PSA--Dealing with temper during this time of Home Rule
Mods, feel free to delete or move, but tonight I kind of felt called in case someone else out there needs to hear it; plus I'm hoping there are some words of wisdom out there (well I'm sure there are this is michigan fergodsakes).
I know not everyone here is male, though most are; and not all of those are fathers, though something close to a majority there, it seems. So perhaps a plurality of users here. ("Some of us are fathers; all of us are sons.")
I have been struggling (more) with my temper, roughly corresponding to more time with my children. I hate admitting that, but it's true. [What makes it somewhat ironic is that with a fairly laissez-faire job (~35 hrs a week) and as a homeschooling family before this, I spend a lot of time with them anyway.]
But this time has been different, noticeably so (to myself and my spouse and surely to the children). The children are small (combined they are less than 15 years old), so nothing they do is even that bad! I have been raising my voice more frequently, even yelling over quasi-nothings. Worse, I brood around the house and that sets the tone, even 'casts a spell' over the house, as it were.
I guess what I'm after with this is twofold:
- If this strikes a little close to home, know you're not alone. It probably happens to more of us than not. But neither is that an excuse for succumbing to our vices. I need to choose building a relationship over attempting to exert control. I cite--not at all as evangelization, simply as the proverbial image that dogs me--the servant in Matthew chapter 18, who is forgiven the huge debt but on his way home literally shakes down another person over a pittance. Ouch.
- If this is something with which you have contended, what are some tips or advice you might have to share? I have been in the past one to get up and drive away, which is less successful with small impressionable people around, never mind a quarantine. I've carefully regulated when and how much I drink, if at all. No need to play pop-psychologist, but if you've been able to tame this demon, i'd sure appreciate your thoughts.
I’d rather get the rona now so I don’t have to worry about it for the rest of my life.
I’m right there with you. I’ve had some not so proud melt downs over the years. Wish I could take them back. But alas it still happens sometimes and usually for dumb reasons and always due to my pride getting hurt when I take the kids to Disney or someplace only to have them act ungrateful in some way. It’s like I’m building a house of cards, and rare is the day that one of my kids or wife doesn’t knock it down. So I try not to build houses of cards and go with the flow. But it’s a constant challenge especially now. My wife will always ask me , “ did you do that when you were their age?”. The answer is always, yes.
oooof. too true. too, true. thank you.
Going for a walk has really helped me. My kids are 2 and 4 and one or both are screaming about something for much of the day and I just need a moment to get away for a second. Even a short one of 15 minutes helps my mental well being a lot. Have you tried meditation? It sounds new agey, but it really works when you're stressed. Just need somewhere quiet, close your eyes and try to clear your thoughts.
First off, this is an understandable reaction. When have we as individuals, and even as a country, been under this kind of pressure? Uncertainty has always struck me as the most frightening thing, and currently, it's everywhere. Add to that a dramatic reduction in parts of our lives we used to enjoy on a daily basis and, yeah... people will be upset.
To take the edge off, I HIGHLY recommend limiting your news intake. This coming week isn't going to be easy. It's worth checking in on, but there are pretty sharply diminishing returns. I limit myself to 1 hour of news per day, and it's helping.
I try to stretch out lightly every morning. There's some sort of connection between mental and physical tension (and back again), so breaking this up can help. The McGill Big Three are what I use: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6cigPtzXX0 They're about halfway between stretch and exercise and take a maximum of 10 minutes.
I'll warn you right now this next one is hokey. I didn't take it seriously even while doing it everyday for weeks. Guided Meditation. Nobody told me that meditation is actually hard, and you have to work at it. You get out what you put in, so if you come to it with a mindset of, "what's this hokey new-age bullshit really gonna do?" then it will not work. Give it an honest chance and you may be surprised. I have more than 1 chronic condition that I thought would make meditation useless for me. I was very, extremely wrong. When I started, I could only do 10 seconds, so know that it'll be slow going, but it's worth it. And what else are you doing with your time? These links, and others like it, help get you started. https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/mindful-meditations
Finally, remember that the only thing we really have in the midst of this is each other.
Awareness is good. Be mindful, patient, and let shit go that normally you wouldn’t.
