offseason whimsy

this, but with points up for grabs [Marc-Gregor Campredon]

While watching college football games from the mid-80s to mid-90s for the "Let's Remember Some Games" series, one of the most difficult—and fun—parts of the game to track has been the myriad tweaks to the kicking rules. For instance, from 1948-88, placekickers were allowed to use a tee on extra points and field goals in the NCAA. The goalposts were also five feet wider from 1959-90 than the current standard.

As we saw in the 1985 Notre Dame game, these rules made kickers like John Carney serious threats once their offenses crossed midfield. They were even bigger long-range threats before 1978, when all missed field goals were treated like touchbacks—opponent's ball at their 20-yard line—instead of giving the opponent the ball at the previous line of scrimmage. Watching that game led me to look up the kicking tee rules, which in turn led me to this incredibly comprehensive page of the longest field goals in history, one that also details rule changes and how each kick was made. They even have high school kicks.

You can get lost in that page and looking up related tidbits for hours. Before I get into the ostensible purpose of this post, a quick and not at all comprehensive list of amazing facts contained therein:

  1. As you'd suspect, most of the longest field goals come from prior to 1978, when kickers used two-inch tees (they'd been one inch until 1964) and teams didn't face huge field position consequences for attempting long bombs. The record across all divisions is a nice 69 yards by NAIA Abilene Christian's Ove Johansson in 1976, the Swede's only season playing college ball after transitioning from soccer. He went 1-for-4 on field goals for the Philadelphia Eagles before moving on to a career in business.
  2. The very next person on the list is Dirk Borgognone, who crushed a 68-yarder for Reno High School in 1985. It was the only field goal of his football career.
  3. This passage: "In early 1920's Cornell had players build a hill of dirt and more than one player thus held the ball higher for the placekicker. Referees eventually called this a penalty."
  4. Steve Rainey, playing on a 7-on-7 flag football team in 1991, made a 67-yard field goal off a one-inch wood block tee—barefoot. It's the longest barefoot kick on record. Also, I told you this list was comprehensive.
  5. I urge you to read the newspaper report after Princeton's John Triplett Haxall booted a 65-yarder against Yale at the Polo Grounds in 1882.
  6. Ten years later, Birmingham A.C.'s J.P. Ross connected from 65 yards on a drop kick, the longest such kick in history. They beat Alabama, 5-4. The Tide's occasional run-in with horrible kicking luck dates back to the 19th century.
  7. In 2002, Ola Kimrin made a 65-yard field goal in the preseason for the Denver Broncos, which would be an NFL record if it had occurred in the regular season. Denver released him after the game.
  8. Big Ten, baby: "62 yards Pat O'Dea, Wisconsin (W 47-0) at Northwestern, 11/24/1898 (drop-kick)  [in blizzard] (also has never to be broken longest punt: 110 yards, 1898)  [also kicked 60 yarder in Australia, see below, • Only player to do so in both lands.]"
  9. A semi-pro player named Fabrizio Scaccia had a 62-yarder wiped out by an illegal formation penalty. No word on whether he quit on the spot, unfortunately.
  10. Michigan State's Ralf Mojsiejenko had a 60-yard kick nullified by a penalty in the 1984 Cherry Bowl, held at the Pontiac Silverdome. He missed the ensuing 65-yarder. State lost to Army, 10-6.

I could go on for ages, but it's time to focus on the real point of this post: 1940s Wisconsin high school football.

Yes, in Wisconsin, for a period of time, you could get three points for hitting the ball through the uprights on a kickoff. This was far-fetched but doable for high schoolers with the tee at the 40-yard line and goalposts on the goal line instead of the back of the end zone.

[Hit THE JUMP for PLEASE DO THIS now updated with STATISTICAL JUSTIFICATION]

In our continuing pursuit to explain to outsiders "what is Big Ten football," and, more importantly, "why is the Big Ten football," we turn to the world of metaphor. Or simile. I forget.

