About Last Week

Barron

You come at the king, you best not miss.

The Road Ahead

Michigan State (6-0, 3-0 B1G)

Last week: Won at Rutgers, 31-13

Recap: Michigan State continued their…

Wait, Michigan State shouldn’t be first.

Really? We go in chronological order, and they’re Michigan’s next opponent.

Check again.

Okay, but this is a waste of time, but I’ll double-check the sched… oh.

Yeah.

Well this is embarrassing.

But understandable.

Right?

Northwestern (2-3, 0-2 B1G)

Last week: Bye

Recap: No recap. Bye. Also, Northwestern. So, two reasons.

This team is as frightening as: The character in the horror movie who you eliminate as possibly being the demented killer clown after he very clearly and graphically gets thrown into the wood chipper seven minutes into the movie. Like, if that’s the surprise twist, fine… but it wouldn’t make the slightest damn bit of sense.  Fear Level = 3

Michigan should worry about: Michigan doesn’t need to worry about the possibility that they’re looking past Northwestern. Because it isn’t a “chance.” They are 100% looking past Northwestern. The goal is to not look TOO far past Northwestern. Like, yes, falling down the stairs is the bigger problem, but don’t completely overlook the Legos strewn about the hallway at the top of the stairs.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Ryan Hilinski has replaced Hunter Johnson’s 5.7 yards per attempt, 4 TDs and 4 INTs with… 5.7 yards per attempt, 1 TD, and 0 INTs.

I don’t know what that says, but I am pretty sure if Papa Doc had called B-Rabbit “boring Hunter Johnson” at the end of 8 Mile, he would have won.

You know, we just tried to stay within the offense and take what the defense gave us out there. Unfortunately, once we were down 28-0 and Wink slept with my girlfriend, it got away from us a little bit there.

When they play Michigan: Repeat after me:

Next game: vs. Rutgers, noon, BTN (Pick ‘em)

[AFTER THE JUMP: Okay, NOW it’s them.]

Michigan State (6-0, 3-0 B1G)

Last week: Won at Rutgers, 31-13

Recap: Chaos Years in college football are broadly fun but specifically disquieting. They require you to incorporate disparate pieces of information in a manner that challenges your preconceived notions. It’s an exercise in cognitive dissonance. You have to accept things like “Kentucky and Wake Forest are good.” You just have to roll with it.

But while I was perfectly willing to accept, “Michigan State is good” as an unlikely but plausible state of affairs, I am struggling with the idea that Michigan State is good because they are one of the most explosive goddang teams in the country. No sir. That is a bridge too far.

Michigan State is #4 in the nation in offensive yards per play (7.4), and they lead the country with 9 plays of 60+ yards on the season (5 passes, 2 runs, and 2 punt returns). This week, it was Jalen Nailor with touchdown catches of 63, 63, and 65 yards, as well as a 94 yard run from Kenneth Walker III.

This team is as frightening as: Your younger twin brother who, despite being approximately your same age and size, still has a huge inferiority complex about being the younger brother. And who you, despite knowing what can happen, can’t restrain yourself from antagonizing to the point where he will try to hit you over the head with a folding chair. Fear Level = 8.5

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Michigan State’s defense has been on the field a LOT in the first six games. Their opponents are averaging nearly 83 offensive plays per game.

Michigan should worry about: You know what’s really good for a defense that has been on the field a lot? Having a bye week immediately before your biggest game of the season.

When they play Michigan: Listen, we’re taking this one game at a time. In the Big Ten, you have to take every opponent seriously. There are no gimmies. And this week we’re completely focused on Purdue.

…you mean Northwestern.

DAMMIT.

Next game: @ Indiana, noon, FS1 (MSU -3)

 

Indiana (2-3, 0-2 B1G)

Last week: Bye

Recap: No recap. Bye.

This team is as frightening as: A root canal. Not fun and probably painful, but ultimately not a huge amount of risk. Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about: They probably played #4 Cincinnati closer than any of Cincinnati’s other opponents, including Notre Dame.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: The last two weeks have shown the importance of quality quarterback play if you’re going to beat Michigan. And for Indiana… yeah that might be a problem.

When they play Michigan: I have confidence that Indiana can still make this game quite stupid.

