OT: The path not taken. A thread for reflection and regrets
Lately I've been thinking about a few decisions in my life that led me to where I am today.
Is there a single event or decision that changed your life, for good or bad, which sticks out in your memory? Did you make the right decision? If you had to do it over again would you turn left instead of right?
I've made too many mistakes to count, but my biggest regret is my choice of career. I was a pretty good DJ (radio, not unce unce unce) and lately I've been thinking I should have stuck with it instead of selling my soul to a bank.
I'm not even 40 yet and I bet my 84 year old grandma is in better physical condition than me. I keep telling myself I'm going to get in shape, but being a lazy fat ass is soooooo much easier
I never played organized tackle football. My 8 year old is just now starting and I'm so excited for him. I am committed to encouraging him in whatever interests he chooses though, and not "living through my kids" as a lot of parents force their kids to do what they want them to do.
was meeting my wife 7 1/2 years ago. I've never been happier and we both have grown significantly as Christians. It took almost 3 years to get her to America from China on a Fiance Visa. Two years ago we were married and every day is a blessing. She has been in America for a little over 2 years and every day her Englsh gets better - we have a lot of fun with the ESL video's.
and she still doesn't speak English correctly.
Does her accent still want you to shag baby?
She's from south Wales. Think Catherine Zeta-Jones' accent.
Only real regret is my first wife. Ugh. It's not even like a "What was I thinking?" because I know exactly what I was thinking. I just wasn't correct. Not even close. Fortunately no kids, no lasting repercussions, so... whew. Still, wish I hadn't spent the time on that relationship.
Life is too short to waste time trying to convince yourself that you can tolerate bullshit.
So true. Dated a girl at UM that was totally wrong for me. High maintenance, bunch of bullshit. Dated her for far too long. Really helped me learn the lesson you just said, though. When I started dating my wife, I knew she was a keeper, as there was NO bullshit.
Had a similar GF before I ment my wife. Good learning experience, no regrets, except maybe her kinky sexual desires, hmm let me rethink that.....
Sometimes I wish I'd finished my MBA as I'd be fabulously wealthy now (or at least able to retire by 60). But, I love game programming and I quit my career as a Chemical Engineer to do it. I don't regret it and I'm good at it, but I'll never have a ton of money as a result.
There are times when I sit here and really do in fact regret not pursuing my first dream of childhood and becoming a psychiatrist a little more vigorously than I did. I kind of bowed to more practical considerations and while I usually enjoy what I do, there are times when I want to do, well, what I wanted to do in the first place because I think I might feel a little more useful. I like the life that I have, but I wonder if this would have been even better for me.
Besides, I am pretty sure I would have been fine as a modern Frasier Crane, except a little less serious.
Regret not learning to ice skate as a child
Regret not sleeping with more women when I was young - I tried but was ineffective - after being married 25+ years this really stings
Regret getting to be a fat bastard
Regret that I put 2 years in my late 20's into a long distance relationship that ended badly. I wasted a lot of money on plane tickets, gifts, and other relationship crap. I also wish I would have asked out more girls when I was younger. I was very shy and not very confident around females in my late teens early twenties.
Luckily, I ended up marrying a 21 year old when I was 31 and did very well for myself, but I always wondered what if I had asked out ______? What would life have been like?
Once you get to corporate/non profit accounting and out of the CPA/Consulting gig accounting your life will be enjoyable. My wife has a masters in finance and skipped the whole CPA thing and it seemed to be a much better path in terms of fun. Working with a CPA firm seems to me like being on the low rungs of a law firm - it will get better!
You might want to consider working for a non-profit or something else that might feed your altruistic side.
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
-Mitch Hedberg
He was well known for playing the stoner during his act but it's also too bad that's how his real life was as well. Sad that his demons won. I first heard him on XM Radio many, many years ago and have been a fan since.
Made plenty of mistakes in my life, but I try not to have regrets. Things happen the way they're supposed to. But to play devil's advocate:
I do wish I at least tried playing football in high school. No idea if I would've been any good, but I certainly had the frame to play. My problem was just that I convinced myself I wouldn't be any good, and that was foolish. Even if I stunk, it would've been a great way to make more friends.
