Preview, WifeDay 2010
[Ed: No preview today since it's a bye week, except for... you know... this. Also there is an Other People Pressers for it. No. seriously.]
Essentials
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So this is our off-week, which celebrates a time-honored tradition in my household, WIFEDAY. That’s right, WifeDay-- the one weekend in the fall where my wife gets to actually spend a Saturday afternoon, IN THE FALL, NO LESS, with a logical, rational and an almost carefree version of her husband. I have found that giving up this Saturday every year is a small way to give back for her willingness to honor my all-consuming fanaticism for Michigan football, which basically means that she stays out of the way of the TV every weekend from September through November. So she gets to plan the day, and we do it together. Heck, I might even humor her and forego the UM wardrobe and wear something striped and collared. Well, maybe.
Defense vs. Home Furnishings
So yes, my wife has decided that she’d like to do some shopping this weekend. We’ve recently made some upgrades to the house, and I’m sure she’d like to get a few things to make the place as nice as it can. Yikes, I could be in for a long day—the place we’re going to has a Pottery Barn, some furniture chain outlet, and I think there may even be an Ikea nearby.
Projected |
Minutes |
Yards |
TP |
YPP |
Pottery Barn |
60 |
185 |
3 |
61.66 |
Furniture Showroom |
41 |
288 |
0 |
n/a |
Ikea, if applicable |
Hours |
Death |
?? |
No Mercy |
Others |
33 |
144 |
1 |
144 |
Let’s make no mistake here… there’s no way I’m going to get out of having to look at things for the house together. I also need to be nearby when these decisions are being made, or else I’ll find myself sitting on my couch next week trying to watch the PSU game in a sea of red ‘accent’ pillows with beads or something on them that are essentially unable to support the human head. I’m going to have to put in quality time here just to preserve the sanctity of my home.
Key Matchup:Six Zero vs. Suffocating Furniture Sales Representatives, and exotic wicker décor of any kind. It’ll get ugly early.
Man-Store Offense vs. Wife
I will not go down without a fight...
Yes! The day will not be a total wash—where there’s retail, there’s electronics, and that’s where I'll get most of my yardage on the day. There’s nothing in Best Buy that I couldn’t necessarily find online, but there’s something essentially primal about stalking BluRays, PS3 games or WiFi gear that doesn’t even require a purchase. Other draws might include an UnderArmour outlet (ridiculously un-outlet prices notwithstanding), Black and Decker, Columbia, and perhaps even an Adidas outlet.
Key Matchup:Wife’s curiosity vs. the sheer glory of the Bose retail outlet space. Quite simply, the concept of having a home theater that is ‘good enough’ does not exist—I could spend $1800 on one and still find myself yearning for a better one tomorrow. Mine is currently well out of date, and I tend to visibly drool inside the confines of the Bose outlet. If my wife gets a taste of the Kool-Aid, it could be the turning point of the entire afternoon for our offense. On the other hand, if they’re actually showing college football in there, I’ll probably revert from model husband form and back to MGoBlog cretin, and she’ll simply leave the store.
Man Defense vs. Women’s Apparel
As Brian Says, “DOOM.”
This is where she pulls away for the victory. There’s no freshmen secondary to blame here, just the inexplicable love/hate relationship women share with their favorite boutiques. They seem to be painstakingly loyal to these brands despite being so frequently let down with empty shelves, wrong sizes, and clothes that don’t fit just right. Despite all of this, it’s always worth it when the store comes through and she gets that mythical creature known as the ‘perfect outfit.’ In many ways, it is very much like our devotion to the maize and blue.
Opponent |
Minutes |
Yards |
TP |
YPP |
White House Black Market |
30 |
55 |
6 |
7.97 |
Ann Taylor Loft |
Death |
89 |
8 |
11.1 |
Other Stores That I Stand In |
78 |
133 |
4 |
33.34 |
I’m in big trouble here, and everyone knows it, even the overweight forty-something saleswoman who viciously tells my wife that every single thing looks perfect on her. My best defenses are my well-charged phone, which is currently equipped with everything from a web browser to Crazy Taxi, and/or my ability to slip away to the nearest Banana Republic or even Eddie Bauer if there’s no chair for me to sit in by the dressing room.
