Thank you all for meeting on short notice.

: Is everyone here? We have a lot of things to discuss, including some pretty big news. Also, is everyone alright if I take off the mask?

: Go for it Kevin. People know by now anyways.

: That feels so much better.

: All hail Fox. Glory to Fox.

: Sorry I'm late. Had a big interview with Fox to be their new lead anchor.

: My fist pumpeth for thee! Fox, ye told me not thou w'art raising Urban o' th' Grind?

: Uh, I didn't know that either. Who did you talk to?

: (whom).

: You know, Jason.

: Jason…Caneira? Not Eric or Mark?

: I'm bad with names. Eric Ormark sounds right.

: It would have been Eric Shanks.

: ..anks, yeah, that's the guy.

: I'm sorry, did you say Fox? I meant ABC.

---------------------

: Oh, okay. Take your seat, Urban. First, of course, in accordance with our bylaws, everybody please stand and give your salute to our current conference champion.

: I don't think we should have that rule anymore.

: Everybody, we no longer have that rule anymore.

: Wait, what? No! I want my salute.

: Huh?

: Mel,

: We're the champions. We beat Michigan.

: Sure you did.

: Made rings and everything. I tell you what guys, KW's gonna run up 400 on Georgia as soon as our invitation comes.

: Mel, what the hell reality are you living in?

: Yeah Mel. Going by SP+ you guys were no better than 3-9 Nebraska.

: Maybe that means we were really an 11-2 team.

: Maybe it means winning football games is all about coaching, and that's why they're paying me more than sleepover boy over there.

: That joke's almost as old as your recruits.

: Uh, please let's move on. As you all know, the integrity of competition is very important to us. And I got a call last night around 1 a.m. that I think solves our whole CJ Stroud can't throw in the sno…

…err, I mean the perception that the Big Ten is too cold in November problem. What would you all say to expansion?

: No, leave the nets alone; scoring's high enough as it is.

: I meant adding two new members.

: PLEDGES?

: Forsooth! Doth this mean prior pledges shall be inducted into thine broskiehood?

: Shut up pledge. Get me a beer.

: Beer me too.

: Beer.

: Milk. Whole.

: Cocktail for me.

: Got an energy drink?

: SERVE ME. A HIGH BALL.

: This beeth many margs. Maryland, wilst thou assist?

: I'm not with that guy.

: I'll have a beer.

: Three beers.

: Bret, do you really need—

: You're not my dad!

: I'm sorry Knight, Terp. This isn't about elevating you to full members yet.

: Why're you including me? I've got the best quarterback IN this conference, what more do you want?

: A front seven?

: Maybe a positive touchdown-interception ratio?

: Where's Taulia on the draft boards again?

: Produced any NFL quarterbacks lately?

: Uh, Justin Fields?

: Right, because if any NFL franchise can develop a QB it's [checks notes] the Bears.

: Just you watch, my team was young; they've learned a lot over the offseason.

: Like how the pee pee goes in the potty?

: Some of them, yeah. You'll see.

: It's harder than it looks.

: Anyway fellas, what do you think? Go up to 16?

: No.

: Kirk, you don't even know who I'm talking about yet.

: (whom).

: No. We're not inviting Iowa State.

: It's not Iowa State!

: Oh.

: In fact, one of them is a HUGE football name.

:O

: Not Notre Dame.

:(

: But almost Notre Dame. Actually he's really good rivals with Notre Dame. Gentlemen of the Intercollegiate Conference of Faculty Representatives, I'm proud to introduce our newest member, give it up for….

U!!!!!!! S!!!!!! C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

: …

: And UCLA.

: I'm sorry, whom?

: Did you say "You-Sex-Y?"

: Warren, my dude, did you get us a stripper?

: His't sword be not longe enough for that, methinks, and wouldst not his abdominal situation be'eth more display'd?

: He reminds me of the guy from that porno Mel's always putting on.

: That's not a porn it's a Zack Snyder movie!

: Oh man, it's a hoot when you play it in the stadium.

: INVIGORATING!

: Lol. Spar-TANS! What is your profession?

