[Sponsor Note (via Seth): You guys remember Larry Axelband, my IU fan friend who used to sponsor stuff? Well he’s helping to start a new daily fantasy sports and e-sports app for player props called ThriveFantasy, and offered to sponsor an MLB Opening Day freeroll for MGoBlog readers who want to try it. They’re also willing to match up to $50 of your first deposit if you choose to make one.

Of course, this came with a condition: Larry said he wants to read a new Opponent Watch. So this being the end of the basketball line for 14/14 Big Ten teams, I’ve drafted BiSB into a serious and thoroughly informative overview of the misery beyond our borders.

But first you should go draft! Or more specifically, choose 10 out of the 20 available prop bets (plus two in case of emergency props).

Take the link, hit “Play Now” and jump in the $1,000 Freeroll. You have until 1:05 PM ET tomorrow (4/1) to get in, with a 100% deposit bonus up to $50 plus free entry in the $10k MLB Opening Day contest. We’ll also track anyone who entered from MGoBlog so we can see how you did against me. Download ThriveFantasy on your App Store or Play Store, or visit www.thrivefantasy.com. Sign up, PropUp, and Eat ‘Em Up!]

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/a door swings open. The author cautiously pokes his head around the corner. Many wise, serious people are in the room. They are somberly discussing important matters of state. Many large notepads and VHS tapes are being placed into boxes. A pot of coffee percolates on a small table. Everyone looks up.

“Hi guys.”

/the assembled brain trust seems confused, but only slightly annoyed. They return to their packing.

“Y’all want to hear a joke?”

/much scowling. A tomato is hurled from the back of the room.

About Last Night

Not yet.

Objects in the Rearview Mirror

Texas Southern (17-9, 10-3 SWAC)

What Happened: ‘Twas a stupid game. Hunter Dickinson got a Sixth Grader Playing With The Third Graders whistle. Michael Weathers shorts were too short.

Like every #1-#16 game other than that one #1-#16 game, it will be forgotten. But let the record show that there were points in the second half of this game where Michigan fans were nervous. Because we are always nervous.

LOOK, THINGS GOT TIGHT, OKAY???

LSU (19-10, 11-6 SEC)

What Happened: Will Wade, master of five-dimensional chess, came up with a brilliant game plan: tall springy man get buckets.

And for the first five minutes, this was effective. But eventually Michigan’s stubborn insistence on doin’ stuff won out.

Florida State (18-7, 11-4 ACC)

What Happened: Is “Trogdor’d” a verb? Because Michigan Trogdor’d Florida State. Michigan jumped out to a 19-8 lead, which never got tighter than 5 the rest of the way.

That was the end of Michigan’s tournament run, after the rest was cancelled. Because it was haunted.

[After THE JUMP: Big Ten Tournament teams versus the cast of Super Troopers.]

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BIG TEN TOURNAMENT TEAMS

Illinois (24-7, 16-4 B1G, #1 Seed)

It was over when: Illinois couldn’t stop Loyola from running the same offensive set over and over and over and over. As insult to injury, Loyola was immediately housed by a 12-seed, who was in turn housed by Houston.

Was it a good season? They got a banner. Two banners, if you count the one in their hearts. And they almost made the Sweet 16 for the first time since 2005. So, all in all, nice little season.

Thing they were like: Jonah Ryan from Veep. Very loud. Very mad. Based much of his argument on the idea that mathematics is a danger to society. Somehow victorious at many points, until being very roundly being brought back to earth (audio is very NSFW).

Next year? That’s the insult to the insult to the injury. This was always going to be the crest of the Illinois wave. They likely lose Ayo and Kofi and Trent Frazier and Da’Monte Williams. And while an Andre Curbelo/Giorgi Bezhanishvili production will be entertaining, it’s hard to see them not taking a step back, especially when you consider the Big Ten’s continuing Long Division Conspiracy against the Illini.

 

Ohio State (21-10, 12-8 B1G, #2 Seed)

It was over when: hehe.

hehehehe.

hehehehehehehehehe.

The name of the team. The seed of the team. It works on so many levels.

lol

Was it a good season: Not much was expected of Ohio State this season, so a #2 seed and a BTT runner-up was well above expected. Good thing, too; Ohio State fans were really due for some good fortune.

Thing they were like: lol remember the name of the team that… lol.

Next year: Duane Washington and EJ Liddell presumably return, so they will probably be among the conference favorites.

 

Iowa (22-9, 14-6 B1G, #2 Seed)

It was over when: we started to suggest that maybe, juuuuuuust maybe, if you squint your left eye and cock your head JUST SO, Iowa’s defense had become passable. Not “good,” and probably not even “decent.” But enough to make rent.

So that’s our fault, guys.

Was it a good season: As expected. Because Iowa.

