OT: Buying an engagement ring
Other than the sage advice of "don't do it," what info can the board provide. Where to buy, random suggestions, and negotiating tactics are welcome.
Crack open a cold one and share your knowledge. I'm currently enjoying a Maumee Bay Fake Juice. Very good IPA.
I had my wife send me an email of what she liked. I was then able to go to my jeweler and have her ring designed. Her input really matters, either take her ring shopping or look online.
We also were able to borrow jewelery for our wedding. Wife had earrings, necklace, and bracelet loaned out to her for our wedding. Made her day even more special, and didn't cost me a thing.
Here's my story. It's somewhat amazing I even ended up marrying my husband.
We went ring shopping after we both decided we wanted to get married. My husband wanted to buy me something I'd actually like to wear, so I picked one out, and then I didn't hear anything for months. I started to become concerned that he couldn't pull the trigger. He was sort of that kind of guy at the time. Not afraid of commitment, but afraid of risk. So I set a date, thinking if he hadn't asked by then, he wasn't the guy for me. The date was June 30, and we had looked at rings the previous February or March.
On June 26 (four days from the deadline), we drove to Milwaukee for one of his best friend's weddings. The friend was marrying an actress who was on a sitcom, and the whole cast was there, along with the creator/director, who was more famous than all of them put together. We went to the rehearsal dinner, which was at a restaurant with a bar. My husband's oldest friends from grade school were there, along with all these semi-famous actors. One of his friends, a big Irish guy, yelled out, "Hey, everyone, guess what Steve's(my husband) going to do this weekend?? He's going to ask Wendy to marry him!!" I look over at my husband, and he nods at me. I was like, "Really??? Really???" He wasn't expecting his best friend to propose to me for him, so he didn't have the ring on him. Everyone cheered anyway, he made it in under the wire, and we've been married 20 years.
This is an excellent story.
I think I saw that episode!
So if he had asked on July 3, it really would have been too late?
I don't get the deadline thing. You could have just asked him.
I probably would have married him. It wasn't really about a specific date; it was more about a personality trait that I worried would make being married to him difficult for me - I'm very decisive, proactive, and sometimes impulsive. It all worked out.
I proposed to my future wife one month after we started dating in 1976, but because I kept feeling like I didn't have a good enough job I kept putting off actually pulling the trigger. Finally she gave me a "shit or get off the pot" ultimatum, with the message clearly being that she'd leave for more decisive pastures if I didn't get my act together. We got hitched in 1979 and she's still putting up with me today.
Yeah, it wasn't the commitment-phobe thing. I could tell he wasn't going anywhere, and he didn't have one eye on me and the other on the door to see what cute girl was going to walk in next (I had dated that guy right before meeting my husband). It was, and still is, a way of weighing everything or putting everything off for forever because making the decision was just too painful. He's still the same. I make all the big decisions. He even has a hard time making small ones. Like he'll see a t-shirt he likes, think about it for three months, and then he'll say to me, "Remember that t-shirt I told you about? They ran out!!" My life's motto is "See It, Like It, Buy It." Worse case scenario, you return it. T-shirts or wives or husbands.
When I first started looking for the diamond, I went to the 46th St Diamond District in New York. It's an amazing place, loaded with all shapes sizes and quality of diamonds, and is full of sleazy diamond salesmen, so I left my wallet at home and just browsed and talked to the people in a few shops. Without exception everyone in every shop there came off like a thief. So, after retreating from there, I went to Blue Nile, and everything went perfectly.
Before you buy something, you should study jewels and make sure you understand what drives the quality and the cost. If its a diamond, note the difference in price between grades F and G, for example, all other grades being equal. Once you've done all that, at least 15 years ago this was true, Blue Nile will get you the exact thing you want at the best price with the best service, and with the highlest level of integrity.
Finally, pick the color of the band based on skin tone, or exactly what she wants. Don't go gold or white gold, or whatever, by any trend or outside advice. Get something that will look good on your fiancee's hand, nothing different.
I'm drinking wine but about to switch to Jai Alai, my go-to beer down here. Good luck Wheatlies!
Strawberry infused letherbee's gin, plum brandy, lemon syrup, punt es mes, basil. Kinda worked.
Here was my solution. Buy a nice loose stone for the proposal and let the two of you design a setting around it
I was given a strong no diamonds instruction. I also wanted something distinctive. I bought my fiancée a nice loose stone (montana sapphire). After going through a lot of portfolios, we sat down with a local designer and had a custom ring built around it. It came out beautiful and personalized, while less cost.
