MGoTheater 3000 Note: Michigan vs. Kansas, 2013 Sweet Sixteen, tonight, 8 pm ET, here on the front page and at twitch.tv/mgoace.

Today's basketball mailbag, as the title indicates, contains some indispensable information. I got enough questions to break this into two parts, so if you don't see yours here, there's a good chance it's running later this week.

Which team wins:
Five Nik Stauskas's vs Five Mo Wagners

— Koernelius (@DJKoerndawg) March 24, 2020

I hoped by sleeping on this question it'd be easier to answer. I was very wrong!

I assume we're going with the best version of each player while they were at Michigan. Wagner obviously has the edge in size while Stauskas gains an advantage in athleticism. Both can really shoot; Stauskas is the better outside marksman while Wagner has an array of post moves. The team of Stauskases (Stauskae?) will move the ball better and base an offense around isolations and a lethal pick-and-pop. The Wagners offense won't be as pretty, though it'll still feature some pick-and-pop.

It comes down to this: will the greater offensive skill and ball movement of the Stauskae overcome a rebounding advantage for the Wagners? In the end, I think the Niks are a half-step too quick.

Five Duncan Robinsons?

— Jonathan Moore (@jadamsmoore) March 24, 2020

Today's Duncan Robinson would make this really difficult—or perhaps not, he may just take it—as he's developed into one of the NBA's most dangerous shooters in Miami. While he was undoubtedly a great shooter at Michigan, he didn't possess the ability to hit shots on the move that he does now—he was a pure spot-up guy.

Since I'm, uh, sensing a theme, let's lean all the way into it. Top Ten White Guy Fives rankings since the start of the Beilein era:

1. Nik Stauskas
2. Mitch McGary
3. Moe Wagner
4. Iggy Brazdeikis
5. Zack Novak
6. Franz Wagner
7. Duncan Robinson
8. Stu Douglass
9. Jon Teske
10. Spike Albrecht

Being particularly large or small is a disadvantage here, with apologies to Teske and Spike. Mitch McGary may not have the outside shot of his counterparts, but his combination of offensive skill, defensive disruptiveness, and ability to bring a high level of energy put him above Wagner for me. If he played a little more in control, I'd have him above Stauskas, but the latter made too few mistakes.

Franz Wagner has the potential to move up very high on this list, which is an essential one indeed.

[Hit THE JUMP for more silliness, then some actual basketball analysis, then maybe a little more silliness.]

What about one 8 ft tall Staukas vs. 20 2 ft tall Wagners?

— Jeff Haley (@jeffchaley) March 24, 2020

While I suspect the army of mini-Moes would come up with some hilariously obnoxious ways to play defense, the complete inability for any one of them to handle a basketball is going to be a major issue. Super-Stauskas in a blowout.

#mgomailbag which great M hoops victory cigar was your favorite? If we could have 1 eternal walk on, who would it be?

— Ben (@JeepinBen) March 24, 2020

Andrew Dakich would be in serious contention but he ended his playing career as a Buckeye and now sits on their bench. He made his choice.

I was all set to go with Corey Person, who was a master of the pregame handshake and the best pregame huddle dancer in recent memory:

There's also something delightful about putting in a walk-on with "PERSON" on his nameplate when you're in beat 'em down mode.

But then I remembered there is only one choice. An affable giant off the court, Amadou Ba is most famous for shoving a drunk member of the Izzone before the 2006 game at the Breslin Center because the guy decided to walk up to Michigan's bench, talk shit, and even get so close that they could smell the alcohol on his breath:

"I think (the fan) was coming to jaw with me because he was walking down looking right at me," Petway said. "I just tried looking away because I didn't want it to go out of hand like that.

"Amadou said he was jawing before that. Then I came out, and I guess he wanted to come out on the court and get a closer look at me."

Horton was also a target of the fan.

"The guy came up to me and said something to me, and I could smell alcohol on his breath," Horton said.

Denbow would not confirm whether alcohol was a factor, but he did say it looked like it was involved. He said medical personnel reported that it appeared the student in question had consumed alcohol.

ESPN had video of the incident and reported the fan tested positive for alcohol following a Breathalyzer test.

