Hello I Am Hung Over Let's Yell About US Soccer
DESOLATION
Hungover? Whatever. Hello, folks. Instead of doing my job last night I had some alcohol and devised a series of mostly-humane traps that can be used against Sunil Gulati and everyone else associated with US Soccer. I plan on 3-D printing these traps and leaving them wherever incompetent executives gather: airline lounges, Sur La Table, the White House, Toys R Us, Starbucks, that kind of thing.
If you will permit me a moment: US soccer is the only sporting thing outside of Michigan I care about these days and it's right up there. Many of my friends I know because of it. A World Cup every four years is a cornerstone of the sporting experience for me, and now it's gone. I expect someone will yell at me for not having an MSU UFR today, and I would like to pre-emptively tell this person to go to hell. Go to hell, jerk. Your silver lining is that I won't be writing about soccer for a month next summer. Instead I will be telling myself that strong men also cry.
Anyway. Defeat has a thousand mothers and everyone is flogging their pet theory. I accept all persons as targets of blame. Yes, Arena. Yes, Klinsmann. Yes, Gulati. Gulati, finally and most of all.
Have we stopped to ask why president of US Soccer, an enterprise that has a nine-digit pile of cash it's sitting on, is a side hustle for an economics professor who looks like a melted pez dispenser?
Or why that guy hasn't been challenged in the last two elections? The most recent came well after it was clear Klinsmann was a bit of a dunce, and nobody even stepped up to the plate. Like all national federations, US Soccer is insulated from consequences and mostly set up to gather cash and dispense it to Chuck Blazer's cats.
Any self-respecting melted pez dispenser would have a wakizashi in his chest this morning, but this guy is talking about "two inches" like not even making the playoff over ten games in a group featuring Honduras, Costa Rica, Trinidad and Tobago, and Panama was a matter of some rotten luck.
It's not. Obviously. In addition to failing to make the World Cup, Gulati's ham-handed management has seen US soccer sued by its own players. Stadium selection has been focused exclusively on cash, with many many matches played on substandard turf. The women refused to play one match in Hawaii because it was so dangerous. The US has missed three of the last four Olympics, and hired a very special boy in Klinsmann. That dumbass left Landon Donovan, the all-time USA GOAT, off a World Cup roster in the same year he was MLS MVP in favor of a kid who can't get on the field in the Bundesliga 2 and an insurance salesman named Brad.
Klinsmann got dominated in three out of four matches, got out of the group because Portugal blew it, was saved the embarrassment of a 10-0 game against Belgium by Tim Howard, and kept his damn job. The US got outshot 15-6 by Haiti in a Gold Cup in which they got badly outplayed by everyone except Cuba, and Klinsmann kept his damn job. Only after Klinsmann had started the US down the path to destruction did Gulati pull the trigger on his very special boy. Klinsmann remains unemployed. It is unlikely he will ever manage another soccer team.
On its face replacing him with Arena was fine, but you can't make a soccer team or an offensive line in one year, and then Arena made a stunningly insane tactical decision to play the same 11 last night. That may be the only thing Gulati can't be blamed for. Finally, a thing Gulati didn't do wrong.
Unfortunately Gulati is accountable to almost nobody, as is usual. The only thing that will get him out is a decrease in the bottom line, and so I beg anyone inclined to go to a US game or buy merch to not do so until a total housecleaning takes place.
I guess now I get to go finish reviewing the MSU game. This week is fun!
October 11th, 2017 at 1:15 PM ^
Our current coach doesn't have a good track record?
October 11th, 2017 at 1:36 PM ^
I get how you see it that way, but that's not a Lloyd bashing, it's a criticism of the people above that.
The process to replace Klinsmann was pretty much "oh shit, we need to bring in someone right now, who's the first person that will answer the phone?". That would make sense if he was found with a dead hooker in his bed the morning before a game. You wouldn't have had to offer Arena more than to pay for the snack box on his flight that afternoon to get him to manage the team.
But the Klinsmann issue was a long burn and there was more than enough time to find a real replacement, someone who really and truly could be considered the best person for the job. Instead Gulati, and the powers that be, chose the easiest path, didn't bother to do any sort of preparation, and just called up the first number in the speed dial.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:47 PM ^
I'm not invested in US Soccer but I would have liked them to qualify for the World Cup. I don't watch much soccer but I do enjoy the World Cup.