Next game: vs. Michigan State, noon, FS1 (IU +3)

Penn State (5-1, 2-1 B1G)

Last week: Lost at Iowa, 23-20

Recap: The thousand injuries Corntressor had borne as it best he could, but when Penn State ventured upon insult, he vowed revenge. 

“Follow me into the Kinnickcombs, Penn State. I have a cask of a fine vintage of special Fireball for you to taste,” urged Corntressor. And Penn State agreed to follow, for Penn State was particularly fond of Fireball. All seemed to be going well; the atmosphere was festive, and for the first quarter of the journey, nothing seemed amiss. They waved a greeting to some local children. Corntressor even flattered Penn State, allowing it to score some points, as if to prove no foul play was afoot.

As they reached the depths of the Kinnickcombs, Penn State should have been alarmed by the piles of bones of the previous visitors to the area, but remained blithely unaware of its fate. Corntressor indicated for Penn State to enter a small room where the Fireball was kept, and Penn State willingly – almost eagerly – obliged. Corntressor then sprung his subtle but ingenious trap, deftly cracking Penn State across the kneecap repeatedly with a tire iron. He then spent the next two hours slowly, brick by brick, immuring Penn State behind a stout masonry wall.

As Corntressor sealed up the final row, Penn State cried out, “FOR THE LOVE OF THE BIG TEN, CORNTRESSOR.” To which Corntressor replied, “Indeed. For the love of the Big Ten.”

In Rotel requiescat, Penn State.

This team is as frightening as: A team capable of defeating other football teams at football, but not capable of defeating the evil magicians with stupid turnover magic. Fear Level = 8 with Clifford, 5 without Clifford.

Michigan should worry about: Penn State was well on their way to beating the #3 team in the country (lol) on the road before they lost Sean Clifford, even after losing PJ Mustipher and several other key contributors to injury.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: The drop-off without Sean Clifford is, from all early indications, precipitous. Ta’Quan Roberson was 7-21 for 34 yards and 2 picks after Clifford left the game. Sure, Roberson was placed in an impossible situation against Iowa. But he was only 3 of 5 for 28 yards against Villanova two weeks ago in his only other extended action, with his 3 completions being 2 wide receiver screens and one zero-route completed at the line of scrimmage.

When they play Michigan: Tell me how Clifford is feeling, and I’ll tell you how I feel.

Next game: Bye

 

Maryland (4-2, 1-2 B1G)

Last week: Lost at Ohio State, 66-17

West African Mud Turtle has *SEEN* some stuff, you know?

Recap: Let’s look on the positive side here. A week after trailing by 27 points at halftime, Maryland managed to keep the halftime deficit to 25 points this week. They have held a lead in every game they’ve played this year, including a 3-point lead deep into the middle of the first quarter against Ohio State. Taulia Tagovialoa threw for 279 yards at 7.2 yards per throw, completing more passes than Ohio State’s entire quarterback depth chart (28 vs 26). Challen Faamatau, a person I have definitely heard of and that I’m surprised you’ve never heard of, rushed for 7.2 yards per carry. Some things worked.

So they’ve got that going for them.

This team is as frightening as: A boxer with a decent jab, an above-average right hook, and some pretty good footwork, but who has a bad tendency to drop his guard, close his eyes, and say “please hit me in the face” once he gets into the middle rounds. Fear Level = 3

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Maryland’s wide receiver depth took another blow as Jeshaun Jones was carted off the field early in the game.

Michigan should worry about: These last two thumpings came at the hands of the #2 and #6 teams in the country. They can’t be THIS bad.

When they play Michigan: Maryland will be coming off games against Penn State and Michigan State. It’s hard to see the Terps holding things together that long.

Next game: Bye

Ohio State (5-1, 3-0 B1G)

Last week: Beat Maryland, 66-17

Recap: CJ Stroud threw for 406 yards and 5 TDs at 12.3 yards per attempt. Yes, Maryland’s secondary is statistically the 3rd worst in the conference, and was already depleted by injury. And yes, this is October Maryland, which ages about as gracefully as a person on that beach that makes you old in that movie about the beach that makes you old. But that is still a lot of a lot.

