OSU Trustees Claim Vindication
COLUMBUS (The Harbowitz Report)—Michael J. Gasser, Chair of the Ohio State University Board of Trustees, announced Tuesday that Ohio State’s football victory over arch-rival Michigan represents “a complete and total vindication of the Board’s decision to disregard facts and basic moral guidelines when deciding to retain Coach Urban Meyer.”
Gasser made his incongruous remarks inside a large, obviously oval, stadium known to all OSU fans as “The Horseshoe.” Speaking on the 50 yard line before an assembly of trustees, university officials, and a smirking Urban Meyer, Gasser commented, “The Board took some heat when we retained Urban. Some people felt strongly we should prioritize character, integrity, and the reputation of The University above winning football games.”
Then pointing triumphantly to a scoreboard still illuminated with the final score of 62-39, Gasser concluded, “But where are those naysayers today? I’m pretty sure hanging 62 points on That Team Up North fully exonerates Coach Meyer and lays to rest, once and for all, any concerns that this great institution would ever allow itself to put the ephemeral concepts of integrity and morality above the foundational cornerstone of our great University - winning football games.”
Following Gasser’s remarks, each Trustee prostrated himself before Meyer and ceremoniously placed the football coach’s cleated foot on their neck in symbolic gesture of pious submission.
November 28th, 2018 at 9:28 AM ^
This is hilarious. I was going to scold you for not linking to the source, but it appears you wrote it. Nice work.
November 28th, 2018 at 9:54 AM ^
This is great... very "The Onion"-esque but probably even better
November 28th, 2018 at 11:59 AM ^
Two thoughts:
The Michigan State Trustees wish they could execute on their priorities as well as the Buckeyes have.
This piece should actually be submitted to The Onion, so it gets a broader viewing audience. It's outstanding and a perfect length for their site.
December 1st, 2018 at 11:35 AM ^
i think the MSU trustees are doing exactly what they want. They're just not very good at basically anything.
November 28th, 2018 at 1:00 PM ^
I think what the OP was going for was a mash-up of Harbaugh and The Borowitz Report (a satirist for the New Yorker magazine) => Harbowitz Report.
November 28th, 2018 at 9:56 AM ^
"..and a smirking Urban Meyer.."
You outperformed my expectations. Good work.
November 28th, 2018 at 11:23 AM ^
Believable Ohio State satire is my favorite kind of satire
December 4th, 2018 at 11:14 PM ^
Then you must be ecstatic when Urban, Gene Smith and their new coach constantly mention “Buckeye Nation!” What the devil is that? I live in Ohio and I’m no part of a Buckeye Nation?!?!
It really sounds so gauche..........
November 28th, 2018 at 11:24 AM ^
Sounds legit.
November 28th, 2018 at 11:25 AM ^
The funny thing is for the first three paragraphs, you didn't say anything that sounded like a joke.
November 28th, 2018 at 11:27 AM ^
Sad part is I actually believe that this is how they truly feel
November 28th, 2018 at 11:31 AM ^
“Obviously oval” - nice work
November 28th, 2018 at 12:00 PM ^
Why the /s?
November 28th, 2018 at 12:45 PM ^
At first I thought it was serious, and I wouldn't have been much surprised by it. But that was pretty funny.
Well done.
November 28th, 2018 at 1:01 PM ^
Cool story OP
November 28th, 2018 at 1:39 PM ^
Oh boy... Que the OSU and MSU trolls... "Michigan Arrogance... You guys act like you have never held a rally for a coach in the immediate aftermath of a domestic abuse scandal."
November 28th, 2018 at 2:23 PM ^
Of course in Columbus, they don't need Onion-esque satire to entertain themselves. They have [edit:mgowill] a coach that covered up for a domestic abuser for years and their fan base shits in coolers The Onion wouldn’t want to even try to make that kind of stuff up or they might lose their credibility. I’d suggest that you find something else to do in your free time. Posting here just makes you look pathetic.
November 28th, 2018 at 3:03 PM ^
Wow. You people are fucking crazy... Good, good, let the hate and resentment of integrity flow through you...
I wanted to stir up the hidden guilt amongst you trolls while exposing your veiled inferiority complex.
Here you are... Registered on a Michigan blog. Putting it out there for everyone to see at the direct request of a Michigan alum. I ask "que the trolls" and you obey. I somehow suspect you are used to taking direction...
Enjoy your success in football. I'll continue to enjoy not being from your state or school. I'll bring the beer for the next save Meyer rally.
Actually, in truth, I don't really hate Ohio that much and it sucks to lose. This is kind of fun though.
November 28th, 2018 at 11:27 PM ^
Dammit Mgowill. Now my witty reply to that guy doesn't make sense after the edit. Neither does Ron Utah's. There is nothing better than letting them prove how dumb they are on their own. I'd suggest removing that edit. Then again, I might think I'm wittier than I really am. I'll let you decide.
November 28th, 2018 at 3:07 PM ^
Clearly they need more entertainment in Columbus because dudes like you keep popping up on MGoBlog to respond to serious societal issues with "SCOREBOARD!"
That said, your post does a delightful job of confirming the spirit of this diary, so bravo for that.
November 28th, 2018 at 10:23 PM ^
Hello 0-4,
Your account has been banned for trolling.
mgowill
November 28th, 2018 at 11:11 PM ^
I wanted to keep him around... Ron Utah's counterpoint was beautiful and it required that douche for its power.
November 30th, 2018 at 12:47 PM ^
[A] coach that covered up for a domestic abuser for years and their fan base shits in coolers .
Or, as it's more commonly known in announcer parlance, "adversity."
November 28th, 2018 at 3:09 PM ^
This was great work OP. Front page worthy.
November 28th, 2018 at 4:45 PM ^
Great satire! Or, is it?
November 28th, 2018 at 9:59 PM ^
Fuck phony Urbie. Nice job.
November 29th, 2018 at 12:01 AM ^
This is an extremely underrated diary entry. Well done Mr. President.
November 29th, 2018 at 1:24 AM ^
D-I-C-K that OSU guy
November 29th, 2018 at 7:12 AM ^
Very well done. Funny (or sad?) part is, like many others here, I fully believed this at first.
This article has been forwarded to all OSU alums/fans in my unit. Unfortunately, I'm not sure they're able to detect/appreciate satire.
November 29th, 2018 at 11:06 AM ^
Now that's funny shit.
November 29th, 2018 at 5:47 PM ^
gold.
thank you
November 30th, 2018 at 3:31 PM ^
Did I miss something in that quote?...what does integrity/morality have to do with winning a football game or not firing Urban Meyer?
December 2nd, 2018 at 9:47 AM ^
December 2nd, 2018 at 8:22 AM ^
Well done
December 4th, 2018 at 11:41 PM ^
This seems oddly prescient after today's announcement (that Urban is "retiring"). I guess the Ohio BoT gets the last laugh after all!
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