OT: Handling sobriety

It gets easier. I’m 13 months alcohol free, and I did have a serious problem. When things get too much, I eat half a weed gummy. Or I take a walk or get some other kind of exercise or engage in a hobby. I know myself, and know I can’t live in reality 100% of the time, so that gummy helps for sure. Also, tell all your friends you don’t drink anymore, especially your drinking buddies. They’ll understand and it takes a load off your shoulders. 

Good for you. Keep it up. 

Back in 2013 I woke up on a Wednesday morning feeling like crap because I'd had too much to drink, again, the night before. I decided I would just stop ... draw a bright line and not cross it ... and one day became two, and two became four, and now it's been more than nine years. It was the right thing for me. Maybe it is for you as well. Best wishes!

 "don't start over, keep that counter ticking"

Challenge yourself to see how long you can go . To make it interesting or to help you continue, challenge your friends on Facebook . Make it a friendly contest .

IMO if something is drawing you to quitting entirely, then maybe it's a "problem" for you at some level that you haven't quite articulated. You say you "like it a little bit too much." What does that mean for you? How does that manifest itself?

It's totally fine to go sober without having a huge flameout and preferable that you go sober before you end up in trouble with the law. Though there's an obvious caveat that "trouble with the law" doesn't necessarily indicate a problem either, just that drug laws are unevenly applied and you're an old-ish rich white guy and therefore unlikely to be in the crosshairs of the cops.

Even a daily habit if it feels compulsive can be unsettling, or if your social life means you put pressure on yourself to drink/smoke/etc but might not actually want to all the time. So if you're feeling great sober and there was something about your previous usage that was causing you concern or anxiety, I'd say go with the sobriety for now and see if you feel more liberated after a while. Sometimes it's nice to have an categorical excuse to point to (I'm sober vs. I don't feel like drinking) when making a big change like this too.

sounds like keeping that tally growing is meaningful to you..... so that's your answer and good on you!!

I don't drink during lent.... that's my annual 'self-check'.  I enjoy bourbon and craft beer, an occasional glass of wine with a nice meal, so I don't see any reason to not, but its a good sacrifice for me personally.  

good on you.

i would say that if your thoughts are turned that much toward drinking and MJ, then you have a problem or on the precipice of a problem and you are showing great discipline.  i know this won't be popular, but MJ has gone from not-much to mind-blowing this last decade or so and there's a growing body of research saying it's not the no-problem drug some would say it is. 

hopefully maturity and discipline increase with age, though not for all of us.  keep trying on that sobriety and see how far you get.   maybe set a day way out in the future, or a 'if michigan wins the B10 again, then i'll allow myself [small, reasonable amount] a drink then'.   i bet when that day comes you'll be inclined to say, 'nah, i like the streak i'm on and don't want to start at 0'.  

EDIT:  and i have just looked at the most of the subsequent posts here of personal stories, many of them pretty deep, and a lot of wisdom being shared.  consider this an 'atta boy/girl' to those many responses. 

Well, life is really about having fun and gaining utility from your days that you have left.  Could you live a longer life by not doing any of those things?  Most certainly, yes.  However, how much utility/enjoyment will you have when you're 88 years old?  My view is to have a little bit more fun now while you're still young.  I'm 42 and recently have cut down considerably on alcohol.  For me, instead of going completely "sober", I don't drink at all M-TH.  A few Friday, usually a bit heavier on Saturdays (4-6?) and then a few on Sunday as a weekend cool down.  As for the rec pot use, I'm a 2x a week smoker.

I moderate to what I consider an reasonable amount and if it shaves off a little bit of time at the end at the expense of more fun now...? so be it.  Now, the exception here is that if you're unable to control yourself and moderate, then I'd say quitting altogether would be recommended.  

I think there are more people who abstain from substances than you might realize. It just is a personal choice that you can't or shouldn't force on others. Perhaps for that reason, so many people who abstain don't talk much about it. I have a slightly odd kind of abstinence:  I neither drink or smoke socially, but have a sip of communion wine a couple times a month. For me, that keeps me from being at all  legalistic about not drinking, even though for all practical purposes, I abstain.

I also realize that different people are different in terms of addictions. My adopted daughter started in 9th grade with Xanax, then cocaine and crack, then heroin as a HS senior. Thankfully, she's been sober for more than a year, but I know it is hard for her. Addiction is a much more difficult challenge for my daughter than it is for me. NA and AA have been a huge help in her situation. I also have been personally helped by Al Anon. As mentioned in the thread above, this isn't for everyone, given the philosophical underpinnings.