Key Matchup:The Samsung Mythic and ATTWireless vs. Quality Reception in Random Shoe Store. I have a good history with NBC Sports play-by-play features for whatever games will be live during the outing, and I’ll eventually move onto highlight vid clips as the afternoon unfolds. I’ll get torched, no question, but it’s either that or shop for myself, which all wives eventually get tired of. The last thing I want to be accused of is ‘not spending the day together,’ which would cancel the entire transaction of ‘quality time’ that Wife Day is about. To some degree, I have to man up and let her do her shopping.
Food Offense vs. Shopping
This is my last ditch at owning the day. I’m not sure what we’ll be up for, but I have some options here, and I intend to cash in on them. GameDay is always a good day for food, and I usually have some sort of Brats, burgers, or other grilled fare unless my wife steps up and serves her patented football nacho spread. Maybe that’s why I’m so willing to devote the off-week to her: she respects GameDay, and all of my weird obsessive rituals associated with it. So this is my own little way of giving back to the marriage. Plus I usually end up at some sort of chain sit-down place like Ruby Tuesdays or Friday’s or something, and she’ll even pretend not to notice as I stare over her shoulder and root for whoever’s playing the Damn Buckeyes. I’ll probably also be good early on for some sort of escape to the nearest Sonic for a Grape Limeade, and plus there’s always that Gourmet place with the killer Buffalo dip to keep me going throughout the afternoon.
Key Matchup:Fajitas vs. Red Meat. That is all.
Special Teams
I hold the edge here, because despite all the fuss that this is her day, I know my wife well enough to know that she’s going to end up shopping for me. I’m business professional by day, but I’m also enough of ‘a guy’ to wear pants with frayed edges and holes in my socks and still say that I don’t need anything new. I’ll come home with some nice new shirt for work, or something that she just couldn’t resist for the price. It’s not official adidas gear, but the possibility even exists for that… stranger things have happened.
Key Matchup:STOP KICKING THE DAMN BALL. Simple wisdom for a complex world.
Intangibles
Cheap Thrills
Worry if...
- Ann Taylor has coupons of any kind.
- She brings an early Christmas Shopping List
- New stores, with a Grand Opening Sale.
Cackle with knowing glee if...
- My wife says “Wow, those surround sound units are amazing.”
- The words “Go ahead and I’ll catch up with you later” are even whispered.
- Live football is being displayed on any television in my basic vicinity.
Fear/Paranoia Level: 7 (Baseline 5; +1 for Wife Day, +1 for Fall Fashions, –1 for For All My Complaining There’s Some Things There For Me Too, +1 for At The End of the Day I’m At An Outlet Center When Quality College Football is Being Played, –1 for But All In All She’s A Pretty Great Wife and It’s a Yearly Tradition)
Desperate need to win level: 2 (Baseline 5; -1 for I Know Better, –1 for I’ve Seen It So Many Times Before so Don't Panic, -1 for Sets Me Up Quite Well for the Rest of the Season )
Loss will cause me to...Let her have her day in the sun.
Win will cause me to...Worry about screwing up a good thing.
Finally, three opportunities for me to look stupid Sunday:
- I come home with new footwear of any kind.
- We actually have room left in the back of my SUV at the end of the day.
- My wife reads this blog and doesn’t realize that it’s just humor playing off of Brian’s previews.
- Happy Wife, 48-10.
October 22nd, 2010 at 12:26 PM ^
College=awesome.
October 22nd, 2010 at 11:12 AM ^
I lucked out this weekend. I have to go try on tuxedos with my future brother-in-law, then we are heading to the bar to catch our future opponents in action. All I have to do is be coherent at dinner with the Fiance's friend who is in from out of town.
October 22nd, 2010 at 11:29 AM ^
Indeed the best post ever ever.
