OT: Funny S**t Our MGoChildren Do
It's the offseason, so I thought this would actually be a good topic, considering we have so many parents on the board. Not to mention that we could probably all use someting positive regarding children amidst all of the PSU scandal info that keeps getting worse.
Anyway here's mine, with a little backstory. I'm a father of four awesome kids, three girls and one boy. We had three straight girls, and were pretty shocked when we had our son, Tucker, who is now 3. After the third girl, my hopes of having a boy were considerably low, so I'm likely guilty of doting on him. Like most kids hs age, Tucker has a problem pronouncing his S's. So, for example, when he says "horse", it sounds like "whore." When we go to Meijer, my son loves riding the horse in front, which is probably a chldhood Michigan tradition. Last night, when we checked out, we of course let him ride the horse. While riding, he shouts out for everyone to hear "look Dad, I'm riding a whore, and the whore is going fast." I of course did what any responsible Father would do in the face of shocked onlookers, and blamed it on the language that kids pick up at daycare. I thought it was pretty damn amusing.
My 12 year old daughter who thinks she's 25 and wants to wear all the make-up, the micro-shorts and cropped tops. Thanks pop culture. Not all that funny, I guess.
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and leave his door cracked open. About 30 minutes later I hear something hit the floor, so I go in and cut on the light. He was using his building blocks to make a structure, in the dark mind you, and it toppled over. I told him to go to sleep...I went to my room and laughed.
We are starting the potty training of my 22 month old as he has two older siblings and is interested. Mixed results, for sure. We bribe him with M&Ms if he goes potty. The older kids, especially his older brother, love to help/encourage/corrupt him. My oldest, so I learned, has taken to showing his baby brother his own deuce after he lays it down so "he'll know what to expect".
Last night my baby took his pudding from the table, walked to the half bath off the kitchen and plopped some pudding in the baby toilet. He came to get me to show me what he had done....and get his damn M&Ms.
I had nothing to offer so I just walked over to the pantry, pulled down the candy and gave him his four little prizes. I then gave the death stare to my ten year old son who found great joy in the situation.
When we potty trained my son last year, we used ice cream as a bribe. He'd go sit on the toilet, and absolutely strain and squeeze until a penny-sized turd fell out. He'd then demand his ice cream. That incentive quickly stopped.
Ten-year-old, enjoying his first foray into a polenta side-dish at an upscale restaurant:
"What's this stuff called again...'placenta'"?
When my daughter was 3, she could make her own cereal and toast without spilling a drop of milk. She's never missed the bus, except once when she was deathly ill and still wanted to go go school. She does her homework without being asked, goes to bed during the school year by 10pm. She's got tons of boys chasing her, but she relegates them to second place behind schoolwork and her friends.
Honestly, nothing funny about this story except for how incredible it is to me. She's the most together kid and it makes no sense to me since her mom and I are like living rand() functions. I guess its because of that. I don't know if anyone else can relate to this, but as an absolutely intolerable child myself, having a kid that could easily raise herself (exaggeration) is just the most insane thing.
I remember she went through a phase when she was 12 when she'd make ME breakfast in the morning before school because "breakfast is the most important meal of the day". She packed me a lunch twice before I told her I could handle it.
Thank God she's just starting to move into her "my parents are idiots" phase (but even then she apologizes after) or I'd worry that she was an alien.
My wife was trying to teach our 3.5 yo (2.5 at the time this happened) daughter to count to 3 or say "I am mad" calmly when she was frustrated or pissed instead of throwing a tantrum. Well, my wife was in the hospital just after our son was born, and I had to take our daughter home to eat and go to sleep. She threw a massive tantrum leaving the hospital (essentially beating the shit out of me the entire time). I sat her down on the floor and asked her calmly: "MGoDaughter, what do we say when we get angry?"
She looked me square in the eyes and said clear as day in the angriest voice possible: "God damn it!"
So hard not to laugh. Took a few months to get that out of her system.
They grow up and get ready to go to college. Or have disabilities and continue to live with you. Both paths are ok with me.
they have disabilities and go thrive at college. Or have perfectly average intellect with no disabilites and continue to live with you because not having to pay rent is "sick."
Only problem is "night" won't start until 4:00 am.
My now 20+ old kids now sleep in till noon or later. Kind of puts the kibosh on early morning - like 9am - home improvement projects, My daughter is only home on occasion but my son is starting grad school in A2 in the fall and will live at home unless he gets GSA job.
I was out fishing with my brother in law and my kids wanted to come, so when we got bites they helped reel the fish in, then get them off the hook and then into the freshwater storage tank on the boat. It was at this point that they decided to feed the fish some of the extra corn we were using as bait and also to name said fish. My brother-in-law and I tried to explain that naming them was a bad idea given the fate in store for them, but it was to no avail. Needless to say we sent the kids up to the house before Fishy and Trouty(I love my kids but creativity in naming is not among their gifts) met their fates.
Other creative fish names - shiny, blub blub and swimy
Teaching my 4 year old the names of the States. He now correctly calls the State southeast of Michigan "Cess Pit". Can't wait for him to say it in school when the time comes.