Twellman's rant was great and now he knows how we all felt after last Saturday night.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:53 PM ^
Reading this gave me PTSD flashbacks to the threads post MSU (and going). I guess this is Brian's personal snowflakes thread for the USMNT.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:55 PM ^
They should have kicked the ball into the net more than the other team.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:49 PM ^
Problem is, they kicked one of them into their own net.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:57 PM ^
-End pay-to-play travel teams as the de-facto youth development system.
-Replace that with team academies organized and run by clubs (FWIW this is already happening, as a number of top European clubs have set up youth academies in the US)
-Aggressively encourage kids 15-19 to go overseas
-Develop a top to bottom, system wide philosophy of how we want US soccer to play. Do we develop the ability to dominate possession a la Spain? Do we focus on defense and counter attack, a la Italy? Do we focus on athletes and try to out muscle and outrun teams, a la Ghana? Whatever it is, it needs to be the focus all the way through.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:00 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 1:11 PM ^
You can't end pay-to-play if we don't have an open pyramid like the rest of the world. There is no icentive for lower division teams to create their own subsidized youth academies when there is no chance of them moving up to the top league.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:17 PM ^
Should have added
--Create a relegation/promotion system. MLS is already at 22 teams. Any future expansion should focus on a second division (maybe combine with the NASL) with the possibility of promotion.
October 11th, 2017 at 2:26 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 2:34 PM ^
end NCAA soccer. Or at least make it clear that players with the opportunity to go to youth academies who make the choice to play NCAA soccer are essentially giving up their future in the international soccer of the national team.
Or, find a way to make NCAA soccer look like NCAA football or basketball, where most of the best players at the best schools spend almost all their time working to improve as players, and competition for those spots is fierce.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:58 PM ^
Everyone needs to calm down........
October 11th, 2017 at 12:58 PM ^
when soccer is the big story on MGoBlog. Good grief! Need to beat Indiana ASAP.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:02 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 1:15 PM ^
I would take this a step further and say that I prefer Dempsey to Donovan as well. Landon is the most talented USMNT player of all time (well, CP may have that mantle now) but Dempsey was better. Landon was just too soft.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:18 PM ^
I agree with your point of LD not sticking it out in Europe. I think the point Brian was making was that LD past him prime and back in the MLS is much much better option than Brad Davis.
October 11th, 2017 at 3:41 PM ^
That's what Brian is saying. Julian Green is the Bundesliga 2 player he's talking about. I would also throw Wondolowski on the pile of "guys that LD should've been ahead of for a roster spot." If you don't think he would've been helpful off the bench against Belgium... I don't know what to say to that argument.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:05 PM ^
Make me Czar of the USMNT, and here is my one golden rule: If a player has a job in Europe and/or European offers/opportunities, but spurns them to go play in MLS, then, YOU ARENT ALLOWED TO PLAY ON THE NATIONAL TEAM.
Altidore. Dempsey. Bradley. Diskarud. Morris. These guys and others like them all lost any chance to get better, by returning to the CUSHY and NONCOMPETITIVE MLS. By "noncompetitive" I refer to the well-publicized (see: Lalas Rant, but others before him) truth about MLS. Good, high-paid players have no pressure on them. No one in the wings who will replace them -- they are there to be marketed, not just to win games. So they get treated like kings and don't have to worry about their jobs being lost to some up-and-comer. Unlike in Europe or Liga MX, where literally every practice is a scrape for playing time. While obviously MLS teams are competitive with each other, the pressure to improve as a player -- in practice or in games -- isn't nearly what it is in a dozen European leagues. Heck a guy would improve better playing in Greece or Turkey compared to MLS.
So I've had it with these oh-I'm-already-so-good guys who decide not to take the hard road in Europe and opt for the cushy MLS gig. Fine, you wanna do that? Good for you. But you don't get to play for the national team then. Only hardcore guys who wanna challenge themselves get to play for the USMNT. Pulisic, Yedlin... who, not surprisingly, were the 2 best players on the pitch for the US last night. That's no accident.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:07 PM ^
That would be politically impossible - the MLS would (justifiably) cry foul.
But yes, players should be tacitly encouraged to pursue opportunities in Europe where available.
October 11th, 2017 at 5:42 PM ^
He waited until he was 30, his career overseas was pretty much done at that point anyway and he wanted to wind down his career at home.
But the pool ought to be deep enough that at that point you're also announcing your international retirement.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:08 PM ^
The Russians hacked the game last night.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:10 PM ^
I have been looking forward to watching the mens WC with a rooting interest since the women's win.