Hope your journey of sobriety continues to go well. It does seem to me that it would be good for you to have a live person or two to talk with on this topic.

LawIright,

I’m curious what emotions are behind your thoughts about staying sober?

what emotions might be contributing to your thoughts when you go harder and have a bit too much? 

those might be clues to bigger motivations for you to stay sober forever or go in another direction. 

I’m not a counselor or anything but I can relate to the experience connecting my thoughts to what I’m actually feeling and realizing it was the feeling driving the behavior. Feelings aren’t good or bad but understanding your own might help you decide what you really want. 

2 1/2 years sober. I read Alan Carr’s book on quitting drinking, which reorientated my perception with drinking. Haven’t missed drinking - even at parties. 

If you’re asking yourself these questions and posting on a public forum, you already know what you need to do. 

Logged in for the first time in years because this is almost exactly my life. Seems like you have a reasonable handle on things. 
 

I pretty much only drink in social settings or to compliment a meal, smoke to wind down or have a low key evening, and I share a lot of the same feelings, overall. Could I go without alcohol or other substances pretty much cold? Yes, fairly easily. But I also enjoy it and think part of being an adult is growing through responsibility, including treating almost everything in life with moderation - from alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. on one end (of what people traditional consider those things) to work, exercise, religion, sports, family, etc. on the other end. Too much of anything does not seem like a healthy lifestyle, at least from my perspective. 
 

Be responsible about what you’ve taken on responsibility for in life and find a happy medium to enjoy the other things. Sounds like you’re pretty much there and continue to occasionally evaluate where you stand. The fact you’re introspective about it before being forced to by external factors is a great sign.

I don't know you but it seems to me a good step that you want to talk about it.

And a good step to ask MGoBlog. My initial thought was that this group is too jokey or combative, and too focused on sports. Also, it's somewhat impersonal as few of us actually know any of the rest.

However, your post got me thinking, made me realize what should have been obvious: this is mostly a good and caring group. 

Good luck.

I quit chewing cold turkey like 6 years ago after a can every 2 day habit (ONE HUGE DIP A DAY). I dont know why I stopped? Maybe because my wife hated it, maybe because I just didnt like having something control me on a daily basis?

I think what motivates me the most is control. I love drinking, but I rarely do it anymore because I like to maintain control. Plus the hangovers are truly a bitch once you get in your 30s. 

Sometimes its nice just to see the world again without anything influencing our brain chemistry. Give your adrenals a break and cut out caffeine for a week also. There are supplements you can take to help offset the headache, but its worth it and it makes that CUP of coffee much much better in the future. 

I can relate a little and have dabbled with the idea of doing a sober period and seeing how I feel. 
 

I’m a 31 year old married dad with a successful career, home owner etc etc. Drinking has never caused any major issues in my life however as a new dad I just get anxious that something bad could happen and I’d be failing my son and wife.  I fall on that borderline of “heavy” consumption where most weeks I’ll have 10-13 drinks (aka 5-6 craft beers with higher abv).  This is lower than my level of consumption from 18-25 where it was heavier for sure, and I just worry about the effects of another 20 years of drinking at this “borderline” level. 

Anyways, thanks for the topic and refreshing this in my head as something to potentially change. 
 

i can't speak to your life, or what will or won't work for you, but i did it because i fell into the orbit of someone who went to daily AA meetings. 

we were co-workers, and she knew i was drinking too much.  she never suggested that i go, but she did tell me that she had been clean and sober for several years.  i called her the morning after i spent my first, and hopefully only, night in jail; she said she was going to a meeting at noon, and she could give me a ride if i wanted.  a few sober days (and lunchtime meetings with her as my chauffeur and chair neighbor) later, i remember telling her that "i don't want to quit drinking forever, i just want to quit for a while."  she smiled, and reminded me that there was going to be a meeting at noon that day, and she'd give me a ride if i wanted one.

she never, not once, pushed me, she just made sure she was around, just...available.  and that was what i needed at that point.

i don't do meetings as much anymore (it's been 17 years, now), but i definitely needed those meetings early on, to remind me of what i was fighting.

as to your general question:

Today is 21 days of sobriety for me. I'm not sure what to do next. 

the answer is simple, if cliched:  get to day 22.  it's really just that simple.  it gets easier, and it gets better.  SO MUCH.

be well, friend.

