Wildcat Links: The Preview, The Podcast, FFFF Offense (chart), FFFF Defense (chart)

Something's been missing from Michigan gamedays since the free programs ceased being economically viable: scientific gameday predictions that are not at all preordained by the strictures of a column in which one writer takes a positive tack and the other a negative one… something like Punt-Counterpunt.

PUNT

By Bryan MacKenzie
@Bry_Mac

There is a storytelling principle known as “Chekhov’s Gun.” It is named after Russian author and playwright Anton Chekhov, who believed that an author should “remove everything that has no relevance to the story. If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there.” The idea is that only necessary story elements should be included, and that extraneous items should be removed.

The problem, though, is that “necessary” is a loaded term. Because Jack Bauer pooping may not have been necessary to move the plot forward. Jack Bauer probably needed to poop.

The show “24” (somehow) ran for nine seasons on Fox between 2001 and 2014. The premise of the show was that the action was being presented in real time; every minute on the screen represented a minute of time in the fictional world. Main character Jack Bauer had one day to foil a nuclear explosion or a kidnapping or a nuclear explosion or an assassination attempt or a nuclear explosion, using nothing but his wits and torture. SO much torture. Electrodes EVERYWHERE.

[After THE JUMP: Playing bend don’t break with child labor laws]

But, famously, during most seasons, Bauer doesn’t eat. He doesn’t drink. And he never uses the bathroom. He just runs and yells and tortures for 24 straight hours.

Pictured: Jack, not peeing

Several theories have been floated for this phenomenon. Many think that he, like many of us, pees during commercial breaks. So like a game on the ACC Network, it happens, but no one sees it. Or maybe he just holds it, deactivating nuclear bombs strapped to the President while his back teeth are floating LIKE REAL MEN DO. Some people think he doesn’t NEED to bother himself with the simple comforts of human life like a full tummy and an empty bladder, because he is a cyborg sent from the future to make Americans feel better after 9/11 that we could electrocute our way back to normalcy. But he owns a refrigerator, which appears to be stocked with food. So that theory is out.

Regardless, this is hardly a unique scenario. Lots of movies and TV shows ignore the parts of life that are critical but thoroughly uninteresting. The Rocky IV training montage is wonderful and powerful, but it cuts out HOURS-LONG debates between Rocky and Duke over the Eagles; the QB controversy between Ron Jaworski and rookie Randall Cunningham, whether the defensive problems were scheme or personnel, and whether ownership had any sort of plan to get them back to the playoffs.

Medical dramas omit the massive piles of paperwork. Courtroom dramas ignore the months of discovery and procedural motions. Movies about Wall Street love the cocaine parties, but they ignore the hours of meeting with Pete from Regulatory. And I suppose Chekhov would say, “you don’t need it,” but Pete would say, “okay fine but you’re going to end up with huge SEC fines for completely avoidable reasons.” Pete is a pain in the ass, but he’s probably right.

Northwestern is the TPS Report of the Big Ten. It’s the fifth bullet point on your resume when you describe your current job responsibilities. It isn’t exciting, but it’s technically necessary if the real plot is going to move forward. When you’re looking at the season schedule, no one circles Northwestern on the calendar. But it’s on the calendar, much like the tax filing deadline or “Pick up Mother-in-Law from Airport, 11:15.” It might not make the family newsletter this year, but you better do it. Fortunately, this year is little the paperwork looks pretty straightforward.

Michigan 41, Northwestern 10

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COUNTERPUNT

By Internet Raj
@internetraj

Hi Counterpunt readers, this is Internet Raj’s nephew here. You may remember me from prior posts. Usually, once every year or so, my uncle calls me and goes on an incoherent rant about how he “doesn’t give two shits” about a particular Michigan football opponent and then asks me to fill in as his substitute for this column. He’s only paying me $5 to do this which is pretty messed up because I’m only 12 years old and I’m pretty sure that he’s not only breaking child labor laws, he’s also paying me well below the statutory minimum wage.

This time, he’s asked me to write about the Northwestern Wildcats. I asked him if he had any helpful advice about our opponent, but all he said was “Dude, I dunno man, they suck ass” and “Honestly I don’t care at all about this game, I’m already on to next week against MSU.” I’m not sure why he swears around a 12-year-old so much but that’s pretty cool. I don’t think my mom reads this column so I’m pretty sure I can swear here too. Shit damn hell ass.

I love watching college football and my favorite team is Michigan. That’s mostly because Uncle Raj indoctrinated me into being a Michigan fan from age 5 and convinced me that rooting for Michigan would teach me valuable lessons like “Endless suffering can harden one’s soul into an unbreakable, unfeeling callous capable of withstanding the torment of a thousand suns” and “The abyss of endless time swallows all.” I have no idea what any of that means, but honestly it hasn’t been much fun cheering for Michigan. I kind of wish I was an Ohio State fan.

Anyways, on to Northwestern. I tried to do some research watching the Wildcats on YouTube but their games were way too boring. Also, I don’t have any semblance of an attention span and I can barely even focus on writing this column because the only way kids my age can convey and consume information is via TikToks where people do cringey dances while pointing at a series of superimposed and oversimplified captions.

On the one hand, it seems like my uncle was right. Northwestern is horrible on offense and defense. Their coach looks clueless half the time and looks like a guy that plays Henchman #3 and who Batman interrogates for information while dangling him off the side of a building.

On the other hand, Northwestern has really cool team colors. I love purple and black, the whole uniform looks pretty sick. Also, even though this game is in Ann Arbor there’s not much of a home field advantage because there will probably be the same number of Northwestern fans at this game than there would have been in Evanston. Another key factor to remember is that Michigan is probably thinking ahead to next week’s game against that team whose coach is currently house hunting in Baton Rouge. And don’t forget the Northwestern colors are really cool. So I think Northwestern is going to keep this game close.

Alright, I think I fulfilled my contractual duties here for this bullshit $5. I mean come on, $5 in this inflationary environment? Now I’m off to meet up with my other friends so we can walk around town in an intimidating group and point and laugh at the shoes some guy in his mid-30s (who’s definitely not my uncle) is wearing and then make him replay that scene over and over again in his head all day while he wonders to himself if New Balances really aren’t cool anymore.

Michigan 13 Northwestern 10