This list is completely arbitrary and not a genuine analysis of the relative merits of state fossils.
Independence Denard: The Integration and Infiltration
Filed under:
PREVIOUSLY IN OUR STORY: Many ridiculous things happened! Desmond Howard's lower body was cloned by a nefarious organization bent on Michigan world domination. It was subsequently abducted by J Leman. Seven years later, Leman captured Tom Brady and brought him before Bob Zook and a duck, whereupon James Earl Jones and Lawrence Kasdan convinced Leman his actions were un-American, whereupon he freed Tom Brady, whereupon Tom Brady impressively KICKED the duck into a cloning machine, whereupon Bob Zook released Adrian Clayborn to devastatingly SACK Tom Brady into the same cloning machine, whereupon said cloning machine said a lot of ominous stuff and did this:
As the smoke clears, three separate pockets of life stir…
INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.
Urrrrr.
What the…?
Quack.
Oh my God! Poor thing. I have to get you out of here.
Qua—. On second and long Michigan will run a draw or throw a screen. Third and long pass. Punt. Waggle comes after approximately 3.5 successful runs on drive; give or take x, where x is a complicated polynomial expression elided. Quack. Jim Herrmann's favorite defense in a late-game situation is called "Charmin." Yost. Quack. Quack.
We have to go!
INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.
Urrrr.
What the…?
HELLO ITS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU IM FEELING VERY MOBILE AT THE MOMENT YES YES LETS DO SOMETHING DO YOU LIKE CHESS I CAN PLAY CHESS IN TWO SECONDS FLAT
![adrian-clayborn_thumb[8]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/9dfb6288f6ef_A395/adrianclayborn6.jpg "adrian-clayborn_thumb[8]")
There they are!
No!
[Impressive KICK!]
![adrian-clayborn_thumb[8][4]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/9dfb6288f6ef_A395/adrianclayborn6_3.jpg "adrian-clayborn_thumb[8][4]")
Noooooooo!
CHECKMATE.
How did you do that?
LETS GO SOMEWHERE FAST
INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.
Urrrr.
What the…?
Quack.
What happened?
AFLAC!
Quack.
I see.
AFLAC!
Have I told you about my brother Ron? Greatest football coach in the universe, really.
AFLAC!
EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.
Quack. 107,501. Quack. Most all time victories. Quack. The rush linebacker position is basically a defensive end.
Boy, you know a lot about Michigan.
Quack. Require sustenance.
All I've got is this orange juice. Very American drink, orange juice.
Juice. Desire Juice. Juice. Juice.
Here. Now what are we going to call you?
EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.
So… now what?
NOW EVERYTHING WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [Starts running to and fro, disappears too quickly to believe. A trail of smoke stretches to the horizon.]
Great.
[An ENORMOUS BUS FULL OF SCANTILY CLAD MODELS pulls up.]
Need a ride?
EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.
I guess I need a new nefarious plot. I always think better with a little help.
[expands Bob Zook's mind, reminds everyone not to try this at home unless you want to think that facial hair is a good idea.]
Quack.
Okay, here.
[when inhaled by half-human, half-duck hybrid becomes a permanent feature of the creature's personality]
Quaaaaack. Munch. Munch.
HA HA DUCK MUNCHIES THAT IS SO FUNNY
Yoink!
Aww, now what am I going to watch eat?
INT. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS MEETING ROOM. FEBRUARY 2002.
Quack.
Goddammit, where's Brady? Get him in here again.
Quack.
He says the Rams' two-minute defense has obvious weaknesses against four verticals.
You got all that from "quack"?
Definitely. I'm telling you, he gives us a decided schematic advantage.
To me he just seems like a hideously malformed being with an enormous waist that says "quack" all the time.
He's a super genius. Srsly.
Well, all right. Maybe that tip will come in handy tomorrow. I've got to go meet with the defense.
Quack.
Have I ever told you you're head coach material?
Brady. Come in, Brady.
Brady here.
Report on The Project.
After I win the Super Bowl tomorrow I calculate a 97% chance the abomination ascends to the head coaching job at Notre Dame.
EXT. DEERFIELD BEACH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD, 2007
ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Oh my God. This kid is going to run for a billion yards.
ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP
Oh my God. This kid is going to throw for a billion yards.
