Big Ten Draftosnark: The Endening Comment Count

Brian August 22nd, 2012 at 2:06 PM

PREVIOUSLY ON "MGOBLOG WRITERS DRAFT BIG TEN TEAMS IN AN EFFORT TO IMPRESS ONLOOKERS IN THE WORLD'S LEAST EFFECTIVE MATING RITUAL"…

PICKS were made to start, and

PICKS were made to continue, and

PICKS were made to continue continuing, and

WOW this series got out of hand

We join our COURAGEOUS DRAFTERS on the VOYAGER II SPACECRAFT at THE EDGE OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM. HEIKO is on the clock for the second pick of round WHATEVER.

We put a JUMP in this one because we probably should have been doing that all along.

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HEIKO

AzpGAQZCIAEgnWB[1]PICK: Fou Fonoti, OT, Michigan State

CURRENT O: Braxton Miller (QB, OSU), Taylor Martinez (QB/RB, UNL), Patrick Omameh (OG, UM), Fou Fonoti (OT, Michigan State), Kyle Prater (WR, NW), Devin Gardner (QB/WR, UM), DeAnthony Arnett (WR, MSU)

CURRENT D: Michael Buchanan (DE, ILL), Jordan Hill(DT, PSU), Baker Steinkuhler (DT, UNL), Craig Roh (DE, UM), Max Bullough (LB, MSU), Kenny Demens (LB, UM), Ryan Shazier (LB, OSU), J.T. Floyd (CB, UM), Isaiah Lewis (FS, MSU), C.J. Barnett (SS, OSU)

KICKER(S): Brett Maher, K/P, Nebraska

BRIEF EXPLANATION: He had 31 knockdowns, 10 dominators, and allowed zero sacks last season as Michigan State's starting right tackle. I have no idea what some of those things mean, but they all seem like good things.

SNARK: "... poised to blow up in the mold of previous Michigan cornerbacks like Woodson, Hall, and Jackson." Who are you, Angelique Chengelis?

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ACE

27-oct-10_102166417jd063_michigan_sta_crop_450x500[1]PICK: Brian Mulroe, guard, Northwestern

CURRENT O: Montee Ball (RB, UW), James Vandenberg (QB, IA), Ricky Wagner (OT, UW), Keenan Davis (WR, IA), Travis Frederick (C, UW), Spencer Long (G, NEB), Jake Stoneburner (TE, OSU), Brian Mulroe (G, NW)

CURRENT D: Chris Borland (LB, UW), William Gholston (DE, MSU), Johnny Adams (CB, MSU), Mike Taylor (LB, UW), Ricardo Allen (CB, PUR), Ibraheim Campbell (S, NW), Will Campbell (DT, MICH), Ondre Pipkins (NT, MICH)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: I won't pretend to know a ton about Northwestern's offensive line, so I'll trust Phil Steele (Mulroe: preseason second-team All-B1G), the coaches and media (honorable mention All-B1G in 2011), and the NFL draft boards (CBSSports has Mulrue as NW's top draft prospect) in making this selection. Mulroe has solid size at 6'4", 295, and he's lauded for his athleticism; he'll be the guy pulling when I run POWER. With this pick, I've locked up the clear-cut best interior line in our draft, and it might not be particularly close.

SNARK: See, Heiko, the interior line is the part of your offensive line that... oh, I give up.

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SETH

6685788987_1a0ef0fef8_o[1]PICKS: Thomas Gordon, FS, MICH; and Josh Johnson, CB, Purdue

CURRENT O: Denard Robinson (QB, M), Rex Burkhead (RB, Neb), Jeremy Gallon (Slot, M), Kofi Hughes (WR, Ind), Kenny Bell (WR, Neb), Jacob Pedersen (TE, Wis), Michael Schofield (OT, M), Graham Pocic (OL, Ill), Ricky Barnum (OG, MICH), James Ferentz (C, Iowa)

CURRENT D: John Hankins (NT, OSU), Kawaan Short (3T, Pur), Marcus Rush (DE, MSU), Jon Brown (MLB, Ill), Gerald Hodges (OLB, PSU), Jordan Kovacs (SS, M), Thomas Gordon (FS, M), Micah Hyde (CB, Iowa), Josh Johnson (CB, Pur)

EXPLANATION: Michigan goes into 2012 with its best safety tandem since...? If you can answer that question, you get to be there next time we're trying to figure that out for Hail to the Victors. Anyway I've got both, meaning I have complete and utter immunity from big plays, and now I also get to smugly stand by as Brian tries to explain why my ludicrous fumble recovery rate is all luck, dammit. Gordon isn't the flashiest of free safeties but even if he's Brandent Englemon, with this defense he too can spend most plays reading Infinite Jest.

s110610-purduepg-vertical[1]He gets some help in that endeavor from Johnson, who the Mathlete says was the Big Ten's best cornerback last year. Hammer & Rails is of course biased but..

After having a season where he recorded 64 total tackles, 2 interceptions, and broke up nine passes, Johnson showed us that he is perfectly capable of hanging with the top receivers in the Big Ten.

He's right-sized for the position, can tackle, and his coverage, while knocked because he was operating with no safety help, is no worse than any of the guys taken above, especially the Michigan duo who just went off the board.

SNARK: MarQueis Gray was up to 6'4-250 last I checked. You haven't even drafted Keith Nichol; you've got Andy Mignery.

[ED: After the jump, everyone drafts more quarterbacks. Seriously.]

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ACE

CURRENT O: James Vandenberg (QB, IA), Montee Ball (RB, UW), Keenan Davis (WR, IA), Kain Colter (WR, NW), Jake Stoneburner (TE, OSU), Ricky Wagner (LT, UW), Spencer Long (LG, NEB), Travis Frederick (C, UW), Brian Mulroe (RG, NW)

CURRENT D: William Gholston (SDE, MSU), Will Campbell (DT, MICH), Ondre Pipkins (NT, MICH), Cameron Meredith (WDE, NEB), Mike Taylor (WLB, UW), Chris Borland (MLB, UW), Michael Mauti (SLB, PSU), Johnny Adams (CB, MSU), Ricardo Allen (CB, PUR), Ibraheim Campbell (SS, NW)

PICK: Kain Colter, WR/RB/QB, Northwestern

Kain Colter[1]BRIEF EXPLANATION: Wait, did you guys actually let this happen? I'm getting a solid second option at receiver, as Colter caught 43 passes—fourth-best among returning B1G players—for 446 yards and three touchdowns last season in a not-even-full-time role as a slot guy. With the recent news that Ohio State will play Jake Stoneburner at receiver(!) this season, I can put Stoneburner and Keenan Davis out wide and stick Colter in the slot. That should give me a solid set of options for James Vandenberg.

That isn't the reason I can't believe Colter fell, however. See, he's also going to be Northwestern's starting quarterback, and he may just be a far better option than Nathan Scheelhaase: in extensive action last season, Colter completed 54-of-81 passes (66.7%) with six touchdowns to just one interception. He wasn't just dinking-and-dunking his way down the field either, not with 8.3 yards per attempt, a figure that actually bested Dan Persa's.

