Unfrozen Caveman Linebacker Recruiting
With apologies to Black Heart Gold Pants. And all of you.
This space has remarked on how deeply uncomfortable linebackers coach Mark Smith appears in all photos before. In this he is the opposite of Tim Hardaway's photogenic appeal.
This here is a Mark Smith keeper from Michigan's latest trip to Colerain:
Unfrozen Caveman Position Coach is confused and frightened by this camera business
Colerain is LB commit Joe Bolden's school, FWIW. I like to think his recruitment went like this:
Ladies and gentlemen of the Bolden family, I'm just a caveman. I don't know much about this modern world of yours, but I do know how to hunt and eat wild game. As your position coach I will teach you to hunt and eat the king of game: man. Did you know man is the sweetest of all mea—
Well… what Mark's trying to say is that Michigan's unmatched tradition and the superior technique coaching you will receive make Ann Arbor the best place for you. He is not talking about killing and eating your opposition, except—and I want to make this explicitly clear—in a metaphorical sense.
I am 100% sincere about eating the still-beating hearts of opposing running backs.
Together we will suck the marrow from the bones of the Midwest.
METAPHORICALLY FERGODSAKES
[two hours later, just outside of Dayton.]
I told you good cannibal-bad cannibal would work.
This modern contraption frightens and confuses me!
When we get to Wormley's house, I get to be the unfrozen caveman.
The sweetest of all meats. …
All meats.
Well… you're probably right. You've got that bit down. And that says something coming from me.
SCENE
December 15th, 2011 at 2:57 PM ^
are we sure he is a future MLB? looks more like a WILL
December 15th, 2011 at 3:08 PM ^
You have to put the two of them together. One is Joe, the other is Bolden. Together...? They're unstoppable.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:00 PM ^
The Hoke double point never fails to deliver.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:01 PM ^
of fast LBs that attack the line with reckless abandon and arrive with a bad attitude and utter disregard for their bodies. The only ones better are those who like to hunt and eat their kill, metaphorically speaking, and before the whistle, of course. I also prefer them dressed in Maize and Blue.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:03 PM ^
(Unlike 2 out of 3 Hokies...)
I'd pay to see that.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:03 PM ^
Nice break in the middle of a work day to happen upon this. Very funny.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:07 PM ^
I couldn't stop laughing "The sweetest of all meats. …"
December 15th, 2011 at 3:09 PM ^
Hahaha well done, unlike Mark Smith's preferred style of running back heart. Also, Ferrigno isn't exactly the worlds most camera-friendly human, either:
December 15th, 2011 at 3:14 PM ^
I know this will add zero to the discussion, but the amount of amusement I got from this small skit compelled me to comment and give it 2 thumbs up. Well done, and when I need another laugh, I will read it again. It has to be good for several or 6 readings.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:16 PM ^
In the most literal sense!
December 15th, 2011 at 3:21 PM ^
Comment deleted.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:22 PM ^
and to the poster who talked about the photogenic nature of another position coach I say...do we have any that look good in front of a camera? I guess Brady when he is pointing. Maybe Montgomery and Mallory, but that would be about it. The rest seem to be of the aged and balding variety...NTTAWWT.
December 15th, 2011 at 6:19 PM ^
We don't need no stinkin' prettyboys. We're MEN.
Dirty, ugly, sweaty, smelly, (bald), MEN.
YEAH!!!
December 15th, 2011 at 7:28 PM ^
The last thing we need is a photogenic staff. GERG probably wasted countless hours per year doing his hair. Mattison just puts on his cap and is ready to go. Baldness = efficiency.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:35 PM ^
First the message board posts about 'A Modest Proposal' this morning and now a post with undertones of 'The Most Dangerous Game'... I feel like I'm back in 11th grade English and I LOVE IT.
December 15th, 2011 at 6:23 PM ^
He had never slept in a more comfortable bed, Joe Bolden decided.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:36 PM ^
That was TREMENDOUS.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:37 PM ^
Though at least one of those "weellllll"'s should be an "I don't know....". We know it wasn't a real transcript, because there wasn't one "tremendous."
December 15th, 2011 at 3:42 PM ^
I love how Hoke's sentences all start with "Well,". It's a running joke in our house. Watch any interview with Hoke and count how many times he starts off with "well".
December 15th, 2011 at 4:46 PM ^
You are not alone.
December 15th, 2011 at 5:23 PM ^
LOVED the Tremendous thrown in the middle there.
Well, that was tremendous.
December 15th, 2011 at 4:56 PM ^
please advise.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:45 PM ^
The best part is where Bolden says he's "in" with eating the still beating hearts of opposing RBs. I mean other than the Epic Hoke Double Point of Victory.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:48 PM ^
This makes me miss the fake chat room diaries we had at one point. I don't remember who wrote them but they were always fantastic.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:52 PM ^
R.I.P. Phil Hartman
December 15th, 2011 at 5:24 PM ^
Your 3-3-5 defense scares and confuses me...
December 15th, 2011 at 3:54 PM ^
What is the defenition of trust?
Two Cannibals 69'ing.
December 15th, 2011 at 4:29 PM ^
A "Pokemon"!
December 15th, 2011 at 4:05 PM ^
Did not see that quip coming. Top notch!
December 15th, 2011 at 4:17 PM ^
I swear for years any time I brought up the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer skit from SNL i was looked at like I was an alien. Thanks for being That Guy (not the Gruden variety) with me.
December 16th, 2011 at 10:12 AM ^
My close friends from home and I will toss out a "I'm just a caveman," every once in a while, but it doesn't get you anywhere with a general audience.
December 15th, 2011 at 4:20 PM ^
great job! a nice way to brighten this gloomy weathered day in northern Illinois. Thanks. Metaphorically speaking of course.
December 15th, 2011 at 5:02 PM ^
the only thing wrong with the conversation is that Hoke's sentences make too much sense. he normally starts with one thing, throws in a "and what i mean by that" and ends up on a totally different end and normally the sentence isn't even completed.
December 15th, 2011 at 9:47 PM ^
...I was starting to feel Mark Smith out there in the recruiting process with Joe Bolden, and what I mean by that is he's a football coach. He's unorthodox sometimes but he's a tremendous football coach and an example of him being a football coach is when he knifed in and tackled Joe's desire for raw meat. That's a football coach aggressively displaying his cannibalism and being physical at the point of attack....
December 16th, 2011 at 12:56 AM ^
"Variations on a Theme by BHGP, by Brian Cook"
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