Swiper the Fox & yelling fox as best as he could... which sounded like FACK! FAACK!  FAAACK!  This made reading it around visiting friends & family rather interesting.

My then 3 and 5 year olds would incessantly, constantly yell Go Blue Go Blue Go Blue Go Blue over and over during football games.  At one point, I just let them go to see how long before they would wear themselves out.  I couldn't handle more than 5 minutes, which was about 4:45 too long. 

Good initiative, poor execution.

If we give our son even the slightest chance, he will take off and run naked, laughing, and screaming through the house for about 15 minutes straight. 

Also, whenever he does something he's not supposed to do (go up stairs, throw something accross the room, give random food to the dogs) he has MASTERED giving a goofy, toothy grin and chuckle that just makes me and his Mom laugh. Like, he's been doing it for a year and it still gets us every time. 

I'd be more concerned, but this kid is super sweet, picks up anything remotely trash-like and throws it away, has a deep concern for feeding our dogs, and must ALWAYS know where the moon is when we go outside or he gets this deeply troubled look on his face (courtesy of his mother). More importantly, he is determined, curious, and independent,  which are about the best things a kid can be. 

I have an 18 month old. The other day I get out of the shower and I'm brushing my teeth, when the little guy comes up and sticks his finger right in my butt. I turn around and he's laughing it up. 

Just 20 min ago I found my twin 4 yr olds in the hammock in the back yard.

There were at least a dozen bubble gum wrappers on the ground beath them.

They SWORE that it was the whistlepig (groundhog that lives under the neighbor's garage) that took them out of their big sisters softball bag and carried them the 100 yards to the hammock at the far end of the yard.

I would have beleived them for sure if I had been able to understand them better WITH THEIR MOUTHS FULL OF BUBBLE GUM!

When my oldest was around one and a half she pronounced the word truck just like cock. Or very close cross between cock and cuck. At the time I bought a new black Tahoe, which we called the truck since mom drove a Prius and that was the car. The Tahoe was big, as it's a larger vehicle than the Prius. The Tahoe had a DVD player and a bunch of features so as you can imagine she loved that vehicle and talked about it often. My wife and I are both white, daughters both white, but for a stretch of eight weeks or so all my daughter talked about to family friends and strangers was "daddy's big black cock". There was a lot of explaining back then.

every time that Call Me Maybe came on the radio I'd say, "Oh, it's mommy's favorite song!" and then turn it up really loudly.  
Totally paid off as my wife comes home from target and says that as they were walking in target Call Me Maybe came on and my daughter announced "Mommy, it's your favorite song!" to the store.  

I have taught my four-year-old daughter the ins and outs of 1980s professional wrestling...

Vignettes, finishing moves, theme music...

Good times.

I was at a Cubs game for a work event.  My wife and 6 yo son were doing Friday pizza night without me.  They walk into the pizza place to pick up their food and see the game on TV and that it was pouring rain.  My son says in complete deadpan to my wife: "Daddy is going to be so drunk again."  Strangers in the place gave my wife a look that was a combination of pity and disdain.   My wife then asks my son what he thinks "drunk" means and he says "wet."  Of course, no one heard his follow-up explanation.  Shit kids say...

(editor's note: I'm not a big drinker and have definitely never been drunk in front of my kid)

I have a ton of stories I could fill this board with

 

1 - My wife picks up our youngest child on a Saturday when she was 3 - wife asks, "honey, something smells funny, are you wiping your butt?"  kid replies "but mom, it's the weekend!"

 

2 - Kid and her 2 friends (age 9 at the time) all return home from Girl Scout camp 2 weeks later in the clothes they left in - never once changed

 

3 - caught the oldest (girl) peeing down the register in her room when she was 3

 

like I said, I could write out some of the more lengthy and funny stories - maybe later

I have three boys ages 27, 22 and 16. Lots of stories in the repertoire.

A funny on which comes to mind is when our youngest was 3-4, he was in the bathroom and called out, "Dad, there's a poop hanging from my butt shaped like a chrysalis."

year old cussed was before "The Game" last season. My wife and I had our in-laws over to BBQ and watch the game. During the pre-game when the camera panned to Meyer my son turns to my dad and say "fuck that guy". Only the men in the room found it amusing

I would carry him on the front pack with a cap and sunglasses on. He would get so excited whenever he saw people hiking toward us in the opposite direction.

The worst  thing that happened is when i took off on a hike on my own with the car keys in my pocket. My baby son had a huge poop blowout. My wife could not get anyone to help her at all. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that story again.

I have three year old twins and my daughter is a little mother to my son. The other day I had to yell at him because he decided it was a good idea to pick the 10 week old puppy up by his tail. This of course caused him to walk to the corner as he knew he was wrong and put on the potty face. My daughter walks over and rubs his back and explains he can't do that. It was one of the cutest things I have ever since even in my state of anger.