Thing they were like: The Alternate Universe 2011 RichRod Michigan Football team. Fun, weird offense based around one unique dude who makes you pick your poison. Played absolutely no defense. Got flamed by anyone with a pulse. A stuffed beaver was presumably involved.

Next year: They lose Garza, so your guess is as good as mine. But they will be bad defensively. That much I promise you.

 

Purdue (18-10, 13-6 B1G, #4 Seed)

It was over when: North Texas scored the first 11 points of overtime, which is not often the recipe for good times. Truth be told, it was over when Purdue–a very mediocre 3-point shooting team–decided to launch 30 deep balls instead of going inside against a team that went 9-5 in Conference USA.

Was it a good season: I’d say they overachieved, but I still have no idea how they accomplished what they did. They built the entire offense around post touches from Austin Davis with a Powerup Mushroom Trevion Williams. They had no shooters except the one guy who was ONLY a shooter. Offensively, finished #120 in eFG%, #159 in Turnover Rate, #36 in OReb Rate, and #164 in FT rate… which somehow added up to the #26 offense in the country.

Defensively, finished #116 in eFG%, #295 in Turnover Rate, #39 in OReb Rate, and #146 in FT rate… which created the #33 defense in the country.

Combined, this led to the #23 team in the country.

Your math has no power here.

Thing they were like: Machu Picchu. Sure, it ended up looking like a bit of a wreck, but holy crap do you have any idea how hard it was to build something like this with the tools they had to work with? And especially at an elevation of five Zach Edeys above sea level.

Next year: Tell me what Jaden Ivey looks like next year, and I’ll tell you what the team looks like. He could be Ayo. He could be Corey Sanders.

 

Wisconsin (18-13, 10-10 B1G, #9 Seed)

Added an elbow shot to his jumper. [Marc-Grégor Campredon]

It was over when: Baylor located Hinkle Fieldhouse.

Was it a good season: Brad Davison shot less than 23% on 2 pointers this year in Big Ten play. It’s just important that you know that.

Thing they were like: Leroy Hoard. Hoard was a fullback for about a decade in the NFL, and you knew exactly what you were getting with him. He reportedly once told a coach, “"Coach, if you need one yard, I'll get you three yards. If you need five yards, I'll get you three yards."

Wisconsin was a very 15 Pieces of Flair team, doing only the bare minimum. They beat the teams they were supposed to beat, but in 10 games against Top-30 teams they were 1-9, with the sole win being over Loyola Chicago, who themselves didn’t beat anyone of note.

Next year: Micah Potter, Nate Reuvers, D’mitrik Trice, Brad Davison, Aleem Ford, and Trevor Anderson are all scheduled for liquidation to be fed intravenously to the underclassmen. In most years, this would make them one of the least experienced teams in the Big Ten, but… yeah, we’ll have a chat about Penn State and Minnesota and Nebraska and…

 

Rutgers (16-12, 10-10 B1G, #10 Seed)

Congratulations Rutgers. pic.twitter.com/UQ1Yzp0L3o

— Seth M. Fisher (@Misopogon) March 20, 2021

It was over when: Oh Rutgers. Not like this.

The sin was not flying too close to the sun. The sin was, once you got up there, stalling out. KEEP RUNNING OFFENSE, Steve.

Was it a good season: Weird that Rutgers’ first NCAA tournament berth since the fall of the Berlin Wall, and their first tournament win since 1983, could be considered a disappointment. But after missing a guaranteed 2020 tournament spot because /~waves arms towards 2020~/, getting out to a hot start in 2020-21, making the field, winning a game, and having a nine point lead with under five minutes left against #2 seed Houston, I can say this without irony for the first time since they joined the Big Ten: Poor Damn Rutgers.

Thing they were like: The Jamaican bobsled team in Cool Runnings. Sure, they crashed at the end, but in the end it was more about the journey and being recognized as… nah holy shit did you see that crash.

Next year: Keep. Running. Offense.

 

Maryland (17-14, 9-11 B1G0, #10 Seed)

It was over when: WHAT DO YOU MEAN OVER? AND WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? DID YOU HEAR THAT? THIS BLOGWEB THREATENED TO END ME.

Was it a good season: They took it to their arch-rival, Michigan, so it was arguably a pretty successful season.

Thing they were like:

Next year: It’ll be a Mark Turgeon team. So, you know what you’re getting. Feisty, but “toddler has a meltdown in the parking lot for unknown reasons” feisty. You’re not sure what point he’s trying to make, but damned if he isn’t gonna make that point as loudly as possible.

 

ELSEWHERE IN THE WEIGHT ROOM AND/OR COMMUNITY

The MSU Spartans Presented By Rocket Mortgage (15-13, 9-11 B1G)

It was over when: The MSU Spartans presented by Rocket Mortgage appeared to be dead in the water in mid-February when they were 4-9 in conference play. But to their credit, they clawed back to within a game of the NCAA tournament. Good effort, Sparty.

