I was with you until the "...only three more Saturdays left." That is bad. Bad like Potassium Benzoate.
A Humorous Message
In any case, I thought some humor might help alleviate the dong punch that was Saturday's game. So I went and did a little research of my own, and found some interesting historical tidbits that might shed some light on why what happened actually happened. Are any of these true? Only time will tell, my friends. Are any actually humorous? Probably not.
Roy: I used to be happy
First up: Roy Roundtree. Turns out this is not the first time he's been caught from behind. Research reveals the following telling incidents from his past:
- Age 3. Roy spills milk on the kitchen table. Mama Roundtree chases as Roy heads for the front door and freedom. Mama catches him just as he was about to get out. Result: spanking. Also, the children lose all momentum in the constant struggle between parents and children.
- Age 10. During a spelling bee, Roy gets nervous as his word is "does not have elite speed" (ok, actually it is a phrase). He bolts for the exit, only to be caught by the lunch lady, who runs a 5.5 forty (FAKE!). He is forced to spell the phrase, which is unfortunately quite easy for him.
- Age 17. Girlfriend wants to "have some experiences together". Roy is nervous, as he has never done stuff like that before. Roy bolts for his car, but the girlfriend catches him just as he puts the keys in. Result: Roy loses virginity.
- Age 18: And then there was the polar bear incident...
Roy getting chased by a polar bear. It also ends poorly.
So, as you can see, getting caught from behind isn't always a bad thing. It's too bad Roy's girlfriend doesn't play for Michigan too. She has top-end speed. Same for the polar bear.
Also unearthed: a famous series of chess matches between Coach Rod and the Zooker. Little known fact: both are chess grandmasters. More known fact: neither seems much like a chess grandmaster. Here is a recap of their games:
- Game 1: Zook throws rook at Rich, catches him in the eye. Result: Rich forfeits (can't see the board).
- Game 2: Rich attempts to move pawn one square ahead for four straight moves. Unfortunately, Zook has entire defensive line there, including an extra pawn.
- Game 3: Rich moves queen into winning position. Unfortunately, Queen fumbles the ball. Zook's bishop scoops it up, only to be punched in the nuts by an angry pawn.
They even made a movie about them: Zooker (left) and RichRod
So in all cases, had we known of these chess games, we might have guessed that the Zooker had the strategic edge on Coach Rich. Who would have thunk it?
Finally, we have the dong punch. Brian already mined this for all it is worth, but who can leave a nut crack like that alone? As it turns out, the U of M players have been nut punching each other all year in what Barwis calls "our new way of saying 'well done, mate!'" For example:
- After the winning TD pass in the Notre Dame game, Shoelace went up to Tate and "congratulated" him right in the scrotum.
So that's it. With all the calls for Rich's head and the decay of Michigan football, let's keep in mind: "it's only football". Which means of course "it's only really important to a bunch of us who are not really affiliated with the team in any meaningful way, but it sure can ruin our saturday." So, a saturday was ruined. Now for the good news: only three more saturdays left.
Don't write it off just yet. We should be able to beat Purdue (although we saw how well "should" worked out last weekend), we beat Wisconsin in last year's flaming crater season, and Ohio State lost to Purdue, and almost lost to Navy. It might be a long shot, but I'm not ready to give up on those games yet.
Man this was good stuff...I actually laughed out loud at work when I read the lunch lady part. Good stuff and as always Go Blue!
The Lions ruined my Sunday too
I feel bad for you. I, as well as countless other Lions fans, have stopped letting the Lions ruin my Sundays many years ago. Whiskey helps too.
.....especially the "congratulated" part.
while drenched in snake oil. Thanks for this insightful and thoroughly researched piece.
Chess games 2 and 3 had me rofl. Well done, sir.
Hopefully there will be a different day of the week TBD. I am always depressed on Jan 1 when I don't have Michigan football. I can't wait for that to return. I think it will next season for sure.
Somewhere Joe Tiller is laughing...
a three legged woman is punching a dolphin, and feeling pretty damn good about it!
imdwalrus had it right. We did beat Wiscy in our worst season EVER. I don't kow how else to qualify a win except with just that. Purdue, well, at least it is a home game and I want to see some payback for that damn hook-&-ladder bullshit from last year. I remember that one play above all else, well except for the Toledo interception. And, OSU, well they did lose their kicker and the backup is horrible. Although, they didn't really need a kicker last year.....yeah.....but...it too is at home and I hate them. Everybody steals and I stole Terrel Pryor's ability to pass more than 5 yards downfield.
We finish 3-0!!(8-4)
But if not, whatever,
GO BLUE TO THE CORE!