Also sometimes wish I had the cajones to go out and do what I really want to do in life, which is open/run several dog shelters. Dogs are my passion in life, without question, and I'd be more than happy to put in 12 hour days in that job. The problem is (and here come the excuses) that I'd be terrified of supporting my family on only a $35,000 a year salary. I consider this to be my passion project when I retire many moons from now.
Now, as far as appreciation, my last ex dumping me was unquestionably one of the best things that ever happened to me. For one, this was a girl who had no plans about what she wanted to do with her life, and two, she never imagined living a life outside of Columbus, Ohio (Yes, she was also an OSU fan. What the hell is wrong with me?). I don't say that to bash OSU and Columbus, but rather because I realized I couldn't live my life with such a close-minded person who's convinced that life does not exist beyond the borders of her hometown. She was born in Columbus, and she'd be damned if she ever lived anywhere else.
But I am forever appreciative that she dumped me because several weeks later, I took a chance on going out on another date, and I met the woman I'm going to marry. Had my ex strung me along for several more weeks, I would've never met the love of my life.
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The only way to fix it is to day "Dad, I want us to be closer but I don't know how."
Just make sure you understand the outcome isn't up to you (or at least only half up to you).
Don't let a loved one die with things unsaid. Take the risk.
You're probably not looking for in-depth advice, and I don't know anything about the existing dynamic.
But for starters, if casual stuff is what you have, relish that. I was close with my Dad, but there were times when I was young that I was rebelling against him. But we still had football to watch and that was important.
And try to find something in common to do together. Even if it is really just watching a game.
I feel trite even saying stuff like this. I don't know your situation, after all.
But my Dad has been gone for 13 years and I would give my left arm to talk to him again.
I think of him every day.
Mine's been gone for 27, and same here.
After my high school graduation, he took me on a cross-country trip to California to visit my sisters. I know it was supposed to be a father-son bonding experience for us (my folks divorced when I was 10, Mom remarried, and Dad was relegated to the background.) But he was driving the 17-year-old me crazy just by being himself, so I spent much of the trip sleeping ... or pretending I was just so I wouldn't have to talk to him.
I know - I was a real gem, wasn't I? Every time I think of that trip, I am amazed what an obnoxious little shit I was ... and how I wish I could get a do-over.
Unfortunately, life doesn't come with a mulligan. If it did, I'd need several.
I wish I had been a better son.
I have 3 sons of my own now. Two I get along with well and one I don't. I wish it was better between the two of us than it is. I love all 3 of them equally so I take some comfort in knowing my dad probably felt the same way toward me.
Ain't nothing Tl; dr about this, man. Good story, and good for the both of you.
I did not know you could get pigeon-holed in engineering. I'm in software and many of my technical teammates come from all kinds of engineering backgrounds - mechanical, electrical, aerospace - I don't know crap about nuclear, but people with technical skills and aptitude usually can move to something different - but it may take a step back or sideways first.
Wait the Hatter is a banker? Did not see that coming at all.
I also am in banking and figured I was the outlier. Hmm there are more of us weirdos in banking than I assumed.
I should have played soccer in middle school and high school. Soccer wasn't very cool back then (early 70's) and our middle school coach was a real douche, but I shouldn't have let that bother me. I ran fast and had a nose for the ball around the goal. Instead, I chose wrestling and pretty much messed up my knees, hurt my back, and I broke my nose as the cherry on top. What was I thinking? Shouldn't have listened to my friends and my brother.
18 and laying around the house deciding whether to take a year off school then go to college. My uncle comes over one night and says his carpenter crew needs a grunt. Then before I can get out I get caught up in the carpenter life stye it's 40+ years later. I earned a good living but I wonder how it would have been if I'd gone to school.
For me it was the "decision" to not drink alcohol when I was young and impressionable. There were a few times I can remember when the opportunity was there, but something inside me said no. Now I'm 34 and still don't drink, never will. It's really given a HUGE boost to me life.
If you've never had a drink, then how do you know it gives you a huge boost?
and it's telling me that you have made a mistake.
Long-but hopefully helpful and relevant.
