OT: The path not taken. A thread for reflection and regrets
Lately I've been thinking about a few decisions in my life that led me to where I am today.
Is there a single event or decision that changed your life, for good or bad, which sticks out in your memory? Did you make the right decision? If you had to do it over again would you turn left instead of right?
I've made too many mistakes to count, but my biggest regret is my choice of career. I was a pretty good DJ (radio, not unce unce unce) and lately I've been thinking I should have stuck with it instead of selling my soul to a bank.
Is what I'm struggling with. I'm not happy. My wife isn't happy. I have one kid about to start preschool and another going to college in 2017. I'd love to have more kids, but my wife doesn't (and she's not great at being a parent anyway).
Really the only things that are keeping me where I am are religion (Catholic, no divorce) and not wanting to risk losing custody of my son. More so the latter than the former.
I'm terrified that 10 years will pass and nothing will have changed.
/also compliance is boring as fuck, but at least it's stable.
Changing jobs isn't going to improve your domestic life. If you two aren't happy in life, there are ways to improve that. Your family can yet be a source of joy and satisfaction.
It's easy for me to say, of course. But it is possible.
But when one of the parties in a marriage is bi-polar that changes things significantly.
I was in the exact same boat as you for 20 years. She's doing the meds and all has been good for the past 5 years.
It adds to the difficulty, yes. I counsel marriages with those sorts of situations.
But it is not impossible.
That said, it is obviously impossible for me to give truly helpful advice, since I know nothing about you or your family. No rudeness understood in your detailing of areas in which I lack knowledge.
Bi-polar is tough, but often controllable with meds. But, there may be some other underlying things that need to be surfaced. A good counselor might help you work through that stuff. Good luck.
It either doesn't work or the side effects are so awful that she stops taking it. The only thing that has helped is intranasal ketamine, but that only lasts a day or two. If the infusions weren't $1k per pop we might try that. Hell, I may just bite the bullet and have her try it anyway.
So true.... was not married, but could have seen that happening down the line. Wow, 2 years latter and I'm still trying to put my life together as I was supporting my other to my own neglect. No one has any idea how hard being in a releationship with someone that is bipolar is. Rapid cycler... every two weeks. 3 days of "mania" angry and irritable then 3 days of despondency then about a week with the one you fell in love with. Couldn't bring them up, was going down with them. 2 years later, and they have just added another medication to an already long list of medications. Hatter, I feel for you... best to you.
The one thing is, I have absolutely no regrets.... I gave everything I could and more to make it work, it was only until I was coming up for air yet again that I felt if I went under again I wasn't coming up that I felt I had to cut the line.... and for this I will always be thankful that I don't have to look back and say to myself is there something more that I could have done.
And thankfully, we are still friends... as my efforts apparently did not go un-noticed/appreciated.
I disagree, changing jobs can improve your domestic life. I had a sales job with extreme pressure (much of it self applied). I'd come home and be physically sick. I know when the job is going well I'm happier and life is better.
I started a side business on eBay just for fun, did not really need the money but like the challenge. I'd see if you can find something that is better or try something on the side that is fun and fulfilling. hard to do with time pressure I know.
I also find making things with my hands helps with a sense of accomplishment when my job is mostly words and paper. So I do a lot of DIY projects furniture and such for a visible sense of accomplishment.
Or something else you and your wife can do together? My wife and I started going to the range together. She calls it 'gunning'. Works for me. Also, I now know to decline a gunfight with her.
In the next year we will be looking for some rural property to purchase and spend weekends there building a vacation home.
A project like a vacation home or something like it could be a shared goal and that could help.
Well stated and a good kick in the groin for me to be more cognizant of spousal acts of affection. The kids dominate our lives right now, but more frequent small acts of kindness are a priceless antidote.
Smart choice. And loving your wife is one of the best things you can do for your kids.
Hits home here too.
