There will definitely be some sizzle in his career.
is there such a thing as an etsy genuis? if so, this is it.
Site note: I mean, I was gonna do a Dear Diary today, but then the first item became this thing…
As you may have heard, Dr. Hamlet III has committed to the Michigan offensive line. Uninformative portion follows:
|Global Pork||247 Comp.|
|3*, 5.7, #29 C,
|5*, #1 pork belly,
|5*, #1 PB
|4*, 96, #6 PB,
|3*, #84 OL,
Those who ranked him as an offensive lineman are all "wait 'n see." Of those who classify him as a pig, only the National Pork Producers Council among the major sites lists Hamlet as anything but ELITE ELITE ELITE. He'll have a chance to change that in a couple weeks at their annual World Pork Expo.
It's worth mentioning that Global Pork lists every hog in its Top 25 as a 5-star, but will extend that to the Top 50 by the time it releases its final herd report.
Let's start with the negative stuff shall we? Simmons:
STRENGTHS Pad Level Hoofwork Toughness Drive Blocking Skills
AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT Hip Flexibility Bipedalism Arm length OUTSIDE! DO THAT OUTSIDE!!!
Total hog! If there is any type of weakness in Hamlet's game at this time, it would be in his pass protection. He is solid there, but his biggest strength is run blocking right now. He drives opponents off the ball, he is excellent on the hoof, and he has that nasty streak you love in offensive linemen. Arm length and lateral quickness will limit his effectiveness. - Chad Simmons
This is echoed by Rivals' Mike Farrell($):
Powerful blocker who can get low and beat you off the hoof. Eats just about anything. Didn't use his hands much in drills, probably because he doesn't need to. Thrilled onlookers with a pitch perfect rendition of soliloquy.
Plays so low to the ground it's impossible for defensive linemen to get any leverage on him. Definite inside prospect since he doesn't possess the height to play tackle. High intelligence and build suggest a possible move to center. Not having hands will make snapping the ball a constant adventure, though.
As David Moosman showed Michigan can get by with a behooved ungulate at center, though it's hardly optimal. Anyway you see the theme across the services: Hamlet plays with excellent leverage, but is about 6 million years behind the rest of the OL in bipedalism experience and proper hand technique. Funk is going to have to start from scratch there.
Though an MSU graduate, according to his interview with 247's Steve Lorenz, Hamlet remains intensely loyal to Michigan ($):
HAMLET: "I'm still true blue through and through! You could even say I was weaned on maize and blue. Because I literally was weaned on a mix of feed corn and Blue Seal swine pellets." Hamlet told 247.
Lorenz also asked about his expectations and, well, he's probably not gonna be a playing time transfer:
247: How do you see your Michigan career playing out?
HAMLET: Oh, that's not up to me to decide. I'm going to go out there and compete, but my number one goal is to help the team any way I can. I'm here to get a Michigan degree, and to do whatever I can to help Michigan win football games, pure and simple. We've got an excellent, excellent group of linemen coming in and some of the best all time on hand right now, so I know it's gonna be tough to earn snaps. I embrace the challenge, and I think it will make us all better the more guys we have competing—if I bust my piggly tail for four years and that just makes another guy try harder to keep his job, then that's what I came for.
Humble, this guy. As you've come to expect from like every recruit in the Brady Hoke era ever, he's a wild animal on the field yet the kind of person you want in your home:
Everyone I talk to says he's just a fantastic guy. Really wants to learn, does neat tricks.
Hoke recruits, man.
DOCTOR OF WHAT?
Despite being less than 3 years old, Hamlet already has a Ph.D./MD from the Van Andel Educational Institute, through Michigan State. He explains how he came by that doctorate:
"Coming out of high school Michigan was obviously my first choice, but State was really the only college accepting applications from farm animals. I was planning on getting my bachelor's degree in Agricultural Resource Economics but a professor there turned me on to Gastroenterology and it was love at first endoscopy.
"After one digestive performance they said I was a natural and put me in the doctoral program and I graduated in a few months. It was pretty easy, to be honest. "
Because he technically graduated from high school just a year ago, Hamlet still has all four years of eligibility remaining.
Dr. Hamlet III is a Vietnamese, better known as a "pot-bellied pig." As such he has the distinctive tall forehead, high ears and straight tail. He also appears to have the breed's distinctive swayed back (and corresponding pot belly that gives the species its name). His bloodlines suggest he can put on a LOT of weight, and his food intake will need to be closely monitored.
The sites agree that he's between 3'2" and 3'3", and between 90-100 lbs. That's about normal for his breed at this stage in life. He should be able to hang a good 20-30 more pounds on that frame.
