Big Ten Coaches Ranked By Attractiveness, From The Perspective Of Walruses
[ED: flight limits available time today but this is probably the best thing ever so yeah.]
Some time ago, Catlab released… well… this.
I have watched it dozens of times, and now I will render judgment on which Big Ten coaches could hypothetically scrape out a living as a call-walrus (callrus?) in a dystopian future like Planet of the Apes, except with walruses.
This is important. I will brook no dissent, commenters.
1. JERRY KILL, MINNESOTA
Already the species' best bet at seducing an intergalactic gopher bent on enslaving earth, Jerry Kill doubles as Walrus Olivia Wilde. Missed his calling as black ops animal kingdom Al Qaeda infiltrator. Ooooh la la.
2. BRET BIELEMA, WISCONSIN
I LIKE BIG FACE AND I CANNOT LIE
YOU OTHER WALRII CAN'T DENY
WHEN A BRET WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY BITTY EYE AND THAT ROUND CHIN IN YOUR FACE
YOU GET
I DON'T KNOW
YOU GARRUMP AND ROLL AROUND AND MAYBE TUSK SOMETHING
WHATEVER WALRUSES DO
AND THEN YOU SAY YOU WERE GREAT BABY AND LEAVE TO GO SEDUCE SOME PIGS
LITERALLY PIGS
I DON'T GET IT EITHER
3. BILL O'BRIEN, PENN STATE
Soulful blue walrus eyes, and a chin-dimple for days.
4. BRADY HOKE, MICHIGAN
Finishes second to Kill in luxurious goiter, but lacks the crazy beady eyes of Bielema. Starting every sentence with "well" a downside in super slo-mo walrusland because it takes him forever to ask for a sandwich, or tell you your tusks are pearlescent in the surf.
5. DANNY HOPE, PURDUE
The tusky mustache of course, but Hope's rather blocky appearance hurts him when we're talking about a species that is way into bulging curves, I mean I guess it's not like I have a machine I made that allows me to type in any species and get a detailed profile of their proclivities.
Seriously, I don't have one. Who would make something like that.
6. KEVIN WILSON, INDIANA
If such a machine existed—it does not—it would probably say that what Kevin Wilson brings in the curvy department he does not bring in the naughty bad boy department. I mean, a walrus wants a thrill and Kevin Wilson is all hanging out being stable with his two years of service in Bloomington. Eyes naturally wander to the drifters populating the rest of whatever that division is called.
Seriously the machine does not exist.
ACTUAL WALRUS DIVIDING LINE
-----------------------------------------------------
MARK DANTONIO, MICHIGAN STATE
Would have better luck with marmosets, lemurs, and bible-thumping hypocrites. The machine is just a figment of your imagination.
PAT FITZGERALD, NORTHWESTERN
You're just trying too hard, Fitzgerald.
9. KIRK FERENTZ, IOWA
Not even trying, and it shows, on the field, in commercials, and at the walrus brothel.
10. TIM BECKMAN, ILLINOIS (FOR NOW)
Gives off too much of a skeevy serial killer vibe for any species. Forehead is a phrenology nightmare indicating several extreme proclivities that cannot be repeated lest they summon the Great Old Ones.
11. URBAN MEYER, OHIO STATE
Fact: Urban Meyer is impervious to video transform filters, and has no reflection.
12. BO PELINI, NEBRASKA
The transformation actually increased Bo Pelini's attractiveness to humans, but that doesn't mean either species is chasing that.
December 7th, 2012 at 9:52 AM ^
I would have to agree that this may be the greatest thing ever.
The Bielema one is the best by far.
December 7th, 2012 at 9:52 AM ^
December 7th, 2012 at 9:56 AM ^
In the community....
December 7th, 2012 at 10:00 AM ^
December 7th, 2012 at 10:05 AM ^
Best post ever!
I will randomely be laughing hours or days from now as those images and "in the weight room, in the community..." randomely pops in my head...
December 7th, 2012 at 10:08 AM ^
...Brady Hoke and Urban Meyer look the same as they would without the special effects?
December 7th, 2012 at 10:07 AM ^
Everyone looks a little like King Hippo.
December 7th, 2012 at 10:09 AM ^
I am starting to get worried . . . I think our fearless leader may be losing it . . .
December 7th, 2012 at 10:19 AM ^
Spring practice can't come soon enough.