We look now at the Big Ten through the prism of the characters of Breaking Bad. Minor spoiler alerts, of course, but the series has been over for almost a year, so if you haven't seen the series GET ON THAT. Totally worth the time

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Michigan

 Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC

Hank Schrader

Self-assured to the point of arrogance, but his brash exterior belies a deep-seated insecurity. He's not used to losing, so when stuff starts blowing up around him, he gets rattled. Everything started to go wrong when this upstart “Heisenberg” fella started to upset the order of things. He proceeded to pour unprecedented resources into chasing Heisenberg, like tailing people for weeks on end or spending $850,000 on a new offensive coordinator. He experiences successes, and occasionally seemed set to take down his quarry, but in the final confrontation with Heisenberg (who is, it turns out, family) he ends up busted and bleeding.

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Michigan State

 Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC

Walter White (aka Heisenberg)

He spending years – nay, decades – as the doormat for those around him. But then through a series of unlikely events, Walter finally found himself on top of his world. He is suddenly the one who knocks. He IS the danger. Still, his inferiority complex shines through from time to time, and he spends as much time trying to prove he isn't the man he used to be as he does being Heisenberg.

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Ohio State

Saul

Saul Goodman

Some would call them “sleazy. ” They would prefer to think of themselves as calculating. They have a very well-oiled system and the resources to make it work. He occasionally  gets punched in the mouth by Walter, and is threatened by Hank, though Goodman always stays just out of reach of the law. Also, of everyone in the show, he's the guy you really want to see get punched in the face, and you'd be like, "yeah, he probably deserved that, if not for this then for other stuff."

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Wisconsin

Gus

Gustavo Fring

Careful. Almost boringly careful.  Nothing is unnecessarily flashy, which is what makes him effective. At the end of the day, you realize he’s probably a step ahead of you. He will run the zone stretch six times in a row until you think “I’ll jump the zone stretch and take over the drug empire,” which is when he goes play action for 36 yards. Then goes to the zone stretch.

I suppose I could have gone with "Badger," because, well, Badger. But Badger was a chubby white guy who somehow survives. Wait...

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Purdue 

RV

The Winnebago

They were there at the beginning, and for a while they kinda fit with the whole scheme. It was full of fumes, had terrible accommodations, and was in the middle of nowhere. And usually there were only a couple of people there. If you get stuck there for a couple of days, it will probably turn into the worst weekend of your life unless you can figure out how to MacGyver a battery out of some brake fluid and pocket change to get the everloving hell out of there.

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Penn State

Lydia

Lydia

She used to be a major part of the drug empire until some turmoil threw that into doubt. Despite being marked for death a couple of times, and seemingly being on the cusp of being pushed to the side several times, she continues to find ways to be relevant. She's also conspiratorial as hell; she always thinks someone is out to get her. And while sometimes that's true, it's because she did some really, really bad things.

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Iowa

 Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC

Marie

As soon as she shows up in an episode, your immediate reaction is "ugh, this is gonna suck." She's a somewhat major character, but she does absolutely nothing to drive the plot. Instead, you just get caught up in small and annoying side-plots that just make you hate that you're spending time watching this. There is no depth to her character; she's pretty much a one-note kind of gal. But all things considered, her character flaws are pretty minor, especially when compared to some of those around her, so it could be worse.

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Maryland

Tortuga

Tortuga

It isn't really his fault, per se, but his arrival signaled an epic shit-storm that made everyone around him not want to be there anymore. Plus, Tortuga means "tortoise" and a terrapin is a turtle. Which is like a tortoise. So it fits.

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Indiana

Jesse

Jesse Pinkman

The plucky, scrappy little guy. Historically a f*ck-up, but occasionally pulls his act together enough to pull off a train heist or something. You root for him, largely because he's the lesser of however-many evils. His style is kind of refreshing, and often acts as a nice alternative to the heavy, dour roles played by everyone around him. Also, does a lot of meth.

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Nebraska

 Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC

Skyler White

No one likes you. We get that you are good at some (limited) things, but that doesn't mean we want to see you ever.