Good for you, congratulations.

I am in a very similar boat as you in terms of my relationship with alcohol and I've abstained more this year than any year since I started using alcohol (about 16 years old so about 25 years ago).  I don't use MJ, for the record.

Like you, I don't have a glaring "problem" with alcohol, but my desire to use less (or none) is mostly health related.  It's literally poison and the negative health impacts are substantial, with the research becoming more and more clear. I binge drank a lot in my late teens and 20s and fear that the cumulative impact may be impacting my mental health. I get anxious more frequently than when I was younger, which I think is potentially from changing brain chemistry (which alcohol does), or maybe it's the stresses of family life and more work responsibility but probably a combination.

It also occasionally makes me testy with my family (unacceptable to me) and I could do without the occasional hangovers which don't make me my best version of myself either.

For me, the barrier is 100% social / ritualistic.  It just feels easy and natural when I'm hanging out with other friends that are all drinking.  It's such a part of our culture.  I don't crave alcohol 97% of the time, but when I'm in social drinking situations I find myself almost subconsciously having 4, 5, 6 or more drinks barely even realizing it. 

I'm much better at cutting myself off when I feel drunk before going way overboard like I did was when I was younger.  But those 4, 5, 6 drinks (as opposed to 10+ like I used to do) still leave me with a hangover and regret that I didn't need the last three.

I'm trying to limit myself to no more than one in any sitting but it's probably easier to just abstain completely, because like Frank the Tank says, once it hits your lips...it's so good! And I do have fun while drinking!

As for the social aspect, I went to a concert a couple weeks ago and declined drinks when my group was buying beer (aside: I don't deserve too much credit for this decision because it was partly that I was still hungover from a few drinks the night before).

One of the people I was with (who is a friend of a friend and more of an acquaintance) was like, hey, why aren't you drinking?  And gave me a hard time about it a couple instances as though we were 20 years younger and he was peer pressuring me (one of the reasons I've never had the desire to be real friends with this person).

It is sad that people would do that, for no other reason than perhaps feel better about their own drinking, and I've tried to cut those people out of my life where I can.  I'm limiting my social circle to the kind of people that would be supportive of decisions I make.

But as an aside (to the aside...to the aside? I'm rambling), my decision to abstain that night empowered another person we were with to also abstain when he probably would have gone with the crowd otherwise (he declined additional beers after seeing that I declined the first one the group bought).  And when I did dry January, a surprising number of people were like, that's awesome I am too, or revealed themselves to be sober altogether.  So there is a larger community and I think it's becoming more the norm.

Again, good for you.

Good for you for articulating all of this! I want to start by echoing daveheal and others who wrote that you definitely know something negative is going on, or else you wouldn't have posted this. I'd also like to echo another poster who said you have a good handle on your situation. So, I think you're in a pretty good spot. 

I have had struggles with alcohol for much of my adult life, using it most of all as a stress reliever / escape type-thing. At about age 35, though, I got tired of acting like an ass due to too much drinking and also dealing with the hangovers afterward. Focusing on that -- the negative effects -- made it easier to cut back. Now, I go a little overboard on vacation, but that's it. I feel much better about myself and my life. 

As for you, I hope you are able to make the choices you desire!

If your recreational alcohol and drug use are not negatively impacting your family and your health,  then why stop doing something you enjoy?  Just because certain elements deem them to be bad? No need to continue those things either if you don't want,  but no need to make it a big deal unless sobriety is necessary for you.

My UM legacy son has a good childhood friend (close to our family) who turned to cannabis after his father died several years ago. Kid barely graduated law school and is now unable to pass the bar.

He smokes daily. He was fired from his first post law school job for "not demonstrating an ability to learn the job". When I listen to him now, I can tell that there's a former spark that is missing, he's less sharp mentally, and he is letting go of his life ambitions and a necessary drive to succeed. All I hear now is Stoner Dude, someone who is (sadly) lost to my family. 

I can't tell you the chemistry of what is happening, won't ever meet you, so all I can suggest is that you stop putting chemical intoxicants in your system. And. If you're asking the question, there's a smart part of you that already knows the answer.

Good luck!

