This Week in the Twitterverse

Submitted by BiSB on May 30th, 2013 at 11:33 AM

Pork and Beef

This week, possibly in response to Mitch McGary’s fabulous work on Instagram, the football team pretty much decided to made the un-moving pictures their donkey. And per Brian’s instructions, we begin once again with Dr. Hamlet III:

Hamlet

And since I’ve been making an effort to be more informative and less snarky, this presents an opportunity to analyze the…

THINGS WE LEARNED:

  • These linemen have a much more forgiving landlord than I had in Ann Arbor. They can have a pig. I couldn't have a fish.
  • It's really easy to get into Michigan's Med School if you're a legacy, and even easier if you're a second-generation legacy.
  • P1G, like the B1G, seems to have the most success with small bowls.
  • If Lewan had ONE more season in Ann Arbor, I'm pretty sure we'd see this at some point next offseason:

WeBoughtAPig

Before that, though, several members of the offense took last week’s ManBearCrombie to the next level, and presented us with an overload of OMG Shirtless:

OMG Shirtless

NOT PICTURED: weakness of any kind

THINGS WE LEARNED:

  • Adidas apparently makes all of Michigan's workout apparel, too, and like the rest of the Adidas stuff it all fell apart and left the athletes shirtless. New shirts will probably be delivered by early December.
  • Michigan's football team, despite their shoes, can receive no service. They can't figure out why.
  • If you want, you can play tic-tac-toe on Taylor Lewan's shoulder (PROTIP: The only winning move is not to play).
  • Sione Houma may or may not be Tongan Steve Breaston.
  • Fitz Toussaint once killed a velociraptor.
  • Michigan's offense is composed of very large men. And Jeremy Gallon.

Your parody account is bad and you should feel bad

Most of you have probably heard of a young man from Grand Rapids named Drake Harris. Mr. Harris said a while back that he would spend a few years at Michigan State playing kicky-throwy ball AND dribbly-shooty ball, but then he changed his mind about the dribbly-shooty part and decided to play his kicky-throwy ball at Michigan. This did not go over well in East Lansing, and elicited a pile of the usual Twitter crap. But that was six weeks ago, so the iron has cooled considerably.

But don’t tell that to the creator of what is almost certainly the worst parody account in the history of mimicry:

DrakeHarrisEgo4

DrakeHarrisEgo1

DrakeHarrisEgo2

Yep, it’s an account dedicated to Drake Harris’s Ego, which Sparty* believes to be a thing. Setting aside the fact that this guy created an account mocking a kid, this is just a terrible account. First, I don’t think he knows what “ego” means. But more importantly, he failed to meet the first (and really the only) rule of parody accounts: they are supposed to be funny.  I mean, objectively speaking, who is going to find that funny?

DrakeHarrisEgo3

Oh, hey there one time Michigan State commit and current UCLA Bruin offensive lineman Caleb Benenoch. To summarize: a guy who decommitted from State loves that there is an account dedicated to the ego demonstrated by a guy who decommitted from State. I can’t even begin to unwrap the Spartyness of this tweet. It’s like a mobius strip of Spartyfreude; it just folds back into itself until you don’t know where you started but god this thing is nifty.

*And yes, this was the doing of Sparty. A confirmed State fan created the account, and then allegedly turned over control to someone else. I won’t out the creator, but mostly because I don’t feel like chasing down the details because I don’t much care.

Speaking of things about which you should feel bad

In related Drake Harris news, he continues to catch crap on Twitter for choosing a college, including a concerted effort from one guy in particular who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of “boundaries.” Harris finally called him on it:

Drake Harris Old Dude

Sure enough, I looked through Doug E. Fresh’s Tweets, and an uncomfortable percentage of them are to Drake Harris. Add in the alleged Facebook stalking, and we’ve got ourselves a Stage 5 Clinger. And then there’s the text of the message itself, in which this guy blames Harris for all of the hate he’s receiving because he’s “living with the consequences” of his decisions. It’s your classic “he was asking for it” defense, except here the “asking for it” was in the form of “selected an institution of higher education.”

