Funny Stalions saga fanfic on defector.com

Submitted by LBSS on November 1st, 2023 at 11:31 AM

Not sure how much overlap there is between the MGoBlog and Defector readerships, but for those who aren't familiar, Defector is the site started by former Deadspin staffers who a few years ago mass-quit in protest of their private equity bosses. They've been goofing on the Stalions saga through a series of Graham Greene-style stories, which keep getting more and more elaborate. The one they published today ($) even includes an MGoBlog reference.

It's paywalled but thought others in the MGoReadership would at least enjoy knowing that we're not alone in the sports blogosophere in thinking that this story is a farce. 

Here's a sample:

He went back to the States, where his career had been remote detonated. That's what happens when you throw in with a cowboy from MI6 who breaks into your flat in the middle of the night with some petrified girl in tow, ranting about a super-spook named Connor Stalions, intel breaches from Whitehall to Ann Arbor, and a grand conspiracy that threatened to swallow everyone whole. Even now, he could still admit to himself that the kid had made a compelling case. But it wasn't the intel that had convinced him go off-book with him. It was the conviction in the kid's eye, the belief that they were close to something big. He couldn't resist being a part of that.

That's how he ended up skidding off the fast track to station chief and spending the last 10 years chained to a desk in the basement at Langley. They were waiting for him as soon as he stepped off the plane. He spent four hours in a sweat box with two heavies he'd never seen before and would never see again. They explained to him that it was the official stance of the United States government and its allies abroad that Connor Stalions never existed. They told him that Stalions had been conjured up by the kid after he let go of the rope working a message board cell in Columbus.

...

It took three years for the gin to get its hooks in him, but after that everything was mostly a blur. Day after day of sorting surveillance photos that were dumped on his desk by other analysts who were above that kind of busywork. Weeks spent building dossiers that were destined only for the bottom of someone else's filing cabinet.

And then he got his hands on yesterday's batch. The label didn't betray anything out of the ordinary: "CMU V. MSU (SEPT. 1 2023) CLEARANCE. NoForn." It had come from the Mount Pleasant station, which was running a low-level Harbaugh associate named Jim McElwain. He'd been an enthusiastic if mostly useless asset ever since the agency had helped him explain away some embarrassing photos.

He opened the package, and there he was, staring right through him.

P.S. Someone at Defector is clearly on the boards over here. My money's on Lauren Thiesen.

 

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Connor Stalions

mGrowOld

November 1st, 2023 at 11:48 AM ^

Good to know it's not just us that pound a joke into the ground and retell it so many times it stops being funny.

Seems like we're at a point in this saga where there's basically three separate camps forming:

The "I'm outraged, Michigan must be suspended immediately and Harbaugh needs to be fired ASAP with a 10 year (at least) show cause.  Death penalty for the program is definitely on the table for discussion" - MSU fans, OSU fans, Pete Thamel and Paul Finebaum

The "Conner Stallion was a boob, let's make a joke about him" - Deadspin, Barstool, other football blogs (other than MSU & OSUs) Brian Cook

The "Wake me up when it's over, nothing to see here, move along" - Virtually all Michigan fans & alumni

Joined: 10/04/2010

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FrankMurphy

November 1st, 2023 at 12:56 PM ^

There are more camps than that. After the CMU thing, I honestly don't know what to think.

I mean, WTF was he doing on CMU's sideline? If he was doing reconnaissance on MSU, wouldn't he have had a better view of MSU's sideline from the stands? And how did he manage to get a sideline pass, anyway? And did it not occur to anyone on CMU's staff to ask, "Wait a minute, who the fuck is this guy?"

Joined: 08/19/2008

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Amazinblu

November 1st, 2023 at 11:52 AM ^

If you're at a game and in the seats next to you is someone who looks like this - with a vacant seat next to them - be aware.   There are rumors regarding the disguises used to "blend in" with the crowd while capturing images of the opposing team's signs.

Generally - these individuals are collecting referred to as - "persons of interest".   In other circles, they are aka (also known as) - Bozo's.

I'll be keeping my eye for them at future games.

Florida Memory • Portrait of Sparks Circus clown Elmer C. Lundquist with a camera.

Clown with foam camera at the International Bognor Clown Festival in Bognor Regis, Sussex, England. | Creepy clown, Clown, Clown faces

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03 Blue 07

November 1st, 2023 at 11:55 AM ^

I am a Defector subscriber and concur with the OP. Defector has previously posted one or two Connor Stalions pieces in the same vein as the one linked in the OP, and I thought today's was excellent. Cracked me up and engrossed me at the same time. For those who may not be aware, Defector is composed of the former writers at Deadspin who quit en masse to form their own employee-owned site when Deadspin was taken over by a private equity firm. So far, Defector has been profitable in each of its last two years. David J. Roth's writing, alone, is work the subscription IMO. 