Then we get to his running ability. Colter had 726 yards and nine touchdowns on just 126 carries last year; if we're going to all math-y, he posted a better Adjusted POE (+16.9) than Fitz Toussaint (+13.3) last year. Now, note the presence of Montee Ball. Do you think running a little zone read with a Colter/Ball backfield seems like a good idea? I certainly do. Throw in a little speed option, a few end-arounds, the trick play possibilities... yeah, y'all are in trouble.

SNARK: Don't bite on the fake. DON'T DO IT.

Dammit, you did. I told you not to bite.

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HEIKO

9065028-large[1]PICK: James Morris, LB, Iowa

CURRENT O: Braxton Miller (QB, OSU), Taylor Martinez (QB/RB, UNL), Patrick Omameh (OG, UM), Fou Fonoti (OT, Michigan State), Kyle Prater (WR, NW), Devin Gardner (QB/WR, UM), DeAnthony Arnett (WR, MSU)

CURRENT D: Michael Buchanan (DE, ILL), Jordan Hill (DT, PSU), Baker Steinkuhler (DT, UNL), Craig Roh (DE, UM), Max Bullough (LB, MSU), James Morris (LB, IOWA), Kenny Demens (LB, UM), Ryan Shazier (LB, OSU), J.T. Floyd (CB, UM), Isaiah Lewis (FS, MSU), C.J. Barnett (SS, OSU)

KICKER(S): Brett Maher, K/P, Nebraska

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Surprise! I'm playing a 4-4 to counteract your run-heavy offenses. Iowa's James Morris isn't the most high-profile name (unless you're into preseason lists, of which Morris is on many), but he's a rock solid run-stuffer and the Hawkeyes' leading tackler from 2011 with 105. Of the best inside linebackers in the B1G, I now have three of them. Brian is left with Will Compton from Nebraska, which, meh. Morris started last season at middle linebacker and saw increasing time on the weakside, which speaks well to his speed and coverage skills. With the selection of Morris, I now have four highly versatile linebackers that can thump your Montee Balls, track down your Denard Robinsons, blitz your James Vandenbergs, and cover your Jake Stoneburners. Have fun on third down.

SNÄRK: No need to apologize for taking Colter, Ace. I wouldn't want to deny you a backup defensive tackle in the *highly unlikely* case that one of your current guys doesn't pan out.

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SETH SNARK INTERLUDE

I'm onto you Heiko...or should I say.... [removes Heiko mask]

image

DR VORAX!

I was curious when you drafted Jonas Mouton II. But picking Obi Ezeh II when you already have Kenny Demens on the roster gave you away. Oh, you thought you could get away with it because lists based on number of tackles say he's 2nd team all-conference, but you forgot one tiny thing. You forgot BHGP actually watches Iowa games:

The season began, and the problems remained. In particular, Morris was susceptible to the run: He didn't diagnose run plays well, and when he did, he couldn't shed the lead blocker in time to make the play. It wasn't working, and there wasn't anyone behind him, and so Ferentz shuffled the deck... Morris moved to the weakside, where his deficiencies against the run could be covered by Nielsen and his coverage issues would be minimized. He still got victimized in pass coverage -- there's a reason he equaled his career high in tackles twice while playing weakside -- but the damage was reduced.

You had everyone pretty fooled with the spooky quarterbacks and this bogus "4-4," but you were planning all along to put Demens on the bench, make Roh play standing up, and run a passive 3-3-5 that only ever rushes three. And then you were going to hire Tony Gibson to ruin JT Floyd again and play Isaiah Lewis at free safety. Thankfully we discovered you before you drafted Cam Gordon at Spinner or lined up one of your middle linebackers two inches from an All-Conference guard. Take him away, officers!

(Now back to your regularly scheduled program)

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BRIAN

com_120507_rittenberg_mstankiewitch_120507[1]PICKS: Matt Stankiewitch, C, Penn State, and DE Ra'shede Hageman, Minnesota

CURRENT O: Nathan Scheelhaase (QB, ILL), Fitzgerald Toussaint (RB, M), LeVeon Bell (HB/FB, MSU), Jared Abbrederis (WR, UW), MarQuies Gray (QB/WR, Minn), CJ Fieodorwicz (TE, Iowa), Taylor Lewan(LT, M), Matt Stankiewitch (C, PSU), Chris McDonald (RG, MSU), Jack Mewhort (RT, OSU).

CURRENT D: Ra'Shede Hageman (DE, Minnesota), John Simon (DE, OSU), Beau Allen (NT, UW), Akeem Spence (DT, ILL), Jake Ryan (LB, M), Denicos Allen (LB, MSU), Terry Hawthorne (CB, ILL), Bradley Roby(CB, OSU), Blake Countess (CB, M), Daimion Stafford(SS, UNL)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Whoo, boy, the bottom just dropped out of available prospects. I'll wait on Compton like I've continued to wait because I can't see much of a difference between any of the MLB types available and haven't since Seth took Brown. If I don't get Compton I'll just take Desmond Morgan and be like "whatever." But I need some more dudes on the line.

Dude #1 is Stankiewitch, the single returning offensive lineman for Penn State. He'll be surrounded by confused dross and his offense is going to be terrible, but it won't be his fault. He is on the Rimington list and is considered a "draftable" interior OL. He'll be solid on the interior of the block-you-to-death all stars.

1chip0807[1]Dude #2 is a total flier, but he's a 6'6", 300 pound guy who is poised to be that one guy on the Minnesota defense who can actually play football: Ra'Shede Hageman. Hageman was originally a tight end before flipping to DE; Minnesota is going to run him out as a three-tech this year. He came on late, sacking Nathan Scheelhaase twice in Minnesota's final game of the year. Since I'm apparently running an under I will take him, move John Simon back to the WDE spot he manned capably a year ago, and make Hageman an athletic monster SDE. Hype ho!

  • Tom Deinhart: "Ra'Shede Hageman. Remember the name. Minnesota DT. A monster."
  • Jerry Kill: " Hageman has really played well. He's a totally different player than he was a year ago."
  • Minnesota DC coach Tracy Claeys: "He's a problem. You put him in the gap up front at 300 pounds and the way he can run, he keeps his feet moving and how strong he is, he is a problem."

Upside is the name of the game here. Yes, Minnesota!  You're in the Big Ten, too!

SNARK: I don't know, Heiko, Colter was my #1 ranked left tackle on the board. Could have been useful for your OL, which you'll find out when you're left with Paper Cutout Of Jake Long at three different spots.

[NOTE: DE clock is ticking for Seth, not that it really matters now.]

