SHOPPING?!

[Ed: No preview today since it's a bye week, except for... you know... this. Also there is an Other People Pressers for it. No. seriously.]

Essentials

So this is our off-week, which celebrates a time-honored tradition in my household, WIFEDAY.  That’s right, WifeDay--  the one weekend in the fall where my wife gets to actually spend a Saturday afternoon, IN THE FALL, NO LESS, with a logical, rational and an almost carefree version of her husband.  I have found that giving up this Saturday every year is a small way to give back for her willingness to honor my all-consuming fanaticism for Michigan football, which basically means that she stays out of the way of the TV every weekend from September through November.  So she gets to plan the day, and we do it together.  Heck, I might even humor her and forego the UM wardrobe and wear something striped and collared.  Well, maybe.

Defense vs. Home Furnishings

So yes, my wife has decided that she’d like to do some shopping this weekend.  We’ve recently made some upgrades to the house, and I’m sure she’d like to get a few things to make the place as nice as it can.  Yikes, I could be in for a long day—the place we’re going to has a Pottery Barn, some furniture chain outlet, and I think there may even be an Ikea nearby. 

Let’s make no mistake here… there’s no way I’m going to get out of having to look at things for the house together.  I also need to be nearby when these decisions are being made, or else I’ll find myself sitting on my couch next week trying to watch the PSU game in a sea of red ‘accent’ pillows with beads or something on them that are essentially unable to support the human head.  I’m going to have to put in quality time here just to preserve the sanctity of my home.

Key Matchup:Six Zero vs. Suffocating Furniture Sales Representatives, and exotic wicker décor of any kind.  It’ll get ugly early.

Man-Store Offense vs. Wife

I will not go down without a fight...

Yes!  The day will not be a total wash—where there’s retail, there’s electronics, and that’s where I'll get most of my yardage on the day.  There’s nothing in Best Buy that I couldn’t necessarily find online, but there’s something essentially primal about stalking BluRays, PS3 games or WiFi gear that doesn’t even require a purchase.  Other draws might include an UnderArmour outlet (ridiculously un-outlet prices notwithstanding), Black and Decker, Columbia, and perhaps even an Adidas outlet.

Key Matchup:Wife’s curiosity vs. the sheer glory of the Bose retail outlet space.  Quite simply, the concept of having a home theater that is ‘good enough’ does not exist—I could spend $1800 on one and still find myself yearning for a better one tomorrow.  Mine is currently well out of date, and I tend to visibly drool inside the confines of the Bose outlet.  If my wife gets a taste of the Kool-Aid, it could be the turning point of the entire afternoon for our offense.  On the other hand, if they’re actually showing college football in there, I’ll probably revert from model husband form and back to MGoBlog cretin, and she’ll simply leave the store.

Man Defense vs. Women’s Apparel

As Brian Says, “DOOM.”

This is where she pulls away for the victory.  There’s no freshmen secondary to blame here, just the inexplicable love/hate relationship women share with their favorite boutiques.  They seem to be painstakingly loyal to these brands despite being so frequently let down with empty shelves, wrong sizes, and clothes that don’t fit just right.  Despite all of this, it’s always worth it when the store comes through and she gets that mythical creature known as the ‘perfect outfit.’  In many ways, it is very much like our devotion to the maize and blue.

I’m in big trouble here, and everyone knows it, even the overweight forty-something saleswoman who viciously tells my wife that every single thing looks perfect on her.  My best defenses are my well-charged phone, which is currently equipped with everything from a web browser to Crazy Taxi, and/or my ability to slip away to the nearest Banana Republic or even Eddie Bauer if there’s no chair for me to sit in by the dressing room.

Key Matchup:The Samsung Mythic and ATTWireless vs. Quality Reception in Random Shoe Store.  I have a good history with NBC Sports play-by-play features for whatever games will be live during the outing, and I’ll eventually move onto highlight vid clips as the afternoon unfolds.  I’ll get torched, no question, but it’s either that or shop for myself, which all wives eventually get tired of.  The last thing I want to be accused of is ‘not spending the day together,’ which would cancel the entire transaction of ‘quality time’ that Wife Day is about.  To some degree, I have to man up and let her do her shopping.

Food Offense vs. Shopping

This is my last ditch at owning the day.  I’m not sure what we’ll be up for, but I have some options here, and I intend to cash in on them.  GameDay is always a good day for food, and I usually have some sort of Brats, burgers, or other grilled fare unless my wife steps up and serves her patented football nacho spread.  Maybe that’s why I’m so willing to devote the off-week to her: she respects GameDay, and all of my weird obsessive rituals associated with it.  So this is my own little way of giving back to the marriage.  Plus I usually end up at some sort of chain sit-down place like Ruby Tuesdays or Friday’s or something, and she’ll even pretend not to notice as I stare over her shoulder and root for whoever’s playing the Damn Buckeyes.  I’ll probably also be good early on for some sort of escape to the nearest Sonic for a Grape Limeade, and plus there’s always that Gourmet place with the killer Buffalo dip to keep me going throughout the afternoon.

Key Matchup:Fajitas vs. Red Meat.  That is all.

Special Teams

I hold the edge here, because despite all the fuss that this is her day, I know my wife well enough to know that she’s going to end up shopping for me.  I’m business professional by day, but I’m also enough of ‘a guy’ to wear pants with frayed edges and holes in my socks and still say that I don’t need anything new.  I’ll come home with some nice new shirt for work, or something that she just couldn’t resist for the price.  It’s not official adidas gear, but the possibility even exists for that… stranger things have happened.

Key Matchup:STOP KICKING THE DAMN BALL.  Simple wisdom for a complex world.

Intangibles

Cheap Thrills

Worry if...

• Ann Taylor has coupons of any kind.
• She brings an early Christmas Shopping List
• New stores, with a Grand Opening Sale.

Cackle with knowing glee if...

• My wife says “Wow, those surround sound units are amazing.”
• The words “Go ahead and I’ll catch up with you later” are even whispered.
• Live football is being displayed on any television in my basic vicinity.

Fear/Paranoia Level: 7 (Baseline 5; +1 for Wife Day, +1 for Fall Fashions, –1 for For All My Complaining There’s Some Things There For Me Too, +1 for At The End of the Day I’m At An Outlet Center When Quality College Football is Being Played, –1 for But All In All She’s A Pretty Great Wife and It’s a Yearly Tradition)

Desperate need to win level: 2 (Baseline 5; -1 for I Know Better, –1 for I’ve Seen It So Many Times Before so Don't Panic, -1 for Sets Me Up Quite Well for the Rest of the Season )

Loss will cause me to...Let her have her day in the sun.

Win will cause me to...Worry about screwing up a good thing.

Finally, three opportunities for me to look stupid Sunday:

• I come home with new footwear of any kind.
• We actually have room left in the back of my SUV at the end of the day.
• My wife reads this blog and doesn’t realize that it’s just humor playing off of Brian’s previews.
• Happy Wife, 48-10.