Today In Frothing At The Mouth About Harbaugh Comment Count

Brian June 10th, 2015 at 12:48 PM


Today it's Alabama's turn on "Jim Harbaugh makes people so mad they go cross-eyed and spit in their own face":

For opponents of the satellite camp, and I am firmly among them, Johnson's commitment to Michigan also reinforces what a sham we're presently operating under. Attaching one's self to a high school 1300 miles away like a dad-jeaned toadstool is by no stretch a "teaching opportunity," as the camps were so designed. We've said all along these are nothing but recruiting junkets. That even Michigan's own film study and recruiting efforts previously overlooked the lightly-regarded Johnson only underscores this fact.

Rather than bolstering the satellite camp, in fact, a measured view of the camps in light of Johnson's commitment, only shows that the loophole is a chance to lazily poach talent in contravention of a rule designed to avoid turning recruiting into a 12-month long circus.

This is of course Alabama, the fanbase that annually responds to Nick Saban cutting 6-10 guys with "tough shit, it's a business." It is specifically the blog—albeit not the person—who responded to a post here about a kid getting cut by titling a post "Brian Cook is, Amongst Other Things, a Coward and a Liar." They live in the conference of bag men and are no doubt amongst the most committed participants*. Nick Saban himself caused a kerfuffle several years ago when he skirted the boundaries of the NCAA's quiet period by maybe possibly having conversations with recruits he was permitted only to "bump" into. The number of Alabama fans who cared about this is zero. Alabama fans do not care about NCAA rules, whether it's letter or intent, one iota.

While that is an increasingly defensible position, the word soup above is not. If it even has a position. Its author, Erik Evans, is clutching every pearl in a five-county radius that Michigan might be using these camps to find football players. Several dozen Crimson Tide matrons collapsed to the floor after Dytarious Johnson's recent commitment. The state has never endured such calumny.

The post's argument was difficult to parse out in the first place; it is more confusing now that Evans edited it after the fact. He discovered that Johnson had talked to the Michigan coaching staff before the camp and asked him to attend it to earn his offer; this invalidates large sections of the post but provides an opportunity to sick the specter of a Level 4 violation on Michigan if in fact the compliance officer they're bringing to every damn camp doesn't have his Ps and Qs straight.

It takes a special kind of person to argue that Michigan's satellite camps are an opportunity to "lazily poach talent" and create a "12-month long circus" without even allowing so much as a period to separate those two diametrically opposed thoughts. Attempting to rebut any particular point is futile since most have already been rebutted in the same damn sentence they were made, so we'll have to take another tack. Let's evaluate the stakeholders here to see who is harmed.

JIM HARBAUGH. Evaluates lots of players from across the country in person. Develops relationships with otherwise remote players. Finds some recruits. Improves his football team down the road. Gets to write letters that end with "sincerely yours in football."

Verdict: WIN.

CAMP ATTENDEES. Get exposure in front of not only the Michigan coaches but various local staffs. May get scholarship offer they would not as a result. May get to play Peruball against shirtless Harbaugh. Don't have to go at all if they don't want to. Attendance veritably implies approval, and many attend.

Verdict: WIN.

CAMP ORGANIZERS. Hype from Harbaugh visit can almost double attendance.

Verdict: WIN.

SMALL CHILDREN WITH TERRIBLE DISEASES. Increased attendance helps raise money for brain cancer research.

Verdict: WIN.

ALABAMA. May have to work slightly harder in the future to convince certain players they should play at Alabama.

Verdict: LOSS.

I don't mind the Alabama fanbase's purely mercenary mindset so much anymore, but at least own it. You would put your grandma through a wood chipper for a tiny increase in the chance at a national championship. There is literally no moral or ethical issue that would even vaguely factor into your decision making. And that's fine. We need lizard people too. Just don't pretend your objection to satellite camps is anything other than pure self-interest.

On the bright side, Evans has a bright future as a Toys R Us CEO down the road.

*[I gave up on condemning such practices because nobody's ever come up with an actual harm caused by people offering football players petty cash that doesn't involve fan anger stuff.]



June 10th, 2015 at 2:17 PM ^

It must be a phrase that stalls the literate brain from deciphering the extreme idiocy of the remaining statements. I for one had to re-read that particular phrase three times before my doctorate educated cerebrum said, "nope, no sense here" and moved on. Of course, I once had the same question of alternate reality while eating at a Cracker Barrel in Montgomery.


June 10th, 2015 at 12:58 PM ^

Whatever is Bama gonna do now that they have to keep accepting all those 4 and 5 stars that want to play for them instead of the underrated local two and three stars that their dynasty has so clearly been built around? 

Bando Calrissian

June 10th, 2015 at 12:59 PM ^

I do declare, this calumny shall not stand, those Yankees coming into our sovereign, ancestral territory to poach our sons for their God-given football talent. Let us raise an army against these dastardly carpetbaggers.



June 10th, 2015 at 2:38 PM ^

...and not just b/c he's a rooster.

Can you imagine a cartoon for kids being released today where the main character goes around talking like a stereotypical southerner, berating others and telling them to "straighten up" and regularly (w/o provocation) whoops dogs and others over the head/on the behind with a large piece of wood?

The internet would be in an uproar.

He's still hilarious though, for kids and adults. His verbal patter is unmatched, even by Bugs.


June 10th, 2015 at 1:02 PM ^

Alabama -- the school that built a new weight room for a Florida high school that just so happened to have a couple of five star football propsects in the senior class who, unsurprisingly, attended Alabama. 

Is there a program in the country with less of a right to complain about shady recruiting than Alabama?

Icehole Woody

June 10th, 2015 at 1:16 PM ^

What a load of hypocritical bull shit.  I seem to recall Alabama recently  "poaching" a Heisman runing back out of Flint, Michigan.    Just wait until Michigan takes a recruit away that they really want.  Then the shrill butt hurt will really flow and no one will enjoy it more than I.

Go Blue!


June 10th, 2015 at 1:05 PM ^

Harbaugh's phone number and complain. It's on his twitter site. For Bama fans that need to call toll free, they can use 1-800-CRY-BABY.

Everyone Murders

June 10th, 2015 at 1:19 PM ^

I've not seen this before, but I get the sense that Phyllis from Mulga has been involved in more than one tussle in the Walmart hair care aisle.  And I feel confident that her spawn was in the mix too, whacking her opponent with shampoo bottles, face-kickin', and otherwise "protecting his mama".

I could be wrong.  But I'm not.


June 10th, 2015 at 1:12 PM ^

Rather than bolstering the satellite camp, in fact, a measured view of the camps in light of Johnson's commitment, only shows that the loophole is a chance to lazily poach talent in contravention of a rule designed to avoid turning recruiting into a 12-month long circus.

Pity, because that rule has been doing such a great fucking job of that, up til now.



June 10th, 2015 at 1:13 PM ^

The "You would put your grandma through a wood chipper for a tiny increase in the chance at a national championship." had me laughing to myself at my desk.
Plain and simple, the SEC is just upset because they can't participate in satellite camps.  
We all know that they will be doing the exact same thing next year since the ban was lifted!!
It's hilarious.


June 10th, 2015 at 1:13 PM ^

that every rant, rave, insult, etc post ends with some glib comparison how the person in question is as awful / idiotic as brandon.  it makes me smile