I saw a short piece on TV that suggested four "Ms" of good mental.
Move: Exercise. This is a big one for me, I usually run but also row on a machine and lift weights. It takes me away from the kids for a while and makes me feel better in more ways than I can explain here.
Meaningful Interaction: Be social. This means expanding your interactions to people outside of your house. Zoom has made this easier. I also have a continuing text thread with four neighborhood friends.
Mastery: Do something you are good at or would like to be good at. For me it's guitar, which I would like to be good at.
Mindfulness: Do something that clears your head. Some people meditate. This is the step I'm currently neglecting.
It sounds like isolation is going to continue for a long time. That sounds dreadful to some but if you use the time for real change in habits you might be able to use the time to develop real life changing habits.
There's a lot of good advice in this thread, and I don't have anything particularly insightful to add. But I will say that there is a lot of outside stress going on in everyone's life right now. However you manage it, manage it. Try different ways - as many as you need to try before finding something that works. And remember that there are medications for anxiety that do wonders! Something to take the edge off can help you find some relief mechanism that works, if you're having trouble finding something. A lot of the anger I've read about in this thread seems like nothing more than anxiety showing its ugly face. Some more so, or less so, than others, but mostly seem anxiety related.
I recognize the pattern easily because my wife has significant anxiety, to the point where she is on anti-anxiety meds every day. I realize a LOT of people take these (the 'script cost is cheap, way cheap), and they work. Just enough to take the edge off, not too much. One of the issues people complain about is that they feel numb to the world, like a robot. I suspect most of them are taking too much...
Doctors offices are doing a lot of telehealth stuff right now - talk to you doc if you feel this course might help.
Damn dude.....I'm a father of 6, and you're statement in #1 is so right on the money! Cheers to you man!
This is a valuable thread with lots of sensible suggestions for dealing with the inevitable stresses of a situation that none of us have ever had to deal with.
I don't have any notable insight of my own to offer, but as somebody with a vile, nasty temper, I can benefit from many of the suggestions myself. There are more than a few instances in the past that I'm not proud of, to put it mildly.
Just want to say we all have those instances and threads like this are a reminder that you aren’t alone in having them or wanting to be better.
If you grew up with angry parents or people around you who had poor coping strategies for their emotions, especially, it’s easy to relive old patterns and habits. So often I find I’m using harsh tone or being a little too hard on them it’s actually the same way I’m hard on myself. Chances are if you shit on yourself for things you do wrong you do it to others too. How you do anything is how you do everything. Being kind to yourself is step one for a lot of people.
Life doesn’t come with a manual and we are all dealt the hands we were given, but we can change, grow, and be better. Forgiving yourself and wanting to grow is half the battle.
Read, Mindset, the new psychology of success by Carol Dweck.
The view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life. Two mindsets: fixed vs growth mindset.
fixed mindset: you believe you are what you are, and spend a great deal of effort proving that...can see where this will put your self and I in conflict
growth: Is not Inate, you develop through experience, people and circumstances...
great news: you can completely change your mindset.
highly recommend
What an excellent, honest, and timely post. Thank you. I'll take a lot of the advice here and put it to good use.
March 30th, 2020 at 10:19 AM ^
OP, I wouldn’t get too upset with yourself if I were you. Your kids have been getting on my nerves, too.
...TRIGGERED
jk
i think
March 30th, 2020 at 10:28 AM ^
It's funny because just a few months ago, maybe around the New Year, I was wondering when and how we'd see a situation again where our whole life is affected by a large meta event outside our control. It's one of those things I always knew would eventually happen but not when.
The reason I thought of it was some history reading I had done over the holidays. In history such events seemed to occur about once or twice a century and sometimes more often.
The reason I am bringing this up is because one way for me to take the 'edge' of the situation is the realization that even though we did not anticipate this crisis, and it's been some time, as a society we've been there. And it helps for me to acknowledge that indeed we are better placed than ever before to deal with it. We can still communicate, many of us can still work, we still have easy access to leisure even luxury goods. My grandparents saw their homes destroyed, years of their lives spent fighting wars, experienced famine and social collapse during the wars of the 20th century. I feel like what is asked of us right now is not all that much. That helps me refocus and keep the 'stiff upper lip'.
