PSA--Dealing with temper during this time of Home Rule
Mods, feel free to delete or move, but tonight I kind of felt called in case someone else out there needs to hear it; plus I'm hoping there are some words of wisdom out there (well I'm sure there are this is michigan fergodsakes).
I know not everyone here is male, though most are; and not all of those are fathers, though something close to a majority there, it seems. So perhaps a plurality of users here. ("Some of us are fathers; all of us are sons.")
I have been struggling (more) with my temper, roughly corresponding to more time with my children. I hate admitting that, but it's true. [What makes it somewhat ironic is that with a fairly laissez-faire job (~35 hrs a week) and as a homeschooling family before this, I spend a lot of time with them anyway.]
But this time has been different, noticeably so (to myself and my spouse and surely to the children). The children are small (combined they are less than 15 years old), so nothing they do is even that bad! I have been raising my voice more frequently, even yelling over quasi-nothings. Worse, I brood around the house and that sets the tone, even 'casts a spell' over the house, as it were.
I guess what I'm after with this is twofold:
- If this strikes a little close to home, know you're not alone. It probably happens to more of us than not. But neither is that an excuse for succumbing to our vices. I need to choose building a relationship over attempting to exert control. I cite--not at all as evangelization, simply as the proverbial image that dogs me--the servant in Matthew chapter 18, who is forgiven the huge debt but on his way home literally shakes down another person over a pittance. Ouch.
- If this is something with which you have contended, what are some tips or advice you might have to share? I have been in the past one to get up and drive away, which is less successful with small impressionable people around, never mind a quarantine. I've carefully regulated when and how much I drink, if at all. No need to play pop-psychologist, but if you've been able to tame this demon, i'd sure appreciate your thoughts.
March 30th, 2020 at 12:58 AM ^
Beer & Gummies.
MGoBlog and cable news
Try CBD oil and come to terms with the fact that you’re scared, then you can try to stop being a jerk.
Does CBD really work? I've honestly never tried it.
I didn't think I was all that fucked up about this whole situation, until 2 days ago when I started running a fever. And then the panic hit me like a ton of bricks. Which is unusual for me.
It works pretty well. I've done it for multiple reasons. Mostly use it for golf to loosen up my body, but it really has a calming effect everytime i've taken it.
No. It’s a fucking placebo and an expensive one at that.
March 30th, 2020 at 11:04 AM ^
Light reading
https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/cbd-products-are-everywhere-but-do-they-work
Pull quote
Does CBD work?
Yes, there is evidence that CBD works for some conditions, but certainly not all the conditions it is being promoted for these days. There's no evidence, for example, that CBD cures cancer. There is moderate evidence that CBD can improve sleep disorders, fibromyalgia pain, muscle spasticity related to multiple sclerosis, and anxiety.
March 30th, 2020 at 12:50 PM ^
It has had 0.0% effect when I’ve tried it. Maybe if I downed half a bottle (which costs $90+) of it there might be something that happens. But not the few drops they say to take.
Well, clearly if it doesn’t help you the other thousands and thousands of people it does help surely must be wrong huh?
March 30th, 2020 at 12:26 PM ^
It works as an anti inflammatory, not sure about other uses.
Seems to do wonders for my dog’s appetite. She’s got kidney disease and sometimes it’s the only thing we can do to get her to eat.
I started taking it about 9 months ago for achy hips. It has worked well for me in that department. I'm pain free in the mornings now. I was also taking a low dose antidepressant and went off it to see if the CBD could help with anxiety, which it has. The antidepressant made me feel somewhat flat. With the CBD oil, I still have a full range of emotions but can manage the anxiety. It's not a panacea but I do think it helps with certain conditions. I also sleep very soundly, though I don't know if the CBD oil is responsible for that.
Honestly it sounds like you need a good pepperoni pizza. And a really solid burger. And an order of carnitas tacos. If you’re still hungry I’ll still be there to cook! Come eat!
March 30th, 2020 at 11:00 AM ^
Carnitas = underrated
Easily the best meat option at Chipotle and, in fact, most Mexican joints.