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HEIKO

Darqueze-Dennard[1]PICK:: Darqueze Dennard, CB, MSU

CURRENT O: Braxton Miller (QB, OSU), Taylor Martinez (QB/RB, UNL), James Morris (FB/LB, IOWA), Patrick Omameh (OG, UM), Fou Fonoti (OT, Michigan State), Kyle Prater (WR, NW), Devin Gardner (QB/WR, UM), DeAnthony Arnett (WR, MSU)

CURRENT D: Michael Buchanan (DE, ILL), Jordan Hill (DT, PSU), Baker Steinkuhler (DT, UNL), Craig Roh (DE, UM), Max Bullough (LB, MSU), Kenny Demens (LB, UM), Ryan Shazier (LB, OSU), J.T. Floyd (CB, UM), Darqueze Dennard (CB, MSU), Isaiah Lewis (FS, MSU), C.J. Barnett (SS, OSU)

KICKER(S): Brett Maher, K/P, Nebraska

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Surprise! I recruited James Morris as my fullback, so now I'm taking Michigan State's Darqueze Dennard as my field corner, which means that I'm actually running a 4-3. Dennard ended last season on a high note by picking off Aaron Murray twice in the Outback bowl, and his emergence in the Spartans secondary earned him All-B1G recognition. Man my secondary is so good.

SNARK: You thought you had me good, didn't you, Seth? Little did you know that beneath my Dr. Vorax mask lies something far more sinister. Muahahahahahaha.

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ACE

32689_michillfootball_web_20f[1]PICK: Supo Sanni, free safety, Illinois

CURRENT O: James Vandenberg (QB, IA), Montee Ball (RB, UW), Keenan Davis (WR, IA), Kain Colter (WR, NW), Jake Stoneburner (TE, OSU), Ricky Wagner (LT, UW), Spencer Long (LG, NEB), Travis Frederick (C, UW), Brian Mulroe (RG, NW)

CURRENT D: William Gholston (SDE, MSU), Will Campbell (DT, MICH), Ondre Pipkins (NT, MICH), Cameron Meredith (WDE, NEB), Mike Taylor (WLB, UW), Chris Borland (MLB, UW), Michael Mauti (SLB, PSU), Johnny Adams (CB, MSU), Ricardo Allen (CB, PUR), Ibraheim Campbell (SS, NW), Supo Sanni (FS, Iowa)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: The options are getting pretty bleak at this point, with the only available returning starters at free safety being Sanni, Iowa's Tanner Miller, and Minnesota's Brock Vereen. We can immediately eliminate Vereen from considering because Gopher football. Miller was part of a Hawkeye secondary that, despite the presence of Micah Hyde, allowed 216 yards per game in Big Ten play last year, good for 10th in the conference. By default, I'll go with Sanni, whose team was first in the conference in pass defense. His 49 tackles in 13 games (11 starts) leads me to believe that he wasn't chasing down too many receivers from behind. At 6'3", 220, he's got great size for coming up in run support. As a former three-star receiver prospect, he may even provide some big plays, though he's only got one career interception to his name.

SNARK: I thought you called shotty on Zach Boren, Heiko. Well, I guess he'll just take his plow and go on home then. He didn't want to play on your stupid offense anyway.

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SETH

Will Compton Northwestern v Nebraska zx4Cc7OAuX1l[1]PICKS: Will Compton, linebacker, Nebraska, and Lawrence Thomas, linebacker/defensive end, Michigan State

CURRENT O: Denard Robinson (QB, M), Rex Burkhead (RB, Neb), Jeremy Gallon (Slot, M), Kofi Hughes (WR, Ind), Kenny Bell (WR, Neb), Jacob Pedersen (TE, Wis), Michael Schofield (OT, M), Graham Pocic (OL, Ill), Ricky Barnum (OG, MICH), James Ferentz (C, Iowa)

CURRENT D: John Hankins (NT, OSU), Kawaan Short (3T, Pur), Marcus Rush (DE, MSU), Lawrence Thomas (WDE/LB, MSU), Jon Brown (MLB, Ill), Gerald Hodges (SLB, PSU), Will Compton (WLB, Neb), Jordan Kovacs (SS, M), Thomas Gordon (FS, M), Micah Hyde (CB, Iowa), Josh Johnson (CB, Pur)

EXPLANATION: Sooooo Brian, we meet again on the fields of Chicken, the Gallus Gridiron, the... ah hell before you take Compton AND Norman I'm choosing the one I want over the one I was fine getting stuck with for sentimental reasons. The Nebraska defense is an aggressive 4-3 over that is all about pivoting on the interior DL, then directing the flow of defenders to the ball so as to force the ball carrier into their best tackler. Last year legit superstar and 2nd round NFL Draft pick Lavonte David rode this scheme to 138 tackles. According to Pelini, Compton, who had 82 stops and 6 TFL of his own, could have done the same if he was at the end of the funnel. I watched a lot of Nebraska last year and re-watched this week and no, Bo, he's no Lavonte. However I did see a smaller Demens, or perhaps Lawrence Reid if you remember him. Compton is the RVB of linebacking: solid. He reacts quickly, sifts through blocks, and does his job well. He's got speed and size enough to neutralize tight ends and the tight ends you guys are pretending are receivers, never screws up, and reacts a little bit quicker than his near clone at MSU Chris Norman (both of whom I had rated over Demens, Shazier, or the glass-ACL'ed Mauti). I hate passing up Misopogal's good buddy (we met Chris when flying home from Paris and he's a really a good guy), but since Compton is more likely to make me look like a genius with the Husker D now funneling his way (and because Spartan fans are more liable to blow an eminently entertaining fit at losing a toss-up) I choose to go with Will at Will.

And to complete this killer D I'm taking Misopogal's good buddy's good buddy LT (NTLT) at WDE. I'll admit I was holding out at this spot while waiting to see if Ohio State's Nathan Williams (46 tackles, 9.5 TFL, 4.5 sacks, knack for batting things in 2010) would be back, but as of July 3 he was happy to be running on a track and he's still not in pads. Soooo Thomas. Here's your snark: this is a redshirt freshman who has yet to play a snap at the college level and isn't even the starter on his team (he's backup to Gholston). Here's my response: you would have seen plenty of him if a shoulder injury hadn't forced him into a redshirt, and you'll see plenty this year and in the future. Rather than wait behind their linebackers LT was moved to end this fall to rotate with Gholston. For an idea of what consensus 5-star middle linebackers turned defensive ends do as sophomores, Brandon Graham in year two also got near 300 lbs., but still notched 9.5 TFLs, 8.5 sacks, and three forced fumbles. If you doubt whether Narduzzi and co. can turn a linebacker into a freak of a rush end, look what they did with Gholston just last year. Now think back to the beginning of this draft when I told you my three interior guys already matched the production of 2011 Michigan's front four, and imagine what a hyper-athletic, 6'3/295-pound terror with linebacker speed will do against all of your stationary (or in the case of Heiko/Dr. Vorax, hypothetical) OTs.

SNARK: Brian, you can take Suplex Sanni the glorified linebacker as a free safety; I blew too much snark on Heiko's "fullback."

