OT MGoQuestion: What's your go-to joke?
Here’s mine:
A Frenchman, an American, a nun, and a Swedish girl are all sitting in a train compartment. The train goes through a tunnel and everything goes pitch black. While in the tunnel, everyone hears a loud slapping noise. When they exit the tunnel, the Frenchman has a large red mark on his cheek.
The nun thinks to herself, “The Frenchman probably groped the Swedish girl, so the Swedish girl slapped him.”
The Swedish girl thinks to herself, “The Frenchman probably meant to grope me, but accidentally groped the nun, and the nun slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks to himself, “The American probably groped the Swedish girl, and the Swedish girl slapped me by accident.”
The American is hoping the train will go through another tunnel so he can slap the Frenchman again.
I'm not clicking on your link, but I assume it goes to the Duck Song. And for that I applaud you.
Benjamin Franklin died of syphilis.
Benjamin Franklin is on the $100 bill.
For a $100 you too can get syphilis.
So the the kid goes in the bushes to get the football. 5 minutes go by and then 10. The kid gets worried and goes in after him. He finds his friend spying on a girl skinny dipping. They stare for a while then one kid runs away.
So the other kid caught up with him and asked him why he ran. He said my mom told me I would turn to stone if I saw a naked woman. I felt something getting hard so I ran!
Damn.
This joke I learned from my brother-in-law.
A salesman walks up to a house, knocks on the door, and a boy answers. Opening the door, he has a robe on, is smoking a cigar, and has a Playboy in his hand. The salesman asks, "is your mom home?" and the boy responds, "What the fuck do you think?"
Tom, Dick, and Harry are walking through a town one day, and it's scorching hot. Like 100+ degrees, but they can't find any shade anywhere and they're parched. So eventually, they find their way into a Catholic parish and are about to quench their thirst with a drink from the holy water when the priest stops them and says "Ah ah ah, my sons. You must confess a sin before you can drink of the holy water."
So Tom, Dick, and Harry look at each other, then run out of the parish to commit a sin. After a while, they've all come back and are excited for a drink from the holy water. The priest looks at them and says, "Do you have something to confess?"
Tom steps forward first and excitedly says, "I robbed a bank! See? Here's a bag with all the money!"
"Ah, that is a very bad deed. You may drink of the holy water," says the priest.
Dick steps forward next and says with much enthusiasm, "I went and mugged and robbed an old lady! See? Here's her purse!"
"My son, you have sinned. You may drink of the holy water," responds the priest.
Then the priest turns to Harry, who is doing all he can to contain his laughter. "Harry," says the priest, "why are you laughing? What bad deed have you done, that you may drink of the holy water?"
With a burst of hysterical laughter, Harry exclaims, "I PEED IN THE HOLY WATER!"
3 little people are sitting at a table the first one says, "boy I think I might have the smallest hands in the world."
The second one says, "that's nothing i'm pretty sure I have the smallest feet in the world."
The third one says, "I might have the smallest penis in the world"
The next day a representative from the Guiness book of world records comes in and measures each person's claims. After getting the results the first one says, "I do have the smallest hands in the world!"
The second one says, "I can't believe ti, I do have the smallest feet in the world!"
The third one visibly upset says, " I can't believe it, I dont have the smallest penis in the world......WHO THE FUCK IS URBAN MEYER!"
You win! Congrats! I can't stop laughing
Can we sticky this thread? Always good to have a few good jokes in the holster for interviews, dinners and such. I know I could easily Google a few but I like what I'm seeing here.
It would get us every time.
*Driving across a railroad crossing*
My dad with a sensing look on his face says to us, "Hmm...looks like a train just went by."
We ALWAYS ask, "How can you tell?"
Dad: Because there are its tracks.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
No Little Johnny Jokes?
Ask and you shall receive. Sorry for the length.
It's the first day of 1st grad and the teacher has already heard what a trouble maker Little Johnny is. She says to the class "Today, we are going to learn about the word definitely. Can someone use the word definitely properly in a sentence?" Everyone raises their hands but little Johnny is in the back row going "oh oh oh pick me." The teacher, knowing that's the last person she wants to pick, picks Jessica.
