OT - MGoWeddings
So, I am getting married...eventually. I am recently engaged and I have been going through the process. I have discovered how much people are more than willing to share about their experiences and pass on advice. Almost everyones says "don't spend a lot of money" because they all did and while they enjoyed it the wedding, that's th emost common thing people would've changed.
Personally, I am about as excited as most men are about the actualy planning process involved. 
One of the best stories I've heard so far involved a lost pair of pants for the groom, resulting in him wearing gray suit pants with his tux, and starting 3 hours late because of it.
Interesting stories...tips...advice?
We got married in a barrel room at a winery in Napa… in February. It was a beautiful venue, it smelled great, and of course the wine was excellent. The weather was like a crisp fall day in Ann Arbor, so that was pretty damn perfect too.
We split the planning responsibilities along the “what I care about” line. She cared about flowers and food. I cared about photography, music, and sound. We trusted each other to do each thing right. Mothers-in-law were cool – neither of them meddled in the planning.
We were old enough (early 30s) to pay for most of the wedding ourselves and smart enough to not go crazy with expenses. That said, we probably spent too much, but what great memories! I’ve never done the math to figure out what the ORCL stock I sold to pay for it would be worth today. Please, MGoBloggers, do not do the math for me…
My ex-girlfriend attended our wedding. She introduced me to my wife-to-be long after we stopped dating, so it made sense. Nonetheless, that freaked out my mother, especially when my ex proposed a toast. The toast was quite tame, as it turned out.
My main mistake was not getting my wife's agreement in writing that she would attend one home football game with me every year. We have a verbal agreement, but she has “no recollection of that discussion.” We live in CA and I think she has only joined me for 2 games since we got married 24 years ago. On the other hand, that gives me free reign to recapture the spirit of youth when I make my way to Ann Arbor in the fall, so I guess it was not that much of a mistake.
1). Keep your mouth shut
2). Keep your mouth shut
3). Don't get drunk during any part of your wedding (I didn't and I'm so glad actually)
4). Take a second or two every so often to appreciate that all of the people you love are in one room celebrating your big moment
5). Pack yourself snacks to eat throughout the day, it's a long day
6). Smile and enjoy!
Congrats!
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Yes, my shoes came off right after the ceremony. Blisters for days.
After knowing my wife for 2 months (we worked together in SF), we jumped on a plane and eloped in Vegas. It was just the 2 of us. Cost: $100. Honeymooned the next day in Paris (hotel & casino). We did have another true honeymoon later on - 2 weeks in Hawaii (one week in each Kawaii and Maui). Have been married 15 years and have 3 awesome kids.
Got married on a bye week. My brother's home attendance streak continues uninterrupted to this day and all was well. My advice - let your wife do the planning and, if possible, her parents do the paying. Don't forget, you're just a prop in HER wedding. Deal with it.
If ever there was a thread set up for a CRex return...this might be it.
i seem to recall anyway
Remember this: When you were a kid, playing Hot Wheels and catching frogs, your wife was planning her wedding. She will ask for your input and then ignore it, because she has known since she was ten years old exactly how she wants her wedding.
As a groom, you are a prop. Your job is to show up and stand where you are told and stay out of the way the rest of the time. Do not fight this, just go with the flow.
Keep your eyes on the prize: The Honeymoon. Here, you will have a full say on what happens.
Also remember this: Your Honeymoon is the only time in your adult life where you will be given complete no-questions-asked slack on everything. Milk this. It will never happen again.
Complete strangers will go out of their way for you because it is your Honeymoon. I remember we missed some kind of bill payment when we were on our Honeymoon. When we told the surly person on the phone that it was because of our Honeymoon, she said "That's OK, these things happen. We'll just look the other way this time." Any other day and she would have ripped our heads off.
Make your Honeymoon last as long as you can. Don't skimp. It is a bubble from reality that can not be replicated.
You speak the truth re: women planning their weddings. I was fortunate in that my parents never talked to me about getting married. It was always, What are you going to do with your life, career-wise? But many girls are brought up hearing, "On your wedding day, you can be a princess....", which is apparently appealing to some women. I have friends who lost their minds while planning their weddings. They became different people, focusing on napkins and tablecloths and such. One actually said, "This is my day!" when talking about planning her wedding. She is now divorced. (Although to her credit, she had an amazing band who I ended up using in a Sears back to school commercial)
have courtiers to plan their events for them.