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ACE

CURRENT O: James Vandenberg (QB, IA), Montee Ball (RB, UW), James White (RB, UW), Keenan Davis (WR, IA), Kain Colter (WR, NW), Jake Stoneburner (TE, OSU), Ricky Wagner (LT, UW), Spencer Long (LG, NEB), Travis Frederick (C, UW), Brian Mulroe (RG, NW)

CURRENT D: William Gholston (SDE, MSU), Will Campbell (DT, MICH), Ondre Pipkins (NT, MICH), Cameron Meredith (WDE, NEB), Mike Taylor (WLB, UW), Chris Borland (MLB, UW), Michael Mauti (SLB, PSU), Johnny Adams (CB, MSU), Ricardo Allen (CB, PUR), Ibraheim Campbell (SS, NW), Supo Sanni (FS, Iowa)

James White Wisconsin v Michigan TOiqkHXjW0yl[1]PICK: James White, running back, Wisconsin

BRIEF EXPLANATION: I'm assuming you all thought I would be drafting a fullback, but one look at Montee Ball's 2011 highlights should tell you that this offense can be quite productive from a one-back set. So instead of wasting a perfectly fine pick on Zach Boren, I'll take the guy who could very well be Montee Ball if Wisconsin didn't already have Montee Ball. White actually led the Badgers in rushing as a freshman in 2010, tallying 1052 yards and 14 TDs on just 156 carries; you may remember him torching Michigan's defense to the tune of 181 yards and a pair of TDs. Last year White's YPC and production dipped a little, though 141 carries for 713 yards and 6 TDs is still perfectly respectable for a backup running back, Wisconsin O-line or no. He provides a decent receiving option out of the backfield with 26 career receptions for 238 yards. He's also a passable return man, something my squad currently lacks.

SNARK: This is my backup running back. How does your starter look?

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HEIKO

598907[1]PICK: Chris Norman, LB, MSU

CURRENT O: Braxton Miller (QB, OSU), Taylor Martinez (QB/RB, UNL), James Morris (FB/LB, IOWA), Patrick Omameh (OG, UM), Fou Fonoti (OT, Michigan State), Kyle Prater (WR, NW), Devin Gardner (QB/WR, UM), DeAnthony Arnett (WR, MSU)

CURRENT D: Michael Buchanan (DE, ILL), Jordan Hill (DT, PSU), Baker Steinkuhler (DT, UNL), Craig Roh (DE, UM), Chris Norman (LB, MSU), Max Bullough (LB, MSU), Kenny Demens (LB, UM), Ryan Shazier (LB, OSU), J.T. Floyd (CB, UM), Darqueze Dennard (CB, MSU), Isaiah Lewis (FS, MSU), C.J. Barnett (SS, OSU)

KICKER(S): Brett Maher, K/P, Nebraska

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Surprise! I'm back to running a 4-4.

SNARK: Before you get your panties all in a bunch, let me explain how these numbers work (because yes, I have 12 guys on defense; congratulations you can count): Everyone technically gets 12 guys with the nickel corner taken into account. Since I'm running a 4-4, Dennard will be my "nickel" guy, i.e. on passing downs I'll lift Steinkuhler
for Dennard and play a 3-4. Read the rules.

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BRIAN

iowavspitt26ss-L[1]PICKS: Kevonte Martin-Manley, Iowa, WR, and Ryan Groy, OG, Wisconsin

CURRENT O: Nathan Scheelhaase (QB, ILL), Fitzgerald Toussaint (RB, M), LeVeon Bell (HB/FB, MSU), Jared Abbrederis (WR, UW), MarQuies Gray (QB/WR, Minn), Kevonte Martin-Manley (WR, Iowa), CJ Fieodorwicz (TE, Iowa), Taylor Lewan(LT, M), Ryan Groy (LG, UW), Matt Stankiewitch (C, PSU), Chris McDonald (RG, MSU), Jack Mewhort (RT, OSU).

CURRENT D: Ra'Shede Hageman (DE, Minnesota), John Simon (DE, OSU), Beau Allen (NT, UW), Akeem Spence (DT, ILL), Jake Ryan (LB, M), Denicos Allen (LB, MSU), Terry Hawthorne (CB, ILL), Bradley Roby(CB, OSU), Blake Countess (CB, M), Daimion Stafford(SS, UNL)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: I still don't care about random available middle linebacker who is basically all other middle linebackers in the league this year. I do care about my third WR spot and will grab an Iowa receiver with a hyphenated name--always a good idea. Martin-Manley showed up a lightly recruited guy out of Brother Rice and managed to put up 30 catches for 323 yards as the third guy in Iowa's passing offense behind Marvin McNutt and Keenan Allen. McNutt's gone, Iowa tailbacks are getting burninated even faster than they usually are, and Vandenberg is entering his senior year. Iowa's going to throw the ball a lot, and Martin-Manley will be one of the primary beneficiaries. He was just a true freshman last year and can be expected to get a lot better from year one to year two.

976718[1]At this point I might as well finish off the offense since Heiko's about to take three pitifully incapable offensive linemen. I will do so by grabbing Wisconsin guard Ryan Groy. Athletic enough to moonlight at fullback a couple years ago when he was a mere 307 pounds, Groy is now over 330 and walking into the NFL factory that is the UW OL. He had four starts a year ago. He also has the twitter handle "disGROYer79" and sports a Ted Nugent avatar. Sold.

SNARK: At this point Heiko's down to "paper cutout of Fou Fontoni". Lawrence Thomas just added 70 pounds in two years, which is definitely all good weight. At least pick someone who might see the field so we can tell you how bad at football they are, Seth.

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HEIKO

ncf_i_ward11_300[1]PICK: Patrick Ward, LT, Northwestern

CURRENT O: Braxton Miller (QB, OSU), Taylor Martinez (QB/RB, UNL), James Morris (FB/LB, IOWA), Patrick Ward (OT, Northwestern), Patrick Omameh (OG, UM), Fou Fonoti (OT, Michigan State), Kyle Prater (WR, NW), Devin Gardner (QB/WR, UM), DeAnthony Arnett (WR, MSU)

CURRENT D: Michael Buchanan (DE, ILL), Jordan Hill (DT, PSU), Baker Steinkuhler (DT, UNL), Craig Roh (DE, UM), Chris Norman (LB, MSU), Max Bullough (LB, MSU), Kenny Demens (LB, UM), Ryan Shazier (LB, OSU), J.T. Floyd (CB, UM), Darqueze Dennard (CB, MSU), Isaiah Lewis (FS, MSU), C.J. Barnett (SS, OSU)

KICKER(S): Brett Maher, K/P, Nebraska

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Patrick Ward is 6-7, 310 lbs, has 26 starts (at right tackle) under his belt, and was first team (academic) All-American in 2011. What could be better.

SNARK: You spelled Fiedorowicz and Fonoti wrong. Not very good with F words, are you.

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ACE

836848[1]PICK: Rob Havenstein, right tackle, Wisconsin

CURRENT O: James Vandenberg (QB, IA), Montee Ball (RB, UW), James White (RB, UW), Keenan Davis (WR, IA), Kain Colter (WR, NW), Jake Stoneburner (TE, OSU), Ricky Wagner (LT, UW), Spencer Long (LG, NEB), Travis Frederick (C, UW), Brian Mulroe (RG, NW), Rob Havenstein (RT, UW)

CURRENT D: William Gholston (SDE, MSU), Will Campbell (DT, MICH), Ondre Pipkins (NT, MICH), Cameron Meredith (WDE, NEB), Mike Taylor (WLB, UW), Chris Borland (MLB, UW), Michael Mauti (SLB, PSU), Johnny Adams (CB, MSU), Ricardo Allen (CB, PUR), Ibraheim Campbell (SS, NW), Supo Sanni (FS, Iowa)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Is 6'8", 342 pounds, and will start at right tackle for Wisconsin. SOLD.