March 30th, 2020 at 10:53 AM ^
Weather has been annoying with timing. I am working from home, which means I am in meetings for most of the day. When I am "done" around 5 I always plan to take kids outside and get energy out. Multiple times last week, it began to rain at that time and this weekend it rained most of the day.
I have 4 that are 7 and under. Kids are used to daycare and school, to play with friends and get their energy out, on top of playing sports most nights and weekends.
My driving stress to get places and drop offs and pick ups is way down, but I feel bad that my energetic kids are not getting time with their friends and getting their pent up energy properly out.
four that are 7 and under here too! whoop whoop holla
in all seriousness, on september 10 they will collectively be older than my Focus, so there's that
March 30th, 2020 at 11:31 AM ^
As I've posted elsewhere, having young kids significantly ratchets up the stress of this whole situation. My wife and I joke how nice it would be right now without kids: relax and watch Netflix all day, finally read those books collecting dust on the shelf, organize the house, maybe do some light projects, learn to play piano. This is what my younger, childless colleagues are doing. Must be nice.
I feel terrible for the kids, because they're not getting nearly what they need in terms of education, social interaction, exercise, etc. On top of that, they're stuck with over-stressed parents. I'm worried that if this goes on for several months, they will regress a bit, forget their friends, etc. Obviously kids are extremely resilient, so it's not a huge worry. But no one in my house is particularly happy right now.
I was hoping we would confirm that children aren't very susceptible to the virus, and that they don't really spread it either, and then day cares and schools could reopen as a first step, but that doesn't seem likely.
March 30th, 2020 at 12:05 PM ^
I'm definitely not perfect, but a couple of things that have helped me out from time to time:
- Studies have shown that practicing gratitude can lower cortisol (the stress hormone) by 20%+. You get to be a dad. You get to be a husband. You don't have to do anything, you get to do it all. Be thankful for that, when many others who want those things don't have that privilege. When your kids/spouse are getting on your nerves, take a step back and remember them at their best and you will feel better. On top of that, offer yourself the same level of grace.
- Life is really about three things: "The preparation for...", "The participation in...", and "The recollection of..." The most popular is "the recollection of..." Make the memories count, all the other stuff doesn't really matter. Who cares if they made a mess or yelled--it won't matter in 15 minutes, 15 days, or 15 years.
I admire your humility, and the fact that you care enough to post about it with strangers says a lot about your character and the way you view your role as a dad.
March 30th, 2020 at 12:23 PM ^
Great post. I can confirm that trying to be more mindful and appreciative of all the good has been good for my well-being. Times are crazy, but there's lots to be thankful for. Something like this could help some looking to get some tips on practicing gratitude...
Also, though maybe unrelated, I've always liked this...
thank you for this; thank you sincerely.
(especially considering you're like Silent Bob on here!)
March 30th, 2020 at 12:19 PM ^
Cabin fever, aka going stir crazy, is a real thing. Try to get outside for a walk every day. Avoid crowds, etc., but we need to get some sunshine.
Thank you, one and all, for some very helpful insights and discussion.
I'm humbled. Been a very good day so far thanks largely to your suggestions.
I too have a quick trigger. Here’s a formula that’s helped me through the years:
most people:
situation occurs -> reaction -> outcome of situation and reaction
what I try:
situation -> decide on my desired outcome -> react to situation to achieve outcome
I fail often, but I try to deal with my kids this way, both for the immediate aftermath and their long term well being and upbringing.
Mom here. Even without this insane situation, it's very easy to lose patience with your kids. I know I have a few instances I'd like to have back. I found that those times gave me the opportunity to show my kids how to apologize by apologizing to them for losing my temper. I didn't make a big deal. I just explained that I overreacted and that it wasn't their fault and that I was sorry. And then we moved on. My kids are still teenagers but I hope it rubbed off on them.
Hey, if you need someone to vent to, we can exchange emails and then I can email you my number or something so you can just text me and we can work on calming you down. I have friends that help me with that stuff when my wife or daughter piss me off. Or work or whatever else, obviously. But if you feel you need some help or an outlet, I’d be willing to work with you as best we can