I have one I don't need anymore if you want to buy it......
Diamonds and jewelry are stupid. I wear a $23 band from Amazon. But, my wife is fancy and comes from a fancy town. I bought her a relatively bigger ring than I thought I should have and I get credit for it on a regular basis. As long as you have the money (cash) get her something nice. An extra $X won’t matter in the long run.
Couldn't agree more. My ring is a cool rolling ring (three bands intertwined) with some very small diamonds and it's sitting in a safe deposit box because as it turns out, I took it off so much to wash my hands, I didn't want to lose it. I now just wear a plain $100 band. I've always thought those rings with big rocks on them look like a you could hit a golf ball off of them, like a golf tee. So ugly. And the bigger the diamond, the more I think of the relationship as an owner-type situation, like the husband is showing the world he can buy whatever he wants, including a woman. Just my opinion.
Wait, you think giant engagement rings are because of men?!
Women want them, men agree to buy them. Dude, have you never met a guy who was purely into having arm candy? The big ring just adds to the flashy package.
Nope. The arm candy IS the flashy package. The only thing guys notice about the ring is it’s presence or absence.
But the ring makes a statement to other women. It says, "Look what that guy is willing to buy for his woman." So it elevates the status of both of them. Hot woman elevates his status to other guys, big ring elevates her status to other women.
Custom designed through dimend SCAASI in Chicago. Give it a look. Highly recommended.
My advice would be to not surprise her too much, there are a lot of different directions to go in, so try to get a decent idea of what she wants. Also, don't be a cheap bastard. I know marriage is about more than the ring and blah blah, but bottom line she's gonna have to wear that thing her whole life. Get her something nice. I bet she is worth it.
Would second Pricescope as a learning resource.
Would also get an idea from your fiance to be. My now wife is a detail person, and wanted a very particular type of setting that could only be obtained from a specific retailer due to patents.
GL OP
Find a local jeweler and get custom made. Don’t buy big brand names it’s a rip, and don’t go to big name stores.
always judging watching look at the baby look at the baby
sorry I had to
Good for you!
For starters, have some conversations. You two should be able to have some "hypothetical" conversations about future things, what your shared goals are, what sort of thing "hypothetically" she might like in a proposal. At least enough to gauge her feeling about the idea and general and what she likes.
Generally speaking, it's wise to have a pretty good idea what the answer will be before you ask.
Assuming you do, within reason, don't go overboard. A nice ring, sure. Don't buy the first thing you see--it's more important that you work hard to find something you believe she will enjoy than that you spend a lot, IMO. Unless you're made of money, I think it's wiser to be judicious and not spend a huge sum for something showy.
Pay some attention to the proposal. Some of the proposal videos you find on youtube are way overboard, but if I had it to do over again I would have worked a bit harder at that. Doesn't need to be elaborate, but planned and recorded is good.
But, most of all, pay attention to the relationship and the marriage. Rock size does not equal commitment level. It doesn't build a strong marriage. It doesn't carry you together through hard times.
Our culture is very much obsessed with throwing money at jewelry and ceremonies and is not very good at working at the actual marriage that comes after. But a good marriage is wonderful, exciting, long-lasting. It matures and grows over time. Love deepens, memories are created, children are reared. Life is shared. Not a life of bitterness and conflict, but a rich tapestry of experience and joy.
I can tell you that I was crazy about my wife when I proposed to her. I remained crazy throughout our six-month engagement (that was plenty of time btw). We were nuts about each other when we got married, and it was great. But our love has deepened and matured and grown since then. We have grown together. We've been through the battles and through the dark valleys of life together. We work and serve together, we rear children together, we enjoy life together. It's absolutely wonderful. And for those who claim otherwise, the physical relationship remains fantastic.
The ring will be nice. But work on that other stuff.
I was fortunate that my fiancee pretty much sent me exactly what she wanted. Also, very fortunate that she wanted a morganite stone rather than a diamond. Was able to get a MUCH bigger stone for a fraction of the price. Also did a lot of research and ended up going with a jewler from Etsy. I went to a "brand name" jewler and they offered to custom make the same ring...at 6x the price. I knew Etsy was a bit of a risk, but at a fraction of the price I figured the risk was worth it. She's had it for about a year now without any problems. She gets complimented on it quite frequently.