If the other team wins on the field someone hollers about firing the coach. If you let your wife win, your husband contact gets renewed, right?
It hardly seems fair!
October 22nd, 2010 at 11:40 AM ^
This is one of the best post I have ever read here. Boot it to the front page!!
October 22nd, 2010 at 11:40 AM ^
This is one of the best post I have ever read. Boot it to the front page!!
October 24th, 2010 at 5:28 PM ^
If so, BRILLIANT!
October 22nd, 2010 at 1:17 PM ^
as long as there is a UFR next week I will be happy
October 22nd, 2010 at 5:07 PM ^
Great comment within the funniest post of the season.
October 22nd, 2010 at 1:32 PM ^
I have a very similar matchup. Shopping all day, bed and breakfast Saturday night, and whatever she wants to do on Sunday. This weekend is all about penance for me. I was unable to apologize enough for how loudly and continuously I yelled during the Indiana game, and my neighbors are still avoiding me after I tackled one of my buddies in between our lawns after the ND game.
October 22nd, 2010 at 5:05 PM ^
How were your shin angles?
October 22nd, 2010 at 1:33 PM ^
Kudos to you, sir.
October 22nd, 2010 at 1:42 PM ^
I couldn't get enough of this. YPP? Hilarious.
October 22nd, 2010 at 2:02 PM ^
But this is flippin hilarious. Plus, it has given me a great idea for the wife. I'm definitely gettin' some with this idea in hand.
October 22nd, 2010 at 2:35 PM ^
Front Page, NOW! Great Post...
October 22nd, 2010 at 4:36 PM ^
My wife says "Do you mind if we visit Victoria Secret?"
October 22nd, 2010 at 4:50 PM ^
if there is a UFR next week. haha
October 22nd, 2010 at 5:03 PM ^
No UFR...it never happened.
October 22nd, 2010 at 4:53 PM ^
Kudos, to you sir, gave me my laugh of the week.
October 22nd, 2010 at 4:57 PM ^
Just to let you know that Bose does not qualify as a BCS conference or even Mountain West.
Kind of like Slippery Rock. A great name.
October 22nd, 2010 at 4:58 PM ^
After being a longtime reader, fan of the blog, and MMB member from '85-'89 (one Rose Bowl loss, one win, two very long parades) this post has inspired me to become a member. Your posts offer humor and comfort in a year with a secondary made of former quarterbacks and duct tape. Bargain bin third market duct tape with the crappy adhesive. Many thanks, Brian.
October 22nd, 2010 at 4:59 PM ^
red ‘accent’ pillows with beads or something on them that are essentially unable to support the human head
I fucking hate those pillows, but every time we're at the furniture store, my wife's eyes get huge when she sees those things. Then we have to go through the whole explanation of function vs. fashion. Stupid pillows...
October 22nd, 2010 at 5:06 PM ^
I'm loving this post, but I suggest that others attempt a bit of trickeration like me. You see, my wife doesn't follow football too closely, so she probably won't realize we have a bye. As such, I'm going to run a fake punt on third down:
Me: Wifey, you know what? I want to spend the day with you. No football. No distractions. Just us.
Wifey: Honey...You're so sweet. You'd really give up a Michigan game to spend the day with me?
Me: Absolutely. I can tivo the game and watch it late when you're asleep. Let's go do something really boring!
Then, on fourth down (aka Sunday, when the Lions are off as well)...I'm going to run the same damn play!
October 22nd, 2010 at 5:07 PM ^
I'm just going to needlessly add to the fawning over this post, but wow. This is like CRex level of epic.
October 22nd, 2010 at 5:14 PM ^
of your weekend!
Thanks for the laughs!
October 22nd, 2010 at 5:19 PM ^
but can your wife play safety? Can she put a kickoff into the endzone with any regularity?
October 22nd, 2010 at 5:19 PM ^
I say again: Well played, sir.
