On Being Steve Buscemi
So, about that game against that school: does anyone else feel a little bit like Marge Gunderson right now?
As the rest of the world laughs at Dave Brandon's decision to dredge up a not very nice thing that happened a while back I keep thinking of the scene at the end of Fargo where Grimsrud is in the back of the squad car, mute, as Marge tries to figure out what's in his head:
MARGE ... So that was Mrs. Lundegaard in there? She glances up in the rear-view mirror. Grimsrud, cheeks sunk, eyes hollow, looks sourly out at the road. Marge shakes her head. At length: MARGE ... I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. Grimsrud's head bobs with bumps on the road; otherwise he is motionless, reactionless, scowling and gazing out. MARGE ... And those three people in Brainerd. No response. Marge, gazing forward, seems to be talking to herself. MARGE ... And for what? For a little bit of money. We hear distant sirens. MARGE ... There's more to life than money, you know. She glances up in the rear-view mirror. MARGE ... Don't you know that?... And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day...
Marge is trying to comprehend an alien intelligence's decisions. That's where I find myself today. I can't begin to fathom the kind of thinking that would go into scheduling Appalachian State again. I get there are reasons, just like Grimsrud had reasons, but for the reasons to win out over the costs the kind of value judgments that are going on in the decision-maker's head must be frightening.
Meanwhile, instead of being mute Brandon is reminding us not to shoot anyone. Thanks, Dave Brandon. I'll try to remember not to shoot anyone this fall. Then there's this:
Oh, each team wanted to win. Players mentioned how their nerves came into play. There were sweaty palms, and probably a few "yips" on the green. And when the match was over, there was some fun "trash talk," but there were more laughs and hugs -- and respect for each other.
Not being mute is only exacerbating this divide.
We've had hints of this for a while now, but this is the last straw: Dave Brandon is not a Michigan fan. He may want Michigan to win but he has no concept of what the fanbase thinks is important. In the last year he's suggested or executed the following:
- moving the Ohio State game to midseason
- putting Michigan in a different division than Ohio State
- curly fries in Michigan Stadium
- a sponsored spring game
- a mascot
- scheduling The Horror: The Squeakuel
He has failed to:
- summarily execute Special K on the diag
In the aftermath of people blowing up about these things, he wrote jerky emails and said he "can't see how it would be a negative" to dig up the most infamous upset in NCAA history. These are not good signs. Dave Brandon is going to create the future whether you like being put in a wood chipper or not.
ALIEN VERSUS HORROR NEUTRAL BLOGGER REACT ROUNDUP
this is the single dumbest scheduling decision we can remember, and the most craven once since Indiana sold out one of their own Big Ten home games to play at a "neutral site" full of Penn State fans.
No matter what happens, greater glory is paid the lowest point in the history of the Michigan football program in exchange for national television exposure. This is Michigan football becoming a celebrity rehab patient. This is Michigan's amateur sex tape that no one wants to buy. We're beginning to think Dave Brandon is not a very smart person. We're beginning to also think this will all end with this Michigan team losing this game in 2014, and then beating Florida in the 2015 Outback Bowl.
the athletic department has scheduled what it’s going to have to call a revenge match with Appalachian State, a concept too hysterical to even contemplate.
Aug. 30, 2014, is two days shy of the seventh anniversary of the most stunning upset in college football history, long enough for everyone involved in Appalachian State's 34-32 miracle in the Big House to have graduated, retired or otherwise moved on from the respective programs, but not nearly long enough for Michigan fans to get over the festering humiliation that sent the program into a four-year spiral from which it's only beginning to emerge.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:41 PM ^
Judging by the reaction on the board, a lot of people DO want to duck them, so its not that nuts.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:47 PM ^
the reason "ducking" is in quotes is because it's not "ducking". you duck a bully who takes your lunch money every day. a bully who doesn't pick on a penniless girl isn't ducking the girl.
August 26th, 2011 at 4:14 PM ^
Because no one, in in the world, now or in the future, would ever even dream of thinking or saying that not playing App. St. again is "ducking" them. The concept itself is ludicrous. Except perhaps the App St blog writer if there is one.