Your parents were exceptionally wise. Raising girls to obsess about marriage is an anarchronism. I don't understand parents who encourage that kind of thinking. They are doing their daughters a terrible disservice.
You get a similar leash when you have a very young kid. New Yorkers will stab you if you try to sit on the subway at the same time they are, but bring a small baby on and suddenly you get a whole row.
As for the wife planning her wedding, I think that is a stereotype that has some basis in reality for a portion of the population but certainly not all. My wife didn't really care about getting married, and I was the one pushing for it when we did. She got more into it as it went along, but the few ideas I had about the wedding were met with enthusiastic support, and hell we had family making decisions on food and colors because we (a) didn't care, and (b) couldn't get to the venue in time.
Now, looking to adopt a dog...
It took me awhile to figure this out M-Dog. Once I did, and stopped insisting on any input, everything went a lot smoother. I will say smaller and simpler is better, and the claims about average spending on weddings that wedding planners make are mostly bs and grossly inflated.
It took me awhile to figure this out M-Dog. Once I did, and stopped insisting on any input, everything went a lot smoother. I will say smaller and simpler is better, and the claims about average spending on weddings that wedding planners make are mostly bs and grossly inflated.
It's only costs $20,000 to rent. s/
My step-brother paid $35,000 for everything.(including ring)Outrageous. He works a good job and is excellent with his money, but that's way too much for a ceremony and party.
My grandparents got married by a justice of the peace and had a sandwich afterwards. They were married for 30 years before my grandfmother died of lung cancer.(fuck cancer) My dad married my step-mom by going to Vegas and had a simple ceremony when they got back. They've been married 25 years now.
My mother was married four times by the time she was 35. Yes, you read that correctly. If she had lived past 47(fuck cancer) she probably would have been came close or equalled Elizabeth Taylor's marital record.
From both I learned that the ceremony is not what counts. It's the marriage itself. Not that I have to tell any married people this, but I do think it is worth remembering when getting engaged and planning a wedding.
Here's the problem with getting married at the Big House . . . if it does not work out and ends messy, you will come to hate everything that reminds you of your ex.
So instead of the Big House reminding you of the rose in Charles' teeth, it will forever remind you of the thorn in your side that was your ex.
I mean I love Michigan football and all, but that's not a suitable place for being married.
My mother and stepfather got married on their lunch hours in a judge's chambers over a half-eaten corned beef sandwich and a pistol (or so the lore goes)..........
We were kinda young and poor (both grad students during the engagement, I was a baby lawyer when we got married) and had different religions/regions involved, so parents were pretty involved/financed a good part of the proceedings. I don't think our wedding was that expensive given the area (Boston), but definitely richer than my blood.
That said, had a good time, and if everyone is okay with the financial part then you can try to have an inclusive a ceremony as possible. Because I will say, we went to a couple of weddings for friends who financed it on their own, and at two of them they didn't even have a cash bar because it would have cost some base amount of money to have the guy there, I guess. I get you are trying to save some money, but it kinda sucks sitting there during a dry reception with people you don't know and then see the couples post pictures from nice resorts on honeymoons a couple months later. It just felt...ugh when we dropped over a thousand dollars we didn't have for plane flights, hotels, gifts, strip joints, etc.
I got married very recently (like, two Saturdays ago!), so I have timely advice.
- Do photographs before the ceremony. Yes, you don't get the at the altar reveal. But my wife worked with the photographer so that we got our own private reveal. It was much better, and we had the bulk of the photographs finished before our guests arrived. We took a few after-ceremony shots, then got to spend time with our guests.
- Pick and choose your costs. We didn't care about decorations or centerpieces at the reception, so we did them ourselves and saved money. We did care about food, so we shopped around alot until we found what we liked.
- Buffet > plated.
- Drink more water. Did you finish your last glass? Don't care, get another. You will be talking all evening and find yourself dehydrated if you don't pay attention.
- But you won't have time to drink. Everyone will still offer to get you a beer or drink, even though you're holding a two-thirds filled glass.
- Seat significant others of the wedding party at the head table. Nothing sucks more than being the significant other of the wedding party. Both of us had done it before and essentially ended up flying solo at a wedding where we didn't really know anyone. We had only two bridesmaids and three groomsman, so we sat significant others up front with us.