I JUST PLAYED SIXTEEN GAMES OF CHESS AND SMILED WITH THE WATTAGE OF A THOUSAND SUNS
Oh my Go—hackachakahcakakach. [/expires]
![darth-vader-face_thumb[9]](file:///C:/Users/Brian/AppData/Local/Temp/WindowsLiveWriter1286139640/supfiles7B75C/darth-vader-face[1].jpg "darth-vader-face_thumb[9]")
No one must know about our secret installation. Now I just have to figure out how to get this kid to complete 45% of his passes and run for under 600 yards.
Let me take care of that.
Quack.
EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS. 2008
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. He's coming. He's like a 500-foot-tall robot or something.
Quack. Also, given the Coriolis effect at these exact GPS coordinates I calculate that if I touch you exactly two point three centimeters above your right clavicle…
INT. NEWSTERBAAN FIELD HOUSE. AUGUST 2009.
As you can see, the long-awaited results of our cloning projected have paid off even better than we expected. This year you go to a bowl or we block out the sun above Ann Arbor.
You don't think that's a little drastic?
No. This is Michigan.
QUAAAAAAACK
Goddammit, get Brady in here again. This is going to take more time than I thought.
EXT. MEMORIAL STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS. 2009
No! Not again!
All too easy.
EXT. EVERY OTHER ILLINOIS GAME, 2006-2009
DO SOMETHING!
Quack.
DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT!
EXT. DIRT PRACTICE FIELD. SUMMER 2010.
EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS UCONN, 2010.
ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Not in the face!
ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP
Not in the face!
VRRRREEEEEEESHOWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Not there either.
TO BE CONTINUED… BY EVENTS IN THE REAL WORLD! THIS TOTALLY HAPPENED!
September 8th, 2010 at 12:10 PM | 
I did not follow that at all.
I did not follow that at all.
September 8th, 2010 at 12:11 PM |
I hope this didn't take too
I hope this didn't take too
I hope this didn't take too much time away from UFR.
September 8th, 2010 at 3:27 PM |
+10,000
+10,000
+10,000
September 8th, 2010 at 12:13 PM |
Clearly we've moved . . .
Clearly we've moved . . .
. . . from cocaine to LSD.
September 8th, 2010 at 12:41 PM |
timothy leary approves
timothy leary approves
"Play hard and with great effort"
September 8th, 2010 at 12:51 PM |
Yeah, I think Brian's been spending too much time with this guy
Yeah, I think Brian's been spending too much time with this guy
"I love him, he's a great coach, he's a great mentor, he's a great friend. He's every single thing you want a college coach to be, and he does it flawlessly." -David Molk
September 8th, 2010 at 12:14 PM |
Where's the UFR's??
Where's the UFR's??
These are nice and all, but I'm much more interested in seeing the UFR's.
September 8th, 2010 at 12:17 PM |
Agreed.
Agreed.
Agreed.
GO BLUE
September 8th, 2010 at 12:15 PM |
Thanks, I could use some
Thanks, I could use some
Thanks, I could use some light-heartedness.
Any chance we have any Woodson/Graham hybids in the works?
September 8th, 2010 at 12:21 PM |
"He's In Love With Denard Now!....MCGRUBER!!!!!"
"He's In Love With Denard Now!....MCGRUBER!!!!!"
...making quarterbacks out of genetic material...MCGRUBER!...
...Can't believe its Brady with feet like a du-uck!...MCGRUBER!...
...He got an F on Galton Theory....MCGRUBER!!!....
"He's In Love With Denard Now!....MCGRUBER!!!!!"
!!*KABOOOOM*!!!
September 8th, 2010 at 12:25 PM |
be patient
be patient
The UFRs will come, all in due time. The people need hope and laughs these days, and this was awesome....poor mike williams...
"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions." Chesterton
September 8th, 2010 at 12:31 PM |
I love it
I love it
Good stuff and I'm glad that we can finally start laughing again. Also, since I am an AFLAC Agent It's nice to see a little marketing on display at my favorite website. Keep up the good work Brian. Looking forward to the UFR!!
September 8th, 2010 at 12:35 PM |
Apparently I'm missing the
Apparently I'm missing the
Apparently I'm missing the peculiar combination of genes and ADHD that allows one to read all the way through these.
September 8th, 2010 at 12:35 PM |
Is it just cuz I'm a hobo, or
Is it just cuz I'm a hobo, or
Is it just cuz I'm a hobo, or did all of that make very little sense?