August 26th, 2011 at 5:15 PM ^
Dude, saying we shouldn't play them is ducking them.
August 26th, 2011 at 5:47 PM ^
We shouldn't be playing or scheduling Slippery Rock, Oh no, cue the "ducking" chorus!. Come on man, logic is your friend.
August 27th, 2011 at 2:06 AM ^
Slipper Rock is D-3. We can't play them, by rule. Why NOT play a good FCS team if we're going to play an FCS team? Won't we get more out of it from an improvement standpoint? Isn't it better to play someone that we should beat but won't be like Delaware State was? There are only a handful of FCS programs that fit such a description; App State is one of those programs. Many of the others that come to mind from the past 10-15 years have already moved up to D-1. Heck, what if App State is D-1 by that time? The major hurdle to getting to D-1 is that you have to have averaged over 20k in attendance per game at home over a multi-year span. Obviously, you also have to be able to afford it (though hell, a lot of current 1-A teams can't really "afford" it). Many of the FCS schools are in somewhat remote places and/or don't have the stadium capacity, which makes the attendance hurdle. . . a hurdle.
August 27th, 2011 at 3:06 PM ^
an FCS team.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:24 PM ^
I was born and raised in Michigan but since I graduated from Ferris State I have moved quite a bit. Texas, South Carolina, Georgia, and I also travel from projects a lot to subcontractors all over the country. Of course I always wear my Michigan hat and no matter where I go there is the inevitable, "So when y'all gonna play App State again. Not Sceered are ya?" (Obviously this is a quote from Texas).
Let's get it over with and be done with it.
August 26th, 2011 at 9:14 PM ^
Look, there is little "objective" value to beating App State. There won't be an ESPN film if we whip them by 50. It has subjective value to our program--and that is enough reason to play them again and again and again until App State declines an invitation to play in the Big House. We won't let those little bastards beat us again; we are a proud program to remember our past and take on opponents that have embarrassed us. Michigan is bigger than the memory of that loss. Yes, in scheduling App State the whole country will remember how big of an upset it was; Buckeye fans will piss themselves with glee glorifying in the glow of that awful day.
We are Michigan. Our tradition is bigger than a mere loss. We can prove that by playing them again, reliving the past, then planting a new course for a dynasty by trashing a team that gave us nightmares. This matters subjectively--there is a history; we can get past it by reliving and ultimately destroying that team multiple times to overshadow a solitary horrid loss. Hell, let’s go to their home and destroy them in front of their own fans.
I want to see those bastards stomped out like a wasted cigarette, spat upon, then given a golden shower for good measure. I want to see App State fans crying. I want to see players weeping on the sideline, begging their athletic director not to schedule Michigan again. After destroying App State, again and again and again, I want Brady Hoke to point to wherever Carr is sitting in the pressbox, and remind him how a team practices and is ready to play on game day.
Brian, what would Bo do? (A new t-shrt idea...) Would Bob duck these little shits or would he want to play App State again, destroying them, to remind everyone that Michigan does not get beat at home by a Division I-AA squad.
August 26th, 2011 at 10:59 PM ^
We are Michigan. Our tradition is bigger than a mere loss.Exactly. There's no reason to play them again. They won. Congrats to them. Nobody is hiding from the past. Playing them again doesn't change the past. This isn't about revenge. This is about Dave Brandon and moneybags. Brandon sees an opportunity to go after money and he's doing it. He just put Michigan's 2014 opener into the limelight. He just found an excuse to make the 2014 opener a $100 ticket as opposed to an $85 ticket. He sees publicity. That's all he cares about. He doesn't care about Michigan as much as he cares about the bottom line. That's not to say he doesn't care about Michigan, but he's more than willing to sacrifice a lot for the sake of a few dollars.
August 26th, 2011 at 1:56 PM ^
I think you misspelled "Squeakquel".
Yes, I looked that up. Yes, I am ashamed.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:03 PM ^
Other than that the post is fucking perfect.
