Hi, it’s me again.

Bryan Mackenzie is taking a hiatus from Opponent Watch (hey should we change the title, by the way? It sounds so self-incriminating these days), so I volunteered for backup duty. Bryan, I gotta say, I really love what you’ve done with this piece. I apologize for all the gimmicky prompts you’ve faithfully preserved all these years (“Michigan can sleep soundly about” just screams undeveloped prefrontal cortex), so please feel free to change them when you return. I do hope you return. You’re the Blake Corum of college football humor.

Anyhow, it’s been a hot second since the last time I posted something here, hasn’t it? I’m doing great, if you were wondering. After writing for mgoblog, I decided to become a urologist. I moved to the west coast for residency, and now I’m in my last year of fellowship training. My passionate disdain of rocks and rock-like objects led me to pursue a career in endourology, which is a fancy way of saying I remove kidney stones for a living.

So in that spirit, we’re doing kidney stone analogies today.

About last week:

Ten years ago I was in East Lansing for the -48 yards rushing game. After the game Ace Anbender and I happened upon a bottle of Buffalo Trace in my trunk and played a game of “what is the saddest song you can think of” as State fans paraded around us. It started out funny and ironic, but eventually it just became sad. We settled on the Jeff Buckley version of “Hallellujah.” Chantel Jennings found us in an emptied parking lot about an hour later and drove us home.

I wasn’t in East Lansing last weekend, but I like to think that somewhere in that parking lot there was a Michigan State fan listening to Jeff Buckley and singing along to a cold and broken Hallelujah.

[After THE JUMP: Diagnoses]

The Road Ahead

Purdue (2-5, 1-3 B1G)

Last week: Bye

Recap: Thank goodness I don’t have to write this up, because I have watched zero Purdue games this season.

This team is as frightening as: A Randall’s plaque.

Coe et al. JCI 2003.

It’s not a kidney stone per se; it’s more of a precursor lesion. In patients who form a lot of kidney stones, you can see these plaques studding the inside surface of the kidney when you look endoscopically. How long before a Randall’s plaque develops into a bona fide kidney stone? Check back in a year or two.

Michigan should worry about: NCAA shenanigans putting a damper on all the good vibes from this season.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Locker room vibes seem just fine.

When they play Michigan: Night games starting at 4:30 is one of the best parts about living on the west coast.

Next game: @ Nebraska

Penn State (6-1, 3-1 B1G)

Last week: Lost to Ohio State 20-12

Recap: This game was a stalemate until halfway through the second quarter when Penn State did the thing: they 1) punched the ball out of Kyle McCord’s hand and returned the fumble for a backbreaking touchdown and 2) got flagged for defensive holding on Marvin Harrison Jr. that wiped away the aforementioned fumble returned for a touchdown, resulting in a backbreaking Ohio State touchdown a few plays later.

But the story of the game wasn’t so much the 14-point swing (and to be fair, you can’t hold Marvin Harrison Jr. and expect that to go unnoticed) as it was what Penn State did afterwards, which, on offense, was a whole lot of nothing. They converted 1/16 third downs the entire game. One third down! Want to know the last time Michigan had that kind of performance against Ohio State? No, you don’t! But I’m going to tell you anyway: 2008, Rich Rod’s first season with Nick Sheridan at quarterback. As Michigan fans, we know that you reach those depths only when you have a quarterback maxing out his abilities at 8/24 for 87 yards (3.6 yards/attempt), which is not so different than Drew Allar’s 18/42 for 191 yards (4.5 yards/attempt) (p > 0.5, chi-square test).

So welcome to the Threetsheridamit experience, Penn State fans. At least Rich Rod had the decency to limit the moon balls.

What this game did confirm about Penn State is that their defense is pretty okay. They’re not anthrax-level resilient like Iowa, but they were occasionally getting hands on some Marvin Harrison targets and stuffing third and short runs for a loss. They did their job, even down their best player (Chop Robinson left with an undisclosed injury) for a lot of the game. I know – in the postgame presser James Franklin made it out to be some titanic defensive battle (“I’m not sure if we didn’t just watch two of the best (defenses) in college football”), but let me assure you that 2011 LSU-Alabama this was not, especially considering what was happening on the other side of the ball.

This team is as frightening as: A big bladder stone.

Napitupulu et al, JMA Journal 2022

Bladder stones tend to look impressive. The museum in the American Urologic Association headquarters has a display case full of them, and every urologist has a story about the biggest bladder stone they’ve ever treated.

But the thing about bladder stones is that removing them (cystolitholapaxy or cystolithotripsy) is secretly one of the easiest and most satisfying operations to perform in urology. If you choose to approach the case endoscopically, all you need is a little bit of patience. Inexperienced surgeons screw up this case by causing bleeding and losing visualization. But if you’re systematic, don’t scuff up the bladder, and ensure good drainage, you’re going to have a good time.

Michigan should worry about: Heavy formation on third and short.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: It’s probably a pass.

When they play Michigan:

Next game: vs Indiana

Maryland (5-2, 2-2 B1G)

Last week: Bye

Recap: Okay I confess. I picked this week to do a guest post mostly because I knew I wouldn’t have to recap Maryland or Purdue.

This team is as frightening as: A uric acid stone.

UAB.edu

It’s made from the stuff that causes gout. It does all the things a regular calcium stone does at first, but with a little time and alkaline therapy, it tends to dissolve.

Michigan should worry about: Taulia giveth.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: And Taulia taketh away.