SNARK: Am I allowed to hire Rocky Long as head coach and eschew field goals entirely?

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KTLGZDPKPVMZXYX.20101121060556[1]PICKS: Jeremiah Sirles, offensive tackle, Nebraska; and Drew Basil, kicker, THE Ohio University Ziphawks

CURRENT O: Denard Robinson (QB, M), Rex Burkhead (RB, Neb), Jeremy Gallon (Slot, M), Kofi Hughes (WR, Ind), Kenny Bell (WR, Neb), Jacob Pedersen (TE, Wis), Michael Schofield (LT, M), Ricky Barnum (LG, M), James Ferentz (C, Iowa), Graham Pocic (RG, Ill), Jeremiah Sirles (RT, Neb)

CURRENT D: John Hankins (NT, OSU), Kawaan Short (3T, Pur), Marcus Rush (DE, MSU), Lawrence Thomas (WDE/LB, MSU), Jon Brown (MLB, Ill), Gerald Hodges (SLB, PSU), Will Compton (WLB, Neb), Jordan Kovacs (SS, M), Thomas Gordon (FS, M), Micah Hyde (BCB, Iowa), Josh Johnson (FCB, Pur)

SPECIAL TEAMS: Drew Basil (K, OSU), Jeremy Gallon (PR, M)

EXPLAIN WITH MATHS: This is the pick I've been waiting all draft to steal, and the one I was terrified would go earlier until Brian went beefcake with his line and Ace and Heiko ran out of dudes they met at Big Ten Media Days. Jeremiah Sirles is Taylor Lewan before he was cool. He had shoulder surgery during the spring before last season and couldn't block with one arm, but Nebraska kept putting him in anyway for important situations because Sirles with a hand tied behind his back was better than their okay regulars. In 2010 he was a 2nd team freshman All American, but you wouldn't know it because if a tree falls in the Big XII and it's not at Texas... He's big enough and camouflage ballcap-y enough to pass for the latest Wisconsin clone, but also a track star and chose the Huskers over a full-court press by Oregon. Some simulator says he's Nebraska's most important player, probably because their tackle situation is starting to look like ours. Bonus: gives media the Huyge eyes.

Ohio-State-Drew-Basil-missed-field-goal[1]Basil: The difference between the best kicker and an average kicker on the Fremeau scale is .658 points per attempt, or about 2 points per game. I point this out because we're all idiots for letting the best kicker in the conference stay on the board this long. Ohio State was 8th in the country (1st in Big Ten) in points earned by their kicking game while Nebraska was 25th (6th in the Big Ten).

OSU's kicker gave them .434 more points per attempt than an average kicker, and about 2 more points in a season than Brett Maher. Part of that is Fickellball=Tresselball=kick a long field goal when common sense says convert the 4th down. But you can't hold that against the kicker who made those long field goals. That kicker is Drew Basil, and he's the only one on the board who stands apart from an indistinguishable pile of was just good.

SNARK: Wisconsin clones 6'7-350 offensive linemen and programs them to love fishing, hunting, and run blocking through subliminal messages delivered via Ted Nugent songs. They have been doing this for some time now, which is the only reason Ace and Brian can keep taking totally new Badger starters and nobody bats an eye.

[ED: this is a bad thing?]

----------------------------------------

ACE

Courtney Avery Ohio State v Michigan dnILuUOocpnl[1]

good times

PICK: Courtney Avery, nickelback, Michigan

CURRENT O: James Vandenberg (QB, IA), Montee Ball (RB, UW), James White (RB, UW), Keenan Davis (WR, IA), Kain Colter (WR, NW), Jake Stoneburner (TE, OSU), Ricky Wagner (LT, UW), Spencer Long (LG, NEB), Travis Frederick (C, UW), Brian Mulroe (RG, NW), Rob Havenstein (RT, UW)

CURRENT D: William Gholston (SDE, MSU), Will Campbell (DT, MICH), Ondre Pipkins (NT, MICH), Cameron Meredith (WDE, NEB), Mike Taylor (WLB, UW), Chris Borland (MLB, UW), Michael Mauti (SLB, PSU), Johnny Adams (CB, MSU), Ricardo Allen (CB, PUR), Courtney Avery (NB, MICH), Ibraheim Campbell (SS, NW), Supo Sanni (FS, Iowa)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: I need a nickel corner, and unlike the rest of the corners left on the board, I'm pretty confident Avery doesn't suck.

SNARK: Heiko's self-snarking is making this difficult.

----------------------------------------

HEIKO

123471115_crop_exact[1]PICK: Brandon Vitabile, C, Northwestern

CURRENT O: Braxton Miller (QB, OSU), Taylor Martinez (QB/RB, UNL), James Morris (FB/LB, IOWA), Patrick Ward (OT, Northwestern), Brandon Vitabile (C, Northwestern), Patrick Omameh (OG, UM), Fou Fonoti (OT, Michigan State), Kyle Prater (WR, NW), Devin Gardner (QB/WR, UM), DeAnthony Arnett (WR, MSU)

CURRENT D: Michael Buchanan (DE, ILL), Jordan Hill (DT, PSU), Baker Steinkuhler (DT, UNL), Craig Roh (DE, UM), Chris Norman (LB, MSU), Max Bullough (LB, MSU), Kenny Demens (LB, UM), Ryan Shazier (LB, OSU), J.T. Floyd (CB, UM), Darqueze Dennard (CB, MSU), Isaiah Lewis (FS, MSU), C.J. Barnett (SS, OSU)

KICKER: Brett Maher(K/P), Nebraska

BRIEF EXPLANATION: A sophomore but has Molk-like properties. On the Rimington watch list, fwiw. He was my backup plan to Barnum.

SNARK: If caring were a sport, I'd be Indiana.

---------------------------------------

BRIAN

092411_SPT_UMich_vs_SDSU_MRMPICKS: Desmond Morgan, LB, Michigan, and Christian Bryant, FS, OSU

CURRENT O: Nathan Scheelhaase (QB, ILL), Fitzgerald Toussaint (RB, M), LeVeon Bell (HB/FB, MSU), Jared Abbrederis (WR, UW), MarQuies Gray (QB/WR, Minn), Kevonte Martin-Manley (WR, Iowa), CJ Fieodorwicz (TE, Iowa), Taylor Lewan(LT, M), Ryan Groy (LG, UW), Matt Stankiewitch (C, PSU), Chris McDonald (RG, MSU), Jack Mewhort (RT, OSU).