August 26th, 2011 at 1:57 PM ^
Yesterday I thought playing App State was stupid. Today, I am thinking that if we can't beat these guys by four or more touchdowns, the program is in deep crap.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:02 PM ^
Moving the Ohio State game to midseaso Putting Michigan in a different division than Ohio State Curly fries in Michigan Stadium Sponsored spring game A mascot Scheduling The Horror: The SqueakuelI guess I'm not a Michigan fan either, because I really don't give a shit about any of these things except App State, which is pretty stupid. In my "not a Michigan fan" opinion, playing OSU in the last game of the season, then again the next week in the championship is painfully stupid. Furthermore, putting the traditionally best teams in the same division would also be a bad call. Finally, a guy in a furry suit will not nuke the university, nor will it change anything that the players do on the field.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:20 PM ^
Not being a Michigan fan is a bit of hyperbole on Brian's part, I'm sure. But you must know that these opinions put you in the minority here, and probably among the fanbase at large, right?
I can make the same rationalizations you do about the triviality of mascots and decades-old traditions in the grand scheme of the universe. I just refuse to.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:25 PM ^
I think Brian's point is that what makes a brand marketable and valuable is the characteristics that distinguish it from the rest of the festering mass of entites competing for the same eyeballs/dollars. All of the actions he just listed, in one way or another, dilute Michigan's brand. Especially, contrary to your assertion, diminishing the importance of the game. That is probably the most valuable part of our very valuable brand. And it has been put asunder on the off chance that we could have a bastardized game II in the RCA dome for the benefit of everyone in the Big Ten but us. So. Stupid.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:37 PM ^
If anything diminishes the importance of the game, it's knowing that it means nothing because we have a rematch for the title the very next week, and there was no way Brandon was going to convince Delaney to not have a championship. Should we just secede?
Furthermore, for all the hate being spewed on Brandon for being obsessed with money, our fans sure are obsessed with upgrades. Everyone loves the new field house, the new weight room, the new screens, the new varsity sport etc, but the fact of the matter is this: those things cost money. In order to have money, you have to make it.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:52 PM ^
yet you're still in the camp that Michigan and OSU should not be in the same division? When The Game would have very large impact on the division title (and probably the conference title, if both teams are as good as they've historically been), putting them in the same division seemed like the only logical solution that gives Michigan the best from the past while allowing for a Conference Championship game.
Meanwhile, putting The Game earlier in the season with the current division alignment is the worst of the 3 options because one of the reasons The Game is so great is because it's held at the same time every year. When no significance is gained by moving it sooner in the season, the only thing accomplished is destroying what is essentially a holiday that both teams celebrate at the same time every year.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:34 PM ^
If Michigan and Ohio were in the same division then only one can go to the championship game. The championship game is specifically for the two best teams in the conference. Which traditionally has been Michigan and Ohio. With this solution they still play at least The Game and possibly play for the championship and maybe someday for the right to play for the National Championship.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:57 PM ^
The argument is that the regular season matchup loses its meaning if it's possible that Michigan and OSU will simply rematch in the conference championship game. By putting Michigan and OSU in the same division, the loser of The Game knows it's virtually screwed when vying for a chance at the Big Ten Championship. As Chunkums pointed out, by placing each team in opposite divisions, there's a chance The Game to have no meaning, or be essentially a scrimmage before the Big Ten Championship version of The Game.
This by no means will diminish The Game, because it'll still be played with the conference title on the line. It just won't matter in the regular season if each team has already clinched their division.
August 26th, 2011 at 11:16 PM ^
Michigan-OSU needs to be at the end of the year, every year. Simple as that. If that requires the possibility for a rematch, so be it.
August 26th, 2011 at 11:20 PM ^
Oklahoma-Nabraska were put in different divisions. That great rivalry fizzled out. Oklahoma-Texas were put in the same division. That rivalry grew and prospered.
Look at some of the great rivalries within the SEC East (FL-TN, FL-GA) and within the West (AL-AU, AL-LSU).