Two comments:
1) Never forget the wisdom of John Beilein. After 30 years of coaching he said he finally realized when he watched a freshman make a bad pass and Beilein would yell at him, he would yell because he had seen countless players make that same bad pass for 30 seasons and that’s why Beilein was frustrated. He had to remember it was the first time that player had made that bad pass. The point is, never forget the perspective of being the parent vs. being the kid. You are the responsible one for how you choose to respond regardless of what the child does. Only you can chose to turn it into a positive learning moment or a negative memory of Dad losing it.
2) That verse from Matthew is often interpreted out of context. The full context of that verse can basically be summarized simply as, “congratulations, you were able to fool humans on earth, but you haven’t fooled God in heaven”. When understood in that context, it is a good reminder that anything you thought you got away with, you really haven’t where it matters most. If you believe in such things as a Christian God and what not.
Thank you. That's very helpful stuff in #1. Very convicting about being a "negative memory" (!!!).
As for #2--I'm the servant, who wants his forgiven but won't cut anyone else any slack. That's what I'm convicted by in that context. (Not to mention how that chapter begins vis a vis this discussion.)
Thank you, for real.
In fairness I should add the caveat that I recently realized how difficult it really is to follow one’s own advice. This revelation has taught me to be much more discerning about the advice I give. That said, I trust most of what I learned from John Beilein and thus feel less responsibility passing it on.
Regarding the Matthew verse, I have really enjoyed studying and teaching on that verse over the years, but even during this unique time, I really respect the no religion/politics rule for the board so I won’t comment further on that.
March 30th, 2020 at 11:24 AM ^
Never forget the wisdom of John Beilein. After 30 years of coaching he said he finally realized when he watched a freshman make a bad pass and Beilein would yell at him, he would yell because he had seen countless players make that same bad pass for 30 seasons and that’s why Beilein was frustrated. He had to remember it was the first time that player had made that bad pass.
This is so true in the context of raising kids. My wife and I would have to remind ourselves when our kids were much younger and we'd get frustrated about them not listening or forgetting or whatever it was - they've only been on the earth for a total of 3-4-5 years. We can't expect them to understand and respond as an adult, or even a teenager, would.
March 30th, 2020 at 12:07 PM ^
Your "not listening" line made me want to jump in.
They're always listening. As we reminded our kids when they were little and uttered the incessant "Mom!" or "Dad!" over and over, we told them our ears are always on, can't turn them off. Once is enough. Theirs are always on too. They're always listening.
Home is where they test the limits of what they can get away with. Right now, they also have no place to engage and learn the non-home limits of interaction, so it's non-stop testing in the environment they feel comfortable doing it. (Non-home is where you'll notice that they are indeed listening.)
They may need to burn the excess. Take them outside and have them race up and down the sidewalk. Time their 40s (XM is looking for some help). Have them build scavenger hunts for each other in the house. Occupy their brains; make them play Monopoly using the actual rules (this'll take days).
OP, you're definitely not alone (and none of us are bad parents for feeling like this). I've been relating this to when I had chicken pox as a kid. It was a couple weeks of isolation. During summer vacation, of course. Remembering what it's like to be a kid, and be cooped up has helped get through and provide perspective.
March 30th, 2020 at 12:52 PM ^
Fair point on the "not listening" part. What I meant was not doing what you tell them to do when you tell them to do it, of course :)
I usually find the times when I'm losing my temper more easily or in maybe somewhat of disproportionate response to the offense, it's usually to do one of (or a combination of things).
1. I have needs that aren't being met and I'm sacrificing myself instead of taking care of those needs. Check in with yourself. Are you meeting your basic human needs? If not, try to meet them. Lord knows it's not always possible with little ones around but sometimes you find its more possible, and easier than you would care to admit, to address that need quickly and then resume giving your attention to the kids
2. My stress levels are too high - whatever helps you to relieve stress, try not to skip it. I realize stress relief is different for everybody. For me it's making sure I run or lift for 45-60 minutes every other day, and meditate for 10 minutes in the morning or evening. Many people will give up these key stress relievers at the exact time you need them the most. Again, if you can, find a way to make sure you can still do whatever genuinely relieves stress for you, and you'll be amazed how far that goes.