My 13 year old daughter is one of the funniest people I know. Too many "you had to be there" stories, but she's always had a precocious sense of humor. In kindergarten, the teacher told me that her sense of sarcasm was so well-developed, none of the other kids got her jokes. She has a set of original characters she does, a la SNL, and I have no idea where they came from. She doesn't perform on stage, and doesn't watch SNL. She's very witty and quick for her age. I hope she does something with it someday. I think it started because she had terrible social anxiety in grade school and becoming someone else made her feel freer. And once she started getting laughs, it just continued. 

My daughter at elementary school had a choir event. In the song they were singing involved the names of all the states. She would be singing and smiling until Ohio. She would go stone faced and not sing Ohio and then pick up on the next word smiling. She has gotten some of her friends here in Iowa doing the same thing.

Same daughter when she was about 5 - "so daddy, if Michigan State is playing, we just root for the other team - right?"

License plate game, we get points for spotting plates from other states, but if you say Ohio you lose points for as my daughters say "saying bad words"

Apparently at daycare today, my 6 year old did the Fonz's trademark "ayyyy" pose to all of his classmates while standing in the loft and looking down on them all. Except instead of 2 thumbs up it was 2 middle fingers. He definitely didn't learn that at home. Also he makes words of his own by combining things; a big one right now is "besince", a combo of besides and since. He has no idea it's not a real word and we don't correct him because honestly, it should be. It's a clever way of saying "Your argument is invalid, and X, Y, and Z are the reasons why."

Totally unprompted, my youngest son referred to Ohio St. as the Buttguys for the first few years that he became aware of sports (3-5 yrs old). I have to admit that I was bummed when he finally figured out that was not really the nickname. Needless to say I never tried very hard to correct him.

My three year old daughter the other day yells from the bathroom.  "Dad can you wipe me....I went green stinks!!!!"   She then announces to everyone the rest of the day that she went green stinks in the potty and was so proud that they were green.

When our children were young, my wife was hosting a conference and we had a some out-of-state professors over for dinner.  One older guest, trying to engage the children, asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. When the older two had answered (I have no memory of what they said), he asked the youngest, about 4 at the time, and I could tell she was working to come up with something.  Finally she announced that she wanted to be a whore, much to the shock of everyone at the table, until I realized what had happened. I had been doing some gardening and had bought a set of kids' garden tools, and allowed each child to pick one.  The oldest picked the shovel, the 2nd picked the rake, and the youngest got stuck with the hoe, so she said she wanted to be a hoer when she grew up.

When we put sunscreen on my 2.5 yo daughter we call it "baby massage" and there's a whole song that goes along with it. She got a bit too much sun yesterday and I wanted to give her the post-sun moisturizer which happens to be blue. After her bath I am drying her off and I tell her we're going to do "blue massage." So of course she gleefully shouts "GO BLUE!" and raises her fist, punching me square in the eye.

My wife has a habit of just disappearing in stores.  We'll be walking down an aisle, and I'll look around and she's just gone.  Completely out of sight.  So I taught my then 3-yo son to yell out "Mommy, where are you, don't leave here" at the top of his voice.

She stopped disappearing for a while...

When my oldest was around 6 and youngest 3, my wife held one of those candle parties with a lot of her friends. Being the awesome husband / father that I am, I took the kids to McDonalds for lunch and then to let them play in the play area for a while to keep them out of everyone’s way.

 

Towards the end of them eating, my youngest said she needed to go potty. I sent my 6-year old into the women’s bathroom to make sure she was OK while I could see the door from my seat.

 

After a few minutes, the oldest came out crying and exclaimed, “She Pooped On Me!” There was a streak of poop on her sweatpants leg. I went into the women’s bathroom where there was poop smeared on my youngest kid’s behind. While cleaning the poop off her I asked what happened. My oldest said she was wiping her butt when she slipped and her butt slid across her leg.

 

At this point, they could no longer go into the play area, so we proceeded to leave. The girls began crying because they wanted to play. I was parked on the drive-thru side of the place, so while I am leading 2 crying, hysterical girls out to my truck, all these people in the drive-thru line are watching. After getting the youngest into the vehicle I took off the oldest kid’s sweatpants (she had on underwear) and inside-outed them and rolled them up as she got into the car. If this would have happened today I am sure someone in the drive-thru would have taken pictures and sent them to the police.

 

When we got home, the oldest ran up to the front door, which was locked, and rang the doorbell over and over while I was getting the youngest out of her car-seat. By the time I got to the door, one lady had let her in and she ran by everyone on her way to her room to get pants, at which time I had to tell this story to the roomful of women.