Covid-19: Sympathy for Cooler Poopers
Covid-19 has made many of us reflect on the deeper issues in life. Today, I was forcibly reminded to take to heart the proverb, "Don't judge someone until you've walked in their shoes."
Indeed, today, as I was driving the streets of Austin and a great pain was shooting through my stomach and intestines, I was bonded with the Buckeye fan, forever. Great pandemics or global disasters can often bring us together, and as my poop continued to force it's way from my body, despite my mind's feeble attempts to push it back, I could feel only pain, and think back to the Great Buckeye poop fest of 2005. I swerved around from strip mall to strip mall, praying for an open restaurant, convenience store, or gas station. I could see them, but all had doors closed or bathrooms locked from public use.
As I sat there, sweating and desperate in my car, life and excrement choices limited, I could only wish that I had my very own cooler in the car. A good 20 minutes from home, you see, I would not make it, without crapping myself. These indeed were the worst of times. An executive decision need be made.
And so it was done...No, I did not shit myself in the car, but I am neither proud nor shamed by said "achievement", simply humbled. I pulled over at a nearby high school and pooped in the field - like a wild, undomesticated beast - like a Buckeye. I now have an authentic novel empathy for this Buckeye creature, bonded by the our animal being. I am still processing all that happened today, searching for answers, trying to overcome the trauma.
That said, due to Covid-19, I unfortunately can no longer partake in the cooler pooper humor I once so enjoyed. If I learn nothing else from this pandemic (like eating from healthier/kinder food production, being kinder to my fellow man, enjoying each day, being grateful for the outdoors, etc), and do indeed return to my old selfish ways, at least one thing will remain with me forever....my empathy and understanding of the the Buckeye Cooler Pooper.
The type of shitpost we need right now. Thank you, sir.
"I am still processing all that happened today, searching for answers, trying to overcome the trauma."
Dude, you took a shit outside. Big fucking deal. You act like you will never recover. Don't be a puss.
It’s been more than 10 years. Are you still a broke PhD?
If he got a PhD in Satire Detection, then yes.
you're trying too hard to be funny
Irony is not lost.
If this shit was truly Buckeye-like, then tell us... did you still deliver the pizza?
I thought pizza was spartys trade..
If he was a real buckeye he wouldnt have even had to pull his rig over..
Sensiblechuckle.gif
There's simply no reason to ever shit in a cooler....ever. You made the right decision to shit in the field and should feel proud you helped fertilize (i assume?) next years championship team.
Creating original humor is hard.
And it's definitely harder for some folks than others.
In honor to the OP and to the humor to which MGrowOld alludes, I provide you with this link. Enjoy.
https://www.dudeproducts.com/blogs/story/the-10-most-epic-poop-scenes-in-movie-history
I had a similar experience many years ago when visiting a cousin in Florida in the suburban sprawl between Miami and West Palm Beach. I went for a long early morning walk in his neighborhood and lost my bearings. (This was well before the smartphone era.) I was far from a commercial district and every street and house looked like the next one.
Nature called violently. I looked around and saw a guy outside washing his boat/car. (I didn't see anyone else.) I walked up and explained my situation as gracefully as possible. He was very nice and walked me into his house. His wife and two small children were having breakfast right next to the bathroom. I went inside and exploded. It was noisy as hell. I was embarrassed and thankful.
Did the wife or kids say anything after you finished?
Dad silently and politely nodded in response to my thanks. Everyone else averted eyes and said nothing.
Diarrhea is one of the symptoms of coronavirus infection.
Holy Crap!!! I'd better find some toilet paper!
“Great pandemics or global disasters can often bring us together, and as my poop continued to force it's way from my body, despite my mind's feeble attempts to push it back...”
Forget sports, I’m here solely for the poop discussions.
Thanks for the laugh Bo. Sorry it is at your expense.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. You didn't like pooping in the field. A Buckeye would have enjoyed the experience and would have taken a selfie to post on face book. You sir are no Buckeye!!!
As a fellow Texan - I am ashamed that you live in Austin on a sunny 80 degree day with a breeze, and give even one thought to those Scarlet and Gray bastards.
So shut the fuck up, enjoy the sun and your 0% state income taxes, and if you don't trust me - listen to the advice from this famous Austin philosopher:
what a shitty story.
Don't get me started on the time when I was in the Army and on a 10 mile run. They consistently feed you greasy, unhealthy food and there are consequences.
Crazy times call for crazy actions. Let's just say I finished the last 5 miles weighing about 5 pounds less and without my under-drawers. I am ashamed for what I left on that mountain in Alabama.
"...left on that HILL in Alabama" FIFY
Did you sing, "Please allow me to introduce myself,
I'm a man of wealth and taste..."
...to all the livestock feeding in the vicinity of your pooo?
See that Randy...? That's a shithawk.
I swerved around from strip mall to strip mall, praying for an open restaurant, convenience store, or gas station. I could see them, but all had doors closed or bathrooms locked from public use.
Why didn't you buy a pack of gum and use a gas station bathroom like the rest of civilization?
Been there, man. Sometimes you don’t control shit, the shit controls you.
Add Bo Harbaugh to the list of mgoblog users I don’t like.
You’ve only been here since March but I’m betting that list is pretty long
This should be a diary or perhaps a diarrhea.
I trusted a cocaine-sushi fart in my car once. Once.
Is that like...sushi that you snort?
These are the shitty discussions I enjoy. Not ragging on UofM players alumni. But actual shit discussions.
After reading this heartfelt story of COVID trauma I think I can still say, with all due sincerity:
Fuck Ohio State.
I didn't read the post but I will leave a comment.
I remember I once pooped on a street in Afghanistan in front of a bunch of laughing kids. When ya gotta go ya gotta go.
Edit: Whomever downvoted that must have been one of the kids. Congrats on getting a computer!
This is too absurd to take down. Bravo.