OT: Advice for young couples (actually, mostly for guy fans)

We're in the middle of a similar situation in our family right now, although it has nothing do to with sports. It's enormously painful for any parent to observe marital issues involving their children, whatever the cause.

I know you're not looking for advice, but if it were my daughter, I'd strongly recommend she file for divorce if your SIL doesn't agree to extensive marriage and/or personal counseling.

I don't say this lightly—my wife and I have been married for over 36 years, and were engaged for three years before that. I can't imagine not being with her. However, not every marriage can or should be saved.

Your daughter is serving our country on a freaking destroyer, and her daily life is characterized by duty, initiative, energy, respect for others, and an embrace of responsibility as a fact of life. By comparison, your SIL sounds like an adolescent time-waster in every respect. I cannot imagine her coming home during leave to somebody who's been sitting on his ass watching sports every free moment and not feeling volcanic anger and disgust.

Good luck.

Did they date? How was his "addiction" kept secret?

The answer is:  Compartmentalization.

Your siginificant other needs to know there is a predictable time and place for your obsession.

I am a college football slut for example, but my wife is OK with this because she knows when to expect it (and conversely when to not expect it).  She knows when I will be pre-occupied with it, but she also knows when it won't be in the way.

So you have to carve out your niche ahead of time and be predictable.  Don't ad-hoc it all over the place.

Now if you say "I want to watch all the sports all the time" (I know a guy just like this), then you really are not ready to be married, and especially to have kids.  You can't be a spouse and a parent and expect to keep living like you are 22.  That's unreasonable and immature.

There is a reasonableness to expect.  You say "I don't think it is fair to ask him to change", but it is perfectly fair if it is excessive.  It's no different than if she expects to go shopping in expensive places every evening and weekend.  

You have to pick your targets and be reasonable and consistent.

 

I love watching Michigan football and my wife does not. As long as my actions and words remind her that she is absolutely more important than football, all is well.

Football is a fantastic sport. It's an adrenaline-fueled, team-based chess match played in front of 100,000+ roaring fans, but it's probably not healthy if it is more important than your family.

What's your view on marriage in general?

Thanks for asking, bolded alter-ego... Here's my increasingly-unpopular opinion: Marriage is excellent, and hard work, and a lifelong commitment to your spouse, emotionally, mentlally, and physically. Divorce is not a word in my vocabulary. A spouse comes before your kids, friends, football, etc.

Commit to your spouse with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind.

Before I got married, my life involved work, gym and going home drinking some beer and watching and betting on every sport there was. Football, Basketball, Hockey, Baseball, Soccer, UFC etc.  I was completely obsessed. My wife and I were long distance before we got married. So, she was aware but not fully aware of my obsession.  Our first year living together was rough.  It was a constant struggle. Eventually, I realized I had to give some things up or we weren't going to make it.  As long as they're both reasonable, they should be able to find some type of compromise.  My wife knows there's no way I'm not watching a Michigan football game.  She knows I'm probably going to watch every Michigan basketball game, but... she knows if there's something important going or something she really wants to do, I will give in and just keep up with the score on my phone. She knows I'm going to watch all the big fights.  She also watches every football game with me, pretends to be interested, cheers with me, wears the jersey I bought her, cusses at the refs and calms me down when I'm about to lose my shit.  I think she was almost as depressed as I was after the State game.  In return, I pretty much gave up all the other sports.  Sure, I watch big games here and there, but I learned to let go.  I couldn't even tell you who won the premier league the last two years, and I use to be obsessed.  I've watched one NBA game this year.  I've maybe watched 2 hockey games.  Do I miss it? Absolutely.  But I would miss my wife more.  

I understand what they're going through.  I've been through it.  I survived.  Now my weeknights are spent  on the couch watching dumb shows and my saturdays I get to be a maniac and bleed blue. Tell her to hang in there.  If he's decent and realizes the threat of her leaving is real, he'll learn to put her first.

Wish them the best!

PS. My wife hates HATES this blog

I'm a Michigan fan and those are the only games I EXPECT to be able to watch.  Anything else I watch is a bonus.  She doesn't fight much on Sundays, as I usually put Redzone on and she peruses Facebook or something.  Otherwise, we will be out and I don't make a big deal, and hope I can check it out at a bar or something.

If we have plans during Michigan games, she is usually understanding as I watch it on my phone.

 

I used to watch a lot more, but I don't subject her to it, because she's indifferent.  I would prefer for her to stay indifferent as opposed to hating it.

Good advice.

I'm probably one of the rare people that changed without marriage or kids triggering it.  In my late teens and early 20s I could spend all day Saturday watching college football, all Sunday watching NFL football or NASCAR, basically any sporting event that was on. Then I moved somewhere warm, found I enjoyed spending my Sundays outside instead of in front of a television watching other people do things and it's been a steady progression from there. Now it's Michigan games, The Walking Dead and nothing else. I just don't watch TV.