Being in the same division does not diminish a rivalry, it increases it.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:56 PM ^
Hmmm.... could we have solved that with another thing on Brian's list? By jove, I think we could have. If UM and OSU were in the same division, problem solved. And the counter argument that UM and OSU needed to be separated is silly. Nebraska, Penn St. and Wisconsin would have been easily strong enough to assure that there is no Big 12 South/North problem.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:14 PM ^
My point is that historically, Ohio State and Michigan are far and away the best performing teams. With that in mind, putting them in the same division, while nice and cozy for us, would not fly with the rest of the conference. There is a certain point where Brandon is one athletic director in a conference of 12 teams, and he has to say and do things to support the company line. It's nice to consider M and OSU in the same division, (for two of the teams in the B1G which is mad of 12 teams) but I think it's just very hard to argue for if you want balanced divisions.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:22 PM ^
Michigan and Ohio State have won 2 national titles. Penn State and Nebraska have won 7. In the last 20 years, Wisconsin has won as many major bowl games as Michigan. If Dave Brandon had wanted to put Michigan and Ohio State in the same division (essentially swapping OSU for Nebraska) and couldn't get it done because other schools worried about competitive balance, then he sucks as an athletic director and a negotiator.
The fact is, the divisional alignment we have is exactly the one Brandon (and the folks at OSU) wanted us to have.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:26 PM ^
You say this as if it's fact. One thing I know from having past leadership experience is that very often you fight for something in private, then support the other side once the decision has been made, because that's what is best for the organization. We don't know what happened with Brandon behind closed doors. I would think that a former player under Bo Schembechler knows a thing or two about the significance of The Game.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:31 PM ^
If Michigan and Ohio State really wanted it to happen, how does it not get done? Texas A&M is leaving the Big 12 just because another team got a TV network. Nebraska did the same sort of thing.
You really think Purdue not wanting us in the same division (and I have no idea why they would really have a problem with it) could have prevented it from happening if Brandon wanted it to happen and is at all competent at his job?
August 26th, 2011 at 3:37 PM ^
You started by defending him for making these decisions. Now you seem to be defending him on the basis that they weren't his decisions. Do you really have an opinion here, or are you just playing devil's advocate? It's ok if you are, you just have to tell us first.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:40 PM ^
I started defending him for the positions, but I also recognize that we don't know as a fact that they were even his. Chances are, he did what he thought was best for Michigan, regardless of what angle is correct.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:36 PM ^
Last year I wrote this post about how a more or less straight east/west alignment provides balance based on the last nine years or so. But Brandon and the BIG apparently did not listen to me.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:41 PM ^
Wait, aren't we still playing OSU on the last weekend of the season, despite the potential for the bastardized game II?
Listen, the Big Ten expanding and adding a championship game was inevitable. THe college football landscape is changing and we had to change with it. There is no use sulking over it (this is not directed at you but at us fans in general).
With two division and a title game, there were two options for how to handle the rivalry. Either one would have changed the dynamics of that game and resulted with approximately 50% of people being unhappy.
That's just the way it is. Its not DB's fault. And we'd all better buckle up because things are probably going to continue to change over the next 10 years.
I'm not saying all change is good, but I am saying that we can either deal with it or be really miserable.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:47 PM ^
oohhhh....you clearly don't "get it"....j/k
August 26th, 2011 at 4:28 PM ^
that there isn't anything that makes any brand special except the functional execution of what that brand does (in this case, the football games M plays). Those people are wrong. Special brands have emotional connections that are built upon far more than what the brand actually does on paper. It is built on a number of things that combined make up the whole of what makes the brand special. That is a proven psychological fact. DB does not seem to understand this, and neither I'm afraid, do you. At least going by this comment.
August 26th, 2011 at 4:33 PM ^
Glad your opinions are facts. Noted.
August 26th, 2011 at 5:51 PM ^
It is a fact that brands are made up of more than their function. I can't help that. People that say a computer is a computer or car a car are wrong, plain and simple. But I didn't position my whole opinion that way. Reasonable people can disagree about whether we should be playing them again. But it is a fact that things beyond just the 60 minutes of the game make up what makes M football special.