CURRENT D: Ra'Shede Hageman (DE, Minnesota), John Simon (DE, OSU), Beau Allen (NT, UW), Akeem Spence (DT, ILL), Jake Ryan (LB, M), Desmond Morgan (LB, M), Denicos Allen (LB, MSU), Terry Hawthorne (CB, ILL), Bradley Roby(CB, OSU), Blake Countess (CB, M), Daimion Stafford(SS, UNL), Christian Bryant (FS, OSU)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: I'm required to take a linebacker now, and I'll take a guy with a more impressive freshman year than many of the already-taken players upperclass years. Desmond Morgan wasn't great in pass coverage last year, and he didn't make a ton of plays, but he was injured for much of the first half of the year, a freshman for all of it, and still came out of the year with 63 tackles in just six starts. He finished the year with back-to-back ten-tackle performances against OSU and VT, racking up 3 TFLs in those two games.

When I sat in front of Greg Mattison earlier this year and listened Christian Bryant Ohio State v Illinois G2qzNU5DQiql[1]to him talk about the defense, his excitement about the "little freshman" who would hit ya was palpable. Only Jake Ryan and JT Floyd were similarly hyped by Mattison, and with Floyd it was all about effort, not ability.

I am also required to take a safety. This is less good, but OSU veteran Christian Bryant should at least be serviceable. He's entering his true junior year after starting nine games a year ago and racking up 69 tackles with 8 PBUs. He's a cover guy who doubles as OSU's nickel corner, which is what I need with the thumping Stafford in the SS slot.

SNARK: Morgan was a high school quarterback. BOOM, HEIKO. BOOOOOOOOOM.

Seth is excited to grab Drew Basil, leaving Ace and I fighting between… a guy with an 82% lifetime conversion rate and a guy with an 82% lifetime conversion rate. I'll suck it up. Long field goals are for saps anyway.

This is not snark, but boy we hate Roy Roundtree.

----------------------------------------------------

HEIKO

PICK: Danny O'Brien, QB, Wisconsin

CURRENT O: Danny O'Brien (QB, UW), Braxton Miller (QB/RB, OSU), Taylor Martinez (QB/RB, UNL), James Morris (FB/LB, IOWA), Patrick Ward (OT, Northwestern), Brandon Vitabile (C, Northwestern), Patrick Omameh (OG, UM), Fou Fonoti (OT, Michigan State), Kyle Prater (WR, NW), Devin Gardner (QB/WR, UM), DeAnthony Arnett (WR, MSU)

CURRENT D: Michael Buchanan (DE, ILL), Jordan Hill (DT, PSU), Baker Steinkuhler (DT, UNL), Craig Roh (DE, UM), Chris Norman (LB, MSU), Max Bullough (LB, MSU), Kenny Demens (LB, UM), Ryan Shazier (LB, OSU), J.T. Floyd (CB, UM), Darqueze Dennard (CB, MSU), Isaiah Lewis (FS, MSU), C.J. Barnett (SS, OSU)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Phase 4 of evil genius plan complete. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

SNARK: If winning were a sport, I'd be Charlie Sheen.

----------------------------------------------------

g12c0000000000000009bfbe60794e774819ae67b425ea16917036cfaa5[1]PICK: Dan Conroy, kicker, Michigan State

CURRENT O: James Vandenberg (QB, IA), Montee Ball (RB, UW), James White (RB, UW), Keenan Davis (WR, IA), Kain Colter (WR, NW), Jake Stoneburner (TE, OSU), Ricky Wagner (LT, UW), Spencer Long (LG, NEB), Travis Frederick (C, UW), Brian Mulroe (RG, NW), Rob Havenstein (RT, UW)

CURRENT D: William Gholston (SDE, MSU), Will Campbell (DT, MICH), Ondre Pipkins (NT, MICH), Cameron Meredith (WDE, NEB), Mike Taylor (WLB, UW), Chris Borland (MLB, UW), Michael Mauti (SLB, PSU), Johnny Adams (CB, MSU), Ricardo Allen (CB, PUR), Courtney Avery (NB, MICH), Ibraheim Campbell (SS, NW), Supo Sanni (FS, Iowa)

SPECIAL TEAMS: Dan Conroy (K, MSU), James White (KR, UW)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Conroy has hit field goals at a career 82% clip, hitting 11 from beyond 40 yards and three going 50+. He's a kicker. He kicks things. I need one of those. So, yeah.

SNARK: Now I really can't believe Heiko passed on Colter. And if starring in Anger Management on FX qualifies as "winning," I'll happily accept not doing that whatsoever.

-------------------------------------

SETH

troy-stoudermire[1]PICKS: Troy Stoudermire, cornerback, Minnesota, and Roy Roundtree, wide receiver, Michigan

CURRENT O: Denard Robinson (QB, M), Rex Burkhead (RB, Neb), Jeremy Gallon (Slot, M), Kofi Hughes (WR, Ind), Kenny Bell (WR, Neb), Roy Roundtree (WR, Mich), Jacob Pedersen (TE, Wis), Michael Schofield (LT, M), Ricky Barnum (LG, M), James Ferentz (C, Iowa), Graham Pocic (RG, Ill), Jeremiah Sirles (RT, Neb)

CURRENT D: John Hankins (NT, OSU), Kawaan Short (3T, Pur), Marcus Rush (DE, MSU), Lawrence Thomas (WDE/LB, MSU), Jon Brown (MLB, Ill), Gerald Hodges (SLB, PSU), Will Compton (WLB, Neb), Jordan Kovacs (SS, M), Thomas Gordon (FS, M), Micah Hyde (BCB, Iowa), Josh Johnson (FCB, Pur), Troy Stoudermire (Nickel, Minn)

SPECIAL TEAMS: Drew Basil (K, OSU), Jeremy Gallon (PR, M)

ROY-ROUNDTREE-112209-thumb-300x358-17143[1]EXPLAINED: I think the Roundtree hate was we were waiting to see how the surgery goes, nothing more. That hate over, I direct you to what he and Denard Robinson did together as sophomores in 2010 in the offense I plan to run. The four-year Michigan starter has 1724 yards on 123 receptions (14 ypc) over that career. Is he healthy now? Yes, and yes please.

Troy Stoudermire has for the past several years been known as the guy at Minnesota who could play on a *real* team. He's their best athlete (he plays both ways and holds the Big Ten record for kickoff return yardage) and the guy they miss the most when he's unavailable. An arm injury ended his 2011 season four games (and 2 interceptions) in, but he got his waiver to return for another go, and though he's on the smaller side, he's a far better option than Courtney Avery as a third corner when I go to the nickel.

SNARK: Christian Bryant loves to "bring the wood," which is a nice way of saying he's 2010 Cam Gordon except smaller.

