An Ethical Conundrum: How Far Would YOU Go for a UM CFB NC?
Be honest: What is the worst thing you would do (or allow to happen, for instance) for UM football to win a national championship, say, next year? Assume, for a moment, that you are omnipotent, or gifted limited omnipotence to make just this one decision, choosing between allowing some terrible outcome or event to happen and a UM NC.
Here are some potential choice sets to ponder:
1. UM NC, but you don't stop an offshore earthquake that creates a tsunami and kills everyone on a lightly populated Pacific island?
2. UM NC, but you can't stop the sudden death of all the world's koalas and pandas (which are pretty much the same stupid animal)?
3. UM NC, but you prevent the discovery of a cure for a cancer that kills only, like, 6 people each year?
You get the idea. Feel free to provide an example of what you'd do (or fail to stop) to ensure a UM NC in CFB...
November 20th, 2019 at 11:32 AM ^
I'd call Brian Cook a dork to his face.
November 20th, 2019 at 12:46 PM ^
You wouldn't do that anyway? What are you afraid of?
November 20th, 2019 at 11:33 AM ^
Last time I just had to fly to Cali
November 20th, 2019 at 11:36 AM ^
I would not sacrifice a single human life for UofM football. I would have no problem slaughtering a few puppies or something like that.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:39 AM ^
See....I'm the opposite. I love dogs more than people.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:54 AM ^
LOVE (and agree with) the ratio between Gucci & Sydney's responses. Sorry to all of those people on some island wherever, I'm working on training my canine companions to howl harmony on "Temptation."
(yes, "LOL." I mean, of COURSE "LOL")
(sorta)
November 20th, 2019 at 3:01 PM ^
I hate humans, but I think they have inherent value. If dogs have value, then things like flies must also have value. I can’t see any truth to life where dogs are some special anointed animal. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t actually choose a dogs life over a humans, so sorry for the too serious responses. Lol
November 20th, 2019 at 3:17 PM ^
Curious about this(and being very serious, no snark intended)... regarding value:
Canines can assist the blind, elderly, vets. They can sniff out a lost child, rescue someone from an avalanche. They can detect drugs, bombs, cancer, seizures. Dogs have intelligence, can think, and have emotions. Wherever wolves have been reintroduced heritage ecosystems reappear and native flora and fauna flourish.
A fly lays eggs in shit.
How are these two value propositions equal other than they are both life on this rock?
November 20th, 2019 at 3:38 PM ^
Unless it's family, I would absolutely choose a dog's life over a human's life. I'm being serious. The world is not overpopulated with dogs. It is, however, overpopulated with humans.
November 20th, 2019 at 3:45 PM ^
Wow I hope that’s not true. That’s really sad. If humans are not special then why even get out of bed ?
Mans yes dogs can help humans in somebody ways, so can an iPad. The value of a dog exists in how it isn’t valued by humans. Humans are born with value, no other animal on earth is. If you don’t believe this I don’t see why you bother to do anything in life, as it’s all meaningless if you are correct in your thinking.
November 20th, 2019 at 8:38 PM ^
You sound like the villain of a movie where the hero is a dog.
November 21st, 2019 at 2:52 PM ^
This is pure nonsense, Gucci Mane.
November 20th, 2019 at 3:39 PM ^
double post fail
November 20th, 2019 at 3:43 PM ^
You must be a blast at parties...
November 20th, 2019 at 11:35 PM ^
I'm sure flies have value, like food for spiders and other insects. But they carry diseases because they wallow in shit and bacteria and, like mosquitoes, spread harmful diseases to humans and therefore can kill humans. But they are part of our current ecosystem and seem to keep things balanced so I endure them but will kill the MFers if they land on me or my food.
Dogs on the other hand are sentient beings who love and experience pain and joy, just like humans. They bring joy to people and are wonderful companions when treated properly. They deserve a level of respect as beings on this planet. Fuck people that mistreat and abuse any household pet. They are not on the same level as child abusers but it's pretty damn close, IMO.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:40 AM ^
Okay Michael Vick.
November 20th, 2019 at 3:40 PM ^
I hear chickens might do the trick.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:46 PM ^
"I would not sacrifice a single human life for UofM football. I would have no problem slaughtering a few puppies or something like that."
Ask someone abused by Jerry Sandusky if they feel the same way.
November 21st, 2019 at 10:02 AM ^
WHy would victims of Sandusky want to kill humans ? Not getting that one.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:36 AM ^
UM wins national championship and I win the lottery
November 20th, 2019 at 11:37 AM ^
I'd straight up kill a man with my bare hands then kick his dog.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:39 AM ^
Please don't kick dogs.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:38 PM ^
Agreed. Jokes like this are cringe worthy and sad.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:46 AM ^
Might i suggest using your BEAR hands?
November 20th, 2019 at 11:39 AM ^
Worst thing I would allow is hiring Urban.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:43 AM ^
I'd take #2 for sure - Pandas are stupid fucking animals that shouldn't exist anyways, they are literally TRYING to become extinct and we won't let them. So, Michigan gets a championship and we allow nature to actually work? Sign me up.