3. My head is swimming. When I'm really consumed with thoughts about work, the news, my to-do lists, my fears or anything else I often find that I "forget" the things that really matter to me and the kind of father I want to be to my kids. I actually keep a list on my phone of a few key sentences that remind of the things that are most important to me to be as a dad and husband. I set a reminder and try to reread those daily or anytime I feel like I'm losing my shit. I find it really helpful to bring me back to the here and now, and most importantly, remember who I want to be to my kids and my wife when I'm not trying to worry away my problems. (worrying away my problems has yet to work but I'll be damned if i'll let something like that stop me from doing it anyways:) )
4. Avoidable Distractions. Are you just generally distracted? It's really goddamn hard right now to not be. If you have the actually important information you need right now, can you disconnect a little bit? Leave the TV off. Toss your phone on airplane mode for an hour? Even...dare I say it, check MGoBlog less? I found it's easier for me to get in the game, match their energy, and have fun when I'm not feeling the pull of distraction. Harder now that ever, I must admit, but even a little bit helps.
These are trying times for all of us. Take care of yourself, remember you're doing the best you can, and remember they are too.
Very well said. I manage pretty well (and only have one kid, so a bit of a smoother ride), but this all really resonates. Will keep this advice close, thanks NP!
This is excellent. Thank you.
I take your post as a serious request.
Someone once said: Anger is your subconscious not getting what it feels it needs from others. But of course others do not exist to satisfy our subconscious. They are always going to be who they are and do what they want. Your kids especially.
With kids sometimes parents get angry from a place of fear for them. Especially in times like these. When they don’t do what we want them to do, to keep them safe or to assure their future, that subconscious fear can turn into anger. Like when they run into the street. But kids can’t listen when someone is angry. No one can. You can only help them learn when you are calm.
I remember once when I accidentally got myself lost at 6. I thought for sure my mom would be angry once I found my way back. Any normal mom would have given the worry and stress I put her through. It was my fault. But she was the opposite. I always remember that.
So all I can say is, whenever you start to feel anger, before you do anything, recognize the imposter (slight credit to Kipling) that it is. Recognize that that anger is really your fear or disappointment. And those only have to do with you, no one else. Recognize and accept that and you can find a calm leader within you.
Thank you. Well said. I want to create positive memories like that, for sure.
March 30th, 2020 at 11:22 AM ^
Agree completely with the concepts of anger, and it is not in conflict with what you see in scripture, as Paul writes in Ephesians 4:26 that you may "Be angry and do not sin..." Anger is a normal human emotion and it is not inherently a sin. It is, however, not a generally healthy thing, either, as BoFan points out, and could result in sin.
NeverPunt's comments may be at the source of some of the anger (stress, distraction, empty tank, etc.), but I think it all stems back to insecurities and fears you are feeling which manifests in outward anger and frustration.
Address the root causes of those insecurities and fears - I know, easier said than done.
I'll share two things that have helped me.
The first is doing my Bible in one year plan. I started this in January so it predates the corona panic, but I've found that daily time in scripture reminds me at many moments throughout the day that I need to be more patient, more intentionally loving, more giving of myself, more diligent. I'm by no means perfect and still have periods of sulking and brooding, the outburst of anger, resentment/bitterness at the situation, but it's put into a different context. The fact that my wife is also doing a Bible in one year plan with her girlfriends (different plan from mine) is also nice since we can talk and commiserate about the repetitiveness of Numbers, Leviticus, and Deuteronomy, for example.
The other is getting together with my friends on Zoom/bluejeans/whatever. Most of these are friends I usually see at church, small group, or during the week, but can no longer due to the shelter in place order. We've set aside time to just hang out on zoom with the families (kids too - they love it), just the parents/adults, just the guys for virtual happy hour. It's a different way to stay connected and helps keep your sanity when you're so much more isolated from everyone except your family and co-workers.
good idea! uh...me...i committed to shakespeare in a year this year :)
(i have done the NT in greek if that gets me a lil back)
I remember a few years ago it was coming up on the 1st anniversary of my brother's death (which I wasn't consciously thinking of at that moment), but I had some day where it seemed all these small things built up and just made me absolutely pissed. I was walking home and thinking, "Damn. What's wrong with me? Those things weren't THAT bad." Then I remembered it would be that day in just a couple days and realized that was starting to get to me. Immediately made me calmer about the things that had annoyed me. Maybe a small thing, and I'm not a parent so I can't give much specific advice about that, but I really think just taking stock of your emotions and what's going on in your life at that time and just being aware of it all helps you take a step back and see things for what they are instead of getting sucked into this cycle of having something annoying or bad happen and automatically lashing out and likely compounding things. Not just that time, I've noticed it at other times as well, but that time really stuck with me.