Got a quarter?
September 8th, 2010 at 12:38 PM |
Wait, I'm confused. So the
Wait, I'm confused. So the
Wait, I'm confused. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?
September 8th, 2010 at 1:42 PM |
Well y'see when I get
Well y'see when I get
Well y'see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span
September 8th, 2010 at 12:40 PM |
Ouch
Ouch
My brain!
I got it all... I think.
Edit: A breakdown for everyone, and to see if it all makes the sense I think it does.
Denard Robinson is Tom Brady's torso on Desmon Howard's Legs.
Juice Williams is an evil duck on Desmond Howard's Legs.
Charlie Weis is fat Tom Brady's torso on an evil duck's legs.
"This is the EMU game, not the emo game."
September 8th, 2010 at 1:09 PM |
I'm pretty sure you're right,
I'm pretty sure you're right,
I'm pretty sure you're right, but I don't understand how:
1. The ducks have hands.
2. Denard has dreads. Brady has some dreamy hair.
September 8th, 2010 at 12:41 PM |
While we're on the crazy randomness...
While we're on the crazy randomness...
I wasn't about to start an OT thread just for this, but enjoy, Mgoreaders who click through to the comments!
September 8th, 2010 at 8:12 PM |
How is it that no one's commented on THIS yet?
How is it that no one's commented on THIS yet?
Between this and the various cloned-duck permutations, I have laughed way more than I should tonight, considering my throat is a bit sandpapery at the moment. Thanks to both you and Brian for making my day of illness suck a bit less.
September 8th, 2010 at 12:42 PM |
The introduction of Charlie Weis
The introduction of Charlie Weis
Made me spit up my soup. True story.
(Miss you, big guy! xoxo)
Denard's 2010 was spent redefining what one man can do.
September 8th, 2010 at 12:47 PM |
This was the season 5 plot
This was the season 5 plot
of "Heroes" which is why it was cancelled.
life is like a box of chocolates... and you got the Whizzo Quality Assortment
September 8th, 2010 at 12:47 PM |
this is front page material?
this is front page material?
this is front page material? really? during the season...really? put this in a diary or something... anyone else agree?
Life's a game of Inches
September 8th, 2010 at 12:48 PM |
No.
No.
Shut up. Sometimes you need a little crazy in your day.
"This is the EMU game, not the emo game."
September 8th, 2010 at 1:18 PM |
Yep, I agree
Yep, I agree
Not a big fan of these things (especially when they are done frequently). But everyone tis' their own... or something like that.
Chancho! When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. It's for fun.
September 8th, 2010 at 1:20 PM |
You seem to be forgetting one VERY important fact....
You seem to be forgetting one VERY important fact....
this is Brian's blog. He can do whatever the F he wants.
September 8th, 2010 at 3:24 PM |
+1 to you
+1 to you
I was going to say _literally_ the exact same thing, and lo and behold, there it was.
September 9th, 2010 at 11:34 AM |
(Michigan) Man does not live by vegetables alone.
(Michigan) Man does not live by vegetables alone.
You need to throw in a little dessert every once in awhile (albeit Pixie-Stix in this case).
M'Dog
September 8th, 2010 at 12:55 PM |
I'm surprised after this
I'm surprised after this
ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP
Not in the face!
VRRRREEEEEEESHOWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Not there either.
I'm the first to say...
That's what she said.
Skeet Skeet Skeet, indeed.
"I love him, he's a great coach, he's a great mentor, he's a great friend. He's every single thing you want a college coach to be, and he does it flawlessly." -David Molk
September 8th, 2010 at 1:02 PM |
UFRs look different this
UFRs look different this
UFRs look different this year.
September 8th, 2010 at 1:00 PM |
boom
boom
"15 seconds MacUFRer!"
"Ok ok, just let me do one more scene change here..."
"5 seconds MacUFRer!"
"wait, what if we then take the legs from Brady and fuse them with..."
September 8th, 2010 at 1:00 PM |
Strangest
Strangest
Strangest UFR ever!!
LOL, I like the jester side of you Brian.
Here's hoping we keep you in positive spirits all fall!!!
Help My Friend Allison Fight ALS
MSU/IU at the JCB
September 8th, 2010 at 1:08 PM |
My brain hurts and it feels
My brain hurts and it feels
My brain hurts and it feels so good
Not so fast my friend!
