OT: Fu** Cancer - advice needed

geez... tough call.

I honestly think you and your friend ought to go... i am sure your friend does have he reasons for not wanting anyone see him in that state...but its probably from some misguided notion of not wanting to put anyone out sort to speak.

at the same time, if you are close, i believe that and your friend ought to go see your friend...

as someone going through treatments, i believe that some of the reluctance is not wanting to see their friends/family upset and having those emotions of guilt weighing on him... but shielding friends and family from those painful emotions doesn't lessen that loss, i think it would be tougher not having said your goodbyes when you had that chance too.

again, tough call and there isn't a right answer for it...good luck with your decision

Go down there but with a plan. Arrange for him to go see an expert (best case Ciry of Hope in SoCal or equivalent). Make him do it and escort to appointment. 

If that doesn’t work spend some time with your friend  

Both scenarios are valuable for you and your friend  

I have been there on both scenarios. Both the outcomes are okay. I also sat out one situation. I will always regret that. 

I think this depends how close you are to him. My best friend passed away last year on St Patrick’s Day after fighting cancer for 4+ years. We are both military members (he was medically retired on 2013), and I was living in Germany at the time. He let me know that he was entering hospice care and I could come see him. Naturally, I was on a plane two days later. However, he had numerous friends throughout his military career who he was very close with who wanted to see him, but he politefully declined. To be in his position is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Tumors had pushed against his spine, and paralyzed him from the waist down and his body was shriveled to a shell of his former self. Throughout contact with all of our other friends, I just told them to respect his wishes and it wasn’t about anyone else but him. The massive amount of weight it must bring to someone knowing the ending of their life is imminent is unimaginable, I think. Plus, he didn’t want person after person coming to tell him goodbye. What our friends did, was all write him a message letting him know what he meant to them. It was a great jesters he appreciated, but he expressed to me how massively overwhelming that was still. I say all that to say that you should really assess how close you are with your friend. If this is your best friend, go. If it’s not quite that, you might want to consider respecting his wishes. Either way, don’t let anything go left unsaid that you’ll regret later. Just remember that this is about him and no one else. Good luck and I’m very sorry to hear about your friend. 

I don't have any answers, I just wanted to come on here to say Fuck Cancer.  My son is in elementary school, and his best friend was just diagnosed.  So yeah, fuck cancer.

Definitely get on a plane ASAP and visit. You'll regret not getting down there to see him and if you put it off at all it can be too late. 

I waited literally one extra day to go see my Uncle and when I got down there he was no longer able to communicate when he was up talking the day before. 

Text him and tell him that "seeing him like this" doesn't sound like a deal breaker to you. If you love him, tell him. If you want to see him, tell him. Time to be open and honest, and not hold back. If you are motivated by guilt, not love, leave him alone. If you share love, he will appreciate you and your effort. I'm an old man, trust me. (I know how to text and do fancy keystrokes, though ;)

try calling instead of texting.  hearing someone's voice has a lot more impact than a text message.

just showing up might not be the best route to go if he's already stated he doesn't want people to see him in that condition.

I guess it depends on how close you are too.

He needs you now more than ever even if he doesn't want to admit it.

You definitely visit a fallen soldier

Go visit. Surprise him and give him a hug. He’s going to die. Dont live the rest of your live wishing you’d told him what he’d meant to you. I wish I’d had the chance to tell Marines what I wanted to tell them what they meant to me before they died. Sender Fi

I'd go. My dad died 10 years ago from cancer. All the days I didnt visit him when I knew the end was near, all the calls I missed, the day I realized the voicemails deleted themselves after a certain amount of time...... Once they are gone, they are gone, and the world gets a little smaller and more dark. 

There is not necessarily a right or wrong answer to this.  My buddy cut us all off and that was what he wanted.  But seeing someone you care about before he passes is something to be cherished.  It’s such a tough call but besides a coin flip I would go.  

I am so sorry Wendy.  The board does a nice job of giving the pros and cons of going.  I'm in the "respect his wishes" camp.  There is no clear cut right answer, of course, it depends on what you think is the right answer.  

