The Other Elephant in the Room
There is one question on everyone's mind after Michigan's loss yesterday in Madison. No one has risked voicing it, perhaps because of an understandable reticence to reflexively apply a similar query, broadly conceived, so I risk doing it here, on MGOBLOG. Here it is:
To what extent does Michigan's ignominious loss yesterday make me, Marvin, a lesser human being?
In the exploration that follows I refer to two biblical passages, both of which have been enormously influential in the evolution of Protestantism (apologies to my Papist readers), but which are often taken as oppositional – at least in terms of their exegetical lineages. You’ll find yourselves delighted , however, when you find that at the conclusion of my modest proposal I makes the surprising claim that both arguments can be overcome when we think of yet another passage from the everyone’s favorite Old Testament book, Deuteronomy!
What follows I offer in the spirit of frank, candid, humble inquiry.
Text 1: "For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth and scourgeth every son whom He receiveth." (Hebrews 12.6)
From this text, which of course has long been a favorite of adherents to the Calvinist lineage, we see that God’s grace is not evident in those for whom life offers little in the way of trial and hardship. To the contrary, for the Lord to “receive” you – (in other words, for my predestinarian readers, to “have grace”) you must indeed undergo a series of “chastenings” or “scourgings,” in effect punishments for the sinful flesh we all must occupy during this brief period of penance we undergo in this life. From this premise we must assume that Michigan’s loss yesterday was yet another trial for Marvin, a painful “scourging” that I might well take as a sign of my status in the eyes of God. In other words, I can find solace in the fact that yesterday’s drubbing was evidence of my state of grace, and hence I am not a “lesser person” (as I say above), but rather a patient suffering victim of Adam’s sin, which God has justifiably found loathesome in me and punished accordingly.
Objection: Care must be taken, however, lest this passage be applied too literally. It would seem to indicate, for example, that for the likes of Alabama or Clemson, abiding success equates to the absence of God’s grace, for their “chastenings” have been scarce. As we all know, both Clemson and Alabama represent the very quintessence of Biblical salvation, thus we can conclude that the text does not apply. Conversely, Art Briles has been repeatedly scourged, and he is obviously the living embodiment of God’s damned. He will sit on the left hand at judgment day, and this is beyond dispute.
Text 2: “Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified” (Romans: 8:30)
Here Marvin laments. In this text, which was the very basis of Calvin’s notion of “predestination” (the belief that God has a select few who are chosen before time for the kingdom of Heaven), we see that “glorification” might well be viewed as evidence of our “justification” – or our status as members of God’s elect. Michigan was not glorified in any way yesterday; the game was a sustained assault on Marvin’s hopes and dreams for the 2019 football season, and he (me/I) still lives under a black cloud of despair. There was no “glory,” in other words, for Marvin, but rather or vast hole where glory should have been. Here we might think of Galatians 3:10: “For He offereth thee not glory, but a glory-hole, like a yawning charnel maw, for thy sufferings justify thee not.”
From this text I conclude that Marvin is, in fact, “a lesser human being,” and that Dabo Swinnites and Sabansians are bound for Heaven. Inconsistencies that I notes above are thus removed, which is one possible merit of the second perspective in my inquiry.
Objection: One could well argue that since I watched the game on a high definition big screen television with friends and family, all of whom partook of my delicious barbecued chicken drumettes (bounty!), I was glorified by virtue of the plenty and ease that surrounded me during the game. Michigan’s loss was merely a tangential event to the experience itself, which offered no legitimate hardship in the eyes of God, but rather a “sign” of my justification.
Conclusion:
I’ll conclude now (apologies for the brevity of my inquiry) with a passage that may offer solace to us all. I know you were all waiting for this passage, so I deliver it in the spirit of joy and triumph. Of course it’s Deuteronomy 30.4-7!
“If any of thine be driven to the outmost parts of Heaven, from thence will the Lord they God gather thee, and from thence will he fetch thee. And the Lord thy God will put all these curses upon thine enemies, and on them which hate thee, which persecuted thee” (Deuteronomy 30:4-7)
TAKE JOY! Do not lose faith Michigan fans. Like Job, we should retain our faith and rail not against God for the sufferings of Michigan football, for faith in the program will be rewarded – perhaps not this season, but in seasons to come. I’ll end then, with this gem from the book of Exodus: “Stand still and see the salvation of the [Michigan football]” (Exodus 14:13). Whether our Moses is Jim Harbaugh or not remains to be seen, however, as this board has repeatedly averred over the past 24 hours.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:12 PM ^
We’ve officially jumped the shark.