...Ok, so maybe that fast.
September 8th, 2010 at 1:11 PM |
100% Pure Columbian... wait,
100% Pure Columbian... wait,
100% Pure Columbian... wait, THAT explains it.
September 8th, 2010 at 1:19 PM |
This really is painfully bad.
This really is painfully bad.
This really is painfully bad.
September 8th, 2010 at 4:19 PM |
(No subject)
(No subject)
"Over? Did you say, over? Nothing is over until we decide it is!"
September 8th, 2010 at 1:30 PM |
Brian is OBVIOUSLY HIGH.....
Brian is OBVIOUSLY HIGH.....
......but that'sbecause he just FINISHED THE OFFENSIVE UFR!!!!!
Wait for it people......and you will soon understand what OFF THE CHARTS NUMBERS will do to someone who was teetering on the ledge on Friday.
We're so baaaaaaack!
September 8th, 2010 at 1:35 PM |
I for one found this to be
I for one found this to be
hilarious. My favorite part:
"I JUST PLAYED SIXTEEN GAMES OF CHESS AND SMILED WITH THE WATTAGE OF A THOUSAND SUNS"
Sportscenter.com raves: Sgt. Wolverine, "Michigan's biggest fan"!
September 8th, 2010 at 1:40 PM |
Denard is Keyser Soze?
Denard is Keyser Soze?
Denard is Keyser Soze?
"Come on, you Wolverines!"
September 8th, 2010 at 1:49 PM |
I don't think I am smart
I don't think I am smart
I don't think I am smart enough (nerdy enough?) for these. My head hurts.
Well...done?
Robinson also packed snow into a plastic bag for his return flight.
"Melted on the plane," he said.
September 8th, 2010 at 1:56 PM |
Lawrence Kasdan?
Lawrence Kasdan?
Not to get all geeky...but I'm confused why you have a picture of Ghost Anakin and call him Lawrence Kasdan?
Ghost Anakin was played by Sebastian Shaw (before being removed in the DVD re-release and replaced by Hayden Christensen by ever fiddling George Lucas). http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0789970/
Lawrence Kasdan is the screenplay writer for Empire and Jedi and maybe some others. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001410/
If the mis-match is intentional then it flew over my head.
cheers
September 8th, 2010 at 2:19 PM |
It looks to me like Kasdan is
It looks to me like Kasdan is
It looks to me like Kasdan is matched to his own photo, not Shaw's. Plus his inclusion in the conspiracy for Michigan's world domination makes sense, since, like JEJ, Kasdan (1) attended Michigan and (2) made significant contributions to the good Star Wars movies.
September 8th, 2010 at 2:39 PM |
ahhh....now I see
ahhh....now I see
double post - got a gateway error first time so didn't think it went through
September 8th, 2010 at 2:37 PM |
ahhh....now I see
ahhh....now I see
Thanks for pointing it out and +1 for you. I didn't realize the M connection for Kasdan but that explains why he refers to James Earl Jones rather than Vader. I was obviously wrongly thinking that the ghost picture was Kasdan in the reference as oppossed to still being James Earl Jones.
I'm always learning something new from Brian's multi-level references and amazing grasp of pop-culture and Michigan.
September 8th, 2010 at 2:03 PM |
Cliff Notes
Cliff Notes
For those of you who had trouble understanding this series:
Quick notes:
- It's humor
- In 2008, Brian did one of these that was the spoonful of sugar to make that awful season go down.
- J Leman was an Illinois linebacker who could tackle, making him a hero to UI, whose class photo with a huge mullet and U.S.A. tie endeared him for life to bloggers world- (i.e. Big Ten)-wide.
- Mr. Burns and Darth Vader are clandestine evil chairmen.
- Sometimes just writing words in English doesn't quite convey the feeling of something. This is when art kicks in. You are meant to wonder at the potential awesomeness of a Tom Brady with Desmond Howard legs, and then wonder at the fact that this perfectly describe's Denard's start vs. UConn.
On with the show:
Part I: The Dark Before the Dawn
- A band of secret, powerful men meet in 1992 to discuss a nefarious plot to make Michigan good for all-time by cloning Desmond Howard.
- This plan has a setback: they can only clone Desmond's legs. The scientist is ordered to dispose of the legs.
- This secret group is also planning to position Bob Davie as Notre Dame's head coach, since part of their plot is to destroy ND football.