: How's the Hoo Hoo Hoo business lately, Mel?

: Don't make me come over there.

: Uh oh, TUCK COMIN y'all!

: I'm warning you! Keviiiiin!

: Guys, how many times do I have to tell you: Take Michigan State seriously!

: You're kidding, right?

: Is it always like this with you guys?

: OH, YES. THEY TELL JOKES. BUT WHAT THEY DON'T REALIZE. IS THAT I *GET* JOKES!

: I don't think it's a joke; I know that guy from somewhere.

: Me too. Hey buddy, you ever been to an Insight Bowl?

: Guys, it's USC!

: S.C. Oh right. I think we just recruited a kid out of there.

: *You* got a recruit?

: Yeah. Hey there little guy. How's things in Columbia?

: I'm not…that's South Carolina! I'm the OTHER USC. You know me, man!

: Sorry, not ringing a bell.

: You know: "What's your deal?"?

: James, you and I just talked this offseason. Tell them who I am.

: Uh, we've never met.

: You *just* asked me to pretend to be interested in hiring you!

: Don't recall.

: I believe your exact words were "I've lost 10 of my last 17 Big Ten games, ruined three promising quarterbacks because I can't build an offensive line, and with your help I'm still going to bilk these Paterno cultists for whatever Tucker got."

: Nope, white and blue, through and through.

: Man, you guys lie worse than Arizona State.

: Whoa! Hey Now! No need for that. Sun Devil's a good dude.

: You know Arizona State but not me…?

: Well yeah. Good hockey school down there.

: Better than Mankato, I'd say.

: Gettin' there, but that's a bold statement. That top line of Smith, Napravnik, and Furry…

: Oh, hey, I've got a hockey team! I could probably move it up to D-I if you guys have a league.

: USC, why don't you tell us a little about yourself.

: Uh, sure. I'm pretty old, play in a sort of Roman Coliseum. Recruit a lot of five-stars who go to the NFL. Carson Palmer. Reggie Bush, OJ Simpson…

: You recruited a murderer and you're proud of it?

: Not that there's anything wrong with that.

: I want to hear about your academics. Are you AAU?

: Yeah, so we're private. Got a good film school—like people literally commit crimes to get into it. Hollywood's next door, so Snoop and people hang out with me a lot. Used to be really good at baseball, but been struggling with that.

: Oh yeah, get that.

: Same.

: Yeah, baseball's a lost cause man, sorry.

: Oh, hey, you guys, guess what: I've got the best baseball program in the country! Like for real, I could host all of you at my place in February and March, and give you all legitimacy just by playing me. Just ask Oregon State!

: Where are you from, USC?

: Uh…S-C? You know, SoCal?

…

: Southern California?

: Wait, like where they keep the Rose Bowl?

: Yeah, I've been to the Rose Bowl. Lots of times, actually.

: Wooowwww Rose Bowl! So cool! I love Rose Bowls. Pasadena. So pretty. I've been twice!

: Um, guys, I play in the Rose Bowl.

: I knoweth not this bailiwick. Be it perchance a club of dance for th' bumping upon of meatballs?

: I'd be happy to have any of you over if you want.

: A Rose Bowl is like an Orange Bowl except the winner gets to be No. 2.

: Wait, I *do* know you. You're the guy who lost to Tavita Pritchard!

: That was one of four times we played, yes. But you know I beat you right after that.

: I remember. You were standing right there, and the worst quarterback I ever coached was standing over here, and he threw a last-drive touchdown over here…

: Yes, yes, it was a big upset. Pete's still mad if you want to know.

: You know Juwan and I talk all the time...?

: I went 1-3 against you?

: 3-1.

: Ah. Right. Well you're okay in my book.

: So glad to hear it.

: So, uh, why do you want to join us?

: Is it the challenge of shaping the singular spirits of young men through competitive exertion?

: Got sick of passing?

: All the other kids wanted to play basketball?

: Your mom thought you needed to get your grades up?

: Uh, no. I came for, you know… Money?

:

: The horror.

: What's that?

: I came for the basketball, honestly.