The idiot in question, Bobby Brock, was described by fellow students as "a leader of the Izzone." Ba ended up with a token 1.5-game suspension (he could enter game two after halftime); Brock was banned from the Izzone for the same length of time, and threats of a lawsuit or criminal charges by Brock were eventually dropped because of course they were.

Ba protected his squad and seemed acutely aware that he needed to take care of the matter before it involved a rotation player like Horton or Petway right before a rivalry game. Yes, he came to Michigan as a scholarship player, but he'd be a walk-on on today's squad, and I'd take him in a heartbeat.

Maddie Nolan caught fire in the season's final five games [JD Scott]

which player on the women’s team do you see improving the most next season? (not the most creative question but i’m curious)

— char (@accxrdingtochar) March 24, 2020

If you're unfamiliar with Maddie Nolan's path to Michigan, which involved overcoming a devastating knee injury that cost the Indiana high school superstar almost all of her senior season, this Gregg Doyle feature is well worth your time. Not only will you come away with a great appreciation for Nolan, who fought back in six months to play at well less than full strength for the final few games of her senior season, you'll understand why it took her a while to find her footing as a freshman.

She was still very much recovering when she got to Michigan and there were questions about whether she'd ever regain her previous form:

So when Maddie arrived in Ann Arbor weeks later, there were concerns as to whether she would ever be able to contribute at the college level. She couldn’t practice fully from the start. She didn’t do all of the workouts and running, and sometimes she didn’t practice at all if her knee was hurting too much.

To alleviate the pain and stabilize her knee when she played, the training staff gave Maddie a bulky knee brace, which added about an inch on the side of her leg. She had to learn how to run with the brace on and how to dribble without dribbling off the brace.

Nolan began the season as a backup on the fringe of the rotation. When Kayla Robbins tore her ACL and Danielle Rauch went down not long thereafter, Nolan had to step into the starting lineup on February 6th. In the beginning of her stint as a starter, she didn't look for her own offense, and she was essentially the same player she'd been at the beginning of the season, just with more minutes.

Over the season's final five games, however, Nolan became a true scoring threat and the secondary ballhandler the team badly needed. After not scoring in double figures all year, she had point totals of 10, 13, 9, 13, and 6 in those five games, finding her stroke from beyond the arc. After a one-assist, six-turnover game at Penn State in the first of those five contests, she dished out 11 assists to only three turnovers, taking some pressure off point guard Amy Dilk.

Nolan was a special player in high school, averaging 21.5 points, 5.8 rebounds, 3.7 assists, and 3.4 steals in 26.5 minutes per game while shooting 57% on twos, 42% on threes, and 80% from the line as a junior, per MaxPreps. That player began to appear again at the end of the season.

With another offseason to strengthen her knee—and also spend more time working on basketball than rehab for the first time in a couple years—she should give the team another playmaking and scoring threat in addition to playing with the scrappiness she showed for the duration of her freshman year.

Is Naz a legitimate national player of the year candidate next season?

— Hoover Street Rag (@hooverstreet) March 23, 2020

Naz Hillmon will be a Big Ten Player of the Year candidate, of that I have little doubt, and she should push for All-American honors after getting first-team all-conference as a sophomore. She may be more of a dark horse national player of the year candidate than a true contender next year, however.

When you look at this year's All-Americans, a leading contender leaps out: Kentucky forward Rhyne Howard, who is a finalist for the Naismith Award as a sophomore alongside three seniors. The entire second team is comprised of underclassmen, and while a couple have declared for the WNBA draft, at the very least South Carolina post Aaliyah Boston will be back after a stellar freshman year. 2020's #1 overall recruit, Paige Bueckers, is a phenom even by top national recruit standards, and she'll get plenty of attention at UConn.

Hillmon's road to NPOY honors is already difficult since Michigan isn't a powerhouse program and there are a lot of big names coming back. My guess is her best shot would be as a senior, particularly if the Wolverines can make a bigger dent in postseason play.

How many condiment songs has Brian on-the-spot composed during social distancing?

— Eli Uttal-Veroff (@NaptownJazz12) March 24, 2020

You can find a full playlist of them on YouTube. I'm getting a little worried.