When they play Michigan: I think running the Ohio State game plan might work against Maryland?

Next game: @ Northwestern

Ohio State (7-0, 4-0 B1G)

Last week: Beat Penn State 20-12

Recap: Now, had the hold on Marvin Harrison Jr. NOT been called, the rest of this game would have been a lot more interesting.

Imagine an alternate universe where Ohio State goes into half time down 10-3. Their quarterback is rattled, so much so even with the mulligan that Ryan Day didn’t even bother letting him run a 40-second drill with multiple timeouts to close out the half. And now he can’t get settled because that 2.5 yard/carry run game isn’t preventing any third-and-longs. Throwing to Marvin Harrison Jr. all the time gets interceptably predictable. James Franklin puts away the all-moonball offense in favor of a sane offense, and the Penn State rushing attack, while not particularly explosive, saps away at the will of the Ohio State defense. Fourth quarter rolls around and Penn State is still up a touchdown give or take a field goal. And now it’s Drew Allar vs OSU Cover Zero. Stoppable force meets moveable object.

If there’s anything to gripe about it’s that the refs robbed us of a much more compelling end to this game.

This team is as frightening as: A struvite stone

Pulmonarychronicles.com

Usually associated with chronic infection, struvite stones grow insidiously and form what are called “staghorn” stones that can fill and obstruct an entire kidney. These stones can cause a lot of problems, and the surgical technique to get rid of it (percutaneous nephrolithotomy) involves poking a very precise hole into the kidney so that the stone can be accessed and broken up with a tiny jackhammer. The critical part is making the hole – one of the more difficult procedures in urology requiring a lot of advanced training to master – but once you’ve got access, the jackhammering goes quickly because the struvite is quite soft.

Michigan should worry about: The sign stealing PR campaign has been by far the most effective Michigan game plan Ryan Day has come up with over the last two years.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: The sign stealing PR campaign has been by far the most effective Michigan game plan Ryan Day has come up with over the last two years.

When they play Michigan: Just an honest-to-goodness football game with no subtext whatsoever.

Next game: @ Wisconsin

Objects in rear view:

East Carolina (1-6, 0-3 AAC)

Last week: lost to Biff Poggi-coached Charlotte 10-7.

Recap: Eyabi Okie posted 7 tackles and a sack. He now has 5 on the year. Great to hear he’s doing well.

In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: A phlebolith. A phlebolith is a small calcification in a vein that can resemble a kidney stone on imaging. But don’t be fooled – it is not a kidney stone.

Next game: @ UTSA

UNLV (6-1, 3-0 MWC)

Last week: Beat Colorado State 25-23.

Recap: I guess they’re kind of on a roll? Keep up the good work!

In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: A gallstone. Can cause badness. Fortunately it’s not something urologists typically deal with except for that one time we rotated on general surgery.

Next game: @ Fresno State

Bowling Green (4-4, 2-2 MAC)

Last week: Beat Akron 41-14

Recap: This victory was achieved despite QB Connor Bazelak completing 6/11 passes for 69 yards and 1 touchdown.

In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: Appendicitis. Very painful. Thought it might have been a kidney stone for a minute there, but glad we got it figured out.

Next game: Bye

Rutgers (6-2 (!), 3-2 B1G)

Last week: Beat Indiana 31-14.

Recap: This victory was achieved despite QB Gavin “Hold My Beer” Wimsatt completing 5/12 passes for 39 yards. Yes, he did rush for 143 yards and 3 TDs but that’s beside the point.

In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: A urinary tract infection. Gotta take the entire course of antibiotics, otherwise it comes back in the fourth quarter and beats you 27-24.

Next game: Bye

Nebraska (4-3, 2-2 B1G)

Last week: Beat Northwestern 17-9.

Recap: “Graaawrrr” – Nash Hutmacher

In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: Steinstrasse.

Radiopaedia.org

Literally “stone street,” it’s a German term for what happens when a long thin line of tiny kidney stones pile up and obstruct the ureter. Where did these tiny stones come from, you ask? They’re the fragments of a once mighty kidney stone that has since been reduced to rubble.

Next game: vs Purdue

 

Minnesota (4-3, 2-2 B1G)

Last week: Beat Iowa 12-10

Recap: Obscured by the terrible fair catch penalty that decided the game was the fact that Iowa netted somewhere around 20 yards the entire second half on 8 drives. I don’t actually know the actual number but this feels spiritually correct. I have nothing to say about Minnesota because I didn’t watch this game for Minnesota.

In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: A Bosniak II cyst.

Imiaos.com

Cysts can form in the kidney. How complex they appear according to the Bosniak classification system dictates how excited urologists and radiologists get about them because the higher the Bosniak classification the more likely they are to be malignant. Bosniak I and IIs are typically benign and not worth keeping an eye on.

Next game: vs Michigan State

 

Indiana (2-5, 0-4 B1G)

Last week: Lost to Rutgers 31-14.

Recap: QB Brendan Sorsby played the entire game and did okay (15/31, 136 yards 1 TD, 11 rush 49 yards, 1 TD), all things considered? I mean, it wasn’t good, but the bar in the B1G is pretty low *gestures to QB stats above*. I watched him play in person against Michigan, and he definitely stood out as a playmaker even though his numbers weren’t great. I think Indiana has their quarterback.

In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: Ureteral spasm. Felt like a kidney stone for 15 minutes, but turned out to be nothing.

Next game: @ No. 10 Penn State