Something's been missing from Michigan gamedays since the free programs ceased being economically viable: scientific gameday predictions that are not at all preordained by the strictures of a column in which one writer takes a positive tack and the other a negative one… something like Punt-Counterpunt.

PUNT

By Bryan MacKenzie
@Bry_Mac

Every year, the college football season provides us with a small number of quality games for us to consume. We all know and appreciate the 2006 Texas vs. USC Rose Bowls and the Kick Sixes and the #M00N Games. But they can’t all be prestige films. There are a lot of butts in a lot of seats, and it simply isn’t possible to make every game into a Citizen Kane or a Face/Off.

And I don’t think this is a bug. It’s a feature. Sometimes you’re in a mood for an easygoing popcorn action movie, which is why the Big 12 exists. For those of you who appreciate the Saw franchise, I recommend three hours of Rutgers. If you enjoy extended runtime and watching people turn huge piles of money into mediocre results a la Michael Bay, Notre Dame on NBC is probably up your alley.

I still say Notre Dame’s green alternate jerseys look weird

One series, though, ran out of new ideas a long time ago, even though it continues to provide entertainment on a surface level: the Jurassic Park series.

[After THE JUMP: The history of stupid]

We get it, guys. You made dinosaurs. You think you have things under control, because we are the dominant species, but when things break down, we learn that face to face, humanity’s control is only one or two boo-boos away from vanishing in a pile of Newman’s viscera. And OH NO, would you look at that, hijinks have ensued.

Likewise, Michigan/Indiana has been mining the same plot lines for the past decade. This has left audiences both impressed by the special effects and nonplussed by the plot. Yes, yes, we get it. Michigan was the dominant species, but OH NO they’ve gotten themselves into an unexpected battle for survival, which, whew, they survived BUT THAT WAS CLOSE:

2009. #23 Michigan was attempting a brave new venture—a spread offense—and was hoping to exploit it for fun and profit. They tried to use their conference opener against a mediocre Indiana squad to take it for a test drive to show it was safe and viable. And what do you know, Indiana figured out how to open Greg Robinson’s defenses (a task comparable to opening a door, but still something we thought was out of Indiana’s abilities), racking up 467 yards at 6.6 yards per play. The Hoosiers took four separate leads, and Michigan retook the lead each time, including twice in the fourth quarter to barely escape, 36-33.

How did Indiana sneak into the building without anyone noticing?

2010. Same plot, different island. This time it was a better prepared #19 Michigan squad taking on a similarly bad Indiana team. And gee, what do you know, Greg Robinson lost control of the situation, and Denard Robinson was the Jeff Goldblum trying to piece things back together with his 494 yards of offense. Michigan barely survived, 42-35

2013. The poorly conceived “Jurassic Park: The Musical” debacle. Jeremy Gallon’s “14 catches for 369 yards” song-and-dance number strained credulity, as did the final score of 63-47. Not sure what demographic they were looking to appeal to here. The hail was a nice effect though.

2014. 34-10 Michigan. 2014 Indiana was a much more realistic version of “what would happen if a human tried to run away from a dinosaur.”

2015. Okay, enough of these half-baked squads of morons and schemers. #14 Michigan had the park up and running, and they had finally taken defensive measures that were surely sufficient to… oh, COME. ON. Fortunately, a Jake Rudock 440 yards, 6 passing touchdown deus ex machina performance allowed Michigan to perform yet another improbable escape.

2016. We’re taking no chances, and we have spared no expense. This venture features a #3 Michigan team against another sub-.500 Indiana squad. Which is all fine and good, except Michigan decided to rely on the new Optimized Kinetic Observational Reconnaissance Network (OKORN) system, which went awry to the tune of 7/16 for 59 yards.

There were some bugs in the system

Michigan escaped, 20-10, and learned a valuable lesson about…

2017. Wait… how is John O’Korn still a character? He was literally eaten by raptor-squids in the previous movie. And how does he have the same job? Most companies won’t keep your ass around if you’re responsible for an industrial accident that sees three people treated and released, let alone unleashing carnivorous dinosaurs into masses of people. Do you know what this is going to do to our insurance premiums? I mean… does Legal know about this?

2018. Didn’t even bother with a new plot in this one. Michigan has a massive advantage, but commits a series of unforced errors to keep the outcome in doubt. They did kill off a main character, though, which seemed unnecessary.