I have two young kids and my wife wants at least one more, but I'm not so sure we can afford it. It's likely that we will be arguing about it until we have another kid or I get the snip. Religion isn't something we discuss on this board, so I'll just say your situation is something I cannot relate to. Granted, I'm not considering divorce, but if my love for my wife ceased to exist I would have less to worry about sin-wise than you. Not to get too personal, (I don't think you would mind if I did) but have you two attemped any sort of counseling?
Maybe get back into music, man. There are a variety of ways to get into music-based conversations here during OT season and other places. There's a "follow" feature on Spotify where you can create playlists and listen to other people's stuff. If you play an instrument, do it more/get a new or different one and find people to jam with. I'm convinced it's at least partially what keeps me from alcoholism.
Wouldn't work for us. Our relationship dynamic is somewhat unconventional and has been from the beginning.
But thanks for the advice and words of encouragement everyone. It helps.
Having been through difficult times where there was nothing that could be done to change the situation, the only thing I would pass on by way of encouragement would be to make sure you have people around you that you trust for support. For me, it took three guys: one who agreed with every pissed off thing that came out of my mouth and took my side on everything; one that helped me keep perspective and focusing on what I really wanted despite the anger; and a third who cared about me and my wife's relationship above everything else.
Hang in there sir.
Look into the music though, seriously. If you're not into playing an instrument, a couple puffs/beverages combined with new (to you) music and some high quality headphones can have a positive impact. Works for me.
I'm pretty sure the best advice I ever received in pre-cana was from a couple that had been married 65 years (TLDR warning).
Always make your spouse your primary focus. Always. Extended family, kids, friends all come in second place to this person you've committed to. It shows when you don't whether you realize it or not.
Have a 'thing', and commit to doing/using that thing as a constant reminder of your love for each other. Their 'thing' was a tube of toothpaste that he always left on the counter which would drive her nuts (Put it away!). Finally one day she got so sick of him leaving it on the counter she stuck it in his sock drawer. The next morning when he went to grab socks for work, there it was, a tube of toothpaste sitting on top of his socks. He laughed and took the tube out of the drawer. Several months later she was in her car and went to reach for something in her glove compartment and what was in there? The toothpaste. She laughed and smiled. For sixty five years they been hiding that tube in each other's items for the other to find. What was once something that caused consternation became, in the oddest of ways, a symbol of their friendship and love for each other. They also mentioned that you can't manufacture a tradition, it's usually something that just happens. For us, it is meeting for lunch once a week, no matter what. The rules of conversation are we do not discuss work, kids, or family during that hour. It's time for us and to talk about us. I've been doing it for twenty years and we've missed lunch twice. It is easily my favorite part of every week.
Date your spouse. Set aside the kids, plans, whatever. Have time to do an activity for just the two of you, it could be something as simple as going to dinner or catching a play, whatever. Make it a priority. I'm still amazed at what I discover about my wife by just spending dedicated time with her.
Last one. Never judge or comepare yourselves to anyone else's marriage. Never judge because you have absolutely no idea what is going on behind closed doors even if you think they tell you "everything". Never compare because it doesn't improve anything. Feeling that you're doing better or worse than some other couple misses the point of being together entirely.
Unconventional isn't the end of the world. Keep at it.
Talking can help a bit. There are people you know willing to listen, here or elsewhere.
Catholicism doesn't per se prohibit divorce. But, the Church would prohibit a remarriage (without an annulment). It also holds that any sexual relationship after a divorce (again, without an annulment) is adultery. In those circumstances, you could be refused the Eucharist.
You may want to talk about these things with your parish priest or your spiritual director. Again, best of luck. Thought about you during my prayer this morning.
but wasted the rest of it.
candidly, i am incredibly grateful for my life and remind myself on a daily basis of that fact. that said, there is one decision i had to make about college that i wonder how things would've been different: if i'd a gone to harvard to play for coach cleary. he was great and i still remember visiting that campus and he taking my dad and i into the new stadium, so new they weren't finished with the dressing rooms but i can still envision that crimson carpet. very cool.
the other thing i'd change if i could is that i would've somehow met my wife earlier. mind you, i wasn't worth marrying (and probably still am not), but she is just about able to walk on water and if i could somehow have arranged to be her husband sooner, i would.
could do it all over again i probably wouldn't have applied for a cooking job at bar/sports complex when i was 19 (i was living in windsor then) the summer before i started going to college... i got caught up in the working at a bar life style and it played a large part in me not doing so well in college...
don't get me wrong i met and made friends with a lot of great people over the 7 years i was there and had made to being the kitchen manager and a bartender before i quit working there...