Meanwhile, in the four games since the Oregon loss, the run defense is allowing 2.3 yards per carry (3.9 yards per carry after adjusting for sacks) and hasn’t allowed a single rushing touchdown. Overall, after allowing 6.1 yards per play in the first three weeks, Ohio State has allowed only 4.1 in the last three weeks despite a LOT of garbage time.

The “this team is suddenly vulnerable” theories are starting to have as much credibility as Urban Meyer’s explanation of literally any event ever.

This team is as frightening as: please just let us have this one okay Fear Level = 10

Michigan should worry about: Oh also they still have TreVeyon Henderson, who is averaging 8.7 yards per carry.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: There are not currently any large Near-Earth Objects expected to crash into the surface in the next few years.

When they play Michigan: /looks up longingly at the sky

Next game: Bye

 

Objects in the Rearview Mirror

Western Michigan (4-2, 1-1 MAC)

Last week: Lost to Ball State, 45-20

Sad but still obligatory

Recap: Western had been very careful with the football in the first 5 weeks, losing only 2 turnovers. But after opening the season by throwing 9 touchdown passes without a single interception, Kaleb Eleby threw 2 picks to Ball State. Overall the Broncos turned the ball over 4 times, each of them in their own territory, and each leading to a touchdown. Western outgained Ball State, but the turnovers allowed the Cardinals to rip off 28 straight points to end the game.

Next game: vs. Kent State, 3:30 p.m., ESPNU (WMU -7)

Washington (2-3, 1-1 Pac-12)

Last week: Bye

Recap: No recap. Bye.

Next game: vs. UCLA, 8:30 p.m., FOX (UW -1)

 

Northern Illinois (4-2, 2-0 MAC)

Last week: Won at Toledo, 22-20

Recap: Michigan’s flagship non-conference win continues to age well, as the Huskies kicked a game-winning field goal ⁠— one of five FGs on the day ⁠— with 26 seconds left to win their 4th game on the season. The win also made winners of those who bet the over on total NIU wins on the year, which was set at 3.5.

Rocky Lombardi threw for 154 yards at 6.4 yards per attempt with no TDs and 1 INT in his best statistical outing against an FBS team since the opener against Georgia Tech.

Next game: vs. Bowling Green, 3:30 p.m., ESPN+ (NIU -10)

 

Rutgers (3-3, 0-3 B1G)

Last week: Lost to Michigan State, 31-13

Henry Rutgers

Recap: “Poor man’s Nebraska” isn’t quite as cutting as “boring Hunter Johnson,” but it’s not far off. Rutgers hung with Michigan State for the most part, but couldn’t stop giving up massive back-breaking explosive plays on defense, and they couldn’t cash in on their scoring chances on offense. After they scored a touchdown on their opening drive, they left a bunch of meat on the bone:

• They had a 1st and goal from the 7 but kicked a field goal.
• They recovered a fumble on the MSU 13 but kicked a field goal.
• They reached the MSU 6 but turned the ball over on downs
• They reached the MSU 24 before turning the ball over on downs.

Defensively they surrendered 588 total yards, including the above-mentioned Peak Steroid Barry Bonds moonshots.

Next game: @ Northwestern, noon, BTN

Wisconsin (4-3, 2-2 B1G)

Last week: Won at Illinois, 24-0

Recap: Just a smothering. Wisconsin outgained Illinois 491 to 93. They outrushed Illinois 391 to 26, with the Illini only avoiding a Rushing Rutger with a furious, heroic final drive effort (5 yards on 3 carries). They gained 30 first downs to Illinois’ 9. Art Sitkowski and Brandon Peters combined for a 11/34, 67 yard (2.0 YPA) effort. They didn’t cross midfield until their final drive. It was bad.

On the other hand, Graham Mertz remains a shattered husk, devoid of the slightest signs of life. Like one of those empty exoskeletons cicadas leave; it looks like the thing you think it is supposed to be, but upon closer inspection you quickly realize, “oh, yeah, no, that isn’t it.” Illinois entered the game dead last in the Big Ten in pass defense, allowing 8.3 YPA and 11 TDs. Graham Mertz managed to throw for 5.3 YPA and 0 TDs.

Now Wisconsin plays Army. I cannot stress to you how much you should not watch Wisconsin play Army.

Next game: vs. Army, 8:00 p.m., BTN (UW -13)