An Open Letter To Whoever Came Up With "Floor Seats"
No. Don't do it.
Don't do what? Whatever it is you have thought to do next. Hand shoes. Don't do that. Nobody will like them. Foot hands. Nobody wants to replace their feet with hands via a brutal surgical procedure. Just leave the feet and hands as they are now. The feet will be shod. The hands will remain unshod. Critically, both feet and hands will remain feet and hands. Nobody needs or wants four dextrous but fragile appendages. Save it for zero G science fiction, buddy.
No. Don't do that, either.
Do not invent a cuisine based on rotting food. Yes, I've heard of that Scandinavian rotted shark thing. No, I don't think you should extend that concept to the ground beef I forgot about and is now alarmingly brown. Nobody wants to eat rotted food. Okay, yes, Scandinavians. Nobody who isn't a Viking wants to eat rotted food. Millions of years of evolution have resulted in people with strong aversions to food that could make you sick. Stop trying to make a smoothie out of everything the local Kroger is trying to throw out.
Don't do that. Whatever it is. Stop.
Look, I know you need some bullet points on a resume so that when you leave for another job you'll get a title better than "guy who can change the lights without a stepladder," but have you considered the fact that maybe you fit right in there as a man who stands in the corner with his eyes closed until a lightbulb needs changing and then impresses everyone around him with his femur len—DON'T EAT THE LIGHT BULBS
doesn't that hurt?
you are scaring your coworkers
there is blood all over the floor YES IT'S YOUR BLOOD WHO ELSE IS EATING LIGHTBULBS AROUND HERE
don't do that
don't
i can't stop you
nobody can stop you
please no
the sickening crunch
the guttural lip-smacking
the blood
i'll never be able to be around anyone else eating without thinking of this insanity
susan is vomiting
roger has stapled his eyes shut
stop
please
is this hell
…
i suppose you're going to put this on your resume as an innovative recycling initiative
if i may offer a suggestion, maybe replace the thing where you showed two hours of ref butts with this
February 17th, 2016 at 12:33 PM ^
This is delightful. It's like Lore Sjoberg wrote a guest column.
February 17th, 2016 at 1:31 PM ^
but don't go dissing ALL rotted food-type stuff..
I gotta have my saurkraut!!!!!
February 17th, 2016 at 1:50 PM ^
February 17th, 2016 at 1:10 PM ^
This is hilarious. What the hell just happened?
February 17th, 2016 at 4:11 PM ^
February 17th, 2016 at 12:34 PM ^
DId I take a wrong turn somewhere and end up on SB Nation?
February 17th, 2016 at 12:35 PM ^
It was seriously so bad. I couldn't concentrate on the game at all. Stopped watching at halftime. Great job, ESPN.
February 17th, 2016 at 1:05 PM ^
It made me actually start listening to Dan Dakich... at least until he started complimenting his son for switching the court.
February 17th, 2016 at 12:35 PM ^
it is accurate
February 17th, 2016 at 12:35 PM ^
I wish espn would quit trying to be cute, it wasn't cute it was bufugly with an emphasis on the bu(tt) part.
Thanks for making that miserable game way more miserable espn.
February 17th, 2016 at 12:38 PM ^
the lack of punctuation at the end was particularly enjoyable IMO
February 17th, 2016 at 12:38 PM ^
Only thing worse than the camera angle was the game itself. But we will get the next one. Go blue!
February 17th, 2016 at 12:41 PM ^
February 17th, 2016 at 1:10 PM ^
Wait until ESPN starts covering the G5 Summits.
Here's a floor-level shot of Angela Merkel demonstrating her speed.
February 17th, 2016 at 8:08 PM ^
Ok, I'm bummed I can't upvote this picture more than once.
February 17th, 2016 at 1:15 PM ^
It was 100% planned, heard about it 8 hours before tip off
February 17th, 2016 at 2:48 PM ^
February 17th, 2016 at 12:41 PM ^
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February 17th, 2016 at 12:42 PM ^
The camera angles were so bad that I couldn't even stay excited for the game, some of that may have had to deal with the play of the squad, but I think a lot of it had to deal with the cameras. You could not tell if shots went in, if foul calls were good or not, and got no idea of flow of the game. This was worse than the glowing puck, at least I understood the idea behind that. Couldn't they have done this with a lower profile game?
