OT MGoQuestion: What's your go-to joke?
Here’s mine:
A Frenchman, an American, a nun, and a Swedish girl are all sitting in a train compartment. The train goes through a tunnel and everything goes pitch black. While in the tunnel, everyone hears a loud slapping noise. When they exit the tunnel, the Frenchman has a large red mark on his cheek.
The nun thinks to herself, “The Frenchman probably groped the Swedish girl, so the Swedish girl slapped him.”
The Swedish girl thinks to herself, “The Frenchman probably meant to grope me, but accidentally groped the nun, and the nun slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks to himself, “The American probably groped the Swedish girl, and the Swedish girl slapped me by accident.”
The American is hoping the train will go through another tunnel so he can slap the Frenchman again.
that joke is way too long and requires too much thought.... i don't get it :(
On a rainy day, a little Indian from a tribe goes to his chief and asks, "Chief, how do you name all the people of our tribe?"
The Chief replies,"Oh, it quite easy. When baby born, I look outside, first thing I see moving in wilderness name baby just that."
"How so?" asks the Indian.
"Well," replies the Chief, "if I see coyote running in field, I name baby Running Coyote, if I see eagle flying , I name baby Soaring Eagle, if I see bull sit, I name baby Sitting Bull."
"I now understand" says the little Brave.
The Chief then turns to the little one and says, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Did you hear the one about the guy who got shot and it blew off the whole left part of his face...?
You didn't?
Well, don't worry, he's ALL RIGHT...
/ZING!
.... "The first guy says, 'Well I''m an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.' And the second guy says, 'Well I am a pimp so I drive a cheap Escort.' And the third guy says, 'I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."
Shout out to Michael Scott
I almost had Awesome Blossom come out of my nose!
A baby seal walks into a club...
Yeah, I used this metaphor once to describe a situation "....it was like clubbing baby seals" and needless to say it didnt go over very well. #damnhippies
My favorite. I feel kinda bad about that.
he's on suicide watch
Why was Russell Crowe smiling after he ate a woman?
He was gladiator.
What did the cannibal do after he ate his girlfriend?
He dumped her.
Call a guy in a hottub?
Stu
Thanks Obama
with a duck on his head. The doctor asks "What happened?" The duck says, "It started out with a bump on my ass."
bewbs
im more of a comment guy than a story guy.
Don't play leapfrog with a unicorn.
but you might get more than you expect
Don't eat yellow snow. Or. If it looks like shit and smells like shit. It probably is shit.
Why do midgets laugh when they run??
...because the grass tickles their nuts.
(My grandma spit her teeth out at that one)
sorry chuck, though everyone enjoys jokes at the expense of the French, the small payoff at the end does not justify the length of that joke. you have to go with something shorter and that requires less thought.
I respectfully disagree. It was a bit long, but my dislike for the French is enough that it was worth it to me.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but they have to be horny.
Two, but I'm not sure how they get in there.
A Priest, a guy with a parrot on his shoulder, and a Polish man walk into a bar.... the barkeep yells "What is this,some kinda joke? Get the hell out of my bar"
A Jew, a Polak, and a Mexican walk into a bar, and the barkeep says "Get the fuck out"
Guy walks into the bar, sits down and after a while bets the bartender $10 that he can bite his own eye. The bartendder accepts the bet, whereupon the guy takes a set of false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them on his left eye.
The bartender grumbles and hands over the $10. The guy says, "That really wasn't fair. I'll bet you $20 I can bite my other eye." The bartender thinks this is a sure bet and accepts. The guy then takes out his right eye, a glass eye, and bites it. Now the bartender is furious and slaps a $20 on the bar.
"Now I really feel bad," says the guy. "Tell you what. I'll give you a chance to win $50. I'll bet you that if you slide a shot glass down the bar past me, I can piss into it without a single drop going outside the glass."
The bartender thought and said, "Okay pal, you're on!"
He went to the end of the bar, slid the shot glass and the guy totally missed, leaving the bar dripping.
"Well, I guess you finally lost!" said the bartender in triumph.
"That depends on how you look at it," said the guy. "See that table full of guys over in the corner? I bet them $100 that I would piss all over you bar."
You forgot to add, "and not only would you not kick me out, but you'd be smiling about it!"
I was just looking that up! Warning NSFW language. Joke starts at 0:40.
No way he takes the second bet, as he can easily clamp his false teeth over the other eye, too. You messed up the order of the first two bets.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7, 8, 9!
Ok, I'm done.
with little kid humor, I will share two that never fail to get my kids laughing.
What did the boy Volcano Say to the Girl Volcano?
I LAVA YOU
And this is from the movie "Wreck It Ralph" where they go into a game called Hero's Duty
Why did the Hero flush the toilet?
Because it was his DUTY!!!
on me every time too!
it's "tutor." Use of the word "Fart" is forbidden by my wife.
How often does the word Tutor come up though?
You should brag about yourself to the kids and say: "not to TOOT my own horn but..."
I must have the sense of humor of a 5-year old.
It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
Two guys driving and their car breaks
So they got to a fruit farmer and say "Fruit farmer do you have a place for us to stay tonight"
The fruit farmer replies "Sure you can stay in the loft upstairs, but you had better not touch my daughter.
His daughter was a knock and a slut, so the two guys screwed the hell out of her
The next day the fruit farmer says since you disobeyed me i want each of you to go out in my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favorite fruit.
Relieved, the two guys go to work, so the two guys set out to pick there fruit
The first guy comes back with a hundred cherries.
To his surprise he finds himself staring at a double-barrelled shotgun
And the fruit farmer says "Now shove them all up you ass"
Well the guy gets to 25 and he starts giggling,
He gets to 50 and he starts laughing,
Finally gets to a hundred and he is laughing so hard pees a small stream down the inside of his trousers
Not amused the fruit farmer yells "What the hell so goddamn funny?"
The guy replies "I'm just laughing at my buddy because he is picking watermelons"
Q: How many Indie kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It's an obscure number. You probably haven't heard of it.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 36. 1 to change the light bulb and 35 to do the environmental impact study.
Q: How many Berkleyites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 15. 1 to change the light bulb and 14 to share in the experience.
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wanna go for a bike ride?
How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A train.