Denard to start at Quarterback, Cornerback, Drum Major
I present, to the MGoBlog community, late-breaking information: Denard Robinson will be your starter at quarterback, as suspected by many. Also, he will also be starting at cornerback, bringing his much needed speed and dreadlockiness to that position. He will additionally be leading the famed Michigan Marching band in pre-game, halftime, and postgame performances.
Perhaps you are wondering how one man can effectively perform three seperate high energy roles to maximum effect during the course of one afternoon. Perhaps you are wondering how a player can discuss defensive adjustments with the coaches whilst simultaneously scrambling for first downs. Perhaps you find it unlikely that one man can lead the band in "The Victors" as he runs down the tunnel onto the field. The answer is simple: Time Travel.
It is a well known fact that one can travel backwards in time simply by travelling at sufficiently ridiculous speeds (source: Star Trek IV, Superman [1978 version], etc). It is an equally well known fact that Mr. Robinson is capable of reaching such speeds. Armed with that knowledge, the plan becomes obvious: Denard plays through a game at quarterback. After the game, he begins to run around the earth or sun or something at tremendous speed, eventually arriving at the previous Thursday. He then takes Friday off to relax and recooperate, and then plays the game again on Saturday, this time at cornerback. At the conclusion of his second time through the game, he then travels backwards once more, arriving far enough back in time to participate in the MMB's final walkthrough before their Saturday performance. At the end of the game, he bids his two previous selves goodbye before they travel back in time themselves (thus preserving space-time continuity) and then resumes his daily life.
Now, I suppose at this point you may be doubting my credibility. You may think I am a liar, or insane. I assure you that this is not the case, and I can offer proof that Denard Robinson has in fact been engaging in time travel. Find a copy of the Bayeux Tapestry (the famous, 1000-year old length of embroidered cloth depicting the Norman invasion of England). Look closely, and you will notice a maize-clad bedreadlocked warrior juking a Norman footman right out of his chainmail. The warrior's purpose is unknown but his identity is clear. Do you see it? It's sort of in the middle of the tapestry. On the back. Still not convinced? Pull up the footage of earth taken from the moon by the Apollo 17 crew. Look at the terminator (the dividing line between day and night) and you will notice an inexplicable streak of light moving across the globe at tremendous speed. Magnify the image and you will note that the streak is not wearing shoelaces. Don't see it? I don't know, maybe you need to adjust the resolution of your monitor. On that date in 1972, Denard Robinson travelled back in time to prevent the second attack on Pearl Harbor, which would ignite World War III. I don't want to reopen any old, alternate reality-based wounds by telling you who launched the attack. Okay, fine. It was Canada.
Now, before you get your hopes up for an undefeated season and a national championship, I must mention that there is an inherent drawback to this system. As each trip back in time alters the space-time continuum, Denard cannot predict the future with total accuracy in spite of having previously lived in it. This was tragically confirmed during last year's UM-MSU football game. If you load up the game from your TIVO or whatever you have, at one point you can clearly see Denard Robinson confidently whispering to the Space Emporer that a fake punt will "definitely work here". Nevertheless, remain confident that all your zone-reading, pass-breaking-up, and bending-over-backwards-and-touching-your-head-to-the-turf duties will be expertly handled by Michigan's own dilithium-powered chrononaut.
August 24th, 2010 at 11:54 AM ^
Funny but these are really getting old. Is it September 4th yet?
August 24th, 2010 at 12:07 PM ^
No, it's August 24th
August 24th, 2010 at 12:08 PM ^
Thanks -- it's obvious by these threads.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:44 PM ^
What's getting old are the, "Is it September 4th yet?" lines.
August 24th, 2010 at 11:55 AM ^
What up with that, What up with that.
August 24th, 2010 at 11:55 AM ^
a good screenplay.
August 24th, 2010 at 11:58 AM ^
I'll be honest, that felt like homework
August 24th, 2010 at 12:07 PM ^
My thoughts exactly. Homework I read and wish I had not.
August 24th, 2010 at 11:59 AM ^
in a Delorean. When you can't run fast, you need to have a flux-capacitor.
August 24th, 2010 at 11:59 AM ^
Perhaps you are wondering how one man can effectively perform three seperate high energy roles to maximum effect during the course of one afternoon.
