The Hot Take: Horses Should Play The Other Football, Which Is Soccer Comment Count

Brian May 1st, 2013 at 4:01 PM



O reader, I bring to you a topic of great significance. The blogosphere has been riven by controversy after a horse tried to play football on twitter. Should horses play football on twitter? Should horses not play football on twitter? This is the great modern give-and-take of discourse. This is the First Amendment. This is America.

The Anti-Horse Alliance is led by one Adam Jacobi, an Iowan who loathes all hooved mammals you cannot eat. I must agree that a thousand pounds of lovely-seeming meat just, like, composted or whatever is a waste and is hateful. In addition, he says the idea of horses playing football is anathema. He has many fine reasons for this take.

Horses can't understand football. Horses aren't completely stupid, and their skills at dressage lead me to believe that an end zone celebration involving a horse hot-steppingcould be PHENOMENAL, but football is a very complicated sport with rules and regulations governing virtually everything, and I just can't imagine that a horse would be able to abide by the rules of the line of scrimmage and the snap. False start penalties everywhere, even for just a twitch of the tail. "Set" means "set," horsie.

And so forth and so on.

The Coalition of the Horse Willing counts the esteemed Spencer Hall in their ranks.

Horses can qualify academically in the NCAA. Provided they get a learning disabled qualification, a horse should be able to stay eligible at several SEC schools. Auburn and Ole Miss come to mind first, but let's not single out those schools alone, but yes, mainly Auburn and Ole Miss. Horses may also succeed--neigh! even thrive!--at the C-USA, Sun Belt, and MAC level.

I fear that both these men have missed the mark on the original question so badly that they have embarrassed themselves in the manner of a 50-year-old white Christian male who demands credit for such, also on twitter. They will live down their shame in time.

That shame: by debating whether or not horses should play football they fail to ask the question "what sport should horses play?" Football is an ill fit. Basketball is preposterous, hockey promising but problematic, track and field faintly ridiculous, and horse racing completely out of the question. It's obvious, though. It's right in front of your face, and thus two or three feet below a horse's face.

Horses should play soccer.

THEY HAVE MORE FEET. More feet equals more skill. Leo Messi in fact has a foot that branches just below the ankle into ten toe-sized feet. Horses cannot match this, but with four feet they have double that of the average American, and are therefore twice as good at soccer than said average American, four times better than many World War I veterans, and eight times better than Robbie Findley.

PREHENSILE LIMBS NOT REQUIRED HERE. The McDonalds inside of which horses play soccer beautifully has a sign outside that says "NO SHIRT NO SHOES NO FINGERS NO PROBLEM."

HORSES CAN UNDERSTAND SOCCER. It's mostly a matter of booting a ball around without whistles and the like. Much simpler than football. Also, horses came from Europe! QED.

While I think a horse hockey team would be pretty good since the goalie would occupy the entire net, you'd probably have to shoot it. I digress.

TURNING HORSE ANKLES INTO A MIST OF TENDONS AND DEATH IS SANCTIONED IN SOCCER. In football, exploding someone's ankle is not a penalizable offense except in certain situations. Anyone turning a leg into a spray of horror gristle in soccer is generally shown a red card. The tendency of horse legs to fall off with little provocation is an asset to the team, if not the horse in particular. Go team.

SOCCER DEVELOPMENTAL PROGRESS GENERALLY AVOIDS THE NCAA. Horses do not have to take tests to sign with Liverpool or whatever.

POOPING ON THE FIELD IS PROBABLY STILL NOT GOOD. But they do play on actual grass. The cost savings. Think of them.

AMERICA CAN USE THEIR ATHLETES ON AMERICAN SPORTS. Horses are a great untapped resource in our race to dominate the globe's favorite sport, allowing us to  both have LeBron James and LeHorse Soccer.


This is the First Amendment, that I can say that horses playing football is a terrible idea… unless it's the other football.

"Don't tread on me"

–Horse America.

See you at the World Cup final. Bring carbonated oats, baby.



May 1st, 2013 at 4:12 PM ^

Except with horses?

Man. I have work on the nicest day of the year so far and all of a sudden I miss out on an entire horse takeover. I knew I should have called off today. Or at least check other websites than mgoblog.


May 1st, 2013 at 6:31 PM ^

You bring up a good point.  Have you ever seen a horse flop during a soccer game?  Has anyone?  No, nobody has.  Because. They. Just. Don't. Do. It.  The deterrent is too strong.

This needs to be extended to humans by FIFA.  You flop more than once during a match, you are put down.  Euthanized right there on the pitch.  Keep the game moving.




May 1st, 2013 at 8:35 PM ^

Have you ever seen how they euthanize horses on the track?  Takes a hell of a long time (they bring out this canopy so spectators can't actually see the killing.)  Start euthanizing floppers in soccer, and matches will start rivalling cricket in length.


May 1st, 2013 at 4:39 PM ^

1. An explanation (or a guess at one): Many ridiculous things have been said on the internet and elsewhere regarding certain news from this week (See Collins, Jason and reaction from many: see Brando, Tim, 50, white and Christian). This post, especially it's clamoring about the first amendment, is an outrageous thing on the internet. Just because you have a right to your opinion, and the right to say your opinion (the first amendment) doesn't mean that others can't say "your opinion is stupid" (horses can/can't play football) or that your ridiculous assertion can be right. The first amendment gives you the right to free speech, and it gives others the right to ridicule your speech. This is not often widely grasped.

2. Hooray offseason!

3. Since cars can play rugby, horses could definitely play soccer

The FannMan

May 1st, 2013 at 4:36 PM ^

Marijuana legalizaton went into effect today I guess.  Not sure how I missed that one.

Someone get Brian some chips, or pretzels or something.


May 1st, 2013 at 4:50 PM ^

And gentlemen, please feel free to root against Pitino's horse:  Goldencents

There will be no refs at Churchill Downs bailing this horse out of an empty gas tank at the mile and 1/16th pole.  

Sorry Rick, your horse is going down!  Study up fellas, for the next few days it's all derby, trifectas, superfectas, boxes and wheels.   


May 1st, 2013 at 6:37 PM ^

But here is a fun exercise...

Let's say hat the B1G shares some commonalities with the houses of Game of Thrones.

Michigan would obviously be house Stark. Honor and Duty and whatnot.
OSU would obviously be the Lannisters...
MSU though...My first thought was Theon Greyjoy...but then...Going to State is like "Taking the Black" in that they sweep the dungeons and tavern floors for those able to lift a sword...
Kirk Ferentz screams Stannis Barathian to me...Don't know if there's a Renly...

Anyone have any thoughts?


May 2nd, 2013 at 1:05 AM ^

Daenerys has got more thana little fergodssakes in her...but in terms of returning to power from exile...maybe Nebraska?

Northwestern is kind of a Renly in that everyone kind of likes them and likes to hang out in his digs, but ultimately they rarely actually do anything...

I'm thinking the others=the SEC...

Maryland/Rutgers could battle it out for the Iron Islands I suppose...Although it could be said that they offer only the empty vaults of Qarth.


May 1st, 2013 at 7:12 PM ^

am I the only one who is really sad that Seth's awesome diagram-filled football post of awesomeness has been bumped further down the main page by, well, whatever this is?  

snarling wolverine

May 1st, 2013 at 8:03 PM ^

The Anti-Horse Alliance is led by one Adam Jacobi, an Iowan who loathes all hooved mammals you cannot eat.

Many cultures (including some in Europe) do, in fact, eat horse.