This should serve as a reminder to the scores of you who still contact recruits through social media that it is a terrible, terrible idea, and not just because of the creepiness factor. They might see your comments, call you out, and make you look like a maroon in front of the whole internet. This guy is a real estate agent who uses his name and business information in his Twitter profile. And I will remind you that Michigan fans buy houses in west Michigan, as do people who don’t like being creeped the hell out by awkward people. So, congratulations, Mr. Ditmar, I dub thee TWITTER CREEPER OF THE YEAR OF THE WEEK.**

**This name probably won’t stick. Also this probably won’t be a regular thing.

[ED:BiSB - The purpose of this section was not to encourage people to seek retribution. People should not attempt to contact or further escalate the situation. Let the Universe unfold of its own accord.]

[/Insert words here]

I don’t want to talk about this. But I think you have to see it, so… here it is. Warning: it’s slightly Not Safe For Breakfast.

Vrabel

(H/T @LandGrant33, and by H/T I mean Y U HATE MY EYES?)

Bucknuts. That is all.

Car washings is serious business

NCAA rules are dumb. But until now, we didn’t know just how dumb:

NCAA Violations

Yup, a University had to report a secondary violation because an athlete washed her car with University water. According to Lost Lettermen, the full story is about as dumb as you would expect:

A WCC school self-reported an extra benefits violation to the NCAA when university officials caught one of their women’s golfers washing her car on campus, according to the source. The NCAA ruled a secondary violation had occurred because the water was not available to regular students and demanded the golfer pay back $20, which was deemed to be the value of the water and use of the hose.”

It was a violation because the USE OF A HOSE WAS AN IMPERMISSIBLE BENEFIT. And she had to PAY $20 because the hose wasn’t available to the general student body. In other words, this thing that is generally unavailable to the general student body is fine:

Ross Academic Center

Ross Academic Center

And this will lead us slouching to SMU:

Water Hose

Hose

Once again, fine:

Pryor Corvette

Suspect:

Pryor Bucket

Save us Obi-Wan KenO’Bannon. You’re our only hope.

(NOTE: the second violation, while less funny, is probably worse. How can someone make some kind of impermissible contact with a recruit when he doesn’t  know who he is talking to? We lawyer types call that “mens rea.” Everyone else calls it “holy itchy Gold Bond balls, use some common sense you ridiculous tools”)

Ohio: Worst State Ever, but improving?

The University of Cincinnati baseball team had a rough year, finishing just 6-18 in Big East play, which is probably because baseball isn't any of the players' first loves. They were born to be swimmers:

medieval jousters;

or explorers, Roman emperors, big game hunters, or… well, swimmers again. These gentlemen will be going professional in something other than sports. Unless that swimming thing works out, in which case that'd be sports.

Rock Bottom Update

Look, Amanda, you seem like a nice girl and all, certain amazing but somewhat NSFW headlines notwithstanding. But this is about the point in your life when you are going to want to reconsider some stuff.

Marshall Henderson

Comments

WolvinLA2

May 30th, 2013 at 12:04 PM ^

I googled Douglas Ditmar and requested info.  If he ever emails me I'll tell hiim I have a lot of family and friends in GR who have all been told not to use him or any of his agents when buying or selling a house.  

He can learn to live with consequences as well. 

Flying Dutchman

May 30th, 2013 at 12:29 PM ^

I know Doug Ditmar personally.   He is a giant piece of shit.   He is an absolutely clueless fuck that has no idea what he's doing, and he trolls on the internet regularly.      Both Doug and I would be considered "GR Christian insiders" to a certain extent.    Obviously he is a huge Sparty homer, but also a massive douchnozzle.    Other people in the GR Christian community are now talking about him because of this crap and some other crap.   The dude needs to figure it out and shut the fuck up.

I'm speaking angrily about him, but please don't interpret Doug as a reflection of the Grand Rapids Christian community.    Its really a bunch of wonderful people, except for Doug.

