The Rules of BPONE

If you are new to the BPONE, allow me to bring you up to speed on the rules of the BPONE to get a more pure experience:

1. If Michigan has an injury, that is the end of the season
   1. Addendum – if it is a left tackle, that’s the end of the next three seasons
2. If an opponent has an injury, that is an opportunity for a beleaguered backup, likely playing out of position, to have a career game
3. Opponents have thoroughly scouted Michigan and can tell you the play that will be run by formation alone
4. Michigan’s coaches will be completely bewildered as they have just been playing Factorio all week
5. Michigan’s players will talk endlessly about how they want to make a “statement” on Saturday, then their play will inevitably be described as “flat”
6. Opponents will, obviously, play their best game of the season against Michigan
7. The opponent’s 2 star running back will play like a 5 star (against Michigan - he will still suck against, say, Northwestern)
8. Michigan’s 5-star running back will play like a 2 star, if he plays at all
   1. Exception – Zach Charbonnet seems to be the exception that proves the rule, and I can’t even joke about it.  I pray for his health.
9. Michigan will inexplicably go into a conservative play-calling shell for a minimum of 1 quarter each game
10. Opponent’s coaches, even Kirk Ferentz(!), will be riverboat gamblers the one week they play Michigan
11. If the referees make a call that has virtually no impact on the outcome of the game, it will be in favor of Michigan
12. If the referees make a call critical to the outcome of the game, it will go against Michigan
13. Michigan will be out of synch and play worse after a bye week
14. Opponents will be healed up and have had an extra week of game film study, therefore playing much better after a bye week
15. All opponent weight gain in season is muscle, all weight loss is fat
16. All Michigan weight gain in season is fat, all weight loss is muscle atrophy
    1. Note – this is the exact opposite of Spring Practice, when hope bubbles, unbidden, out of the ground
17. Michigan will be unable to stop the opponent’s best play, because it is their best play
18. The opponent will take away Michigan’s best play immediately, forcing Michigan to play left handed and become out of synch
19. If Michigan’s 3rd cornerback is slower than Ohio State’s 3rd wide receiver, Ohio State will (obviously) score the most points in the history of the rivalry

Enjoy the BPONE!