Admittedly, some of this was unique to our wedding. Our caterers were incredibly efficient. We had over 120 guests, and everyone was through the buffet within 20 minutes. The venue did not have a full kitchen on site, so our caterers had to cook offsite, then bring everything to the venue. To serve a plated menu, they would have set up a buffet in the prep area to make plates. At that point, we figured it made just as much sense to do an actual buffet. Plus, there was no difference in cost.
I've been to too many plated weddings where I wanted to stab someone for extra food after caterers skimped on the plating. Never had that problem at a buffet.
Wife and I both went to Michigan and were introduced as to the Victors playing as we walked in which the band then segued into our first dance song. Pick a good song and try to avoid the generic first song cliches.
Other things that I considered non-negotiable:
- I would not get married on a football weekends or any other significant weekends that I didn't want to go to a wedding on (NFL playoff weekends, NCAA tourney, holiday weekends).
- Wedding has to have an open bar with a good choice of beer, liquor and mixers. Make sure to get it in the contract what they will serve and specify brands ifyou have any favorites. I picked the scotch, vodka, beer that would be served and also specified if I wanted a particular mixer.
- Pigs n blankets were not negotiable at the cocktail hour. A wedding without pigs n blankets is not a wedding.
- Have a do-not-play list for yoru band or DJ. We had most disco and generic wedding songs on there that people under the age of 50 can't dance to. We told our band that the primary thing we wanted was to have our friends dance and to pick appropriate songs for that.
Another piece of advice, once your reception starts, it may be hard for you to actually sit down and eat. If you get married on site (rather than at a church), most places will have a room for the bride to get ready. Highly recommend that you ask them to stock it with the cocktail hour food so you can relax for 20 min after the ceremony and get a bit to eat before going to the reception. Once the party starts, you'll have a tough time eating so get it while you can.
Qualifications: nine years of exceptionally happy marriage to a woman I met in South Quad and four years later married up the street at St. Mary's Student Parish across from Cottage Inn.
Like most here, I could go on about all sorts of things. But let me offer a few things on places we chose to spend more or less on, and the result:
Places we spent less (ie, a smaller percentage of the total budget than average):
* Rehearsal dinner: we did Pizza House, which is pretty inexpensive in the scheme of things. We had a real nice time there. I'd say we were happy with that.
* Photographer: we went inexpensive here as well, and it was THE WORST decision we made. Pay a bit more for someone with real wedding experience, and give them a list of shots you'd like taken.
* Videographer: we didn't have one. Don't regret it. Still wish we had better pictures though.
* Flowers: we went pretty light here, and I think it was the right call. No one really cares about flowers, especially in the church and on the tables. Get a nice bouquet for your lady and call it a day. I've been to a bunch of weddings, and the only time I've ever heard people talk about the flowers was the time when I close friend whose family is in the flower business got married -- all of their suppliers sent free flowers as a wedding gift, and they were indeed incredible. Otherwise, whatever.
* Dress: my wife spent comparitively little here. I think she'd say she wishes she would have spent even less. But careful suggesting this if she has her heart set on something fancy!
Places we spent more:
* Engagement Ring, but that ship has sailed for you.
* Bar: we had a very fulsome bar setup, all open bar. Made for a fun party. Highly suggested. Do something open bar, even if all you can afford is a beer or two, a wine or two, and a liquor or two (or do the ever more popular "signature drink" thing, where you have a premixed cocktail or two available, but not a true open bar). Most important wedding decision!
* Band: we had a sweet band. Loved it. They were from D-town and crushed a bunch of Motown and stuff. People drank and danced like crazy -- ended the night dripping in sweat.
* Honeymoon: hello Tahiti! Actually, don't go to Tahiti. It takes forever to get there. Go to the Carribean if that is your sort of thing.
I'll also say this: I put this in more/less terms because you can have a huge range of budgets. That said, I've been to weddings ranging in cost from $10K to $400K (not a typo), and I'm not sure there is even a smidge of correlation between how much fun people have and the amount dropped on the event... make the focus of the event on how people (especially you and your wife) will HAVE FUN and let the rest take care of itself.
Last thing: watch your drinking. I didn't drink much and am SO GLAD that I didn't. I remember everything perfectly, was, ahem, at my full faculties come 3am when we finally got back to our room, and was able to wake up the next morning and do a go away brunch thing as a last chance to see friends and family without wanting to kill myself. I did drink, but decidely in moderation.