Was it a good season: Yes and no. They had the worst offense of any MSUSPBRM team in the Kenpom Era, failed to make the tournament field for the first time in 23 years, and generally looked miserable. But *I* enjoyed it. So it’s impossible to say whether it was good or bad.

Thing they were like: The Theranos blood testing machine. People put a lot of faith in it, and made a lot of excuses to defend against claims that it didn’t work, or that it wasn’t the company’s fault when things went wrong… but hooooo buddy did the thing not work. Led by a bizarre sociopath with a cult following. Lots of blood.

Next year: Hard to say. Assuming Josh Langford doesn’t opt for a ninth season, MSU is a little thin in the backcourt. The MSU Spartans will, after being presented with a “Rocket: no more,” gauge the interest of other transfers. In truth, this may just be a “tread water until Emoni Bates arrives” situation. Because once Emoni Bates arrives, things are really going to pick up for ol’ Sparty.

 

Indiana (12-15, 7-12 B1G)

Dressed to dance. [Marc-Grégor Campredon]

It was over when: the Hoosiers turned an eight-point second half lead at home against 4-9 Michigan State into a seven-point loss, the first of a six-game losing skid to end the year, and the Archie Era.

Was it a good season: If you haven’t read this Alex Kirshner piece about the nature of brutal fandom vs. happy fandom, I highly recommend it. I say this as a Michigan football fan, so you know I know of what I speak: being an Indiana basketball fan looks absolutely freeking EXHAUSTING. Like, just SO much work.

Thing they were like: The Juicero juicing machine. Similar to the Theranos machine, except (a) it kinda did what people were expecting it to do, and (b) it was somehow an even bigger waste of time and money than the thing that didn’t work at all.

Next year: I have no idea if the Mike Woodson hire is any good. But the roster is going to be an absolute shambles.

 

Penn State (11-14, 7-12 B1G)

It was over when: you’d think the answer here was “when they started the conference season 0-5.” But they crawled back to 4-7. But then they dropped back-to-back games to Michigan State and Nebraska, which… yeah, it’s over at that point.

Was it a good season: For a season that was never going to be a season, it was fine. They had an interim coach and a weird roster, and they won some games and lost some games and eventually they stopped playing.

Thing they were like: The Cheesecake Factory. Their entire gig was quantity. Penn State sucked at shooting 3’s, and REALLY sucked at shooting 2’s. But because of turnovers and rebounding margins, they got way more of their terrible, terrible shots than they allowed for their opponents. Also, watching them just left you with a heavy, bloated feeling.

Next year: New head coach Micah Shrewsberry is going to walk into… uh… Saquon Barkley Hall, I’m guessing?… like the dude wandering the streets in 28 Days Later. John Harrar, Seth Lundy, Jamari Wheeler, and Trent Buttrick are all in the transfer portal, leaving… uh… some other guys, I’m assuming. Sorry, I’ve had my fill of Penn State basketball at this point.

 

Northwestern (9-14, 6-13 B1G)

Don’t make me get down on my hands and knees. [Marc-Gregor Campredon]

It was over when: I can tell you when it SHOULD have been over. Northwestern was 6-1 (3-0) and coming off wins over #4 Michigan State and #7 Ohio State, and were ranked #19 in the country. They should have just Constanza’d. Just opt out of the rest of the season. Not because of COVID or anything. Just say, “look, we all know where this is going. So, we’ll see you next year.”

They didn’t.

They lost the next thirteen games.

Was it a good season: Did you read the part about the thirteen games?

Thing they were like: The Leroy Jenkins video. A bunch of guys plotting a mundane and cerebral–though likely unsuccessful–campaign, and one dude waiting as long as he possibly can (approximately eight seconds) before saying SCREW IT I’VE GOT THIS. The Chase Audige experience was a sheer joy.

Next year: They return most of their roster. I make no further statements about the implications of this statement.

 

Minnesota (14-15, 6-14 B1G)

It was over when:

Buster Bluth fail-son ass hire.

Was it a good season: They had wins over Michigan, Iowa, Ohio State, and Purdue? So they had THAT going for them.

Thing they were like: Generic bad basketball team with a bad coach with no particular distinguishing qualities. Think, “generic week 3 opponent in every movie or television show about a high school sports team.”

Next year: Good luck to Ben Johnson, who is definitely a real person.

 

Nebraska (7-20, 3-16 B1G)

It was over when: Listen,

Was it a good season: They had seven wins (over McNeese State, North Dakota State, South Dakota, something called Doane, Penn State, Minnesota and Rutgers), which is a mark the football team hasn’t reached since 2016. And Fred Hoiberg didn’t inadvertently escalate the panic over a global pandemic this season, so… yes?

Thing they were like:

Next year: Possible, but not recommended.