September 22nd, 2019 at 1:28 PM ^
“Humped”
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:15 PM ^
This board has lost its shit
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:46 PM ^
Just when you think you’ve seen the bottom of the crazy barrel, Woodson as the new HC for example, something even more insane pops up. What a shitshow at the moment.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:16 PM ^
I picked a hell of a week to stop sniffing glue
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:17 PM ^
Looks like the OP found your stash.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:32 PM ^
I picked a great one to start!
September 22nd, 2019 at 5:17 PM ^
I was like him briefly after the game but Keith Jackson and Bob Ufer came by and took me to dinner and reminded me of all the good times..
MGO Blue!
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:17 PM ^
tl;dr
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:17 PM ^
Marvin’s consistent, ironic use of third person omniscience never fails to entertain. This soliloquy was simultaneously everything that is both right and wrong about MGoBlog. Bravo - Marvin’s gonna Marvin...
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:31 PM ^
Agree. this post wasn't about religion really, it was the sign of a well read M fan which is actually a good thing about this blog. It was also tongue in cheek dudes, so calm down.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:40 PM ^
I get it, but he failed epically. Way too long.
September 22nd, 2019 at 2:17 PM ^
I lament, must we all have the attention span of a gnat?
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:17 PM ^
To follow up your scripture references, I have some religious words to offer when I read your post:
Jesus Christ
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:18 PM ^
We have officially hit rock bottom.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:56 PM ^
Not really....we’ve always been a basketball school.
44 days till opening tip
September 22nd, 2019 at 1:24 PM ^
Beilein's gone. We hired an NBA assistant with no college or head coaching experience.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:18 PM ^
what the serious fuck
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:21 PM ^
Jesus Christ, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me with this shit!
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:22 PM ^
This made me chuckle. Thank you.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:23 PM ^
Edit: Amen
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:23 PM ^
Your post makes me ponder:
Would I rather listen to someone preach - or - would I rather watch the wonderful acting of Screech? Church bells are ringing and I have been saved by them.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:26 PM ^
Who's this fucking clown?
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:27 PM ^
And with your spirit.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:36 PM ^
And also with you (old school)
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:27 PM ^
This is way too much religion.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:27 PM ^
If you're a Calvinist, then it's already been determined whether Michigan will suck or succeed. So nothing that Harbaugh nor anyone else does will alter the pre-ordained outcome.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:31 PM ^
I think he’s more of a Marvinist.
September 22nd, 2019 at 1:01 PM ^
It doesn’t appear right now that M is part of the “elect”.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:28 PM ^
I saw the Book of Mormon last night. In Madison. So there.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:28 PM ^
And now “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:34 PM ^
No religion. And Job is basically a cliche, not very clever.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:34 PM ^
Your mom’s ass in the other elephant in the room.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:34 PM ^
I encourage you to do a weekly assessment of Michigan football in light of biblical exegesis.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:35 PM ^
Sounds good, starvin Marvin.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:35 PM ^
Your mom’s ass is the other elephant in the room.
Double Post - my apologies Marvin.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:39 PM ^
I am going to give you some benefit of the doubt for this self aggrandizing, preachy rant that is almost worthy of one of StevenJRKing's masturbation pieces and say YOU ARE BEING SARCASTIC and I know it.
I often wonder why politics are a no-go here, but religious bullshit is allowed.
I guess people hedge their bet against the real, deep seated belief that there is NOT a heaven, but that it's probably a real good idea to be nice to each other anyway.
And food for thought: With all the money people waste donating to a church so they can get a better room in heaven, why not take that money and put it towards medicare for all??
September 22nd, 2019 at 1:10 PM ^
Leave Stephen King Jr out of this. I love his long ass posts as they are generally an excellent analysis of whatever football thing he's discussing. Plus, he's a master of the macabre.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:40 PM ^
Ah, Marvin. The bud was dipped in gas. Thought you'd like to know.
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:41 PM ^
Being that you’re a Martian...
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:44 PM ^
I feel like I've been getting a lot of chastenething and scourgething, so there's that
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:49 PM ^
Okie dokie then, good to know!
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:50 PM ^
My thoughts exactly! This is precisely what I explained to my wife after the game yesterday
September 22nd, 2019 at 12:55 PM ^
For those who do not see this post is most incredible, I do thee pray for you.
September 22nd, 2019 at 1:01 PM ^
I’ll have whatever Marvin’s having
September 22nd, 2019 at 1:02 PM ^
Can we get the cliff notes version next time
September 22nd, 2019 at 1:07 PM ^
The Elephant in the Room...Al Borges?
September 22nd, 2019 at 1:09 PM ^
I was disappointed that there was no "Thus endeth the lesson" at the end of this....