Joined: 07/01/2008

MGoPoints: 3427

matty blue

November 1st, 2023 at 12:02 PM ^

you beat me to it, LBSS.  it's freaking brilliant, by far the best thing that's been written around this whole fiasco.

by the way, the defector comment section is the best section out there, and it's not particularly close.  it's just so smart.

my money is on lauren theisen, too, although she might be too obvious.  maybe maitreyi?

Joined: 08/01/2008

MGoPoints: 39201

Bo Harbaugh

November 1st, 2023 at 12:31 PM ^

The more ridiculous info that comes out around Stalions, the better for UM. Obviously the program will receive some punishment for what went down, but having a rogue character, dressing up on other sidelines, creating a manifesto, sending out a team of scouts looks more and more absurd and useless by the day.  Anyone that knows football and life quickly realizes this guy was a loon fan that the staff hired due to a decade of loyalty and maybe even some pity.

Yes, UM must do a much better job vetting its hires, but the fantasy that one Connor Stalions remade the UM program and saved Jim Harbaugh from coaching irrelevance is beyond idiocy. 

Blowout PSU and nuke OSU and this entire thing turns on Ryan Day...and he looks like an even more absurd clown.  The same mouth breathers touting OSU at #1 today and absolving Day of the last 2 losses against UM, due to this "scandal", will be hollering for his firing when UM blasts them by 3 scores again.

There will be no absolution for Ryan Day.

Joined: 08/03/2019

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DelGriffith

November 1st, 2023 at 2:29 PM ^

The funniest and most exonerating aspect of the whole thing is just how amateurish it all is. Michigan football is a 200 million dollar-a-year enterprise. Anybody with a bit of status could probably come up with a few thousand dollars of untraceable petty cash, but no, guy used his own danged credit card. 

Clearly, Covert Operations 101 is not a required course at the Naval Academy. Think that's on the 1st quiz.... "T or F: You should always use your personal credit card to fund undercover operations"

Joined: 11/01/2023

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Bo Harbaugh

November 1st, 2023 at 3:38 PM ^

Exactly…and the idea that the billion dollar behemoth that is OSU football and the Greater B1G were brought to their knees by a $55k a year employee at one point living in his car to spend $15k a year on “vast network covert ops” is… pure OSU copium .

If they knew, which they and many others claim, they changed things up, which they also claim. 

Joined: 08/03/2019

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Kapitan Howard

November 1st, 2023 at 4:20 PM ^

You need to catch up to the Buckeye goalposts because they've moved. Your more advanced OSU fan will tell you that they did change their signs, but the time this took prevented them from... playing a halfway competent defense and caused them to get ripped to shreds by big plays. Now, you may think this is a stupid excuse, but to them it's as damning a smoking gun as an assistant coach on the sideline during the game.

Joined: 07/30/2009

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WestQuad

November 1st, 2023 at 12:39 PM ^

[Jim McElwain had] been an enthusiastic if mostly useless asset ever since the agency had helped him explain away some embarrassing photos

Pure genius.

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MGoPoints: 31169

greattobeamich…

November 1st, 2023 at 10:01 PM ^

wild theory….that came from a “trust me bro” source that all kinda makes sense now because nothing else does! Connor Stalions was a Sign stealer and took his job to next level. Many other teams have a Stallion type guy. These sign stealers know each other and exchange info with each other against up coming opponents. A honor amongst thieves type thing. The reason other universities aren’t calling out Michigan like they could/should is because they have their own sign stealing guy and stallions/michigan could roll over on them, and blow the whole thing up. So The ncaa is discovering all this and is realizing its much broader bigger problem than it originally thought and doesn’t want a world where universities can  hire private PI. firms to investigate each other. Example- maybe a Aurburn hiring pi’s to investigate Alabama, or ND hiring firm to investigate USC’s recruiting practices. Michigan will cooperate with the NCAA and take a slight punishment that the whole country will roll there eyes at, and wonder why? and next year you’ll have wireless communications, same as the nfl has been doing for years. This story is going to be hushed soon and in the 3 to 4 years after the investigation is done michigan will lose some scholarships and there will be wireless communications throughout the NCAA. Feel free to laugh at your own peril.

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