All I can tell you is my experience. I was a regular drinker (daily) for many years. I've never had a legal issue. I didn't get drunk in public. I didn't get drunk in front friends/family except for the occasional holiday party. In the back of my mind I knew my drinking was not normal. But, I could always justify it. 'I don't endanger other people' 'I don't make friends or family uncomfortable' 'I can stop anytime I want for a week, month, etc...' Then the pandemic hit. I was stuck at home with nothing to stay sober for. I was with my wife 24/7 for six weeks. It became impossible for me to keep my drinking hidden. I got into the UofM outpatient program and got the help I needed. 

TL;DR

I've been sober for nearly 2 years. I'm not an AA guy. I'm glad it helps a lot of people, it just wasn't what I needed. Smart Recovery was a better system for me. If you don't think you should start drinking/smoking again, then there's probably a good reason for that. Find some other people who are trying to stay sober. Find other ways to unwind, (meditation and yoga work for me) staying sober is about self-care, not just abstinence. I hope this helps.

It feels good to feel good.

One of my daughters said, "Dad, you are an insanely high-functioning alcoholic." That brings you to reality in a heartbeat. She suggested displacing alcohol with weed, which I used to enjoy in college, but time changes biology and it just isn't my thing anymore. Coca-related products are enjoyable, but they are just an occassional recreation and don't displace the alcohol. At this point I'm at the "ride it out a few decades until I check out" phase. Sorry for being a negative help to the OP.

Don’t give up the coffee if you like to poop. 

If you are posting about it you should probably give it up. Especially if it keeps you from being the best dad you can be (you didn’t say this but others have).

It seemed like when we were all parents of young kids here, in our 30s/40s, there were lots of similar parities and some over the top drinking.  Our kids are in HS now and those parties have all disappeared. I remember a number of situations back then where someone had too many followed by a crazy story.  I think people stop (or want to) when they wake up the next day regretting something. 

I gave up alcohol at the beginning of covid because it seemed like alcohol, pandemics, and home isolation were potentially a bad combination.  

I now still drink wine on occasion.  I drink coffee because I had a bad experience (see above) when I gave it up once.  I don’t do other drugs.  I believe life should be experienced and can be best enjoyed with all it’s ups and downs and not through some altered state (Though I did enjoy these while in Ann Arbor) or flatlined reality.  For me (and I should say not for everyone), the downs are necessary to enjoy the higher highs as long as we can recognize the imposter that they are. 

It seems where you are at, based on your description, is that you’ve discovered you enjoy life fully without the altered states.  I’d encourage you to keep it up. 
If you are the couple that throws the wild parties that may make if difficult. But don’t let that hold you back from being the person you want to be. 

For me, I believe being in right relationship with the people I love and care about is the primary point in life.

Talking with the people you love is often a great starting point. Maybe your life choices are impacting them and they aren't able to communicate that to you. Maybe they haven't ever thought about it. Unless you ask, you don't know. Talking with the people you care about and who care about you can be hard. If you are trying to be the best "you" you can be for them, it's well worth it.  

I got sober when I was 23 and I'm now 30. It's weird and hard for a while but it's easily the best thing I have ever done and I am so happy for it. Don't feel like I am missing out during football/holidays either. Find a community that supports you is vital in my opinion. I'm/we are here for you too!

I lost an older brother to alcoholism.  He had two failed marriages, job troubles, and alcohol was his way of self medicating to escape his troubles which never went away with this strategy.  He just couldn't get past where he was.  You seem pretty self aware and don't appear to be using substances to wallpaper over problems which is dangerous.

As long as "You control the drug and the drug doesn't control you", you should be good.  I did my share of drugs in high school and college, but I never let it get out of hand.  I stayed focused on my long term goals and priorities.

I enjoy a cocktail and a nice glass of wine with a good meal which is usually once a week.  Most nights I have a "bedtime beer" to wind down at the end of the day.  I just tell myself that's what I'm allowed and hold myself to it.  I'm also in my mid-60s and I really don't like or want that horrible morning after feeling after drinking too much.  As you move from your 30s to your 40s, a lot of things change.  The years bring some wisdom to the body.  You'll feel it, too.

I was never a huge drinker, but last spring I was at a point where I was having a drink about every day, and sometimes more.  In early summer I had surgery and had to stop for a few weeks during my recovery.  I’m now free to resume but I haven’t bothered, and find that I don’t really miss it.  I’ve dropped some bad weight and feel like my sleep is better.  Overall I feel healthier than I’ve been in a long time.

I might still have a drink in a social setting but don’t see myself buying any to consume at home for a while.