MSU, Nebraska, Iowa State, and Thorn Apple Valley. Reported interest from Wisconsin but committed before an offer materialized. Pork bellies have been steady at record highs since 2011.
Pigs and offensive linemen don't have stats.
FAKE 40 TIME
247 lists a non-food-aided 40 time of 32.25 seconds, but he was reportedly clocked at 28.22 seconds when a can of creamed corn was placed at the finish line. Since I just completely made that up just now it receives five FAKES out of five.
A Vine of Hamlet eating out of Kyle Kalis's belly button has been taken down, but this screenshot still remains:
Also: Junior highlights.
PREDICTION BASED ON FLIMSY EVIDENCE
Obvious redshirt as he gains weight, adjusts to real college life from the farm/East Lansing, and gains instruction on bipedal locomotion. From there, who knows. May never develop more than an okay pass protection game, or opposable thumbs. High character, non-academic risk, seems 100% committed to Michigan, so not going to hurt the APR even if he doesn't work out. Best guess is four-year Academic All-American who'll provide much-needed depth at center, with an outside shot at starting his senior year. Otherwise he'll be an important member of the position group and an expert on blocking assignments. Every team needs a third-generation doctoral pig center.
UPSHOT FOR THE REST OF THE CLASS
(Mathlete goes into greater detail). Dr. Hamlet III turned down purely academic scholarships in order to walk on the Michigan team, so he won't count against the 85 limit (his life expectancy is several years shorter than the length of his FAFSA loan). Adding a hyperintelligent pig makes the entire position group more awesome. Michigan players have been warned not to leave any impermissible benefits out where he can get into them.
ETC. Children of Yost wonder if he can skate too.
There will definitely be some sizzle in his career.
All Sizzle, no Steak!
June is nigh. NFM
he must take care to stay on the right side of the training table.
Funniest thing I've read in a while. Well done Seth.
The only pictures I've ever seen of DH3 are of him eating. With that kind of commitment he should be able to put on the needed weight in no time.
You can never get the time back spent on writing this post.
But why would you want to? This kind of breaking story only comes along once, maybe twice, in a blogger's career.
That'll do, Pig. That'll do.
That'll do piggly, that'll do.
This is so perfectly done.
Always, always a sucker for David Moosman jokes. Hilarious stuff.
OUTSIDE! DO THAT OUTSIDE!
but it's way past time this team had some hooved ungulates; and cloven-hooved at that!
EAT THAT EQUINES!
"Ungulate" is definitely a top 25 word. Not used often enough in sportswriting.
Here's a prediction that he HOGS playing time
Too bad the twosie was retired...would be awesome to see Lewan and Kalis riding with Hamlet III in the baby seat attached to the back. Someone get on that.
The twosie was retired? When did this happen?
Not sure of timing, but have seen multiple posts on here about Lewan et al., no longer trucking about town on the twosie and that it was retired...maybe someone else can shed some light?
He looks.... delicious!!!
Plus infinity for that one.
Does anyone else feel a little bad that this article might be David Moosman's top search result on Google?
Reason # 167 why I read this blog everyday.
No holding penalties
What about hogging penalties?
What Big Ten are YOU watching?
Truffling the quarterback?
that's what cheerleaders were for?
Hoke can't recruit.
Start him at LB. My memories of getting too near a sow with piglets remind me that his species has incredible closing speed.
That'll do, Seth. That'll do.
Well done. Will Coach Hoke yell, "Away to me, pig." before DH3 runs through the tunnel to touch the banner?
"Coming out of high school Michigan was obviously my first choice, but State was really the only college accepting applications from farm animals."
The whole piece was worth it just for that line!
"It's funny 'cause it's true" - H. Simpson
Assuming he grew up a Washington Redskins fan....
While the article concept is very funny, I don't think fake Hello posts are funny at all, because of the breif moment of elation and disappointment. before I get to the recruits' name: Dr. Hamlett III. (No college football recruit is already a Dr.)
I thought for sure he would go to Arkansas but maybe he didn't want to play with his distant cousins. Anyway this is clearly a case of natural selection going awry.
he'll get to play them.
The guys over on their board are claiming it was a "non-committable" offer...
Seems to me that offer would entail an ultimate commitment.
The difference between involvement and commitment: at breakfast, the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.
State was really the only college accepting applications from farm animals
That actually explains a lot.
Another Sparty decommit.
I thought this was going to be dumb. It was amazing.
And just remember, it's better to carry the football....
Than be the football.
BONUS: Children of Yost, there is hope.
...this made me forget it for a little while. Thanks Seth.
Can we get one of those please? SO i know what to expect?