About Last Week:

Yoink.

The Road Ahead:

Michigan State (5-1, 2-0 B1G)

Last game: Won at Purdue, 45-31

Recap: The number on the left is about what you would expect. The number on the right is very much

For the second week in a row, Michigan State turned a blowout into a real game with some serious fourth quarter derptitude. Sparty was up 38-17 with the ball deep in Purdue territory with 11 minutes left. But then Connor Cook threw a pick, and Akeem Hunt took a carry 52 yards to the house. Then MSU attempted a terrible fake punt, which led to another Purdue score, and all of a sudden it was 38-31, and Purdue got the ball back with 3:00 left with a chance to tie it up. Of course, Austin Appleby promptly threw a pick-six, but still.

State did manage to outgain Purdue 532-340, and all three of MSU’s primary backs (Jeremy Langford, Nick Hill, and Delton Williams) averaged at least 8.0 yards per carry. Connor Cook, on the other hand, has cooled off a bit. Last year against Power 5 opponents he threw for 7.5 YPA with a 3:1 TD-to-INT ratio. This year, he’s throwing for 7.2 YPA with a 3:2 TD-to-INT ratio. As Seth pointed out this week, Cook’s impressive top-line numbers are potentially the result of the three tomato cans on MSU’s schedule. We’ll have to wait until the more challenging portions of MSU’s schedule to see.

Of course, this week they take on Indiana’s defense, so that wait will continue for at least another week.

This team is as frightening as: Goliath. Big, strong, but vunerable to rocks thrown from long-distance. Fear Level = 9.872

Michigan should worry about: Well, I suppose you should worry about HOLY DOLPHIN GENITALS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF???

Michigan can sleep soundly about:If Purdue can move the ball against Michigan State, and if Eastern Michigan can move the ball (a little bit) on Michigan State, then ANYONE can move the ball against Michigan State.

So that means Michigan has a prayer of moving the ball against Michigan State. A little bit. Possibly.

When they play Michigan: You drink a whiskey drink. You drink a vodka drink. You drink a lager drink. You drink a cider drink.

Next game: at Indiana (MSU -14.5), 3:30 Saturday, ESPN

[AFTER THE JUMP: We sing the songs that remind us of the good times]

Indiana (3-3, 0-2 B1G)

Last game: Lost at Iowa, 45-29

Recap: Someday, far into the future, the survivors of the Nuclear Ebola Twerking Wars will huddle around fires and speak in hushed tones of the futile but valiant efforts of Tevin Coleman in the Before-Time year of 2014.

Coleman is essentially Sisyphus, only with better vision and lateral quickness. He racked up 219 yards on 15 carries (14.6 (!!!) YPC) and another three touchdowns in this one. He scored touchdowns of 83, 45, and 69 yards. Coleman leads the country in yards per game. His 8.83 yards per carry is the highest average of anyone with 10+ carries per game. He has scored a rushing touchdown in 15 straight games. He is really damn good.

The problem for Coleman and Indiana is that Nate Sudfeld is out for the season, leaving the offense in the hands of Chris Covington. Covington finished this game 3 of 12 for 31 yards and two picks. He did have eleven carries for 41 yards, though he did fumble twice (Indiana recovered both). You know how Brian makes a big deal about position-switch starters? Covington was basically recruited as a defensive player, but moved to QB after Cam Coffman and Tre Roberson transferred.

[UPDATE: So apparently Covington ISN'T playing after all, meaning Indiana is going to be taking the redshirt off a true freshman to start this one. Bah Gawd]

Looks like Indiana is going to have to rely on its defen…

Iowa scored 4 TDs in the span of 3 offensive snaps. Bravo.

…oh boy.

This team is as frightening as: Fugu. One little part of it is DEADLY NEUROTOXIN. The rest is pretty much just soft, easily consumable fish parts. Fear Level = 3

Michigan should worry about: Tevin Coleman is basically Bill Brasky.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: They have the 92^nd best defense in the country (in S&P+), and are now starting either (a) a converted linebacker, or (b) a true freshman in his second game after being (presumably) tenderized by Michigan State.

When they play Michigan: Holy crap Michigan will probably be favored by a significant amount in a real collegiate football game.

Next game: vs. Michigan State (IU +14.5), 3:30 Saturday, ESPN

Northwestern (3-3, 2-1 B1G)

Stoppable, mortal. (AP)

Last game: Lost at Minnesota, 24-17

Recap: In any sane, reasonable world, this would have been the ugliest matchup on almost any weekly conference slate. But we live in a world in which Michigan/Penn State was a thing, so this has to settle for runner-up. The two teams combined for 4.83 yards per play, which was Baylor-esque compared to the combined 3.76 yards per play they put up Under the Lights.

This game felt like the quintessential Northwestern experience we’ve come to expect in recent years. Despite outgaining Minnesota 393-274 on the day, they trailed 17-10 in the 4^th quarter. They then put together a 13 play, 97 yard touchdown drive to tie the game… and Minnesota returned the ensuing kick 100 yards to retake the lead. You have to hand it to them: the number of ways Northwestern finds to lose games is impressive.

Justin Jackson once again played well. The freshman is averaging 4.5 yards per carry, and looks good doing it. If he can take some of the pressure off of the passing game, it might make Northwestern less terrible.

This team is as frightening as: Frank Grimes. He’s a smart and well-meaning guy, and he tries really hard. And sure, he probably deserves better than he gets. But you just KNOW he’s going to find a way to grab the high-voltage lines in the end.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOgS8gTATv8 Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about:Massey has Northwestern favored 2-to-1. HOW IS THIS A THING.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Unstoppable Throw God Trevor Siemian has yet to crack 7.0 yards per attempt in any of Northwestern’s six games. On the season, he’s sitting at 5.9 YPA (dead last in the B1G), with 4 TDs and 5 INTs. And yet, they throw the ball almost 38 times per game, probably because they are the second-worst rushing team in the conference.