Jessica goes, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher goes, okay class, now does anything disagree with that? A few kids raise their hands but Little Johnny is still in the back row going "oh oh oh pick me pick me." Again she doesn't want to do that so she picks Andrew in the front row and he says, "At night, the sky is black." The teacher says "You're right Andrew, that probably isn't the best use of definitely is it."
She asks again and of course Johnny is still trying to get picked but she picks Brian and he says " The grass is definitely green." The teacher asks if anyone disagrees and after being called on Lauren says, "during the winter, the grass turns yellow" and the teacher says, "You're right, that's probably not the best use of definitely is it."
She asks if anyone has any more and the whole class is scared to tell theirs now that the first 2 got proven wrong, except Little Johnny is still in the back row going "oh oh oh..."Reluctantly, the teacher says "Yes Johnny?" And Little Johnny says "Teacher can I ask you a question first?" and the teacher replies yes so he asks, "Are farts lumpy?"
The teacher instantly becomes furious and says "Johnny, that's disgusting I cannot believe you would ask that! But to answer your question, no farts are not lumpy!" So Johnny smiles and responds, "Then I definitely shit my pants!"
If at first you don't succeed, you are not Chuck Norris.
Guy finds a lamp, rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie says he will grant the man whatever he wishes but that his wife will get double the wish. The man agrees and tells the genie he wants a new car. The genie gives him a car and sends two to his wife. Next the man asks for a new house. The genie gives the man his new house and gives two to the man's wife. The genie tells the man he has one last wish remaining and that he should think a bit longer on his final wish. Without hesitation the man says he knows what he wants his last wish to be. The genie reminds him that whatever he gets his wife will get double. The man quickly responds, "I want you to beat me half to death."
but kudos regardless.
One fine Saturday, the local rabbi, who loves playing golf in any minute of spare time he has, looks out the window and thinks, "what a beautiful day. If it weren't the Sabbath and a day of rest I'd spend all day out on the course." And the more he looks, the more he thinks what a shame it would be not to be outside. So he finally decides, "God gave us this beautiful fine day and he didn't mean for it to go to waste," and grabs his clubs and heads out.
One of the angels sees this and goes running to God and says, "God, look - one of your holy rabbis is breaking the Sabbath! See, there he is on the golf course." God takes a look and says, don't worry, I'll take care of him.
So the rabbi gets to the first tee and hits the most perfect drive of his life. In fact it's such a great shot it goes right in - a hole in one. The angel goes angrily back to God and says, "I thought you were going to fix him good, and you reward him with a hole in one? Why?" God smirks and says, "Who's he going to tell?"
Only the Boston bombers successfully ended a race...
I think you may have successfully made this thread awkward.
I will be stealing this though!
And BOOM goes the dynamite!
NCAA complience in the SEC.
Three salesman are driving down a country road close to dusk. Being so far from any town and not wanting to drive in pitch-darkness, they pull up to a farmhouse and ask the farmer for a place to spend the night. The farmer agrees, but says that he only has one spare room. However, the bed in that room is large enough that all three salesmen should fit on it. The salesmen thank the farmer and go up to the spare bed, where they get in and sleep the night.
In the morning, the three salesmen are getting ready to head back out to their car. The salesman who slept on the left side of the bed says, "I don't mean to be awkward, but I had the best, most vivid sex dream last night." The salesman who slept on the right says, "That's amazing, I also had a wild sex dream last night! It was unbelievable!" The salesman who slept in the middle says, "God dammit, you guys had these great sex dreams, and all I had was a lame dream about going skiing."
Spartan academics
/rimshot
-Two men walk into a bar, third one ducks.
- Termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bar tender?"
-A man walked into a bar, and said "Ouch"
-Ask me if Im a tree...Are you a tree? No.
And there's always this classic:
Bear with me on this.