- Before the legs can be destroyed, J Leman busts in and steals them.
- We follow Leman back to Illinois, which is run by a talking duck, and where Ron Zook's evil twin is involved in a sub-plot to destroy Michigan because they think we are their rivals (running joke: they believe they are our rivals).
- The "evil twin" trope is from an Original Start Trek episode where Spock's evil twin was distinguished by having a mustache and goatee.
- Illinois has kidnapped Tom Brady, who can't figure out, having been told only that his tormentors are Michigan's arch-rivals, exactly who has kidnapped him (Ohio State? Notre Dame? MSU? Minnesota?)
- J Leman is visited by Jedi apparations who convince him what he is doing is un-American. Leman turns on Illinois
- In the ensuing violence, Tom Brady, the legs of Desmond Howard, and the duck are thrown into a cloning machine, which explodes....end of Part I
Part II: The Integration and Infiltration\
- J Leman awakes. He sees a duck atop the legs of Desmon Howard. The duck/Desmond knows everything about Michigan and how to torment Michigan, but is otherwise useless.
- Tom Brady awakes. He finds an incredibly bright, incredibly fast half-Brady/half-Desmond Howard. This being shows it is capable, unlike Brady, of defeating really good defensive ends like Adrian Clayborn.
- Bob Zook wakes and finds a half-Brady/Half-Duck that can only quack. Also, the Illinois duck can now only say "AFLAC." Since the duck can no longer make decisions, Zook uses this to get his brother Ron installed as the next Illini head coach.
- Outside, Leman discovers the Duck/Desmond thing knows a ton about beating Michigan but nothing else. He names it "Juice Williams."
- Brady and the Brady/Desmond thing emerge from underground and are rescued by hot models and Gisele Bundchen.
- Bob Zook gets the Bradyduck stoned, and ever-after the quacking Brady/Duck needs to eat incessently. Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen arrive and steal the Brady/Duck away.
- 3 years later, Tom Brady has made the Duck/Brady with munchies abomination into Charlie Weiss, and convinced Bill Bellicheck that Weiss is a great offensive coordinator -- this is all a plot to install Weiss as Notre Dame's head coach.
- 4 years later, the Brady/Desmond super-smart super-happy super-awesome abomination is Denard Robinson and playing for a Florida high school. In order to hide its abilities until they are needed, Weiss is used to ruin Denard's stats.
- Meanwhile, but 2008 the Duck/Desmond abomination, Juice Williams, is using its incomparable knowledge of Michigan football to make Mike Williams totally incapacitated and destroy Michigan.
- By pre-season 2009 Denard is on campus at Michigan and expectations for RR are high, but they discover that Denard (either through having some genetic duck in him, or because he was subjected to Weiss) is a year away from being useful.
- In 2009, Juice Williams destroys Mike Williams and the Michigan defense again, but in every other game he is exactly as competent as you would expect a duck with Desmond Howard's legs would be.
- Denard Robinson gets a "montage" so as to get good at football. As soon as he has done this, he is awesome and demolishes Connecticut. Rich Rodriguez smiles: Notre Dame's program has been demolished, J Leman has been turned to good, and we have Tom Brady with the legs of Desmond Howard at quarterback.
- This is good.
(Blogger alias: "Misopogon") This team is under construction. We thank you for your patience.
September 9th, 2010 at 10:01 AM |
If a joke has to be explained....
If a joke has to be explained....
And with over two dozen bullet points...
"I love him, he's a great coach, he's a great mentor, he's a great friend. He's every single thing you want a college coach to be, and he does it flawlessly." -David Molk
September 9th, 2010 at 11:29 AM |
Yes true,
Yes true,
but it really did have to be explained.
It's like reading the comics in the New Yorker. There's always one or two really obscure ones that you don 't get.
M'Dog
September 8th, 2010 at 2:07 PM |
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
What the…?
My sentiments exactly.
September 8th, 2010 at 2:14 PM |
i think the brain cook missed
i think the brain cook missed
the humor class at engineer skewl.
but, oh well. he's just so dern cute
Time wounds all heels. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwGXMryTbwE
September 8th, 2010 at 2:15 PM |
This was so good that I am
This was so good that I am
This was so good that I am upset with the fact that there are no plans for a trilogy.
Champions of the west, GO BLUE!
I did not follow that at all. I'm so confused!
GO BLUE