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and that really strong onion smell was coming from a field into our car and my daughter says "It smells like Ohio"
This was two weeks ago - my 10 year old boy farted and it stunk pretty bad. I told him to do that else where in a kind of angry tone. My 6 year old straight faced and innocent as can be then says - "yeah, no one wants to smell your ass" - hahaha!
I couldn't help but bust out laughing and said, where did you hear that? He says "you Dad".
He swears. A lot. The best part is that he's learned to do it in complete sentences. Goddamnit dad, I can't find my fuckin' Thomas toy!
I try to discourage it, and he's gotten better with it especially in public, but sometimes it's so damn funny that I can't stop myself from laughing.
He also sings some kind of booty song whenever we're in the car. I think his sister taught it to him. Goes something like....smoking the booty, lovin that booty, sour booty, etc.
I have been teaching him some good things though. He understands that the entire state of Ohio is evil and that MSU is only for people that can't get into Michigan.
Regarding the MSU and Ohio stuff, I must say that brainwashing my kids to love all things Michigan has been one of the finer accomplisments in my life. My 3.5 yo daughter sings the entire fight song when we score a touchdown (at least she did last fall), and my 1.5 yo son says "Go Blue" every time he sees my framed picture of Bo or the Those Who Stay Will Be Champions banner in our basement.
My greatest hope is that they will end up wanting to go to Michigan so I can use the in-state tuition as an excuse to move back to the homeland in advance.
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My wife used to catcall my young son "woo woo!" when he would have his shirt off. So he sees a bunch of construction workers with their shirts off and yells "woo woo!". My wife was quite embarrassed.
we usually split them up.
the 8 year old announces his, uhm, 'inventory' movements with an EUTM and you can hear it from anywhere in the house.
I have no kids, but I do enjoy hearing some of the stories from my parents about me and my brother. I actually remember this one, but when I was in elementary school my parents took us to Disney World. We flew down and when we were in our rental car my brother started puking in the back seat. As he was miserably puking, I was doing a combination of play-by-play and color commentary. Not really sure what I said, but it gave everybody a good laugh while my brother was hating life.
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Last week, my three and a half year old daughter stated to my wife that she wanted a "kitty" (we're dog people). Trying to let her down nicely, my wife explained that she is allergic to cats (true). My daughter, not to be deterred, calmly stated that she didn't need a mommy. I talked her off that position even though I thought that was some pretty high level processing. Then fast forward a few days...
On the weekend, we took her to the science and industry museum. Among other things, she saw the hatching baby chickens. Very cool. Verbaitim exchange as follows:
Kid: Mommy and daddy, are you allergic to chicken?
Us: No.
Kid: So I can have a baby chicken, then?
Boom. Logic'd. By a three and a half year old. With time having elapsed since the first step in the process. I'm terrified for our future.
I took my daughter (4) to Menards and Meijer yesterday. I told her to get some shoes on.....she picks out plastic high heels (Frozen-themed). I ask her if she has to go potty before we leave, of course not. What does she say to me the instant we are at the furthest point in Menards from the bathrooms?....."Daddy I have to go potty." I'll give her a lot of credit though, I walked her quite a bit and she never complained about her shoe choice.
She's just starting to get fun. She can clap her hands when she's exited. She's trying her first big people food (loved the braised shortribs and gnocchi I made this Sunday), and just genearlly making a huge mess of that. I've got a pack I can take her on walks in and she spends 45 minutes just babbling and playing with my hat, and laughing hysterically when it falls off. She can sort of say dada though it's clear the word and the object are not really associated just yet, but it still makes me grin like an idiot everytime.
If she'd just stay the hell asleep at night she'd be perfect. Seriously though 1:30 last night for like an hour she just decided to wail inconsolably for 1 minute at a time with like 5 minute breaks in between. It was just enough so you'd start to fall back to sleep and then it would start up again. I'm a freaking zombie today.
was shocked at how much my son loved meat when he was first starting out.
I don't know what you have been trying, but our son didn't start to sleep at night until we started a routine: Bath time, baby lotion and massage, stomach drops (he had reflux until he was about 1), read a book, bottle, then rocking. We did this for about a week and he's on pretty much the same routine since (even if we occasionally watch cartoons instead of read).
And somehow messed up "birthday" so it looked more like "bitchday". "Happy bitchday Aunt Melissa" just about sums everything up perfectly!
There isn't a day that goes by without my four year old saying something that makes me laugh. Last night I simply told him it was bath time, he looks at me and says, "you're just being a bully. You're bullying me. Stop it." After I regained my composure I scooped him up and carried him upstairs giving him a big hug the whole time. When we got to the bathroom I asked if he liked being bullied by Dad and he said yes.
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You're just despicable. How dare you.
/s
First off, we are from the Dayton, Ohio area and are Cincinnati Reds fans. The other day my wife laid out a red Cincinnati Reds shirt for my son to wear to preschool. He stomped into our room and asked her why she was making him wear buckeye clothes to school and threw the shirt down and stormed out! I have taught him well! Go Blue!!
Whenever something sports related comes up. Doesn' matter what or by whom, the first thing my son says is "we cheer for Michigan and the Minnesota Twins. They are the champions and best."
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When my daughter was potty training, she looked at the roll of toilet paper, unrolled the entire thing into a big wad, threw the wad directly into the toilet, and flushed the toilet. Then she looked at me with a big smile and a sense of accomplishment.