Previously on we-ripped-this-off-from-BHGP: ID16, ID16 part II, Urban's meeting.
As you may have heard, the Big Ten opened its new office in New York City recently, and the media got its first look on Wednesday.
What you may not have heard was that shortly before the media took their tour, the Big Ten coaches and a handful of administrators got a look inside. We have a transcript of their meeting.
Delany: Okay, thanks everyone for coming. Before we begin…
Delany: Aw hell, not this again. Anyway, what I was…
Meyer: He’s not going to stop until you do it, Jim.
Delany. Sigh. Okay, fine. 135.
Meyer: Congratulations, blind squirrel.
Tim Beckman: Off!
Beckman: Get it? Cause he wanted us to say “Beat Ohio,” but instead I made a funny. Which is what we call jokes in Illinois.
Bo Pelini: Dude, Darrell, how the hell did you lose to that buffoon?
Darrell Hazell: Did you see what Danny Hope left me? The cupboard was bare, except for those jars of urine. And Rob Henry. I probably should have played the urine more.
Delany: ANYWAY, thanks for all taking the time to come to the opening of our new offices. We’re hoping that given our new territory, we can expand our brand…
Dave Brandon: WOOT!!!
Hoke: Sorry, he does that. It isn’t voluntary.
Brandon: What are we hashtagging this meeting? #B1GLifeB1GOffices? Damn I’m good.
Delany: Let’s just get the tour started.
[AFTER THE JUMP: the tour]
James Franklin: Hey guys!
Franklin: Sorry I’m late. I didn’t get the invite for some reason. Beckman had to give me the deets.
Kirk Ferentz: …
Jerry Kill: Hey James… how’s the…
Pelini: Dude. Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeave.
Pelini: My lawyer said I can’t hang out with you right now.
Pelini: Not for legal reasons. He just says you’re, quote, “sketchy as shit.”
Franklin: Eh, I get it. Besides, this is more respect than I ever got at the SEC meetings.
Ferentz: GODDAMMIT BECKMAN
Beckman: Sorry, I forgot who we weren’t inviting. I thought it was the fat dude from Wisconsin.
Ferentz: He coaches at Arkansas now, moron.
Beckman: So, we WERE inviting him, or…
Fitzgerald: Yeah, THIS guy owns the State of Illinois.
/Delany leads the group to a large room lined with memorabilia.
Delany: Here we have the Great Hall of B1G. It tells the story of the Big Ten’s contribution to the game of football, from Rutgers victory in the first college football game in 1869 to Joe Tiller’s invention of the forward pass in 1998 to Al Borges’ invention of the backward run in 2013.
Kill: Forward pass?
Wilson: It’s where someone throws the ball through the air toward someone on your team.
Kyle Flood: Yeah, we had a guy that used to do that. He got fired for it.
Julie Hermann: No, he was fired because those kids were wimpy-ass pansies. Just like you, Flood. Also your children are dumb. And I kinda hope bad things happen to your pets.
Flood: [/mumbling] think of the paycheck… think of the paycheck…
Nussmeier: You know I get paid as much as you, right?
Delany: And here we are in the food court. Nothing terribly interesting here, though we have some really exciting ideas involving unlimited snacks.
Meyer: What, no Culvers? MAN, what I wouldn’t give for a Butter Burger. Am I right, Kirk?
Beckman: Get it?
Beckman: It’s funny because your coach left to open a Culver’s. Urban didn’t really want a Butter Burger at all.
Meyer: Jesus, this guy is worse than having Maryland around.
Randy Edsall: C’mon, man, I’m right here.
Meyer: Sorry, I didn’t recognize you without the renaissance fair getup.
Delany: And here’s the new legal department and crisis management wing. We’ve had to beef things up recently because SOME people can’t keep their shit in order.
Fitzgerald: Look, I’m doing everything I can. I even said that thing you told me to tell them about what unionization does to genital size. I don’t know what else I could have done.
/the group enters what appears to be a laboratory of some kind
Delany: This is our new Academy of the Punting Sciences .
Ferentz: Hot damn, now we’re talking.
Zook: Hello again, friends.
Dantonio: Ron? The hell are you doing here?
Zook: I have been here since before this place existed. In a way, I have always been here.
Zook: Also I’ve been looking for the exit for several days. I’m getting really hungry.
Delany: Even with Zook wandering aimlessly, we’ve already made significant advancements in Punt Theory. We’ve successfully located a scenario in which punting from the opponent’s 27 yard line could be sustainable.
Delany: Of course, that’s only in a laboratory setting. But still, promising.
Wilson: Hey, Jim, I have a question.
Delany: Dammit Kevin, for the last time, yes, that’s as fast as our refs can run, and no, we can’t get them Segways. They’ll spot the ball when they spot the ball.
Hoke: PREACH, BROTHA
Wilson: That wasn’t what I was gonna ask, but… we’ll come back to that one.
Wilson: No, I mean, you make a big deal about the Big Ten being contiguous and all, and then you open an office where we don’t have any teams. Sup with that?
Delany: So glad you asked. BEHOLD!
Delany: We’re ready to announce Phase Three of Big Ten expansion. MANIFEST DESTINY!!!
Brandon: #Sea2ShiningSea #ThisLandIsB1GLand
Delany: We’re going to divide into two divisions:
Delany: Purdue, Wisconsin, Illinois, Northwestern, Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming, Boise State, and Washington State will be in the Northwest Passage Division.
Delany: Michigan, Michigan State, Indiana, Ohio State, Penn State, Maryland, Rutgers, Syracuse, Boston College, Vermont, and Maine will be in the States That Fought For The Union Division.
Dantonio: Maine? Do they even play football?
Delany: No idea, but they both play hockey, and I've been told by my brethren from other hockey conferences that having Penn State be your 6th best team means we suck.
Kill: Wait, Jim… you said “Vermont,” but you have New Hampshire filled in on the map. So, is it New Hampshire, or is Maine just not going to be contiguous?
Delany: I have to make a call.