----------------------------------

ACE

PICK: Cody Webster, punter, Purdue

-bb2b77b40b8deb3d[1]CURRENT O: James Vandenberg (QB, IA), Montee Ball (RB, UW), James White (RB, UW), Keenan Davis (WR, IA), Kain Colter (WR, NW), Jake Stoneburner (TE, OSU), Ricky Wagner (LT, UW), Spencer Long (LG, NEB), Travis Frederick (C, UW), Brian Mulroe (RG, NW), Rob Havenstein (RT, UW)

CURRENT D: William Gholston (SDE, MSU), Will Campbell (DT, MICH), Ondre Pipkins (NT, MICH), Cameron Meredith (WDE, NEB), Mike Taylor (WLB, UW), Chris Borland (MLB, UW), Michael Mauti (SLB, PSU), Johnny Adams (CB, MSU), Ricardo Allen (CB, PUR), Courtney Avery (NB, MICH), Ibraheim Campbell (SS, NW), Supo Sanni (FS, Iowa)

SPECIAL TEAMS:  Dan Conroy (K, MSU), Cody Webster (P, PUR) James White (KR, UW)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Webster finished second in the conference in yards per punt at 42.9; more importantly, the Boilermakers finished third in the B1G in net punting. Webster is a punter. He punts things. I need one of those. So, yeah.

SNARK: I'm of the mind that Roundtree deserved to go after Gallon, but slipping this far may have been a little harsh. He's not a guy you want as your top option, but being a secondary guy working out of the slot went pretty well for him the last time around.

--------------------------------

HEIKO

Michigan State v Wisconsin ZeRN9qGuo4Mm[1]PICK: Dion Sims, TE, Michigan State

CURRENT O: Danny O'Brien (QB, UW), Braxton Miller (QB/RB, OSU), Taylor Martinez (QB/RB, UNL), James Morris (FB/LB, IOWA), Dion Sims (TE, MSU) Patrick Ward (OT, Northwestern), Brandon Vitabile (C, Northwestern), Patrick Omameh (OG, UM), Fou Fonoti (OT, Michigan State), Kyle Prater (WR, NW), Devin Gardner (QB/WR, UM), DeAnthony Arnett (WR, MSU)

CURRENT D: Michael Buchanan (DE, ILL), Jordan Hill (DT, PSU), Baker Steinkuhler (DT, UNL), Craig Roh (DE, UM), Chris Norman (LB, MSU), Max Bullough (LB, MSU), Kenny Demens (LB, UM), Ryan Shazier (LB, OSU), J.T. Floyd (CB, UM), Darqueze Dennard (CB, MSU), Isaiah Lewis (FS, MSU), C.J. Barnett (SS, OSU)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Well, with a Manball QB, I'll need a Manball tight end. Dion Sims just blew up in Michigan State's scrimmage with 10 catches for 171 yards. At 6-5, 285 lbs, he'll be good as an in-line blocker, too.

SNARK: Wait for it ...

----------------------------------

BRIAN

mitch-ewald-teddy-schell-2010-11-27-16-30-37[1]PICKS: Mitch Ewald, K, Indiana, and Andrew Maxwell, P, Michigan State

CURRENT O: Nathan Scheelhaase (QB, ILL), Fitzgerald Toussaint (RB, M), LeVeon Bell (HB/FB, MSU), Jared Abbrederis (WR, UW), MarQuies Gray (QB/WR, Minn), Kevonte Martin-Manley (WR, Iowa), CJ Fieodorwicz (TE, Iowa), Taylor Lewan(LT, M), Ryan Groy (LG, UW), Matt Stankiewitch (C, PSU), Chris McDonald (RG, MSU), Jack Mewhort (RT, OSU).

CURRENT D: Ra'Shede Hageman (DE, Minnesota), John Simon (DE, OSU), Beau Allen (NT, UW), Akeem Spence (DT, ILL), Jake Ryan (LB, M), Desmond Morgan (LB, M), Denicos Allen (LB, MSU), Terry Hawthorne (CB, ILL), Bradley Roby(CB, OSU), Blake Countess (CB, M), Daimion Stafford(SS, UNL), Christian Bryant (FS, OSU)

SPECIAL TEAMS: Mitch Ewald(K, Indiana), Andrew Maxwell (P, Michigan State)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Ewald's hit 29 of 35 field goals lifetime and hit from 49 twice last year. Sold. Long field goals are for suckers. Anyway.

Maxwell-Andrew[1]You know what else is for suckers? Punting. I'm sure if we end up in third and six hundred Ewald or, I don't know, Scheelhaase or something can pooch it almost as many yards as a normal punter would, probably without any returns. Instead of waste a roster spot on like four yards a drive, I'll draft a backup plan in the unlikely even Scheelhaase doesn't go ham with the assembled POWER around him. Andrew Maxwell hasn't seen the field yet but is a former four-star recruit who is a holy lock to be MSU's starter.

SNARK: This move definitely did not arise from an IM conversation in which I sarcastically suggested Maxwell's availability to Heiko and he said "I'll leave him to you since he's better than either of your quarterbacks."

Meanwhile, Heiko, I hear your latest pick is a steal. Ha ha ha!

--------------------------------

HEIKO

matt-millen-yelling[1]millenx-inset-community[1]matt-millen-ap[1]

PICK: Ben Cotton, TE, Nebraska

CURRENT O: Danny O'Brien (QB, UW), Braxton Miller (QB/RB, OSU), Taylor Martinez (QB/RB, UNL), James Morris (FB/LB, IOWA), Dion Sims (TE, Michigan State), Ben Cotton (TE, Nebraska), Patrick Ward (OT, Northwestern), Brandon Vitabile (C, Northwestern), Patrick Omameh (OG, UM), Fou Fonoti (OG/OT, Michigan State), Kyle Prater (WR, NW), Devin Gardner (QB/WR, UM), DeAnthony Arnett (WR, MSU)

CURRENT D: Michael Buchanan (DE, ILL), Jordan Hill (DT, PSU), Baker Steinkuhler (OT/DT, UNL), Craig Roh (DE, UM), Chris Norman (LB, MSU), Max Bullough (LB, MSU), Kenny Demens (LB, UM), Ryan Shazier (LB, OSU), J.T. Floyd (CB, UM), Darqueze Dennard (CB, MSU), Isaiah Lewis (FS, MSU), C.J. Barnett (SS, OSU)

KICKER(S): Brett Maher (K/P, Nebraska)

RETURNER(S): DeAnthony Arnett OR Taylor Martinez OR Darqueze Dennard OR Isaiah Lewis.

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Stop looking so surprised. I can afford to draft another tight end instead of an offensive lineman because I was secretly keeping Baker Steinkuhler around as a dual-threat OT/DT. At 6-6, 300 lbs, Steinkuhler is not only a standout on the defensive line, but was also the nation's No. 2 ranked tackle coming out of high school. His dad was Dean Steinkuhler, who won the Outland and Lombardi Trophies as a guard, so the bloodlines are there. Also, according to Greg Mattison, defensive line is a lot harder to play than offensive line anyway. I'm sure Steinkuhler will have no problem run blocking as my right tackle, especially with tight end help, as I shuffle Fou Fonoti to guard where he's a better fit anyway. So from left to right, here's how things should look:

LT Patrick Ward, LG Fou Fonoti, C Brandon Vitabile, RG Patrick Omameh, RT Baker Steinkuhler, TE Dion Sims/Ben Cotton.

