national champs baby
2012 Draft-o-Snark Performance Review, with Schrute
PREVIOUSLY in this vehicle where we draft Big Ten players and make fun of each other:
Rounds 1-3: We are summoned by Brian and duly take all the quarterbacks before he can draft one.
Rounds 4-7: Suddenly Heiko goes full Millen with the receivers
Rounds 8-12: Seth nabs Kovacs, Brian gets revenge.
Rounds 13-17: We all start reaching for Wolverines HARD.
Rounds 18-22: Doctor Vorax is revealed.
Your bloggers are rejoined at the conclusion of the 2012-'13 season in the conference room of a fictional paper company in Scranton, Pa., the "Electric City." A man in a brown suit enters, smelling of beets…
Good morning, [makes quote fingers] M-Go [/fingers] Editorial Team,
It's a new year, which means it's time for your annual performance reviews. Since your office manager is not here at this moment, I Dwight Schrute, have taken it upon myself to uphold and undertake this most sacred of office rites.
Who am I? Well I'm the assistant manager of MGoBlog. I've been Brian's #2 man since 2005. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like a cross between Mozart and Greg Mattison. And I’m like…um…Mattison's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Brian is like Wolfgang Amadeus Greg Mattison Beilein Iron Man Schembechler. You try and hurt Brian? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Unfortunately you bloggers were too incompetent to keep any records, thus I was sadly left with only one comparative metric by which to base any raises or bonuses. You see it seems earlier this year you all picked fantasy teams of Big Ten players as a way of getting out of writing a real pre-season all-conference article. You called it the "Draft-o-Snark," and thought it was pretty funny. Well who's. laughing. now?
Oohh didn't take it seriously? Greg Davis was coaching some of your players? A med student ran off with all the other quarterbacks before you thought take one? Boo. Frickin. Hoo. FACT: if a bear is attacking you and the only way you can defeat it is by driving 80 yards for a touchdown, the bear doesn't care if your only QB was turned into a tailback by an ulnar nerve compression. Because he's a bear.
* Player out of position (e.g. half of Heiko's team). Bolded dudes = consensus All Big Ten picks from us. † = All-B1G tie.
Question number…the first. Pick a player nobody drafted whom you should have. Any Wolverines? [we split these up so we don't all shout "ROBINSON…NOT THAT ROBINSON!"]
Never heard of him.
: I would have made up a rule to prevent Heiko from taking Taylor Martinez with his second pick. And... um. Oh God. I would take Matt McGloin instead of Scheelaase. BIG TENNN. Penn State's Kyle Carter was instantly the best TE in the league, though I blame Greg Davis for assassinating Iowa's passing game for part of that, and Venric Mark was both an All-American punt returner and an incredibly dangerous plain ol' running back.
: We also managed to overlook an impact defensive lineman from an unlikely source—Minnesota's D.L. Wilhite, who tallied 8.5 sacks this year, just 0.5 off the conference lead. Quinton Washington is the clear candidate for overlooked Wolverine.
I made Heiko cover Allen Robinson so he could stew over all the useless receivers he drafted early. Also so I could cover Nebraska's senior DE Eric Martin, whom his teammates call "Caveman" because he burrows under offensive like he does bloggers' metaphorical radars. The senior had 56 tackles, 16 for loss, and 8.5 sacks and an additional 14 hurries, not to mention batting down a bunch of passes (amazing since he's only 6'2) and once hitting Russell Bellomy so hard it crushed my soul. I wish to Denard I'd decided to draft him instead of...
Now you jump, when I say.
What in hindsight was the single biggest dumbass pick of the draft? Go.
- Heiko takes Kyle Prater 11th.
- Heiko takes DeAnthony Arnett 22nd.
- Ace takes Ondre Pipkins 66th.
- Seth takes Lawrence Thomas 81st.
- Ace takes Will Gholston 18th.
I didn't make any of those up! They really happened! Only Gholston was actually a starter in there. I should point out that laughably stupid Heiko picks like Taylor Martinez and Devin Gardner seem not very stupid now, and Heiko did snatch Shazier and Bullough in rounds 12 and 13.
Who's the #1 overall pick next year? Go.
Here is a top five, because God put me on this Earth to make top five lists and drink tea:
- Braxton Miller
- TAYLOR MARTINEZ BIG TENNNNN
- Devin Gardner, because y'all homers
- I am forced to take Kyle Prater at QB
- Heiko takes Matt McGloin at DT
Your reassessed draft board, go.
Your final chance to impress me: how'd your team do? Which of your players outperformed their draft slot the most, and which was your biggest bust? You, the guy with the Mealerbeard and the avatar that ceased being relevant after 2009, go.
: My defense was awesome but thanks to certain [ahem] coordinators who may remain nameless my mostly-Wolverine offense spun its wheels a bunch, then went into ruin when Denard got hurt. I got decent receivers (Bell, Gallon & Roundtree…even Kofi Hughes was somewhat productive) for being late to the table, but with a hurt Denard, and Pocic (who looked terrible when I saw him) and Barnum as my guards I don't see how I'm getting them any balls. I reached for Schofield but prefer him to most of the rest of the tackles taken, Ferentz was himself, and Jeremiah Sirles as the last OT was a good bargain.
Other than my worst pick, my stellar defense was exactly that. Hankins-Short-Rush made for a terrifying DL and Brown (when not injured)-Hodges-Compton a great LB corps. My late-taken cornerbacks Josh Johnson and Troy Stoudermire join Micah Hyde in setting me up with half of the top six corners in the conference, and join Kovacs and Gordon for probably the best defensive backfield.