Gather close Mgoers and you shall hear my tale of wedding woe:
First things first, It was by and large a wonderful wedding. Legalwife is not a big fan of having friends who also happen to be female so she had a bridesman and two bridesmaids. All the bridesmaids lived in different states and picked up their dresses separately. No one had bothered to really look at these things until the day of the wedding. Once the dresses came out it was clear they did not match. Worse, the best way to describe the peach dress was unimaginably ugly. Bridesman was of course in a suit but it was a suit that was supposed to complement the bridesmaids. It did not. I panicked because I assume legalwife was awful upset about this. We had essentally no chance that morning to talk to one another, and I only found out through a series of quick texts from legalsister. So anyway the groomsmen and I are at the chapel waiting and waiting... and waiting. I think maybe she's not going through with this! Maybe this dress thing has just pushed her over the edge and she's in tears and or otherwise inconsolable! I send the best man for a report on what the hell is going on. He returns with the following news: "I found them. They were laughing an drinking wine and generally unaware that the wedding had started 30 minutes ago. They're on the way."
Long story short. Things will go wrong and as long as you don't care nobody else will either.
Remember to make sure the pastor or judge's mic works. Our judge was a dear friend of the family and he was 88 years old and we forgot a mic, so no one heard him but us.
Don't say you and your husband/wife are best friends in your wedding vows. That's just something stupid people say to each other in their stupid wedding vows. Please, say that at your wedding, then play that ukulele version of "Somehwere Over the Rainbow."
Real orgininal Dave. Oh, maybe you should get a dog the year before you have children, you know, for practive. Kill yourself Dave, your life's been lived like a billion times.
Go up to the people that are helping you pay for the wedding (hopefully this is the case).
Say to them weddings can cost up to $50K. I will settle for $25K.
Then get married in the back yard and spend your savings on a house. Most fights are about money, why waste it on one party.
Some tips:
1. Please don't let anyone other than you and your wife to be make decisions. It's your day and a once in s lifetime (ideally) experience. Don't let friends and family muck it up. I understand that you may get some family money that requires you to follow some of their rules (I.e. Invite your aunt Sally you haven't seen in 20 years). Control the peripheral influencers as much as possible.
2. Unless money is no object, keep the wedding fairly small. Lots of people have already given good reasons for this, so I'll leave it at that.
3. Do your honeymoon almost directly after the wedding. You'll need it.
4. Keep in mind that there is a big difference between a wedding and a marriage. Weddings are a one day thing, marriages are a lifetime (hopefully). Most of the details of the wedding will be forgotten in about a year and you'll wonder why you spent so much time, energy and money figuring out the place settings, etc.
5. Guys should get involved in the planning as much as possible. Or else you'll end up like me: at your own wedding feeling out of place. I had a blast at my wedding, but I remember about half way through the wedding, I thought to myself: this is not my wedding. Because I didn't really have a choice in many things, i felt as if the wedding didn't exhibit much of my style. In some sense, I felt like more of guest at the wedding than being the groom.
So, my now wife and I didn't follow these rules and whole planning process and we were both miserable through the whole planning process. We both wish we did it differently. We definitely spent too much and it will hamper us from buying a house for awhile. Again, the wedding is a one day event that mostly be forgotten in the coming years. Don't let it hamper the most important aspect: your marriage.
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Great advice all around. We were pretty lucky and had almost complete say (except for guest list - we had to invite a few family members I could have done without). My husband and I made our own invitations (I wrote, he art directed) and that saved money. I worked at a pastry shop at the time and they gave me the cake for free, and it was delicious. The ceremony was very loose, the bridemaids got to pick their own dresses (just had to be the same color), no speeches (all done at the rehearsal dinner), and open bar. Fun was had by all.
My story involves a crazy ex-girlfriend who threatened to disrupt the wedding. She was going to show up and loudly proclaim that she was pregnant with my child when the priest announced to "speak now or forever hold your peace." My bride-to-be was freaked out. At her insistance, we consulted a lawyer about a restraining order. He chuckled at our dilemma, but did give us good advice. It might not be so easy to get such an order granted, and if the crazy ex were determined, a restraining order wouldn't stop her; it might even incite her. He suggested instead that we let a few trusted friends and family know and have them on the lookout to prevent her coming into the church, which is what we did. Thankfully, she never showed.