I'd take #3 too, so long as I don't know the people. In that case, it's not stopping something that was going to happen vs. actively causing harm. I can mentally block passive sins pretty easily.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:57 AM ^
RIP MeanJoe
November 20th, 2019 at 12:37 PM ^
Koalas are fucking horrible animals. They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally - their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognise it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behaviour to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death. This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life. Speaking of stupidity and food, one of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that additionally to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they eat) have almost no nutritional value. They can't afford the extra energy to think, they sleep more than 80% of their fucking lives. When they are awake all they do is eat, shit and occasionally scream like fucking satan. Because eucalyptus leaves hold such little nutritional value, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end. Unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal. Many herbivorous mammals have adaptations to cope with harsh plant life taking its toll on their teeth, rodents for instance have teeth that never stop growing, some animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have enlarged molars that distribute the wear and break down plant matter more efficiently... Koalas are no exception, when their teeth erode down to nothing, they resolve the situation by starving to death, because they're fucking terrible animals. Being mammals, koalas raise their joeys on milk (admittedly, one of the lowest milk yields to body ratio... There's a trend here). When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn't want to be eaten), it finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves. To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother's anus until she leaks a little diarrhoea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on. This partially digested plant matter gives him just what he needs to start developing his digestive system. Of course, he may not even have needed to bother nuzzling his mother. She may have been suffering from incontinence. Why? Because koalas are riddled with chlamydia. In some areas the infection rate is 80% or higher. This statistic isn't helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape. Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating. If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree, which brings us full circle back to the brain: Koalas have a higher than average quantity of cerebrospinal fluid in their brains. This is to protect their brains from injury... should they fall from a tree. An animal so thick it has its own little built in special ed helmet. I fucking hate them.
November 20th, 2019 at 12:40 PM ^
Yeah, sure, if it gets us more from the football gods, throw them in the fire too. I just really want to stress how much pandas should be extinct though.
November 20th, 2019 at 12:47 PM ^
I'm starting a sports team and naming it the Koalas just to piss you off.
November 20th, 2019 at 1:10 PM ^
Why do you know so much about koalas if you had them so? I did find your hate-filled rant informative and entertaining as hell though. Anything else you hate? Start a diary. I'd read that shit.
November 20th, 2019 at 1:22 PM ^
An especially high concentration of koala-farmed facts here, amigo. An unnatural amount of facts actually. I think this guy has personally sampled that anal seepage and is a Koala juicer!! You and Bachi are bros!!
Prove me wrong!!!!!
November 20th, 2019 at 1:45 PM ^
I'm not saying this cat and Bachie aren't bros, but you've never not seen them in the same room together.
November 20th, 2019 at 3:32 PM ^
Greatest. Post. Ever.
November 20th, 2019 at 3:47 PM ^
I don’t know if any of that is true, but if it is, then that is one incredibly impressive post. If it isn’t true, then the post is even more impressive. +1, sir.
November 20th, 2019 at 4:03 PM ^
He stole it. I am truly heartbroken. I felt as though I had just witnessed greatness... https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/5u1l9x/koalas_are_terrible_animals/
November 20th, 2019 at 4:48 PM ^
Plagiarism on the Internet. For shame. Just give the source dude!
November 20th, 2019 at 4:41 PM ^
That was pretty brutal. I may have to call off my feud with my MGoArchEnemy MeanJoe07 and help him defend himself from the forces of human bigotry!
November 20th, 2019 at 11:42 PM ^
Wow, did a koala fuck your wife or steal your girlfriend?
November 20th, 2019 at 11:45 AM ^
I might get in my car and drive straight to the Andromeda galaxy. I wouldn't even stop for gas. Might pack a lunch box, but other than that...
November 20th, 2019 at 11:47 AM ^
I would not do any of that.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:48 AM ^
Never for the life of me will understand why people are talking about playoffs, national titles etc when we’re on our longest B1G title drought ever.
Walk before you can run.
November 20th, 2019 at 11:51 AM ^
Because its entertainment and what does it matter?
We're not the ones playing the games.
November 20th, 2019 at 12:59 PM ^
Thank you for saying this.
I hate it when a fan tells other fans something to the effect of, "one game at a time." Nothing we say has any bearing on future games. If we as fans are looking ahead at OSU, for example, that doesn't mean the team is. At this point, though, the team should be looking ahead at OSU every fucking year. That shit worked for OSU. When Tressel got there, he focused on Michigan right away and look where it got them. Two losses to UM since 2003. That is unreal.
November 20th, 2019 at 12:01 PM ^
So, you find the discussion of winning an NC unrealistic, but don't mention the part about getting temporary omnipotence or the sudden death of all the world's stupid bears, etc? Gotcha...
November 20th, 2019 at 12:10 PM ^
What I’m saying is at this point I would do some stuff for a B1G title. That should be the real question.
November 20th, 2019 at 12:31 PM ^
WD implying he would do butt stuff for a big ten championship?
November 20th, 2019 at 12:34 PM ^
I’m sure he’s been trying.