Shut up. You have a fullback playing defensive end, a tailback playing quarterback and you picked a kicker from a team that doesn't attempt field goals: You fail. You, the guy with the team dressed in army fatigues listening to Ted Nugent, go.
: My team's fortunes turned around dramatically after the firing of Wisconsin's O-line coach—the early-season struggles of Montee Ball and my mostly-Badger line were not exactly offset by my Hawkeye-spearheaded passing attack. Ball rushing for over 1700 yards and 21 touchdowns keeps my offense from being completely impotent.
My quarterback, James Vandenberg, got GERG'd into a season of three-yard hitches and broken dreams—taken 7th overall, he may be the worst pick in the draft. I did manage to identify Iowa's big-play receiver. Unfortunately, in Iowa's 2012 offense, that meant Keenan Davis averaged a hair over 12 yards per catch and caught all of one touchdown pass. My second receiver, Kain Colter, had a better season than Vandenberg as a quarterback but caught just 16 passes, the same number brought in by my tight end, Jake Stoneburner. My only hit in the passing game was Buckeye deep threat Devin Smith, who far surpassed his value as the second-to-last pick in the draft.
The front seven, especially the linebackers, are solid with the obvious exception of Ondre Pipkins. It's best if we don't talk about my secondary because oh god the burning.
So, offensively I relied on Montee Ball to save me from Iowa's passing game, while my defense asked a stellar linebacker trio to make up for a lack of dominant defensive linemen—no, Will, you don't count—and a porous secondary. I'm sure that went well.
The best player in your secondary is a Northwestern Wildcat: Fail. You, the tall grumpy fella with the long hair who pays attention to Illinois, your turn, go.
Outperformers: Ra'Shede Hageman, baby. It was news that he did not put his name into the NFL draft because by October his play had him listed in the top five junior defensive tackles. Five sacks from a DT--though I did play him at SDE--is excellent, and if he didn't make All Big Ten he must have been close. Anti-Gopher bias, I say. I also got Bradley Roby way late, and he may be a first round pick.
Busts: putting aside an injury-stricken Blake Countess, Fitzgerald Toussaint is the easy answer, though you jokers who took Michigan interior OL are in worse shape here. Denicos Allen did not repeat his torrid 2011, but he was tied for second in tackles on the best defense in the Big Ten and still had 9 TFLs so it's not like he was a huge problem.
Injuries don't excuse taking Illini at crucial positions. Fail t_t! Lastly, you with the beaver puppet who talks like Barney Stinson, go.
: My team was basically awesome. So what if my one pro style QB turned out to be a bust and two of the Best Wide Receivers In The Conference didn't get any playing time and my four offensive linemen are down to three due to Fou Fonoti's injury and Patrick Omameh isn't as good as we thought he was and ... yeah okay so basically on offense I have three awesome dual-threat quarterbacks and then garbage. Whatever. I have talent, health, and depth at the most important position. Unlike you guys.
Defensively my team was even more awesome. All of my linemen were productive, my linebackers were great, and which of your quarterbacks has the ability to test my secondary?
Heiko, before you do anything you must ask yourself “Would an idiot do that?” And if the answer is yes, you do not do that thing.
You do not do that thing.
Final-Final question. You're the Big Ten commissioner and have to fill the Rose, Citrus, Outback, and Gator with these four teams. For all the bonus….go.
: Oh, God. Heiko has the three best QBs in the league, and no WRs except I guess Gardner, and only four offensive linemen. He has a linebacker playing fullback. One of his linemen is Patrick Omameh. His defense is pretty frigging good but has no nickelback, starts JT Floyd, and has CJ Barnett trying to cover over the top for him.
Ace's offense looks pretty sweet except Vandenberg curled up and died. His defense is so appalling that Will Gholston is the best player on his line and his top safety is designated Guy For Northwestern Making Tackles Eight Yards Downfield Guy.
Seth's offensive line features Ricky Barnum and a 6'7" guard. Denard didn't really pan out. The WRs are good. On D, the line features a fullback. The rest looks good? I guess?
My team is pretty much awesome except for the harrowing Maxwell/Scheelhaase choice at QB.
- SETH. Yes, Denard is an offense all to himself, which means he can make the lurching pile of suck move better than everyone else's lurching pile of suck.
- BRIAN. If you surround Maxwell with actual WRs and an actual OL and still give him LeVeon Bell, things will work out. Simon, Ryan, and Allen are TFL machines. The cornerbacks are great. Punting is for saps.
- HEIKO. It's crazy enough to work! James Morris, offensive tackle!
- ACE. Lol Pipkins/Campbell interior DL with Will "did you get the number of that pancake truck" Gholston and definition of mediocre Cameron Meredith at DE. Opponents throw 6 times per game, watch Vandenberg dissolve in pile of goo.
- All lists must be top fives.
: All the snark I gave to Heiko and here I am the guy with the RB under center. Still everybody else has disasters somewhere. Heiko's defense turned out okay but it's opposite an offense made up of four linemen, a linebacker and four guys all trying to throw to Dion Sims. Aceconsin got its o-line together just in time to watch Vandenberg melt behind them, and the defensive backfield, lo that defensive backfield. Brian has either Nathan Scheelhaase or Andrew Maxwell touching the ball every offensive play.
: I'll note that Seth snarked me for the Pipkins pick in the draft spreadsheet by suggesting I should've taken... Jibreel Black.
: Grid of our picks:
|Teams->||Cheesebenders||Flyin' Zooks||Mad Fitzmillens||Spread n Smurfs|
/Simulates 1 million B1G seasons
The Big Ten 2012. An awful football conference. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of hoops?