August 26th, 2011 at 6:41 PM ^
"Trolling." That shows jut how good this new system is. /s
August 26th, 2011 at 1:58 PM ^
Jesus Christ, Doc Saturday, ever hear of a period? Also, this: "humiliation that sent the program into a four-year spiral from which it's only beginning to emerge." is not accurate. Who says we are "emerging?" We have yet to take the field as a non-RR coached team. I don't understand how that is possible.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:00 PM ^
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:02 PM ^
you are completely over the RR debacle. I'm OK w/ a grudge match against every...damn....body. To steal a line, there will be blood. And as The Lone Gunmen used to say about Scully, she's kind of hot.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:22 PM ^
this "may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first."
Am I alone in thinking Dave Brandon is kind of scarey? Seems like he's kind of lost the plot with some of these half-asses ideas he's throwing out. Curly Fries?!? CURLY FRIES?!?! ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?!?! But seriously...a mascot? Moving the OSU game? Digging up a moment that I (and I assume many other UM fans) have spent the last few years feverishly trying to drink enough to forget about? Horrible ideas; ideas that only seem like good ideas to Dave Brandon. And I never liked Domino's pizza.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:01 PM ^
that is all.
August 26th, 2011 at 4:31 PM ^
Maybe it's because his latest oevure du RR got rejected by the Board yesterday.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:04 PM ^
August 26th, 2011 at 2:22 PM ^
Because of the Horror, they will NEVER be "just another cupcake.". We could put 100 on them, and that would still not erase the Horror from the records.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:31 PM ^
Not playing them also doesn't erase it from the records. I just don't see this as a big deal.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:04 PM ^
I cannot think of a team that I want Michigan to play less than Appy State.
Not because 'I"m scared' but because of how the media MUST portray this game and the no win situation it creates.
There is, literally, no upside here and an unavoidable and huge downside that can only get unpossibly worse if the unthinkable repeats.
And yet, Brandon must have sought this out because it couldn't happen by accident.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:50 PM ^
The upside is more attention. More media, more ticket sales, more ratings. More.
It is the Paris Hilton/Kim Kardashian/Lindsay Lohan school of media relations. Where "more" is always better. Wherein even fights with waiters, or parking lot accidents, are better than no press at all.
I am glad that the writers are seeing straight through the notion that this is about anything other than marketing for marketing's sake, as if it were one of Lindsay Lohan's blouses. And it is true; Brandon is right. This is a game that will have everyone talking. A rematch with Delaware State is nothing. Another game with Eastern is nothing. Even a rematch with Toledo is nothing. It has to be Appalachian State. That's the one. I think Brandon is a major marketing wizard. A frightening, soulless marketing wizard.
I still say that we ought to make August 30, 2014 "Lloyd Carr Day" at Michigan Stadium. It will be high time that we honor the old fella.
August 26th, 2011 at 2:58 PM ^
Yes, this. This is the exact point. Orson and Brian are dead on. Brandon realizes he can get more cameras and asses in seats at the expense of our dignity. Hooray. As someone who was actually at the game, I have to say this completely sucks.
August 26th, 2011 at 3:23 PM ^
And I agree with Section 1. I think it's a good idea. Heck, it'll be more exciting of a game for me too. I will be anticipating seeing how we play against them, just as I am against San Diego State this year.
I think these tactical choices with blow-off games make for a more exciting season. More plotlines.
Every team has its embarrassing game. Why not own it and move on...make tomorrow's plotline, as well as tomorrow's headlines. At least there will be a plot, unlike another Eastern Michigan matchup.
August 26th, 2011 at 4:10 PM ^
In bars all across the country, from Austin to Norman to Tuscaloosa to Madison; the score everybody will be looking at, on August 30, 2014, will be "Appalachian State @ Michigan."
While Texas is playing North Texas State and Alabama is playing somebody like The Citadel, and nobody is paying any attention to any of them, "Michigan" will be the story that week. The reason is obvious.
No doubt, there will be a small handful of "matchup" games; our game with Alabama will be one of those games in 2012. But for what it is, this is just pure capitalizing on what is there.
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