A good friend once described me as such, "You'd rather be in the game of life than watching it from the 50 yard line." I had never thought of it that way until she said it, but it made me really question the value of sitting in front of a screen watching other people do things, as opposed to going out and living life myself.

Hope your daughter and son-in-law are able to make things work.

Pay attention to your woman fergodsakes!

Michigan football is the only thing I tell my wife that I have to see live. Well that and Tiger's playoff games. Everything else can be DVRed and watched when she goes to bed. Saves time that way too. Helps that the wife at least likes SOME sports as she watches the Patriots and attended one season of Michigan games with me when we lived in AA.

Or even better yet, find a chick who also loves sports!  My wife plays fantasy football with me, knows all the players - I had Austin and Martin playing last night.  We sat together and watched the entire game.  She loves U of M and playing fantasy and it's awesome.

That said, it sounds like your son in law is bit extreme.  I love me some sports and will watch as much as I can, but it sounds like he's putting sports infront of your daughter.  As with everything in life, there needs to be a balance.  If he can't find that balance with your daughter and her "demands" are reasonable... that's on him.  If my wife was obsessed with reality TV and watched it constantly instead of hanging out with me?  That'd be a major problem.  So while your advice is good, your SIL needs a reality check.

But I am mid to late 30s, got married when I was 19 to my beautiful 17 year old bestest friend on the planet.  Still VERY happily married 18 years later and our relationship is only getting better.  Why is our marriage so awesomely excellent? 

We were best friends and knew EVERYTHING about each other even before we started doing the "friends with benefits" that turned into "I do."  We spent almost every day together.  She knew I spent all Saturday watching football and getting hammered from 9 am to midnight.  She knew I napped on the couch while the Lions lose on Sundays.  She knew I go absolutely ape-shit when its Stanley Cup season and the Wings are on.

My advice is this . . . don't get married unless your girlfriend is not only your girlfriend, but your absolute best friend.  And I know most people will say "yea, my wife is my best friend" and then sit and bitch about their wife TO THEIR REAL BEST FRIEND.  "I can't live without her" isn't your best friend.  Either is "I want to spend most all my time with her."  It's the person who you can talk to about anything openly and honestly, and who doesn't want to change who you are and what you do.

Your daughter married the wrong person, and it is pretty clear to me that early on, she was aware of his behavior.  She (like many future divorcees) probably figured "when we get married, this'll change."  Which it never does. 

PS.  to the one comment on how to get your wife to do anal . . . good luck.  Thankfully, my wife is pretty much "anything goes cuz it all feels good and is fun" even with other women.  But I have heard it is one hell of a task.

My marriage is already over after only a year and a half. What led to the actual divorce was completely her fault, but if you asked my ex-wife what led her astray in the first place, I would not be surprised if she mentioned my love of sports. She never, ever understood why I would get so depressed after Michigan games -- and to be fair to myself I hid so much of it -- In the time before I knew her it was way worse. The worst thing you can say to a sports fan too is anything along the lines of "Why do you care so much? This doesn't matter at all"...and I heard that regularly. I am very good at separating my daily life's feeling and emotion from that of my sports life and made a concerted effort to do so; but she was a very selfish person and this was never enough for her.

My recommendation Mr. Kass, if you feel comfortable enough with your daughter to actually do this, is to sit down with her and make sure she realizes that his behavior probably won't change a ton; and if that's something that she can't handle maybe she should bail while she's still young.

EDIT: I obviously made many compromises -- I don't think I was anywhere near the level of your son-in-law, for the record.

My father in law has had season tickets for 20+ years. My wife and her sister were around Michigan football their entire lives.

That said...

She couldn't care less about it. But she knows for three months a year my Saturdays are all booked up.

But... Thats it. I give in most of the year on everything else so we maintain a balance. One heavily in her favor might I add.

It's all about give and take folks!

My heart goes out to you and your daugher. I've been through this. That relationship will unfortunately not last. She deserves better than that.

Your guys wives suck.

 

That is all.

 

/s

As always, there has to be a sacrifice on both sides.  My wife will take the kids out of the house if there is a big game to allow me to watch it in peace.  However, I am getting to the point where my boys want to watch the games with me.  I attribute that to good parenting.

However, there are certain games (not Michigan, those are off limits) that I have to miss due to family obligations.  I suck it up and just do it.

I believe that the son-in-law will mature and prioritize differently as he gets older.  I am assuming he is in his 20s.  He will always be a sports fan.