Call him and tell him that you would really like to visit and go from there. But if he says no, especially over the phone and not text you gotta respect it

I’m so sorry for your friend and that you find yourself in this position. There have been a ton of insightful replies that hopefully given you some clarity in your decision. Just my $0.02, it is absolutely, entirely dependent on your relationship with them. If they’re your best friend from high school that you speak with everyday and are a godmother to their first born probably implies a different route than your best friend from high school whom you haven’t seen since graduation. You’ll figure it out. Do what you think is best for your friend and that’ll absolutely be the right decision.

If you are really close, go see him. Tell him what he means to you. Remind him of all the things that made you two great friends. It's all about the love.

Sorry to hear...that being said, if I was in your shoes, I would throw him a party, bring him a bunch of weed, and help him enjoy his time

My late wife enjoyed the "limited" company until the day she died. It took her mind off her problems and she loved her friends. 
 

I would go bc I agree with others who said he may feel it is an imposition and didn’t want to ask, but respect that he may not want to see you when you are there and that’s ok.  If that is the case, you can be helpful - offer to help the family with anything they need.

I’m really sorry, Wendyk5 - for your friend and for you.  Leukemia claimed my sweet father in law and our dear cousin at 41.  Cancer can just f off.  

My uncle died a few years ago from cancer. His kidneys failed. I didn't visit him that first night when I got the news. I figured that I would see him the next afternoon. He went fast and I never got to see him or talk to him again. Not being able to see him one last time and tell him that I loved him hurts to this day. Some people don't want to burden others when things go bad and maybe your friend feels this way. I would go if I were you. Laugh, cry, and love your final moments with your friend. Don't second guess it.

First of all I am sorry for your impending loss Wendyk5.

Second of all I am pretty shocked at the amount of people advising you to completely ignore a dying friends wishes. That seems awfully selfish to me regardless of how well intentioned it may be. Respect your friend and don’t go. 

I'd drop in, with the other friend, by surprise. He doesn't want you to see him like this. But you probably understand what he will look like, and care about him anyway. I would say, I understood what you will look like, but I still wanted to be here.

Hi Wendy,

Going to visit when your friend has explicitly said that he does not want visitors would be disrespectful and making it more about you than respecting his wishes.  It certainly makes it tough but do whatever you can from afar to offer support.  I hope you both find strength and comfort through this tough time.

You go visit. You'll never regret it if you go. You'll only regret it if you don't go.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both. If he does pass, I hope he has peace, and that you have support to help get you through the grieving process.

I am so sorry, Wendy. This is extremely difficult, I know. 

My $0.02....

Ask yourself why you want to be there; for his sake, or yours? Only you know the answer; in my experience, guilt and regret are powerful motivation. Those should not be the deciding factors.

Perhaps ask him what he would like you to do to on his behalf to honor your years of friendship. Your own actions in his name will keep his memory alive for you and others, and be a positive entry on Life’s ledger. A friend of mine started a foundation in her late brother’s memory after he was killed in Iraq. You don’t have to do something that profound, but even a little thing can make a big difference for both of you, and it will help you better deal with your sense of loss.

One of my favorite songs is "Give me my Flowers" by Terry Allen. It depends how close you are with him. My father passed away a little less than two years ago. My uncle called me two weeks before he died and said "If you want to see your father alive, you'd better get out here". I do not regret it and am so very thankful to have seen him, even in such a deteriorated state, before he passed. 

Will you give me my flowers
While I'm livin
And let me enjoy them
While I can
Don't wait til I'm ready
To be buried
And then slip some lilies
In my hand

From someone that has seen it more than once, please go. 

Both sides will appreciate it regardless what is said now. 

When my father was dying of pancreatic cancer, he didn't let his minister visit him in the hospital until a week before his death.  (And then during the visit, he told the pastor to continue dieting and exercising, but anyway . . . .)  FWIW, I would have been furious if the minister had not honored my father's wishes and had gone to see him in violation of the explicit "no" that Dad stated. 