February 17th, 2016 at 4:56 PM ^
they use the same angles for the Michigan/OSU football game in the Fall.
February 17th, 2016 at 12:43 PM ^
The OSU fans & media were just as pissed-off as we were. I follow a lot of the local sportswriters and radio personalities on twitter and can tell you that they were just as nunplussed over the camera position as you were Brian.
For a night at least we were united as brothers in hatred of ESPN.
#worldpeace
February 17th, 2016 at 2:30 PM ^
+1 for correct use of "nonplussed."
-1 for spelling it wrong.
Unless you were referring to the Sister Mary Teresa murder mystery.
February 17th, 2016 at 2:43 PM ^
How can the same word mean "surprised and confused" and "unperturbed"? Those are almost opposites.
February 17th, 2016 at 6:37 PM ^
Because nonplussed doesn't mean unperturbed. That's just what people think it means. Which, I guess, is kind of the definition of what words mean, so I suppose it does mean that.
BOOM SEMIOTIC'D
February 17th, 2016 at 12:43 PM ^
February 17th, 2016 at 1:20 PM ^
It was simply dreadful. I was watching on a large HD TV and it seemed that 2/3 of the image was the crowd punctuated by the bright light display that constantly runs ads or "make noise" or whatever that encircles the arena. It literally hurt my eyes to watch the game, at least as much of it as you could see.
Worst! Idea! Ever!
February 18th, 2016 at 2:54 PM ^
hence why one the actual camera persons asked a reporter at halftime if they were getting killed on social media. She knew.
February 17th, 2016 at 12:44 PM ^
they had to have the regular cameras in place, right?
If there was a question of whether someone got a shot off before the buzzer, whether someone's foot was on the 3 pt line, who the ball touched last before it went out of bounds - they would have had more camera angles than the ones on floor, no???
February 17th, 2016 at 12:52 PM ^
And for scouting/future practice purposes, I would assume so.
February 17th, 2016 at 12:56 PM ^
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February 17th, 2016 at 1:51 PM ^
February 17th, 2016 at 5:02 PM ^
February 17th, 2016 at 12:45 PM ^
A great idea if it was for at most 3-4 possessions for each team. At half time I gave up on watching it, put the game on my iPad and just listened to it while playing FIFA.
February 17th, 2016 at 12:58 PM ^
Hell I would have taken the backboard cam over that.
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February 17th, 2016 at 3:19 PM ^
February 17th, 2016 at 12:49 PM ^
The attempted comedy was a success. Well-written sir
February 17th, 2016 at 12:51 PM ^
I actually went out to a local bar to watch this game (don't have cable, am poor). After entering said establishment I was delighted to see another wolverine fan sitting at the bar. He said "You're not going to like this camera angle." I had no idea why the camera angle would be different than, you know, normal basketball viewing camera angle, but I was shocked to see the monstrosity unfold. Being that the camera angle was as it was I had four drinks rather than my regularly scheduled two and made fun of things on twitter instead of watching the game. I then drive home, was pulled over and luckily got only a speeding ticket. Thanks ESPN for nearly ruining my life by forcing me to make poor choices with your horrible decision to go with the fucking butt-cam.
February 17th, 2016 at 1:10 PM ^
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February 17th, 2016 at 1:25 PM ^
Or it's half cousin the butt-fucking cam.
February 17th, 2016 at 12:55 PM ^
seems like i work most weeknight games this season, but wasn't working last night and was so pumped to turn it on with an empty house...and i lasted...oh, about three minutes before turning it off completely.
worldwide leaders, man. bill simmons is gone, yet stephen a and skip bayless remain employed.
February 17th, 2016 at 12:56 PM ^
Oh well. Can't like everything. I'll read the next piece which will likely be great.
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February 17th, 2016 at 1:01 PM ^
Me feels that. Although watching Michigan lose anything, but especially to Ohio State is going to be some level of unwatchable.
February 17th, 2016 at 1:02 PM ^
at least it took the focus off another inept performance by the team...........yick
February 17th, 2016 at 1:04 PM ^
But still, don't do that.
It amazes me that a network whose bread and butter is broadcasting live sports would think this was a good idea to try. ESPN sucks.
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February 17th, 2016 at 1:06 PM ^
My friend and I were convinced something was wrong with the regular cameras until they started blowing each other about how cool the new camera angle was during the halftime show. Unbelievable that anyone thought this was a good idea.
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