Similar but different story: My husband's best friend from childhood married an actress, and at the time of the wedding, she was in a TV show. The entire cast came to the wedding, which took place in Milwaukee, where she was from. My husband was one of the groomsmen, but I was seated in the rows with the guests. In the middle of the ceremony, the guy next to me pulls out a big camera and I realize it's a papparazzo. So I called over to one of the groomsmen and alerted him. All the groomsmen came over in the middle of the ceremony, took the guy's camera, removed the film, and escorted him from the premises. Very exciting!
Yours definitely doesn't sound as fun-filled..........
as another poster said, it does prevent "the altar reveal."
However, one thing about your wedding day is that (a) it goes by incredibly incredibly fast, and (b) you truly get very little "just the two of us" time. You DO want some of that latter --- not for any extra-cirrcular activity, but just to treasure and enjoy the relatively fleeting moment of your wedding day. It's a day you'll never forget.
So, do the photos beforehand, and you get some of that time beforehand. And you also get the chance --- a quick spin in a limo, or just a walk between the two of you, et cetera --- to get that "just the two of us" time in-between the ceremony and the reception (all your reception guests can get a head-start on their drinking in this time).
You get to the reception and believe me, it just FLIES by: an endless stream of dozens of people to talk to, dancing, cake cutting, eating, drinking, et cetera. You're definitely not getting much "just the two of us" time at the reception.
But it was in Argentina, so that meant it took place in April. Worked out great as we got a lot more for our money. Drawback was that many friends couldn't make the very long trip.
My advice: Focus on the three things most important to you and only worry about those. Something will go wrong, so don't worry if it's not perfect.
Oh, and start as early as possible. You don't want to be running around those last few weeks.
Those souvenirs often just end up in a junk drawer or getting tossed, but the only two things I kept: (1) a simple glass Christmas ornament embossed with the names of the bride and groom & the wedding date; (2) a bottle of sparkling wine with a customized label depicting the bride & groom.
1) First, Make a list of things you need for a wedding. Then, find those things at briadal shops. Now go scour the earth for that same thing elsewhere. Anything you can find that is in the same color/style you want but without the word "wedding" on it, it will be 30 per cent cheaper.
2) Pack your wedding meal in a lunch basket. We barely got to eat at the reception, and having a full meal with cake on our wedding night was the second best part of the night.
4) You may not fall under this stereotype, but dude: never make any absolute declarations ("I LOVE" this or "this is terrible!"), because she may have picked it out as the perfect thing. Also: She gets the final say.
5) Good food is what most people will remember about your wedding. Spend extra money there if you are going to splurge.
6) Demand you get ONE thing. I know it sounds selfish, but it shows you are interested and helps you stay involved. Nothing major, mind you. I got to wear wingtip shoes.
7) Be prepared: you will probably have to buy one thing twice. For me, it was a dress. My brother had to re-do all of their engraved invitations for 400 people a week before they were sent out (which actually cost more than the new dress). Just let it slide.
8) Shop around for the wedding photographer. We paid $300 bucks and got about 200 pictures with the rights, and they were fantastic. My brother paid $1200 because he was scared of getting ripped off.
9) Find some way to involve all maternal figures ( hers and yours) in the planning. It makes them feel good, it makes your wife feel connected to your family, and can prevent drama.
10) Not that it's your call, but do the bachelor party weeks ahead of time. Also make sure you bring along someone super responsible who will stay sober. Don't want to make any embarasing mistakes, especially the night before the wedding.
I don't mean look or stare at them, because you'll fall over.
I'm saying make sure your asshole buddies don't tape the words "HELP ME!" on the bottom of your soles so that the whole congregation sees it when you kneel down during the ceremony. This still happens and hilarity and sometimes rage ensues.
2. Never go to bed angry.
Reconcile your differences decisively and immediately. For men, this means repeatedly surrending being correct and being rational, no longer behaving like an alpha.
3. Stay healthy
Being married makes men complacent, and gets them fat, leading to health problems (diabetes, coronary heart disease, stroke).
3. Stay connected to friends and family
I'm hoping it all works out. I'm sure you're smart. She's smart. I'm sure it will be ok. But don't take it all on yourself if it does'nt. 50%+ of all marriages fail and two-thirds of all divorces are filed no fault by the lady (a.k.a. "I'm just not happy anymore"). A lot of my male friends married smart, educated, pretty and nice girls too, but were devastated whenshe pulled the plug years later.
Sorry to be Debbie Downer. Good luck to you and lots of happiness.
I'm a year in. Hasn't been too bad. Just pick your battles man. It's old and cliche. But just learn to let some stuff go. It's ok to let her think she's right every now and then.
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