That's a good observation, thank you. It's like the week after Christmas every week now...so hard to know what day this is and what things are and aren't getting through.
My wife's parents are bugging me. They're in their 80s and are stuck with us until COVID-19 is over. All they do is eat and sleep and they do not want to do any chores. So far I have not lost my cool but her Father thinks I should get a part-time job to make more money. He's been trying to get us to buy him a new pick-up truck (may be that why he needs me to make more money).
Oh goodness. Maybe they need to hear a bit of anger from you to know where the limits are?
Not sure if your wife has already spoken to them regarding the push to get an extra job and not helping with chores, but when my in-laws need to be put in their place or told to back off, my wife starts that process. If it persists, that’s where I come in. They are more willing to listen to my wife, she’s their daughter so duh, but I’m as blunt as a hammer so they know something is seriously wrong if I chime in after awhile.
Also, why the eff does an 80+ year old man need a truck, let alone a new truck? Are they active for their age? I know if my 88 year old grandpa bought a new truck it would be a lawn ornament because they rarely go out and he doesn’t project or anything.
March 30th, 2020 at 11:02 AM ^
No that big a deal. I will buy my 3 year old a new car if he is being especially good. Matchbox cars and trucks are only a dollar. Just pick one up next time you are out. No need to get a second job.
Not to be "pop psych" but I'm a certified Pos Discipline educator and parent facilitator. They are offering free webinars. Starting tonight. I think it would be worth your time. They offer some practical solutions and tools for parenting.
That's awesome, thank you!
Just remember they didn't choose to enter this world and participate in what we call life. You did. Don't be the guy who forces an entity into existence against it's will and then be pissy when they don't meet your arbitrary unknowable standards for maintaining your good mood.
This take is suspiciously lucid and prescient for our resident drunken koala. I am concerned.
there's a quote from an old movie, something like "don't blame us when we didn't turn out to be the perfection you wanted. we didn't ask to be brought into the world."
...this was coming from a row of books accusing their author :)
there's another quote from a comedian that goes something like, 'i brought you into this world, and i can take you out!'
Robin Williams, IIRC.
How are things being balanced between you and your spouse? I used to have a major anger problem with my kids (now 6 and 3). I can't recall the incident, but at some point my wife asked me at some point, "why are you doing this?" I have since found a much better balance. My 3yo son is very... let's say passionate. He is a real pain in the ass most days, and has been ever since he was around six months old.
But I discovered that matching his intensity level only made things worse. Making the above-mentioned change made my parenting more effective and persuasive. I had an awful day at work on Friday, and he was independently having one of his worst days as well. I lost my cool with him a bit and it just spiraled into a horrible tantrum on his part. (He deserved to be punished, but I wasn't patient/calm enough.)
Now, my wife has an anger issue (generally), and I have noticed that it has intensified greatly during these last two weeks. She's going off on the children frequently, yelling at them with seemingly minimal provocation. I've told her that I've noticed this, but no real change in behavior yet. And I'm worried it will only get worse. I've already had to ask her to leave the room a few times so I can calm the situation.
Basically, this is a challenging time for all, and I think first you need to forgive yourself first and foremost. The fact that you're noticing the temper is the most important thing. It means you can do something about it. Maybe try the Daniel Tiger thing? (Feeling mad /want to roar / take a deep breath / count to four)
And remember that even if you were the (mythical) perfect parent, your kids would still be having a very hard time now. No friends, no adventure, and parents have to work, giving them far less attention than usual. They're not going to be at their best for a while...
Honest to God, going to try the Daniel Tiger thing, with which I was heretofore unfamiliar.