Your friend might change his mind; in the meantime, maybe send cards, texts, video messages, or whatnot.  (I mention video because chances are that he'd be cheered by "seeing" you, even if he currently doesn't want you to see him.)  And keep in mind that a prognosis isn't always the way things actually work out.  And, yes, "Fu** Cancer."

I tend not to post on these boards, but as a physician and someone who has lost someone to cancer I felt the need to. First of, in my opinion I would go and visit your friend, you never want to be racked with guilt about wishing that you could see them one more time. Cancer is a horrible and debilitating disease, especially at the end stages, it is understandable why your friend does not want you to see him like that. I think that if you were to let them know that you were coming they would appreciate it. I know that when my father died of cancer people were visiting him at all hours of the day, it was a comfort to him and to our family. I know this is anecdotal, so you will have to use your best judgement. 

Second...to the people posting random medial advise please stop. It is incorrect, irresponsible, and potentially dangerous. If a water diet could cure cancer, then more people would be on a water diet. Things that show promise in animal models, and limited human trials are often not reproducible when applied to the general public. 

Good luck, I hope that your friend does not suffer too much. 

Well, this brings up bad memories, but I'll join the conversation, anyway.

If your friend doesn't want visitors, he doesn't want visitors. A lot of times, when animals are ready to die, they go off by themselves and die alone. Humans have a hard time doing that, because we like to sleep in beds and drink water and we don't have fur. If your friend wants to be alone without others around, I think it's totally acceptable. 

He knows you care. At this point there's nothing more you can do except pray (if you're into that sort of thing).

I might also take into consideration the level of support he’s getting from family and maybe friends in the area. If he isn’t alone and wants to limit those that see him that way, then it seems like you sort of have to respect his request. On the other hand, if you get the sense that he is mostly alone in this, then I’d be tempted to get on a plane and make sure he knows he isn’t alone. 

Lots of advice on this thread, but I agree with those that say it comes down to what he really needs and your relationship. 

I'm generally with "Team Respect His Wishes," but if you decide to go, bring eyeshades you can put on outside his room and then get escorted in wearing them. That way you can pull the ol' "you said I couldn't see you like this, so I'm not seeing you."  /lawyering

Also, with only a few days left, he just have too many demands from people who want to see him, and at this point he may only want uninterrupted time with family. "I don't want you to see me like this" may just be a polite excuse.

This isn't about me but I'm a former hospice social worker and a current oncology social worker.  I only mention it for reference with regards to my advice.  Any feelings you have afterwards will be yours and only yours.  You mentioned that you don't have a relationship with his family so there is no issue there.  We should all be trying to think about what the patient's wishes are in a time like this.  As he has asked you to not come I'd say respecting his wishes is paramount.  You can send him daily texts like "thinking of you" or even something more personal based upon your relationship.  If he responds then it means he is likely enjoying the interaction.  If he doesn't it might simply mean he doesn't have the energy.  Either way, this should be about what he wants at such a difficult time in his life.  Visits over 30 minutes can be exhausting for people in the end stage of their lives.  We always want to "do" things for people because it gives us some purpose but we used to talk about while working for hospice we provided the "Ministry of Presence".  We don't actually need to say or do anything to make someone feel better.  Often times simply being there (or sending a note or text) is all the person really needs or wants.  I hope this was somewhat helpful

go see him.... he is gonna say that because hes embarassed in sense and doesnt want to put you out... my dad did this to me, swore to me not to go visit him after stroke.... i almost didn't.  you'll be glad you did.

Absolutely you should go. Sounds like there will not be another chance to see him and you don’t want to be left thinking 2 weeks from now that you wish you did go.

Experienced both to some extent and it is a difficult decision.  My grandmother had terminal cancer and passed away five minutes before I walked through the door. Even though I got to talk to her briefly on the phone while driving I was devastated. 

The chemo treatment I had before my bone marrow transplant wiped me out and I asked everyone to stay away for a couple days.  I was thankful they did because I was exhausted and always felt obligated to be talkative when visitors were there.

As difficult as it may be for you, I  would honor your friends wishes. Keep texting to stay in contact and be there for the family when the time comes.

"never read the comments" are the truest words ever.