In my "heavy" formations, I'll probably have my other tight end on the left side (or on the right side!)

Cotton hasn't been the most productive TE in terms of catches because he was hampered by a variety of injuries last season and he was playing with full time QB Taylor Martinez. He still garnered All-B1G recognition and is ranked 4th of all B1G TEs according to the BTN.

Phase 5 of my Glorious Evil Plan is now complete. Offensively, now I can run anything from a Maryland I to a diamond to an empty spread. Defensively I'm still flexible enough to run a 4-3, 4-4, 3-4, or even a 3-5 (plus Morris). You guys and all your "punters" and "running backs" can suck it.

SNARK: Beneath my benign Asian exterior lies Matt Millen, beneath whom lies Dr. Vorax, beneath whom lies a troll, beneath whom lies my true identity.

--------------------------------

ACE

Ohio-State-Devin-Smith-catches-touchdown-Akron-LT-Smith-Manley-Waller[1]PICK: Devin Smith, wide receiver, Ohio State

CURRENT O: James Vandenberg (QB, IA), Montee Ball (RB, UW), James White (RB, UW), Keenan Davis (WR, IA), Kain Colter (WR, NW), Devin Smith (WR, OSU), Jake Stoneburner (TE, OSU), Ricky Wagner (LT, UW), Spencer Long (LG, NEB), Travis Frederick (C, UW), Brian Mulroe (RG, NW), Rob Havenstein (RT, UW)

CURRENT D: William Gholston (SDE, MSU), Will Campbell (DT, MICH), Ondre Pipkins (NT, MICH), Cameron Meredith (WDE, NEB), Mike Taylor (WLB, UW), Chris Borland (MLB, UW), Michael Mauti (SLB, PSU), Johnny Adams (CB, MSU), Ricardo Allen (CB, PUR), Courtney Avery (NB, MICH), Ibraheim Campbell (SS, NW), Supo Sanni (FS, Iowa)

SPECIAL TEAMS: Dan Conroy (K, MSU), Cody Webster (P, PUR) James White (KR, UW), Devin Smith (PR, OSU)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Me, one round ago: This is the last round, right?
Brian: Yes. That is, you have one more pick.
Me: You sure? I have both kickers, a second RB, and a nickel.
Brian: You have four WR/TEs?
Me: [facepalm]

Oops. Now that I've jumped on a punter instead of snapping up Roundtree or Sims, I'll take Ohio State's most prolific wide receiver last year. In case you're forgetting exactly how "prolific" the Buckeye passing offense was a season ago, Smith never caught more than three passes in a game and only recorded 14 on the season. However, he'll be catching passes from James Vandenberg, not Joe Bauserman and a freshman Braxton Miller, which should help matters greatly. Smith gives my team a dangerous deep threat; he averaged 21.0 yards per catch last season, which would have topped the conference had he qualified. He's 6'1", 200 pounds, and one of the better athletes on an Ohio State team full of them. Best of all, he'll only be a sophomore this year. For a final-round crap-I-forgot-to-draft-this-position pick, I'll take it.

SELF-SNARK: With one return for three yards last year, Smith qualifies as my most viable option at punt returner. Field position is for suckers, though.

--------------------------------

SETH

images[1]MR IRRELEVANT: Ben Buchanan, punter, THE state university in Ohio that isn't Miami or the other one called OHIO.

CURRENT O: Denard Robinson (QB, M), Rex Burkhead (RB, Neb), Jeremy Gallon (Slot, M), Kofi Hughes (WR, Ind), Kenny Bell (WR, Neb), Roy Roundtree (WR, Mich), Jacob Pedersen (TE, Wis), Michael Schofield (LT, M), Ricky Barnum (LG, M), James Ferentz (C, Iowa), Graham Pocic (RG, Ill), Jeremiah Sirles (RT, Neb)

CURRENT D: John Hankins (NT, OSU), Kawaan Short (3T, Pur), Marcus Rush (DE, MSU), Lawrence Thomas (WDE/LB, MSU), Jon Brown (MLB, Ill), Gerald Hodges (SLB, PSU), Will Compton (WLB, Neb), Jordan Kovacs (SS, M), Thomas Gordon (FS, M), Micah Hyde (BCB, Iowa), Josh Johnson (FCB, Pur), Troy Stoudemire (Nickel, Minn)

SPECIAL TEAMS: Drew Basil (K, OSU), Ben Buchanan (P, OSU), Jeremy Gallon (PR, M), Troy Stoudermire (KR, Minn)

BRIEF EXPLANATION: Mr. Irrelevant is a good name for the last guy chosen in any draft, and an even better name for the punter despite "the most important play in football." That is, until your punter screws up. So if I must take a punting punter who punts, I'm taking the one who Fremeau can barely distinguish from Maher, and more importantly who doesn't screw up. In 70 punts last year the only ones by Buchanan that didn't go 35 or more yards were downed inside the 20. He won't win any punting hardware, but neither will he win any gif competitions. And with that my defense rests.

SNARK: Am I upset Heiko got one player almost as good as my two? Not when I took Jordan Kovacs that same round, and he ended up using that extra player to draft an awful linebacker to play fullback. But if I could have just one more player I'd love another run-stuffing 3-tech/5-tech (Adam Replogle, Nathan Williams, or Jibreel Black, hell even Garrett Goebel) so I could play LT standing up against the run. This is but a small complaint.

-----------------------------------

BRIAN

Punting is for saps!

-------------------------------------

EVERYONE

/collapses in heap

Comments

Heiko

August 22nd, 2012 at 2:28 PM ^

For the record, James Morris had a high ankle sprain for most of last season. Mike Hart, Brandon Minor, and Mike Martin would like to remind everyone that this is a serious, performance-limiting affliction.

andrewG

August 22nd, 2012 at 3:28 PM ^

What the hell is Heiko's O-line going to do against Brian and Seth's D-line? Will the ball even get to whichever QB happens to be receiving the snap before the first defender does???

ScottGoBlue

August 22nd, 2012 at 3:52 PM ^

I researched each team, compared complex statistical data, plugged each team into NCAA '13 and simulated 1,000,000 seasons, looked at the rules of the Snark Draft ... 

"Rules: Inverse snake. Everyone drafts a full team of 11 offensive/defensive players, two kickers, a FB/HB type (assuming 3 WR), and a nickelback. You can move people around within reason (OL, DL, LB) but those moves will be looked upon skeptically by your fellow drafters and viciously attacked when it comes to make a case for your teams. Once the three other players have drafted a position, the last to go must pick the last player at that position within two rounds*.

When we are done we put the thing to a user vote after making our case. Whoever has Denard wins."

and can say conslusively, beyond a shadow of a doubt that Seth has Denard, therefore Seth wins.

BlueDragon

August 22nd, 2012 at 10:41 PM ^

I agree with the three-headed Matt Millen.

So from left to right, here's how things should look:

LT Patrick Ward, LG Fou Fonoti, C Brandon Vitabile, RG Patrick Omameh, RT Baker Steinkuhler, TE Dion Sims/Ben Cotton.

I like the intuitive clarity of those lines.