If we are to believe the trailers, though, this year’s sequel allegedly features a new twist: the dinosaurs are apparently equipped to take on the humans in a fair fight. It’s like a Planet of the Apes turn, where suddenly they have tools and weapons, like a #13 SP+ offense and a #34 SP+ defense and a guy named WHOP. If true, this would confirm my long-held suspicion: the entire Jurassic Park franchise has actually been a prequel to a reboot of Dinosaucers.

I wish I could see Indiana as a long-term threat to the established food chain in the Big Ten East, but I can’t make myself believe it just yet. Once again, Michigan leaves a few gates open and says things like “Indiana will never figure out how to get around that” and generally cause people to talk about the dangers of hubris. But once again, Michigan escapes. And learns nothing. Michigan 33, Indiana 29 (7 OT)

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COUNTERPUNT

By Internet Raj
@internetraj

Visionary leaders through time share a singular, critical trait: the ability to suddenly and decisively pivot from a stagnant or even floundering path and instead blast off on the meteoritic trajectory for which their legacies are eventually memorialized. Stated differently, these are people who, when they are backed in a corner, when the odds are stacked against them, they can flip a switch and change their destiny.

Steve Jobs? He was fired from Apple and then just started wearing black turtlenecks and boom, he came back and made the company into the trillion-dollar giant it is today. Reed Hastings? He was sitting around his basement licking stamps on envelopes filled with DVD copies of Lost in Space and was probably feeling super lazy and was like “hey man let’s just stream all this shit on a server,” and boom, Netflix. Mark Zuckerberg? He listened to Justin Timberlake and deleted the “the” before “facebook” and boom, the company became a unicorn overnight. Elon Musk? He shoved some Energizers into the gas tank of his Ford Taurus and boom, you got Tesla. That guy who founded IBM? He was into some freak shit and one fateful day just said, “fuck it, let’s put a weird red nipple in the middle of the keyboard” and boom you got the Thinkpad. Sergey Brin and Larry Page? One day they were in their mom’s basement wondering who that guy at IBM was that invented the red nipple and they were like what if we made a website that could figure that out and boom, you got Google. Tony Gerderman? He dropped out of Intro to Geocities in his first semester ITT Tech and boom, you got TheOzone.

Ryan Day’s post game presser next week

Add another name to that list because I have no idea what Jim Harbaugh did at halftime of the Michigan-Penn State game, but this Wolverine squad has pivoted faster than Mark Dantonio answering questions about a concussed player. All we can glean from publicly available sources comes from ESPN’s Maria Taylor, who reported that Harbaugh invoked the words of Winston Churchill when he declared that the second half of the game “will be our finest hour.”

His proclamation largely rang true, as the Wolverines rallied back admirably against the Nittany Lions, only to lose in heartbreaking fashion when Shea Patterson's fourth down throw to the endzone slipped through Ronnie Bell’s hands. The momentum did not stop there, either: since the PSU game, Michigan has rattled off three consecutive wins and are playing their most inspired and coherent football of the season. The switch was flipped: in the 3.5 games since, Michigan has outscored its opponents by a margin of 141-38, outgained its opponents by 752 yards over those 3.5 games, shook Brian Kelly so much even OSHA was like “whoa”, bullied Maryland so badly even DJ Durkin was like “hey now”, and smacked Mark Dantonio so hard even Glenn Winston was like “chill bro.”

Michigan before halftime at Penn State vs. Michigan after halftime at Penn State

Here’s the thing, though: momentum aside, today’s game against Indiana is sandwiched between the complete evisceration and humiliation of our instate rival, Michigan State, and the season finale against our ultimate rival, Ohio State. While it may be tempting to overlook the Hoosiers, Michigan would be doing so at its own peril. Indiana is Actually Good, folks. The Hoosiers are 7-3 and are knocking on the doorstep what would be just their sixth 8-win season in program history.

But the flip has been switched. Michigan is on a tear. We haven’t lost to Indiana since the year I was born. We’re going to win this fourth game in a row. And the week after? We’ll be taking the fifth, just like Mark Dantonio at his offseason depo.

The switch has been flipped.

Michigan 55, Indiana 7, LFG 1000000000000