He has wings.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:03 PM ^
Also, Viagra does the trick for this sort of thing.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:11 PM ^
*MGoSeppuku*
August 24th, 2010 at 12:16 PM ^
Going really fast = go back in time [via poorly researched stories]. Physics says: going really fast = go FORWARD in time [via time is slower for you] and that traveling back in time is impossible. The News says: Back in Time = excelent soundtrack song [via Huey Lewis/Robert Zemeckis].
Who are we to believe?
August 24th, 2010 at 12:43 PM ^
If you go backwards really fast, you go back in time!
August 24th, 2010 at 1:13 PM ^
As you approach the speed of light, your relative time slows down, theoretically stopping at the speed of light. If one were to suppass the speed of light, conventional wisdom suggest that time would in fact start going backwards.
Example: Denard runs at .9c (speed of light), 1 minute for him would be 1 day for mortals not traveling at .9c
Now say Denard is traveling c. In this instance time would essentially stand still as 1 Denard minute would equal infinite mortal minutes.
If Denard were travel at say 1.5c, he would then theoretically be going back in time (relative to mortals), but eons would be passing beneath his feet.
However the problem is, while Denard appears to go back in time, he can get to a point in time before he achieved c.
(Edit: for those wondering, I AM a complete nerd)
August 24th, 2010 at 1:16 PM ^
that one can approach and surpass c, which, most feel is not possible. At least not if you have mass, which Denard, unfortunately does.
August 24th, 2010 at 1:54 PM ^
So your saying he can make the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs?
August 24th, 2010 at 12:16 PM ^
The best Every Three Weekly-styled post in a while. Well done.
If only I was that fast, then it could be September 4th.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:22 PM ^
I only read up to "dreadlockiness" and thought that was about as good as it was going to get. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, but I just figured I was at the apex about then.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:29 PM ^
Is this the rumor referenced in the "UCONN defense" thread? It's gotta be, I just don't see how this is a bad thing.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:40 PM ^
If Denard is gonna participate in the MMB, he will obviously be a member of the drumline. I'm thinking tenors would best suit his dilithium chops. Ever heard what a single stroked buzz roll sounds like? No? Give 'em a taste Denard.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:58 PM ^
Denard will be a baton twirler, and Jeremy Ross will be the baton.
August 24th, 2010 at 2:18 PM ^
Zen question: Could Denard score a touchdown that was so awesome it caused the MMB to get excited and play the Victors faster than Denard could drum it?
August 24th, 2010 at 12:41 PM ^
+1 for not making this a diary. Let's keep all future rants and rambles either satirical or deadpan to the boards.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:54 PM ^
here is the snap, Robinson rolls right, he looks, he has Denard Robinson on a post, Robinson throws, and Robinson has it, 10, 5, TOUCHDOWN DENARD ROBINSON!! What a throw and catch by Robinson!
On comes Denard Robinson for the extra point, out of the Denard Robinson hold. It is up and good!"
- Pam Ward
August 24th, 2010 at 2:44 PM ^
The Denards will only go for two, never kick the extra point.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:55 PM ^
drive the bus?
August 24th, 2010 at 1:02 PM ^
tl;dr?
August 24th, 2010 at 1:28 PM ^
effing nerds.
August 24th, 2010 at 1:33 PM ^
I'm gonna throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 88.
Where we're going we don't need roads.
August 24th, 2010 at 1:47 PM ^
Somebody was watching Nickelodeon last night...
August 24th, 2010 at 1:59 PM ^
Hopefully we can just talk about all the touchdowns he puts up on UConn for the next post about him.
August 24th, 2010 at 2:45 PM ^
Canada could never start WWIII. The rest of the world would laugh at them. OH NO THE MOUNTIES ARE INVADING.
The rest of the post sounds about right though.
August 24th, 2010 at 3:00 PM ^
...then he can go play CB for Michigan last year.
August 24th, 2010 at 4:50 PM ^
Ahhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhhh Fighter of the Night Man
August 25th, 2010 at 12:54 AM ^
Dilithium+Time Travel=o.0
My mind has been reduced to mush just trying to wrap my mind around the possibility of that much time-warped dilithium in one place at one time