I grew up with a natural passion and interest in engineering, went through and got BS and MS in mechanical engineering at UM and did very well. I love good design and technical problems. However, starting in middle school I discovered I also loved playing guitar and writing and recording my own music. I was always very self-conscious about it though, and thought of my music as an outlet, not something I could make a living on or something other people would appreciate much.
In undergrad I found it very difficult to balance coursework with writing music and recording, and by grad school, I had somewhat given up on spending much time on it. Once in a while I'd jam with a friend.
One day I got so frustrated by it though--feeling like I was being pulled in two directions, with engineering always winning--and my friend encouraged me saying that I should pursue it sometime. One of the frustrations was that I was genuinely afraid of sharing my music, it was a very personal thing close to my heart and I was vulnerable. But I never knew if that's how I truly wanted it, or if I just never learned to "own" it publically and if I did, would I grow to be more comfortable and have it be a bigger part of what I do professionally. So that day I promised myself that sometime in my life I would flip the priorities to see what happens--to see if music truly is just a personal outlet, or if it's something I could do on a bigger stage and have it be part of or all of my career.
Two years ago a lot of things changed in my life and I had a blank slate for what to do next. I realized that the only thing I truly wanted to do was try music all-out. So I sold everything I owned except for recording equipment, drove across the country and am currently writing and recording a new album and my own music sharing platform.
The whole process has been scary and I've lost many things (I have passed on professional opportunities that some people, myself included, would kill for), I have basically no money right now (yet strangely a fierce resistance to working for anyone else), and there is no "end" in sight or traditional professional milestones to make me feel better. Yet I have amazed myself at my resourcefulness, and how much progress I've made. Some time it's been hell, and I have given up many times--totally thrown in the towel--but I find that the next morning I wake up and keep going. And that's how I know I'm on to something--because nothing will stop me, not even myself.
A few months ago I met someone while out with friends, and while explaining this journey it slowly dawned on me that I had forgotten what it felt like to WONDER. Like I realized that despite all the craziness of this, I no longer remember what it feels like to wonder "what if I had done that..." or to talk about what I "wish I could do". It was like this huge weight was gone and I never even knew it!
We shall see how the music goes (I've worked out a deal as a caretaker in a sweet cabin in the woods which I've turned into a studio). For better or for worse, I no longer wonder "what if", and it is a sweet thing.
Most of my regrets are things I never tried, not things I did and failed.
I once hired a CPA to be a consultant. He spent the first few years out of high school as a musician. He finally decided that making a living mattered as he was tired of being a starving artist. It was cool to see our CPA consultant headed to a client engagement with a rollerbag and guitar case.
The order does not matter but I think it's important to pursue your love, even if on the side.
A cold turkey switch like you have done take some serious guts.
I wish my friend and I had not thrown snowballs at the short school bus. We were good shots. You know how school bus windows would never completely close? There was always an half inch gap where the window was partially open. We hit the gap with the snowballs and there was chaos in the bus while the bus driver slammed on the brakes. The occupants were freaking out. Which to a normally abled pair of 13 year old boys was absolutely hilarious.
42 years later I still think of that. It wasn't right. I regret doing it. I can't undo it, but I'll find a charity for kids with Down Syndrome and volunteer when I get closer to retirement age and do some volunteer work.
Reflection: I'm happily married, but I had a chance to date a high school crush that was a couple years younger than me when I was 18. I passed, primarily because I thought she was borderline nuts. Now she's a model in California with her high school figure while 40 weeks pregnant.
Mini-regret: I had an opportunity to become a postal inspector about a year after graduating from UM. It was right after 9/11 so I was determined not to deal with Anthrax on a daily basis. I'd be staring at retirement before turning 50, with three months of vacation time each year before that.
When I've occasionally checked out long-ago past flames and found a current picture, I usually think to myself "damn, boy, you really dodged a bullet there." I think all my exes should have the common courtesy to let themselves go.
Some pictures are best left in our memories. I do not want to see the 50ish women of my past and I sure as hell don't want them seeing me!
there is a line of thinking that goes like "yeah, but if I make change X now, [change career paths, or relationship, or lifestyle, etc] by the time it's really paying off [practicing medicine, having children, coaching the NY Giants] I'll be XX old because it takes, say, 10 years for all that to blossom.
Ask yourself this: how old will you be in 10 years if you DON'T make the change now?