Thank you for an honest and helpful appraisal.
i'm not a yeller, never have been. i can however be sharp in my tone occasionally. two quick things and an example. first, exercise to me sets my day up well. there are too many reasons to list, but whatever you can muster, especially first thing in the morning, get after it. your head will be better for it. second, only you get to pick your attitude, but ultimately you have complete control. if you feel your attitude going south do something else for a minute. go outside, go walk, go do a yard chore, do something that isn't the intense focus that would have you drill down, making a small problem into a big problem.
one example from 10+ yrs ago. i was in the barn with the two oldest boys and we were hustling to get things done. they were (and are) good kids, but at the time they were maybe 9 and 6 respectively, maybe 10 and 7. i was being impatient with them and my tone was sharp, too sharp. i realized my attitude was my problem. so i stopped what we were doing, called them over to me and i told them my tone was wrong, i was wrong, and i apologized to them and asked them to forgive me, which of course they did. took a deep breath, hugged them, finished the chores. none of the three of us have forgotten that day, and in fact it came up a few weeks ago in a different context.
and yeah, as one homeschooling dad to another, to whom much is given, much is expected. raise them up in the way that they should go, and when they get older they will not depart from it. and Jm 1:19-20.
tone is SO important. SO important, it's true. and I think you're exactly right that we need to be unafraid to admit when we're wrong in front of them and not double down.
(you know, to be honest, when I posted this, I thought that you specifically would have some great insight for me. thank you.)
the joke (all humor has some truth) in our house is that 'if daddy starts walking fast, something bad is going to happen', meaning, i better not be about to have to ask to have one of them do something for a second time, or some predator is too close to the cows or hen house, something along those lines.
XM - you are so dead on with regards to the taking the understanding, time and effort to apologize when having been in the wrong as a parent. I have had to do that twice in my life with my 8 year old so far. The amazing relationship we have today is partly because of those two situations. He knows Dad will recognize and admit when I was the one at fault even though he paid the price for it in the moment.
I also parent by the phrase "I asked you once, I asked you twice, the third time won't be nice." I've found it to be a good tool for me to be patient and for the kids to realize I have been fair and now it is their choice as to why Dad is upset.
you are nicer than i am. if i have to ask twice there's already a problem that could entail 'daddy walking fast', and nobody wants that! kidding aside, first time obedience is the expectation and the usual, but not perfect, response.
I can empathize with your situation, and am happy to provide a bit of advice. A lot of my anger and actions toward my children came, I discovered, from a past history of abuse, which I've written about on a previous thread here. However, I continue to realize that my father's anger toward me (and my grandfather's anger toward him) also had an effect on my demeanor. Through continuing therapy and other practices, I've finally come through the other side of being angry all the time.
It was only through therapy and a lot of study around mindfulness that I was able to be at peace with my anger. And if you want one soundbyte, it's this: For so long, I saw my anger as something to be controlled. What I'm realizing is, I can never control my anger; I have to be okay with having angry feelings and work through them in a different way.
A meditation teacher who I highly respect puts it this way - think of any emotion as a pattern of sensations in the body. Try to be still and learn what those sensations are when you're feeling a specific emotion, and be at ease with those sensations. Through time, you can start to connect those sensations to the ways in which you react to them, which can begin the process of transformation. As I started to really focus on what would happen in my body when I'd get angry, I was able to gradually be okay with what was happening. (In my case, the bodily sensations were also the same as those I experienced during my episode of abuse, so through counseling, I've been able to connect a lot of things mentally, in ways which my brain had been ignoring previously.)
Anyway, that's probably an over-simplistic way of describing my 40+ years of life, but the point is, try to not focus on controlling your anger, but rather with what is happening in your body at the time you're angry. If you need to take a walk, leave the house, scream into a pillow, whatever, in order for connect with those bodily sensations until they subside, that can also be helpful. However, I cannot say enough about finding a trained professional who can help you work through your anger, especially if you feel like it might be affecting you or your loved ones' health and safety. A lot of them are working virtually these days, and they can be immensely helpful.
If you're into reading about what I've just described, as well as working through some thought and behavioral exercises that will help drive a lot of this home, I'd highly recommend Siegel and Hartzell: Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive.
Wow. Thank you. As you were describing the process I could already walk myself through the sensations--the stiffening, etc. This is terrifically helpful.
I drove to get dinner yesterday and it was amazing to just be alone for a few minutes. Load up some music and go for a drive by yourself. It will help. Or just shout obscenities in the car or something. It's the best.