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Illinois

Tio

"Tio" Hector Salamanca

Old, decrepit, and smells a little funky. They don't really do much anymore, and their best-case scenario is crapping in his opponents' place of business, because f*** the DEA. Also, stankface gonna stankface.
 
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Northwestern

Gale

Gale Boetticher

He seems like a pretty bright guy, and despite his quirkiness you find yourself rooting for him. But then one day, someone is like "you know, with the way things are going, YOU could run things in the West Division." And he starts to get all excited, and then BLAM.

In a way, he should have seen it coming. He isn't the type to lead. He's a born middle-of-the-pack type. Nevertheless, even though the natural progression of the plot needed him to... uh... exit the plot, we felt a little bit bad that it had to happen like it did. Also, tell me this pose doesn't look familiar:

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Minnesota

Badger

Badger

A chubby, gumpy-looking white guy who somehow manages to survive the whole damn series. He's not really a protagonist or an antagonist. You find yourself happy when he wins, but in the same way you're happy for your dog when he finally finds where you put his water dish. Sure, his accomplishments might not be impressive in the objective sense, but give the little guy a pat on the head anyway.

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Rutgers

The Fly

The Fly

What is this? Wait, this is it? This is what we're doing? WHYYYYYY?????

Site note: I mean, I was gonna do a Dear Diary today, but then the first item became this thing…

image

As you may have heard, Dr. Hamlet III has committed to the Michigan offensive line. Uninformative portion follows:

GURU RATINGS

Rivals PorkNetwork National
Provisioner
Global Pork 247 Comp.
3*, 5.7, #29 C,
NR Ovr
5*, #1 pork belly,
#2 Ovr
5*, #1 PB
#2 Ovr
4*, 96, #6 PB,
#26 Ovr
3*, #84 OL,
#247 Ovr

Those who ranked him as an offensive lineman are all "wait 'n see." Of those who classify him as a pig, only the National Pork Producers Council among the major sites lists Hamlet as anything but ELITE ELITE ELITE. He'll have a chance to change that in a couple weeks at their annual World Pork Expo.

It's worth mentioning that Global Pork lists every hog in its Top 25 as a 5-star, but will extend that to the Top 50 by the time it releases its final herd report.

SCOUTING

Let's start with the negative stuff shall we? Simmons:

STRENGTHS
Pad Level
Hoofwork
Toughness
Drive Blocking Skills
AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT
Hip Flexibility
Bipedalism
Arm length
OUTSIDE! DO THAT OUTSIDE!!!

Total hog! If there is any type of weakness in Hamlet's game at this time, it would be in his pass protection. He is solid there, but his biggest strength is run blocking right now. He drives opponents off the ball, he is excellent on the hoof, and he has that nasty streak you love in offensive linemen. Arm length and lateral quickness will limit his effectiveness. - Chad Simmons

This is echoed by Rivals' Mike Farrell($):

Powerful blocker who can get low and beat you off the hoof. Eats just about anything. Didn't use his hands much in drills, probably because he doesn't need to. Thrilled onlookers with a pitch perfect rendition of soliloquy.

And ESPN($):

Plays so low to the ground it's impossible for defensive linemen to get any leverage on him. Definite inside prospect since he doesn't possess the height to play tackle. High intelligence and build suggest a possible move to center. Not having hands will make snapping the ball a constant adventure, though.

As David Moosman showed Michigan can get by with a behooved ungulate at center, though it's hardly optimal. Anyway you see the theme across the services: Hamlet plays with excellent leverage, but is about 6 million years behind the rest of the OL in bipedalism experience and proper hand technique. Funk is going to have to start from scratch there.

Though an MSU graduate, according to his interview with 247's Steve Lorenz, Hamlet remains intensely loyal to Michigan ($):

HAMLET: "I'm still true blue through and through! You could even say I was weaned on maize and blue. Because I literally was weaned on a mix of feed corn and Blue Seal swine pellets." Hamlet told 247.

Lorenz also asked about his expectations and, well, he's probably not gonna be a playing time transfer:

247: How do you see your Michigan career playing out?

