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The Question, which Raj already went and answered but then ignored our Slack buzzing because it was "2:30 in the morning here:"

watch Gigli to better familiarize yourself with trash https://t.co/6BuIqj8FwC

— raj (@internetraj) October 17, 2018

We're rephrasing this to the movie you watch before each of Michigan's upcoming opponents.

The Responses (except Raj's because he sleeps sometimes):

1. MICHIGAN STATE

Adam: Mad Max: Fury Road for that dystopian Spartan Stadium vibe

Seth: L.A. Confidential is a film about three cops who each have their own "brand of justice" (spoiler: none of them actually believe in justice). There's the one who'll do anything to rise up the ranks of his profession (Guy Pearce), the one who loves the spotlight (Kevin Spacey), and the thug (Russell Crowe). They have terrible chemistry, but together they still manage to make Kim Basinger feel really uncomfortable, discover the legendary cop who trained them was dirty, and go around busting up potlucks and punching people in the face while cracking racist and homophobic jokes. But don't worry it's all okay because in the end they shoot the bad guy and the LAPD covers everything up so people will think they were heroes.

BiSB: Breaking Bad, Season 5

He can't keep getting away with it.

Smoothitron: Blues Brothers 2000: It's a lot of the same faces as last time but nowhere near as good, numerous laws are broken throughout, it features an entire musical number where a character demands respect and no one takes them seriously, and they shoehorn in a rampaging racist at the last minute in a feeble attempt to emulate a better product that's long gone.

Reschke going pro in something other than sports

Brian: This is almost too obvious, but 300 is perfect. Everyone's screaming incoherent bro-garbage the whole time, the whole movie is about a bunch of guys getting pointlessly slaughtered in a futile attempt to show the Persians who the real big brother is, and Xerxes comes down off his throne and is... uh... big brother.

Also a bunch of MSU fans going "HOO HOO HOO" after being asked what their profession is is too perfect. Yeah, I got my degree in Hoo Hoo Hoo, now let's go find a job awwwwww nevermind.

[after THE JUMP: the rest of the year in Netflix queue]

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2. PENN STATE

Brian: WEEKEND AT BERNIES. You know why.

Seth: Don Cobb from Inception is a terrible boss. A shameless self-promoter, he sells a too-complex-to-explain-to-you product that involves infiltrating and manipulating dreams. For this endeavor he has recruited a crack team, the best of the best. And if he would just let them do their jobs they could probably accomplish incredible feats. But Don is so convinced of his own genius that he has to lead and make all the decisions, despite the fact that those decisions are all insane and every mission he goes on has to deal with trains outta nowhere and stuff because of him. Also when he screws everything up he tends to yell at strangers.

Adam: The Office’s Michael Scott thinks he’s the world’s best boss. He even bought himself the mug at Spencer Gifts to prove it. Michael is likeable by way of charisma and enthusiasm, but the problem is he’s just not very good at his job. Oh he cares, that’s for sure. He cares about people. He cares about people caring about him. He’s just not good at the thing his employer employs him to do. Michael doesn’t know what to do with the budget surplus. Michael doesn’t know which healthcare plan to pick for the staff. Michael creates a promotion that almost bankrupts the company. Michael calls two timeouts and runs on 4th and 5.

Smoothitron: 1986's Pirates was highly anticipated adventure film originally set to star Jack Nicholson, but like Saquon Barkley, Nicholson preferred projects that would pay him commensurate with his abilities and bailed. Walter Matthau was attached, and like Trace McSorley, isn't quite capable of pulling it off by himself. After a substantial delay due to issues with the director, Pirates went into production, and despite high expectations was an embarrassing disappointment.

3. RUTGER

Adam: Tom Haverford playing basketball captures Rutger football perfectly. It's not a movie, sure, but it feels appropriate to spend 41 seconds on them.

Seth: I think An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. Not only did this movie try to shoehorn a classic 1800s coming to America story into a completely different genre, but they only made it in the first place as a vehicle to launch a failed children's cable program.

(pssst I hear there are no cats in the AAC)

Smoothitron: Every ten years a miserable Fantastic Four movie comes out in a misguided attempt at maintaining ownership of what are inexplicably perceived as lucrative franchise film rights. The first attempt was in 1994, which means the Fantastic Four franchise actually predates most of today's more successful superhero franchises, but that product was so embarrassing it never saw the light of day.

Rutgers, while similarly embarrassing, continues unabated.

slackbot: I think you mean Rutger

Brian: The Room. Legendarily bad, so much so that it's acquired a cult following. What's more Rutgers than turning on a 2/16, 4 INT performance out of morbid curiosity? Michigan's third-string fullback dive touchdown in the 78-0 game has the same kind of cultural currency as "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA." I would watch that game at a midnight showing as a sort of comedy. This is every Rutgers coach about 18 months into the job:

slackbot: I think you mean Rutger

4. INDIANA

Adam: Remember how Tom Hanks' character in Big was like, "aw man, I wish I was big" and then the fortune teller made him big and he was like "woo, I'm big now" and then he realized that being an adult sucks and he was all "wow, this was a terrible idea what was I even thinking" and he wishes to be a kid again? Indiana football in the DeBord era, ladies and gentlemen.

Smoothitron: Air Bud, because while there is nothing in the rulebook that says Indiana can't play football, it almost never actually works. Everyone there would rather be watching basketball anyway.

Seth: Shrek Forever After. The transformation from edgy iconoclast that remains fun and engaging while laying waste to Disney tropes to completely non entertaining retread that doesn't quite know or understand why we liked these characters in the first place is complete.

BiSB: Indiana is Raiders of the Lost Ark. Explosions, chase scenes, nonsensical plot twists, hilarious plot holes, and peoples’ faces just melting from some sort of angry divine vengeance... but then you sit back at the end of the season and realize that, like Indiana’s impact on the Big Ten race, despite all of the chaos nothing Indiana Jones did had any impact on the outcome of the main plot conflict.

Seth: That was old Indiana. Lately they just sit around worrying about Communists and barely escaped a colony of red ants.

Brian: Speed 2: Cruise Control. The mind numbing sequel to a frenetic, fun, not-that-great movie about having to go fast literally all the time. The sequel is on a damn boat. If that's not a Mike DeBord metaphor I don't know what is.

Seth: Okay that is perfect.

5. OHIO STATE

Brian: Memento. You know why.

Smoothitron: Something currently in theatrical release because screens are going to be big.

Seth: Avengers Infinity War. An endless cast of A-list characters and they somehow find time to feature them all. Everything else is just a lead up to the MCU movie to end all MCU movies. But the Age of Ultron ended and now there are a bunch of new characters to cram in and a giant new bad guy who's obsessed with a glove. It will be an awesome spectacle that makes your brain hurt and won't be understood unless you spend 100 years studying the movies before this movie.

And when this giant new movie which is the most movie to ever movie is over, it will just be a prelude to the next giant new movie which has even more movie packed into the movie.

Adam: I was going to say the same thing. Also same reasons, but one that's more cynical as well.

Seth: What's that?

Adam: Thanos wins. He always wins. That's just how the Marvel Universe works.