I have so many questions and critiques but they are irrelevant. The point is to make the marriage a happy, successful one. I don't know how close you are to your SIL, but maybe he'd listen to how you've adjusted your fandom for familial responsibilities. I think I recall reading that his family situation isn't great so he may not have a male to help him out. I'm just thinking outside the counseling box.

I think there's give and take here. On my first date with my soon to be fiancé she had memorized every NFL team for me even though she really cares nothing for football. Since then she's gone to a couple different sporting events with me, but she mostly likes to play sports not watch them. But she puts up with it because she knows I'm passionate about it. And I put up with her rom-coms and dancing. In fact, we can use each other's passions to give to and serve each other. She's bought a couple of Michigan shirts online just because she knows I'll like it. I'll bring over a redboxed chick flick because I know she'll like it. it's all about sacrifice. Things the other person doesn't like gives each of us an opportunity to sacrifice for each other.

First, I am not a marriage counselor , nor did I stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.  But perhaps my philosophy will register with a sports happy guy.

So here is the philosophy:

My wife and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary and have treated our marriage as though we were a team playing against our biggest rival, as life itself can sometimes seem like quite a foe.  Our season never ends and our opponents are ever changing. WE have taken our lumps to be sure.  Frankly, proabably more than most.  WE have also accomplished quite a lot.

Cheesy as it may sound both my wife and I think of ourselves as being in that locker room many years ago when Bo talked about the team.  I am a lifelong UM fan...my wife couldn't care less.  Our interests and hobbies vary wildly, but at the end of the day WE are a two-person team.

I would challenge anyone bored enough to read this post, to go and listen to "The Team" speech in the context of a marriage.  We might just save more than one!!

BTW...Could you imagine Bo as a marriage counselor??  Priceless

Good luck, Go Blue, Merry Christmas!

 

Married with three kids, a DVR is money to make sure everyone gets attention.  I record every game I'm interested in (as well as the Denver Broncos games -- my wife's team who I have no interest in other than my interest in her), which allows me to start watching a game around halftime or the third quarter, and finish "on time."  Cuts a 3.5-4 hour game to an hour and a half.  If its a blowout, even shorter.

Hard for me to watch a game live these days knowing that during all the commercials I could be picking up the house, playing with the kids, or doing something that benefits my marriage.

If the day is really full, I'll make sure I'm not wearing any M gear, text my family that I'm going radio silent (they know what that means), and watch it with a glass of Rowan's Creek at 10 pm at night.

Helps alot for my wife and girls know that they are No 1, with Blue being 1B!!!

Bo talked about how important it was to raise his players the right way, to be good fathers, husbands, and pillars in the community.  Keep priorities right.

If you overdo anything, it's an addiction.  She should talk to him about it and he should do something about it even if it means he needs to seek help. 

I'm really lucky, my wife is a huge Michigan fan and loves sports...mostly football, she also loves her NY Jets...that's why we have the NFL Sunday ticket

I am not overly obsessed with sports so my wife is fine with it, but I can see it causing issues. I do wonder, though, how much of a surprise this is to people of you've dated long enough. Maybe it's just timing, but it seems like someone should notice a 5 day a week sports binge. But yeah, this feels like something the couple should talk about now.

Have you considered paying for your daughter to do the U of M women's football clinic? Does that still go on since the Carr days? That might help them get towards middle ground.

I'm now 27, and I've grown a lot in balancing sports and life in the last 5 years. I'm married to someone who started as a really good friend of mine at U of M, but let's face it, she couldn't care less who wins or loses on Saturday. I would imagine, over time, your career and family fill the space that sports was once able to dominate. I vote your daughter make steps to try to meet him half way, give it a couple years, and see if his sports obsession naturally curbs a little bit over the next couple years.

I want to say at the outset that I am not making light of the situation with your daughter. I'm sorry they are struggling.

That said, your post is quite funny if you replace 'sports' with 'cocaine.'

"And his addiction to cocaine is breaking up their marriage. I actually don't blame him: I think my own daughter was clueless about what it meant to be married to an obsessive cocaine fan. Because snorting cocaine is so much part of his life, I don't think it is fair to ask him to change. But I also don't know that she is prepared to live life with someone whose every waking moment revolves around cocaine and cars."

"My advice? Just make sure, if you are heavily addicted to cocaine, that your potential mate really understands how far your addiction goes. And that your mate either shares your addiction, or is fine with doing most things separately. Because if your partner expects to be doing different things with you on the weekends, and you expect your weekend to go mostly to snoring cocaine, there is going to be a problem."

I would add that when you start dating someone seriously, or at least enough times that you're advancing to the next state, make sure to showcase all the possibly annoying stuff that you would like your life to include before you get married.

If you just focus on making it work, then lock someone in, and chage how you act or decide "now I need this" that's kind of bait and switch. It saves trouble to show people what you need in life beforehand. That kind of lets you know if the real you can live with them.