My wife does not care for diamonds. She was more into moissanite for its fire. In certain lighting the colors and fire the ring gives off is incredible. I was able to get a studded band a a 1 3/4 ct ring for a far more reasonable price than a diamond. No one has ever (to my knowledge) noticed it was a gemstone and not a diamond.
I would recommend to everyone to at least explore moissanite as an option
Every kiss begins with Kay.
I hate that campaign with the fire of a thousand suns. Why not just say, "Buy her love with jewelry."
I bought my wife’s ring from Lewis in Ann Arbor. Did it for sentimental reasons but I think a lot of the posters that recommend Blue Nile have a point and that is probably the best route.
I let my wife pick/design her own ring and I’m sort of torn on that decision. I was too scared to pick one on my own but I also never got the experience of surprising her with a proposal. I’m old-fashioned so that’s one of the few regrets I have in life.
Good luck though, young man.
For guys that have bought rings recently, how much did you pay?
We’ve officially hit bottom on OT topics.
You thought the world revolved around you,
Every girl and every relationship is different. Take the advice that you see hear that fits with what you know about her.
Personally, I think straight up asking her what she wants can be a bit lazy. Chances are, she is/was ready for engagement before you were, and accordingly, if she wanted to provide direct input on the ring, she would have on her own! I agree with the other poster; leverage one of her close friends or family members that can also keep their trap shut. In my case, I felt like I knew her well enough to pick it out in my own.
I worry about online retailers. I’m sure their pricing is better, but the reality is there can be a lot of variability in the diamond for a given certification level. Being the analytical nut job that I am, I worked with the jeweler and a microscope to learn how to grade the diamonds myself. I got pretty good at it. In that way, I could try to make sure I was getting a stone that was very close to the next grade up.
One of my favorite things I did early on was I asked the jewelry to bring our the worst and best diamonds they had of the same carat size. It really put into perspective how much the quality of the diamonds can range.
On price; I paid cash and agree with others to be careful in incurring debt for this purchase. That said; I probably took a larger chunk out of my savings then I initially planned. I haven’t regretted it. The only piece of advice I’d give is keep in mind the more expensive the rock, the more expensive the insurance policy.
I think the general attitude today is to weigh carat size more heavily than the other C’s. I disagreed. I like knowing my wife has a quality piece of jewelry on her hand that her and I know wasn’t cheap, but isn’t some 3 carat monstrosity that feels like an unnecessary statement of wealth towards others.
I went with platinum. Frankly the upcharge wasn’t much because my wife has such a tiny finger. Haven’t regretted it- white gold needs to get dipped (perhaps once a year) and is a combination of a bunch of metals. Platinum or yellow gold are much more pure.
Oh; lastly, I designed the setting myself. It is relatively simple but I can say she is the only girl in the world who has this setting; which got me plenty of brownie points.
Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!
Good advice. My experience was similar, but I agree that it all comes down to knowing what she’ll like. I went the same route as you because I know my wife didn’t want a huge diamond. I opted for a smaller stone but one that was near perfect for the other c’s in a simple setting and that was perfect for her. On the other hand, for some friends wives that would have been a disaster.
If you aren’t sure and don’t trust friends, then get her involved. I have a friend who’s wife actually returned the first ring when not consulted. You can even make it sort of romantic by making an appointment at a small jeweler and making a surprise date out of it.
My future son in law works at a 3D printing shop and made an engagement ring--just a metal band with design to it. He used that for the proposal but since then they shopped together and my daughter has a ring with a large sapphire and small diamonds.
I proposed to my wife in during a drunken argument. It was the only think I could think of to say that would get her to shut up, so I just blurted out "will you marry me". It worked; she was stunned into silence. I went back to my place and slept it off. We already had a date for the next day. I kept thinking, "did I really say that, will she even remember, and what do I do now?" The next day she asked me if I really meant what I had said the night before, and I said I did. We've been married 32 years.
Long story short, we went shopping together, so I never had the problem of trying to guess what she wanted. My father did give me advice that I followed: either pay up and get something you'll be happy with the rest of your lives, or go budget with the expectation that when you have more money (we were both grad students at the time) you'll upgrade: don't do it half-way and end up paying a lot for something you're going to want to replace in a few years. It worked for us. I got her a nice diamond solitare that has stood the test of time.