I had a chance at a career at UM Hospitals, but because I didn't really like the system I would be working with, I went elsewhere and ended up in Tampa, FL, which isn't a bad consolation, IMO. I do wonder from time to time about how awesome it would be to live in A2.
If you listen to all the SEC folks, it's freezing year round.
LOL, yeah. I was in A2 for almost 10 years. Nothing beats May-November in A2. My goal is to get to living here in the winter/spring and there in the summer/fall
Over the past five years, it's more difficult to think of something I DON'T regret.
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Got wacked from my a few days before Christmas as an middle manager for a large name company. Had a two month old at home. Spent a six months looking for that right job, got it then was fired 3 months later - long story.
Anyway out of desperation jumped back into sales - I had been in management and consulting for 6 years - and then tripled my income in the first year. Got recognition trips to Africa, Bali, Hawaii and elsewhere.
Don't love sales/sales management as a career but it's something I am good at. My wife was able to spend time with the kids and I have a pretty secure financial situation after nearly 20 years in high tech sales.
It's funny everytime I have been laid off or fired it seems like the worst thing ever at that moment in time - but each time it has led to something better.
This company was owned by a christian zealot. They wanted to save money by letting us go before the Christmas holidays and not having to pay holiday time. He later went on to start a christian law school. Of course this company gave birth to the Dave Brandon phenomena
I had to take Calc 112 to get into undergrad B-school in the 80's. Remember walking out of the midterm knowing I had failed horribly. Went to get my test results and the Prof says he can't find my test. Since it somehow got lost he let me retake a different but similar test. Since I basically knew what was going to be on the test I was well prepared and aced the test.
Passed the class and got into what became Ross. Someone was looking out for me because if I fail that test I doubt I get into B-school and it sets off a whole bunch of domino's.
Wonder what my life would have been like if I took a job in Palm Springs rather than Maryland...
Wonder what would have happened if I stayed in Ann Arbor for fellowship instead of Cleveland Clinic...
Wonder what would have happened if I pursued law like I wanted, rather than medicine (what my parents wanted).
One was not bad looking, but at that time she got around a lot and I didn't want to be a part of that. I honestly wasn't sure about her STD status because she slept with some fairly shady characters. Not total deadbeats, but dudes that got around a lot themselves. I mean, "ARE YOU CLEAN?" is not really something you can ask a girl. I figured she was a gold digger and she just saw dollar signs when I got my job and bought a house. She grew up a lot, though -- married an honest guy and is living a great family life with kids now.
The other one was not as good looking but had her head on straight. I shouldn't have been so picky.
I didn't realize how slim the pickings would get as I got older. Neither one of those ladies were no-doubt-about-it knockouts, but either would have been better than the nothing I have now.
Small town Iowa, there are NO single 40-somethings around....
Buncha married farm stock.....dammit....
The farm stock are swingers though(at least thats what I've heard) so you still have a shot.
That's illegal most places.
Really? A couple guy friends and myself are in our 30s and there's all sort of women around.
There's really no competition if you've stayed in shape, have your money in order, don't have any kids, and have a career. Have your pick of the 20 something litter.
Selection bias.
As people age, there is probably a reason why they are single.
At least you have Tinder/dating aps nowadays.
Even at 27, the thought always drifts across the back of my mind when things are going okay with a girl that she'll wonder why I'm single at my age and decide that there must be something wrong with me.
If you're decent looking and in shape, and have a few $ in the bank, find someone in their 20's to date.
...I wish I'd understood earlier that being cynical doesn't make you right. And I wish I'd started excercising and taking care of myself physically earlier.