October 22nd, 2010 at 11:23 PM ^
not lactose intolerant to the second half of this word...dary
October 22nd, 2010 at 5:59 PM ^
I think we would all appreciate a liveblog of the day's events.
October 22nd, 2010 at 6:01 PM ^
Great diary lol
Hope you all enjoy your bye week :|
October 22nd, 2010 at 10:32 PM ^
Thanks for the well wishes boss
October 22nd, 2010 at 6:04 PM ^
"Does this make me look fat?"
October 22nd, 2010 at 6:29 PM ^
I am laying the chalk, bigtime, wife Six Zero Wife. Lay the 28.5. She'll win by at least 5 touchdowns and clean stores out of at least 3 sales. Wrap those up in a parlay, if you must.
Book It!
Funny stuff, 6-0. Thanks for the laughs. Good luck tomorrow, you will need it.
October 22nd, 2010 at 6:32 PM ^
I reluctantly let the wife know it was a bye week. She already knew since I'd sent her Outlook invites for every Michigan game. You may think that's strange but it was my last resort to avoid her scheduling "important" activities during the M football season.
BTW, I concur that this diary is inspired brilliance. I might even show the wife. Hmmm....
October 22nd, 2010 at 9:38 PM ^
Sending Outlook invites for Michigan games is currently being underrated for its hilarity. Well done sir.
October 22nd, 2010 at 6:34 PM ^
Would like to see dollar signs in the spread column. What's the over under this weekend?
October 22nd, 2010 at 6:40 PM ^
I am well familiar with this scenario. The sheer inanity/boredom of your impending torture make my eyes bleed in sympathy. Nevertheless the mere fact that you're subjecting yourself to this agony marks you as a top-drawer MGoHusband. Well done. Now excuse me while I towel the tears of uncontrollable laughter off my face.
October 22nd, 2010 at 6:43 PM ^
She's a Bama fan (mixed marriage) with no idea that we have a bye week! I plan to use that to my advantage. Soo Bahk Do (Tang Soo Do) training outdoors at 9am. Son's Lacrosse game at noon. Other son's baseball tournament beginning in the afternoon. She thinks I'm a great dad because there won't be one hint of complaint about me missing the Michigan game.
Also agree with the previous posts about those damn sofa pillows. 20 years of marriage and I have probably spent six months of my life getting them off the sofa to get comfortable.
Excellent post, sir. Like others have stated, this is why I hit this post every day!
October 22nd, 2010 at 10:43 PM ^
my wife asked what was so funny too...she didn't see all the humor.
I'll be heading out for "date night" and a lot of errands too, so hopefully it gets me through another couple of weeks.
Great post!
October 22nd, 2010 at 6:47 PM ^
October 22nd, 2010 at 7:02 PM ^
My wife day won't happen til Sunday when I continue the powder room remodel.
Saturday however . . . I'll be chaperoning my daughter's DAISY FIELD TRIP !!!
22 5-7 yr old girls are going to tear me limb from limb.
October 22nd, 2010 at 8:26 PM ^
No Lions on Sunday, either. I plan to build up some karma, yessir.
We will go on the much discussed "nature hike" during the day, and then I actually suggested we get tickets to see "The Mikado" at the Michigan Opera Theater.
I fully expect a night of sex, Sunday dinner, AND uninhibited football watching right through the Super Bowl.
Yeah, right...
October 22nd, 2010 at 7:23 PM ^
Thanks for making it feel like a normal Friday before a game. It held me like a regular game preview. Cool.
October 22nd, 2010 at 7:35 PM ^
"We're going to go to Home Depot. Maybe Bed Bath & Beyond, I don't know if we'll have enough time!"
After reading this diary, I have assured myself that it will be at least another decade before I'll get married.
October 22nd, 2010 at 7:50 PM ^
Words cannot describe how much I enjoyed this.
October 22nd, 2010 at 7:58 PM ^
I loved this thread, too. More power to you!
October 22nd, 2010 at 8:04 PM ^
last home game for the Flyweights that I coach.
Football still rules even in bye week!
HHHA HA HA HAAAAA!
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