Geoffery Presser 9-24-19
Can you describe the incident from your point of view?
I was aware I was not aware of a situation that may or may not have developed near the Legos.
There was a small child in the aisle who was playing with a sample set of your newest product.
"FunShards!"
FunShards. Could you describe FunShards?
It's a agglomerated unit of lego fragments or "Fraggers™" deployed for maximum funization. Our current retail activation is just $19.99 for a FunPile™!
It sounds like this is just a pile of sharp plastic fragments.
Parents have always had to worry about whether their child will break their toys moments after they open them. Not at Toys R Us, where our motto is "we break the unbroken."
Does it bother you that that kind of motto is something that the Nazis definitely would have used if they had any MBAs?
Great question, Drew. Great question.
If we can get back to the incident. The child was in the aisle, playing with a sample of your jagged shards of plastic…
"Jaggies™" were given an award by the Underwriters Laboratory.
I thought they were Fraggers?
Oh no, Fraggers are totally different. Fraggers are agglomerated units of lego fragments.
What was this award for?
Fun.
It was in fact for "Least Good Idea Ever."
That doesn't seem to be a question.
The child was in the aisle, playing with some Jaggies, when your new mascot appeared and… let me just get the police report out… "unrolled his three-foot-long, pestilential tongue while its pus-filled eyes popped out of its sockets."
ScareBear™ is a revolutionary innovation in the mascot field.
The child naturally bolted, except he was standing on bits of broken lego. He fell to the ground. When he got back up he was… "bleeding profusely and covered in plastic shrapnel," says this uncommonly evocative police report. What was your reaction to this sight?
He seemed fine.
He passed out in a pile of plastic and his own vomit.
I guess we'll get the backup kid out here.
This police report says you told them the kid was completely uninjured and totally fine.
In my experience over the last four years, most children are covered in shards of lego, bleeding, and unconscious.
Do you remember anything before the last four years?
Please… please kill me.
Excuse me?
It's all in the statement.
You seemed to have a moment of lucidity in which you asked us to murder you.
It's all in the statement.
We haven't received a statement.
Just use the one from the last time this happened.
We haven't received that one either.
JUST USE ANY OF THEM FROM ANY OF THE INCIDENTS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN THE PAST
IS THIS HELL WHAT DID I DO I JUST SIGNED UP FOR A CRAPPY MINIMUM WAGE JOB AND NOW EVERY DAY IS BLEEDING VOMIT CHILD FOLLOWED BY BLEEDING VOMIT CHILD PRESS CONFERENCE
I MUST BE IN HELL THIS IS WHY I CAN'T DIE NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY
On the bright side, at least you've been immortalized in Toys R Us's latest product?
Drew. Drew, come here. Drew, you've called me a Nazi at a bleeding vomit child press conference every day for the last four years. Drew, I am a Nazi. I do not have any arms or opposable hooves or anything with which I can self-harm. Drew, I need you to strangle me to death. We've been through so much together.
Don't tell him. Drew, don't tell him.
Don't tell me what?
Geoffery, I strangled you to death yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that.
So this is hell.
This is hell.
I discover this every day.
You discover this every day.
Who could have devised such a diabolical punishment for a simple giraffe who only wanted to eat acacia trees?
He goes by many names.
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i've given up on subtly implying dave brandon is the devil and am now pretty much openly saying it
"avant-gardely saying it"
...but this comment is the funniest.
EVERYTHING IS THE DEVIL TO YOU, MAMA!
Maybe this is why you guys sucked at football during his tenure.
He thought foosball is the devil and went about sabotaging it.
Good piece Brian. I laughed out loud at work.
...tony stark do?
Although that might be a good one too. That seems like a pretty good life, save for all the mutant bad guys trying to kill you.
and can we safely assume the eponymous drew is the one and only drew sharp, a low-level spawn of satan?
Hitler was more subtle before they invaded Poland.
He was more subtle when he invaded Poland.
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Now everytime I see that damn Giraffe, I will equate to that pile.
Brilliant
Brian, Dave Brandon is gone. You're just beating a dead horse now. Please stop. This is beneath you, or it should be.
This is awesome... Thank you Brian.
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"That'll be $600 including your personal toy license"
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I enjoy Brian's imaginary press conferences more than real press conferences.
I can't wait for the Domino's esque commercials about, we weren't making a good product.
Hell is other Drew Sharps.
Some of your best yet Brian!
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Aware, but not fully aware of the lego situation**
Give yourself some MGoPoints Brian. You deserve it.
Bra-vo. It's like I just read a Phillip K. Dick short story combined with Bacon's next book about the Brandon/Hoke years. And it was glorious.
How many versions of this post did the MGoWife hear about on the vacation?
Attempted comedy tag? More like successful comedy.
Laughed while I was imagining this guy saying these things.
that great SNL skit with Dan Akroyd...
I think my favorite is when he says Bag of Sulfuric Acid.
the single best-acted gif ever.
Thanks for the laughs.
is that a compliment?
is a similarly divisive figure; FWIIW here is his commentary on the Dave Barry phenomenom
Who's been messing with Brian's medicine?
I want to be shown how it's done.
They've given so many joyful moments to so many kids, and now they get...THE BRANDON! Wonder if they will more prominently feature those long Nerf things you play with in the water-you know, noodles?
Again, I thought you said a while ago that you would stop talking about him?
The parallels aren't exact, but the similarity is there between this and the RichRod/DickRod types who just couldn't let it go after he was fired. Albeit this is much funnier.
This is topical news. I mean SB Nation did an article on it. I would hope a Michigan Blog could do the same.
Plus yeah, pretty funny.
After the nuclear blast there will be cockroaches, Cher and dave brandon remaining. Brandon will attempt to mate with the roaches
In fairness, the cockroaches will have more organic material on their bodies than Cher will.
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