December 7th, 2012 at 11:17 AM ^
The offseason is probably my favorite time on the Board.
December 7th, 2012 at 11:46 AM ^
But won't you miss all the "Devin vs. Denard" and "FIRE BORGESS?!?!?!?!11/1?!?!?!?" threads?
December 7th, 2012 at 1:02 PM ^
Spring practice can't come soon enough.
There is a little team playing next door to Michigan Stadium that's ranked #3 in the country...
December 7th, 2012 at 10:24 AM ^
Crazy laugh in MGoPodcast 4.4, plus I can imagine him telling us "You're all going to show your true colors when the chips are down (when Michigan-OSU gets moved into early October). See I'm not a monster; I'm just ahead of the curve."
December 7th, 2012 at 10:14 AM ^
You could get lost in Bill O'briens chin.
December 7th, 2012 at 10:21 AM ^
Oh wait. Wrong video :(
December 7th, 2012 at 10:23 AM ^
What combination of medication and sleep deprivation begat that (most excellent) post?....let alone the song re-write?
December 7th, 2012 at 10:23 AM ^
Is that really the coach of IU? I seriously have no idea. I thought it was still the gum throw guy. Is that the gum throw guy? Who is Kevin Wilson?
Also, Bo Pelini is looking good these days. Did his nose lose weight?
December 7th, 2012 at 12:59 PM ^
I thought it was Greg Gumble for a second.
December 7th, 2012 at 10:33 AM ^
Is it just me or does Hoke look kind of like the Gungan king?
December 7th, 2012 at 10:58 AM ^
Very painful. Apt...no question. But very painful.
December 7th, 2012 at 11:25 AM ^
It was an all time turd of a movie
December 9th, 2012 at 10:04 PM ^
Weesa have a grand army like da gooongaaans and will be able to do ouass parts
December 7th, 2012 at 10:33 AM ^
December 7th, 2012 at 10:34 AM ^
Because one of these posts pops up.
NTTAWWT.
And where is that bowling ball coming from...?
December 8th, 2012 at 3:18 AM ^
December 7th, 2012 at 10:57 AM ^
Pat Fitgerald looks like some kind of bird to me, while Kirk Ferentz has an angry hungry hungry hippo look locked down.
December 7th, 2012 at 10:59 AM ^
in the community
December 7th, 2012 at 11:07 AM ^
I see Pelini went from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to mere Muggle.
I find it very funny how Meyer escapes the filters, lol
December 7th, 2012 at 11:14 AM ^
December 7th, 2012 at 11:32 AM ^
Urban Meyer has no chin or jaw. I will take this as an indication of his lack of manhood.
December 7th, 2012 at 11:55 AM ^
bo pelini is my favorite coach in the bigten.
December 7th, 2012 at 5:05 PM ^
he need's to get in the way woo... or in the communee.
December 7th, 2012 at 12:03 PM ^
So come clean, you're writing this from one of the numerous lounges at Metro Airport after having consumed one too many martinis, right?
December 7th, 2012 at 12:09 PM ^
a very slow day at MGoBlog.
December 7th, 2012 at 12:11 PM ^
HEY! catlab did Flood and Edsall, too!
Don't leave them out! They're real members tooooooo!
December 7th, 2012 at 12:13 PM ^
What is the name of the program/filter used to create this effect?
December 7th, 2012 at 12:31 PM ^
I think that he should have plastic surgery to replace his current weak jaw with this one. Expanding it by 100% (as was done here) makes it look like the size of a normal mans jaw.
December 7th, 2012 at 12:44 PM ^
December 7th, 2012 at 12:31 PM ^
Why would Dantonio have better luck with "bible-thumping hypocrites"? I don't understand the root of that pejorative description.
December 8th, 2012 at 8:19 AM ^
Relax, guy.
December 7th, 2012 at 12:56 PM ^
Aren't those elephant seals? Totally different proclivities, man.
December 7th, 2012 at 5:08 PM ^
Yeah! Where's your machine now?!?
December 7th, 2012 at 1:22 PM ^
I liked Pelini when he was in the Fargo flick
December 7th, 2012 at 1:37 PM ^
So...we've ranked the attractiveness of ten surviving B~0 coaches and two outcasts in a walrus-populated universe. Guess I don't feel so bad about making open threads for MAC games.
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