Watching the men 4 years ago was a really enjoyable time in my life.
This really really sucks. Unreal.
I will likely be a completely different person by the next time I get to enjoy the USMNT in the WC.
How deflating.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:14 PM ^
in the recaps of the MSU debacle?
October 11th, 2017 at 1:55 PM ^
At first, I'm like, "That's hilarious - well played"
Then I'm like, "holy shit - this guy is serious."
...Unless you're not serious, and then I'm back to "well played, man"
October 11th, 2017 at 1:57 PM ^
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is sarcasm. Treat that upvote with care.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:21 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 1:22 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 1:42 PM ^
The anti-soccer whiners on this blog are fucking losers. Go read the Big American Tits Evening Post if you're so threatened by its very existence. You don't pay a fucking dime for the content on this website which is about SPORTS and you get your dysfunctional shrimp dicks in a knot when the owner of this website dares to cover a SPORT. All of you can eat shit.
October 11th, 2017 at 2:10 PM ^
...but -1 for me not caring about soccer.
October 11th, 2017 at 4:20 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 1:56 PM ^
He's the UFR for MSU, to save you the trouble:
Offense:
Defense:
October 11th, 2017 at 1:58 PM ^
How is the US so dominant in women's soccer but so dysfunctional in men's? Is it a function of a different devo system, lack of competition from other sports, or simply a weaker competitive landscape due to other cultures suppressing women's sports?
October 11th, 2017 at 2:11 PM ^
(but mostly the last thing you said)
October 11th, 2017 at 2:54 PM ^
It's mostly the last thing. Title IX gave us an enormous advantage there - tons of opportunities for girls to play sports, and encouraged to do so. The same "travel teams, high school and college" development system that puts us behind other countries for men's soccer development actually put us way ahead of almost everyone in women's.
The girls also didn't have football yoinking away athletes who might otherwise be good candidates. But it's mostly been the opportunity level here versus other countries.
October 11th, 2017 at 2:57 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 3:45 PM ^
I imagine he'd just try to go 1 on 11 and we'd be in an even worse position.
October 11th, 2017 at 5:38 PM ^
How many NBA or NFL bodies do you see playing top-level soccer? What use would such a body be on a soccer field?
The best Spanish athletes, in the usual American sense of the word, are playing tennis and basketball; the best German athletes are playing handball. Soccer's a completely different player pool.
October 11th, 2017 at 6:40 PM ^
I assume the flopping translates. NBA players are experts at that.
October 11th, 2017 at 7:38 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 2:09 PM ^
...but I feel bad for Brian. If my digust over the MSU loss was doubled this week, I would probably be drinking Drano today.
October 11th, 2017 at 2:16 PM ^
am good with this ad hom. What a stooge. Getting into the WC was not that easy to fuck up. Last night we lost to a country with a smaller population, as someone noted, than Oakland County. Unfortunately, we kinda suck at soccer and I kinda get why the rest of the world likes to see us lose.
BTW, the own goal is easier to take than T&T's second goal, which shook Tim Howard's hand and wished him well as it breezed past him. ANYBODY who makes ANY excuse for that loss should be horsewhipped. The ONLY appropriate response is: we are miserable failures. How do you save this thing? I don't see it.
October 11th, 2017 at 2:16 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 2:23 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 2:48 PM ^
I wanted to thank you for the melted Pez dispenser image. I needed that laugh.
October 11th, 2017 at 2:51 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 3:13 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 3:51 PM ^
Live shot of Brian doing the offense UFR:
October 11th, 2017 at 4:00 PM ^
FUCK Russia anyway. Maybe we'll qualify as the host nation when they take it away from Russia for its rampantly corrupt ways.
What bothers me about Team USA is that we have no interesting characters. We rarely if ever have any tough, American-type characters. Tim Howard and Clint Dempsey are the only guys who play with any type of USA grit and toughness. Even back in the day we had dudes who had a bit of flair (Lalas), underdog pluckiness (Coby Jones) and big glory boy athletic arrogance (Tony Meola). I even liked dudes like Marcelo Balboa, Carlos Bocanegra and yes, to a lesser extent Donovan, although he was pretty bland himself.
We won't ever be good unless we do it the American way, with our own personality and attitude, that is totally different from the rest of the world.
October 11th, 2017 at 6:50 PM ^
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