4 buddies are driving back home from a fishing trip when they crash the truck, and they all die. They come up to the gates to be judged by god. The first guy steps up and god asks him:
God: "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Guy 1: "Not once god. I'm totally clean. I love my wife"
God: "I know you didn't. Which is why I'm letting you into heaven with the gold cadillac"
Guy 2 steps up...
God: "ok, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Guy 2: "Well god, I'm sorry to admit that I did have a time of weakness, but it was just once. I never betrayed my wife from then on, and I love my wife."
God: "Yeah I know it was just the one time, and I believe you. So I'm going to let you in with a nice Camry."
Guy 3 steps up....
God: "Well....how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Guy 3: *sigh* "I'm so sorry god. I slipped up twice, and I regret both times."
God: "It's alright. I know about the two occassions, but I believe you as well. I'm going to let you in with a Civic."
Guy 4 steps up...
God: Alright you know the drill. How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
*long pause*
Guy 4: *sigh* "God I'm not going to bs you. I cheated on my wife several times. I made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I'm begging your forgiveness."
God: "I know son. I believe your sincerity. So I'm not going to leave you high and dry. I think I have an old Pinto way in the back of lot that still runs. You can take that."
Guy 4: "Thank you so much god."
About a year goes by, and the 4 buddies all bump into eachother at an intersection. Guy 1 is sitting behind the wheel just crying his eyes out. His 3 friends jump out of their cars and run over to him.
Guy 2: "What's the matter man?"
Guy 3: "Yeah what could you possibly be upset about?"
Guy 4: "I would've thought you'd be thrilled with your gold cadillac cruising around heaven."
Guy 1: "Ohh sure it's been great, but I just found out my wife died and god let her into heaven."
3 Friends: "Yeah so???"
Guy 1: "Well I just saw her 1 street back riding around on a damn skateboard!!!!!"
Lickalotapuss.
Jose and Hose B...
Erwin Schrodinger gets pulled over by a police officer, who decides to search his trunk. Cop says "Hey, you know you have a dead cat in here?" Schrodinger replies, "Well, I do now."
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Three southern belles are sitting on the verandah and discover that they are all married to men named Marvin. They decide to nickname their Marvins after soda pop so that they can tell them apart.
The first southern belle says "I'm going to name my Marvin Mountain Dew, because he comes from the mountains and he likes to do, do, do it all the time."
The second southern belle says, "I'm going to name my Marvin 7 UP, because it's seven inches long, and it's always up!".
The third southern belle announces that she's going to name her Marvin Jack Daniels.
"You can't name your Marvin Jack Daniels! That's not a soda pop, that's a hard liquor!".
"Un huh."
do you like toast too?
If it were easy it would be your mom!
There's only three types of people in this world, those who know how to count and those who don't...
There are two types of people in this world... And I don't like them.
Not sure if it's my "go to" joke, but it is a good one, IMO.
What's the difference between a lesbian marathon and a tribe of Pigmies?
The tribe of Pigmies is merely a pack of cunning runts!
:)
Following you into the john and watching you take a leak.
Much better when told by my client.
A traveling salesman walks in a bar. On the counter is a bucket full of money and next to it is a horse. The salesman ask the bartender, "what’s up with the bucket of money and horse?" The bartender explains that they are having a contest. For ten bucks, if you can make the horse laugh, the bucket of money is yours.
The salesman places the ten bucks into the bucket proceeds to whisper into the horse’s ear. The horse start to laugh profusely. The salesman grabs the money and proceeds out of the bar.
A few weeks later the traveling salesman returns to the bar. There is the same bucket full of money and the horse. The bartender explains this time for ten bucks, if you can make the horse cry the money is yours. The salesman places ten bucks in the bucket and takes the horse into the back room. The horse comes out crying.
The bartender tells the salesman, I’ll let you have the money, but tell me how did you get the horse to laugh and cry. The salesman says first I told the horse that my dick was bigger than his. The second time I showed him.
What sound does a baby make when you microwave it?
I don't know, I was too busy masterbating.
Get off this blog.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
There isn't a Ferrari in my garage