HAMLET: Oh, that's not up to me to decide. I'm going to go out there and compete, but my number one goal is to help the team any way I can. I'm here to get a Michigan degree, and to do whatever I can to help Michigan win football games, pure and simple. We've got an excellent, excellent group of linemen coming in and some of the best all time on hand right now, so I know it's gonna be tough to earn snaps. I embrace the challenge, and I think it will make us all better the more guys we have competing—if I bust my piggly tail for four years and that just makes another guy try harder to keep his job, then that's what I came for.

Humble, this guy. As you've come to expect from like every recruit in the Brady Hoke era ever, he's a wild animal on the field yet the kind of person you want in your home:

Hemholdt($):

Everyone I talk to says he's just a fantastic guy. Really wants to learn, does neat tricks.

TomVH($):

Terrific.

Magnus:

Radiant.

Charlotte's Website:

Some Pig!

Hoke recruits, man.

DOCTOR OF WHAT?

Despite being less than 3 years old, Hamlet already has a Ph.D./MD from the Van Andel Educational Institute, through Michigan State. He explains how he came by that doctorate:

"Coming out of high school Michigan was obviously my first choice, but State was really the only college accepting applications from farm animals. I was planning on getting my bachelor's degree in Agricultural Resource Economics but a professor there turned me on to Gastroenterology and it was love at first endoscopy.

"After one digestive performance they said I was a natural and put me in the doctoral program and I graduated in a few months. It was pretty easy, to be honest. "

Because he technically graduated from high school just a year ago, Hamlet still has all four years of eligibility remaining.

Cue Spartyfreude.

BREEDING

BLWxPYwCEAAro4M

via

Dr. Hamlet III is a Vietnamese, better known as a "pot-bellied pig." As such he has the distinctive tall forehead, high ears and straight tail. He also appears to have the breed's distinctive swayed back (and corresponding pot belly that gives the species its name). His bloodlines suggest he can put on a LOT of weight, and his food intake will need to be closely monitored.

SIZE

The sites agree that he's between 3'2" and 3'3", and between 90-100 lbs. That's about normal for his breed at this stage in life. He should be able to hang a good 20-30 more pounds on that frame.

OFFERS

MSU, Nebraska, Iowa State, and Thorn Apple Valley. Reported interest from Wisconsin but committed before an offer materialized. Pork bellies have been steady at record highs since 2011.

STATS

Pigs and offensive linemen don't have stats.

FAKE 40 TIME

247 lists a non-food-aided 40 time of 32.25 seconds, but he was reportedly clocked at 28.22 seconds when a can of creamed corn was placed at the finish line. Since I just completely made that up just now it receives five FAKES out of five.

VIDEO

A Vine of Hamlet eating out of Kyle Kalis's belly button has been taken down, but this screenshot still remains:

Screen-Shot-2013-05-30-at-12.27.35-PM

Also: Junior highlights.

PREDICTION BASED ON FLIMSY EVIDENCE

Obvious redshirt as he gains weight, adjusts to real college life from the farm/East Lansing, and gains instruction on bipedal locomotion. From there, who knows. May never develop more than an okay pass protection game, or opposable thumbs. High character, non-academic risk, seems 100% committed to Michigan, so not going to hurt the APR even if he doesn't work out. Best guess is four-year Academic All-American who'll provide much-needed depth at center, with an outside shot at starting his senior year. Otherwise he'll be an important member of the position group and an expert on blocking assignments. Every team needs a third-generation doctoral pig center.

UPSHOT FOR THE REST OF THE CLASS

(Mathlete goes into greater detail). Dr. Hamlet III turned down purely academic scholarships in order to walk on the Michigan team, so he won't count against the 85 limit (his life expectancy is several years shorter than the length of his FAFSA loan). Adding a hyperintelligent pig makes the entire position group more awesome. Michigan players have been warned not to leave any impermissible benefits out where he can get into them.

ETC. Children of Yost wonder if he can skate too.