Having worked at a jewelry store for 4 years and seeing every sort of ring you can and every sales pitch you can hear (I was the honest one in the store) stick to COLOR, CUT, CLARITY. The higher they all are the better. Don't listen to a lot of the buzz words because that's just to sound fancy.
First of all find out what she likes. Round cut or Princess or other? Remember that the cut of the diamond is a fad with the exception of Round. They are timeless. (I mean this is for a lifetime).
Second know her style. A classic piece or a simple large diamond? Or perhaps something with a little more flair?
Third. Just because a ring looks good in a case or online DOES NOT MEAN IT WILL LOOK GOOD ON. This is tricky because you need to discuss getting married and she would have to try some on to get a sense of what she is looking for. Ask her friends, her family. They will help.
Fourth. I hate to say it but a store like Kays or Jared isn't a completely terrible idea. You pay for the SIZE of the ring (total carat weight) NOT FOR THE RATING. Look at the certified diamonds there and see if you can find the best match. Don't listen to the sales people if they say "well this is a great diamond even though the clarity is I1." You can do better. They also have diamond events so be on the look out for those. One should be coming up soon.
It's not easy and it can take some time but don't rush it. The payoff will be worth it. I also agree that they best route is to go wholesale (not easy for everyone) or a family jeweler. Remember it's a long term investment so like a home or car a warranty is important. You need someone that you can trust. Good luck.
Also know that the average size for a center diamond is only 1/2 carat. My wife's is that size with a total weight of 1 carat and it looks larger, shines better and to this day she still gets more compliments on it than her friends rings that have 1 carat center diamonds. That means something to them don't forget.
I hate how society has made the decision that diamonds, which is nothing but rocks, are super expensive. I suppose it is similar to gold, which is nothing but metal from the ground, but you get my point that diamonds are way overpriced.
The romantic notion of surprising your spouse-to-be should be weighed against the pragmatic reality of getting her something you know she’ll love to wear daily, hopefully happily the rest of her life.
I’d suggest taking her shopping w/you, go a few places, and either pick it out together, or at least judge her reactions, and make the call. I did the latter and the choice became obvious.
If your fiancé does not pick out the one w/you, it’d be wise to at least offer to her, “are you sure this is the right one?” before it can no longer be returned. W/love swallow your pride and listen, it’ll be a great first step towards a strong marriage.
The television says go to Jared.
The television says he didn't go to Jared.
I have a buddy that works for Diamond Cellar in that city....
The only problem is the rings he sold me have a nasty side affect. They turn the female into a cheating whore after 5 or 6 years.
I took the easy way. My wife and I picked it out and designed it together. My buddy owned a jewelry store. My appreciated being able to be involved. She is also pretty reasonable so it worked.
The entire success of this Marriage might depend on this decision .Find out from her friends what She wants and get it
I created my own with her birth stone and my birth stone, Jennys is red and mine is blue. I have her stones on one side and my blue ones on the opposite side of a purple topaz on top...red and blue make purple. Unique to our relationship.
Definitely stay on budget. Understand the gem you are buying is flawed. They ALL have flaws. Don't get sucked into thinking that you need a perfect stone. If you need the jeweler's eyeglass to see any imperfections, then you are fine! Go for the whitest stone you can in the size you can. That's it.
Good luck.
Forget the ring for now. Go over to the Talk About Marriage forum. www.talkaboutmarriage.com . Go to focused topics, then look at the Sex in Marriage forum. That's what happens to some people after they get married. If you still want to get married, take a look at the Infidelity forum. I've never knowingly been cheated on but that forum alone would convince me to never get married if I was single.
We ended commissioning a local guy (Grinstein's in Birmingham, MI) to design ours and it worked out great. Cost was also surprisingly reasonable.
It’s worth checking with your mother/grandmother to see if there are any “family diamonds” floating around. It’s nice to have a story and a sentimental attachment to the stone, and it doesn’t cost $5,000.
It also helps to look at what kind of jewelry she already wears—yellow gold or silver? Ornate or elegant?—as that will give a pretty good indication of her style.
good luck!
Check out the Miner's Den in Royal Oak. I purchased my Wife's ring there 36 years ago.
Got mine on overstock.com. First time account creation (which is free) will get you a coupon for 15% off. My wife absolutely loved the ring (it was awesome in person) and she gets a ton of compliments on it. Got a 5 year warranty and had excellent interactions with their support (not on the ring, but a pair of diamond earrings I got her as well).