When they play Michigan: A team averaging 21.7 points per game takes on a team averaging 21.5 points per game. We’re gonna need more tiny flags.

Next game: vs. Nebraska (NW +7), 7:30 Saturday, BTN

Maryland (4-2, 1-1 B1G)

Last game: Bye

Recap: No recap. Bye.

Michigan should worry about: Turtle bites. Fear Level = Turtle

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Turtles don't really bite.

When they play Michigan: Oh man, we're really going to have to talk about this game and I'm not going to want to watch this game at this time of the year but such is life.

Turtles.

Next game: vs. Iowa (MD -5), 12:00 Saturday, ESPN2

Ohio State (4-1, 1-0 B1G)

Last game: Bye

Recap: No recap. Bye.

This team is as frightening as: Outlook hazy. Ask again later.

Thus far, Ohio State has faced one really good defense (Virginia Tech, #6 in Defensive S&P+), two meh defenses (#43 Maryland and #63 Navy) and two turrrrrrrrible defenses (#115 Kent State and #103 Cincinnati). They obliterated the bad defenses, handled the meh defenses with relative ease, and had very little success against the really good defense. This tells us surprisingly little. We will learn more in two weeks when they play Penn State, and again when they play Michigan State and Minnesota. Michigan’s defense fits statistically somewhere among those three teams, so we’ll see.

Likewise, on defense, they gave up over 8 yards a play to a quasi-decent offensive team (#44 Cincinnati), held two bad offenses (#77 Virginia Tech and #82 Maryland) to between 4 and 5 yards per play, and nuked the one terrible offense they faced (#112 Kent State).* Fear Level = who knows but maybe 8.5?

*I didn’t include Navy, because Navy is a unique monster against whom no conclusions can/should be drawn.

Michigan should worry about: Joey Bosa. He’s got 3.5 sacks and 7 TFLs. And these aren’t just-behind-the-line stuff; those TFLs are for 47 yards lost. That’s nearly seven yards per TFL. This does not bode terribly well for a matchup with Ben Braden.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Brad Bates will have a couple of weeks to break down film and identify the weaknesses in the Ohio State offense, which might be just the difference-maker.

When they play Michigan: Farewell Brady Hoke. We wish you nothing but the best, though we wish it somewhere else.

Next game: vs. Rutgers (OSU -19), 3:30 Saturday, ABC/ESPN2

Objects in the rearview mirror:

Appalachian State (1-5, 0-2 Sun Belt)

Last game: Lost to Liberty, 55-48

Recap: App State is now dead last in the country in defensive S&P+, and 126^th out of 128 in defensive FEI. That’ll happen after you give up 55 points to Liberty, an FCS team that came in 3-3 on the year.

Next game: at Troy (ASU +7.5), 3:00 Saturday, ESPN3

Notre Dame (6-0)

Believe it or not, this was a highlight for UNC (AP)

Last game: Beat North Carolina, 50-43

Recap: The Irish gave up 510 yards of offense to North Carolina, which was the most Notre Dame had surrendered since the 2012-13 National Title “game” against Alabama. UNC actually led at the start of the fourth quarter, but ND put together a pair of 81-yard touchdown drives to put the game away.

Notre Dame has now moved up to #5 in the polls, and travel to Tallahassee to take on Jameis Winston and Florida State.

[NOTE TO COPY EDITOR: Please confirm that Jameis Winston has not committed any crimes or NCAA violations before publishing this article. Or at least confirm that he hasn’t been caught committing any crimes or NCAA violations. Or that Florida State hasn’t found a way to completely ignore these crimes or NCAA violations on the grounds that you’ve gotta hear both sides and who are they to judge whether those pictures/video footage/eye witnesses of him pooping on an orphanage are real or photoshopped/staged/just haterz making things up because they hate FSU.]

Next game: at Florida State (ND +12), 8:00 Saturday, ABC

Miami (NTM) (1-6, 1-2 MAC)

Last game: Lost at Akron, 29-19

Recap: Alas, the streak is over. Miami came in riding a one-game winning streak, its longest such streak since 2012. They could not overcome the Fightin’ Bowdens No Not That Bowden The One With The Weird Blond Hair.

Andrew Hendrix threw for 352 yards, but he was sacked <EdRooneyVoice> NINE times </EdRooneyVoice>. He had one of those stat lines that looks hilarious because the NCAA counts sacks as negative rushing yards: Hendrix finished with 13 carries for -32 yards… with a long of 21 yards.

Next game: at NIU (M(NTM) +12.5), 5:00 Saturday, ESPN3

Utah (4-1, 1-1 PAC-12)

Last game: Bye

Recap: No recap. Bye.

Next game: at Oregon State (Utah -2.5), 10:00 Saturday, Pac-12 Network

Minnesota (5-1, 2-0 B1G)

You made the tackle. Congratulations. (USA Today)

Last game: Beat Northwestern, 24-17

Recap: Minnesota is now your leader in the B1G West.

I really don't have much follow-up to that sentence.

Sorry, I know you're expecting pith or snark or cherry-picked statistics, but I got nothin'.

Because Minnesota is now your leader in the B1G West.

Next game: vs. Purdue (MN -12.5), 12:00 Saturday

Rutgers (5-1, 1-1 B1G)

Last game: Bye.

Recap: No recap. Bye.

Next week, however, will be an interesting data point for Michigan. Rutgers and Michigan are (apparently, and primarily because we did inappropriate things in a previous life) comparable teams, so you should probably hope that Rutgers does not get absolutely disemboweled by the Buckeyes.

Next game: at Ohio State (RU +19), 3:30 Saturday, ABC/ESPN2