Everyone Murders

May 30th, 2013 at 12:35 PM ^

I'm have trouble gleaning how you feel about Doug Ditmar.  Would you please expound your position re: Mr. Ditmar?

("I know Doug Ditmar personally. He is a giant piece of shit." will live in my memory as one of the funniest opening lines in an MGoPost.  Well done, sir.  Well done.)

 

mtzlblk

May 31st, 2013 at 4:05 PM ^

Reading between the lines of his bio, his achievements in life are:

1. Ran family business into the ground and closed it, despite what he indicates is his natural affinity for being a salesmen

2. Decided he wanted to leverage his natural affinity for sales and now sells houses instead

A sparty success story if ever there were one.

Bryan

May 30th, 2013 at 12:03 PM ^

I can vouch that regular students are not premitted. I decided to test the waters when it opened to use its printers. That's a big no bueno

WolvinLA2

May 30th, 2013 at 12:08 PM ^

I looked up Douglas Ditmar's facebook, and he has a lot of Drake Harris stuff on his wall, the most recent being him retweeting (but on facebook) Harris's tweet congrtatulating Tommy Doles for committing to NW.  And then he quotes bible versus.  I wonder is Jesus was down with stalking and bothering high school kids.  

saveferris

May 30th, 2013 at 12:13 PM ^

And I will remind you that Michigan fans buy houses in west Michigan

From Douglas C. Ditmar? After this little bit of Twitter bravado, I doubt it.

saveferris

May 30th, 2013 at 12:17 PM ^

These linemen have a much more forgiving landlord than I had in Ann Arbor. They can have a pig. I couldn't have a fish.

Their landlord isn't more forgiving, but are YOU going to tell Taylor Lewan he can't have a pig named Dr. Hamlet III?

Exactly.

meddler

May 30th, 2013 at 12:21 PM ^

I have never contacted a recruit by any means.

That said, why do recruiting analysts and other mdeia types constantly alert their followers to recruits' Twitter accounts? It seems counter-productive to the Don't Contact Recruits Directive.

WolvinLA2

May 30th, 2013 at 12:33 PM ^

This is where common sense needs to come in.  "Don't contact recruits at all" is like telling your kids they can't go in the backyard at all to make sure they don't fall into the pool.  If you have a kid who is able to be around a pool without risk of falling in, it's fine that he go in the backyard, but with a mixed group of kids, it's best to play it safe and make the whole backyard off limits.  

Recruits like to be followed and many of them like to interact with fans because it's the first time in their lives they've had a huge following.  They don't want to be bothered though, like any of us.  This is like the sexy-dressed girl at the bar who wants you to flirt with her and dance with her but not stick your hand up her skirt.  The line is usually pretty clear.  Tweeting a recruit to congratulate him on something or to say Go Blue is almost always fine.  Acosting a rival recruit is never ever OK.

His Dudeness

May 30th, 2013 at 12:32 PM ^

Mike Vrabel is right, OSU alumn or not. 

If you have tried it you wouldn't be knocking it. True story.

Been a GB man since grade 8. Even more so now that I am a "southerner."

SpinachAssassin

May 30th, 2013 at 12:41 PM ^

this week was short on laughs, until Dr. Hamlet III delivered twitter gold that is.  i don't know where to start.  seriously though, GB is quite soothing.  i'm almost inclined to overlook the ohio part of vrabel's resume.  everyone makes mistakes.  embracing the medicated powder certainly isn't one of them.

BiSB

May 30th, 2013 at 2:02 PM ^

This was in no way to belittle the fine work done by the good people at Gold Bond. Theirs is a wonderful product.

My focus was more on the publicity granted to Mike Vrabel's nether-regions vis-a-vis said product.

El Jeffe

May 30th, 2013 at 4:02 PM ^

Is it at all possible that he was using it on his feet and liked the tingly sensation, you know, on his feet? Hence the footprints? Or is the idea that he dumps a cannister on his meat and two veg and then it cascades to the floor and then he walks around in it and leaves footprints?

There's an image for you.