: Oh cumong you guys! I'm getting the same NIL requests from the kids as you. You dudes are the richest conference in college football, about to negotiate the biggest TV contract in history, are out here bragging about your $10,000 set of knives. Meanwhile we made Larry Scott a 50-millionaire to make us a glorified QVC—like I kid you not the Pac12 Network was selling game-worn Wazzu pants yesterday morning. Well I'm not getting left out in the cold. I want in. Let's rake in the dollahs and make our players the richest mofos in sports! Amirite?

: Wow.

: Hmm.

: About the cold,

: So, uh, listen, uhm, is it the Warriors…?

: It's Trojans.

: Fie!

: Yeah, so we don't really use the money on recruiting.

: That would be transactional. We're transformational, don't you see?

: You've got be shittin me. I thought it was only the SEC that believed in slavery.

: Who do you think rows boats?

: (whom)!

: None of you are giving that money back to your players?

: I mean, maybe if one of them loses a tooth or something?

: Bullshit. I know for a fact Ohio State does; we get into bidding wars all the time.

: Urban, is this true?

: Let me investigate.

: Nope, can't find anything.

: Thanks for your vigilance.

: They're lying. Illinois, I saw you just give Terrence Shannon…

: We're not liars, Trojan. Our degrees are more than valuable enough!

: Right!

: Go ahead and say something.

: WE DON'T PAY PEOPLE TO FOOTBALL. YOU KNOW IT AND I KNOW IT. THAT'S QUITTING. WE DON'T QUIT. QUITTERS QUIT. YOU'VE GOT CHARACTER. PEOPLE WITH CHARACTER. DON'T DO THAT. THEY DON'T QUIT. OR PAY PEOPLE. WE DON'T QUIT OR PAY PEOPLE.

: Iowa, you just got a 5-star recruit last week!

: Yep, and he's not getting a nickel.

: I can't believe it.

: You could use a nickel, Kirk.

: So what do you do with all the money?

: Keep it?

: Child care.

: Hospitals.

: Parties.

: Spray tannery.

: I built a really big glass house.

: What?

: I see…

: And we pay an Ohio State article tax.

: *THE* Ohio State.

: Sorry. The Ohio State article tax.

[hands over a $20]

: Yes, sadly just as NIL started, Ohio State copyrighted a word which, suffice to say, costs us dearly at every utterance. Sometimes it's all we can do to cover our THEs.

: (thous).

: Un-fucking-believable. You all pay Ohio State to use the word 'The'?

: Some of us use 'dah' instead.

: It's important to follow the spirit of the law.

: And Ohio State has lawyers.

: You all have lawyers. You can't breathe on a piece of paper here in LA without an attorney with a Michigan degree popping up to read it first.

: Yeah, but lawyers from those other schools all get jobs in law.

: I'm sorry if this comes as a shock to you, Trojan, but it's just how things are here. I hope this doesn't put you off from joining us.

: Nah. I mean, still beats dealing with internet Oregon fans.

: Do you have any more questions about us?

: Any of you into beach volleyball?

: Um, on the "Free calls against Michigan,"

: Wait, what? We have those?

: Alas, I hath forgotten this sincehence 2014.

: It means what it says. If there's a key moment just signal to the ref...

: No, I get it. I've used your guys a few times, and know how to gaslight them about it afterwards. Just, is there a limit or...?

: No limit, just don't abuse it.

: Or abuse it, whatever. It's funny to see Craig Ross go off.

: I'm still a little unclear on why we're expanding. Aren't we putting a huge travel burden on all of our other sports?

: Um,

: YEAH, HOW IS THIS AFFECTING BASKETBALL?

: If I'm not mistaken, I have as many basketball titles as the rest of you combined.

: Doesn't USC have old friends and rivals they're leaving?

: Yeah, and where is this going? Are we just trying to make super-conferences so that shortsighted TV networks can consolidate fandom to a charmless, exploitative NFL model where the league dictates which team fans are supposed to root for and how?

: THIS MEETING IS ADJOURNED!

………………………………….

[To be continued.]