MGoRoast
Perhaps it is just the stress of the season or the inevitable pushback from some of the older guard against the influx of new members, but MGoBlog has become a noticeably snarkier and more irritable place the past few weeks. There have been heated arguments about Denard and his health, about Tate and whether or not he was "in for Michigan" and if he should transfer, how bad the defense is and how GERG needs to go, concerns about the future of the program with regards to recruiting, position battles and alignments, and the list just goes on and on. New posters have been criticized for providing nothing more than opinions and non-sequiters on the Board instead of useful insights, while established members have been framed as cranky old blue hairs who need to chill out a bit with the "new kids."
Now, this is no way for the best Michigan site (and arguably the best college sports site) on the Internet to function, especially during what should be the triumphant return of UM back to at least respectability, if not national prominence. So, in the immortal conflict-resolution style of Michael Scott, I bring you my MGoRoast for 2010.
- Brand New Posters, thanks for telling us that the defense sucks - that 20-point barrier must have been a hurdle for you...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Older Posters, way to realize you are obsessive about a sport you'll never ever play again before everyone else...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- People who rail against the Freep, how's the weather back in 2009...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- iPhone posters, thanks for letting us know you posted your comment while pooping...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Conflict mediators, nobody likes Switzerland...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- People who embed videos, youtube is awesome, especially when it takes up the whole screen...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Grammar sticklers, your rediculous and need too chill out even when their are obvious mistakes...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Point counters, I'll +1 once you stop posting crap...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- MS Paint knockoffs, shouldn't you be posting or 4chan with the rest of the meme-makers...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- People with misleading titles, they do have vowels and prepositions where you come from...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Recruiting posters, how about you put down the Mike's Hard Lemonade and take a seat next to Pedobear ...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
And since I'm on fire like Eddie Murphy, I'm going to roast the team:
- Denard, your dreadlocks make you look like a hippie and use some of that dilithium to run out of bounds faster...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Tate, you are 5'2", weigh 95 pounds, and you look like a young Ron Howard...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Mike Martin, you might be strong, but Kelsey Grammer is far more believable as the Beast...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Death Roh, nice nickname, but shave those eyebrows before you suffocate a QB...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Taylor Lewan, everyone calls you Donkey, but with that finger mustache you sure look like an a$$...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Obi, I'd ask you to pick up lunch for me one day, but you'd stand in front of the counter for 10 minutes without ordering until a bus boy bumped into you...BOOM, MGoRasted!
- Jonas Mouton, my son would have hit the UMass QB harder, and he's not even conceived yet...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- FG kickers, you've missed so many FGs that you've created a whole new offensive philosophy designed to keep you off the field...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Hagerup, The Space Emperor's farts could move the ball farther than your punts...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Big Will, I couldn't decide between a fat joke and a semi-aquatic fish eating mammal joke...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Prison abs, how about less sit-ups and more playing on the two-deep...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Kouvacs, start eating more of the Grit everyone keeps throwing at you or else you're going to stay a Homunculus for the rest of your life...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Stonum, are they casting Stefan Urquelle in the movie version of Family Matters...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Cam Gordon, you must have been asleep when the coaches told everyone to keep TEs in front of you...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Fred Jackson, you probably think this roast is as good as any from Jeff Ross, only 1,000,000 better...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- GERG, how about a little less "Touch of Gray" and a little more "Touch of Play Action defense"...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- Calvin Magee, you crush your wife when you have sex...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
- RR, I do believe that Rome was built in less time than it took for you to turn UM's offense around...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
And finally
- People who don't post anything substantive but complain about content, stop copying bronxblue's style...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
September 28th, 2010 at 1:59 PM ^
but knew I'd get fact-checked, and these top few are good enough by themselves
September 28th, 2010 at 2:24 PM ^
And thanks to Russell Brand, we know what Brian would look like with a stylist, a speedo, and several random tattoos...BOOM
September 28th, 2010 at 5:54 PM ^
this one on yahoo...
September 28th, 2010 at 1:50 PM ^
of the walk-on safety Jordan Kovacs. BOOM, MGoRoasted!
But srsly, this was great
September 28th, 2010 at 2:03 PM ^
MGoPlusOne'd!
September 28th, 2010 at 2:05 PM ^
Cameron Gordon, beating you in pass coverage is so easy, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. No, it's like shooting in a barrel. Hell, beating you in pass coverage is like being anywhere near a barrel. BOOM, MGoRoasted!
September 28th, 2010 at 2:26 PM ^
My signature aside, if I could +1 from my iPhone I totally would do it.
September 28th, 2010 at 4:53 PM ^
-1 for making me laugh in the middle of class when everybody else was silent.
September 28th, 2010 at 2:19 PM ^
Your defenses adjust less during the course of a game than your hair does.
BOOM. MGoRoasted.
September 28th, 2010 at 2:21 PM ^
September 28th, 2010 at 2:23 PM ^
Hey Ray Vinopal, Danny Devito thinks your legs are stumpy...BOOM MGoRoasted!
Hey Dee Hart, Alabama called. They don't want you anymore...BOOM MGoRoasted!
September 28th, 2010 at 2:24 PM ^
I'm in love with this thread. I want to move in with it.
September 28th, 2010 at 2:27 PM ^
But are you pooping?
September 28th, 2010 at 2:31 PM ^
I'd rather not discuss my bowel movements on a public forum.
September 28th, 2010 at 2:33 PM ^
a yes!
September 28th, 2010 at 2:36 PM ^
~@~ : gchat emoticon.
September 28th, 2010 at 2:33 PM ^
there wasn't any Lisa Lampanelli.
September 28th, 2010 at 2:36 PM ^
I think Lisa Lampanelli swallowed Will Campbell. That must be why he hasn't played much lately.
September 28th, 2010 at 4:01 PM ^
Her mouth or vagina?
September 28th, 2010 at 9:57 PM ^
Does it matter?
September 28th, 2010 at 2:34 PM ^
THE_KNOWLEDE:
.
What's with all the paragraph breaks and periods after each sentence?
.
Are these meant to be long pauses so that your readers can properly soak in the utter genius of your statements?
.
Yes?
.
Then you are
.
.
Jim Rome.
.
Yes.
.
BOOM,
.
MGoRoasted.
September 28th, 2010 at 2:39 PM ^
The snark quotient and sarcasm and nastiness has gone way too high for me at Mgoblog. While I long ago left boards that were just stupid with insults (OSU SUX!!! MICHIGAN ROX!!!!) the venom and vitriol and panic and meanness in some of the threads is starting to wear on me. I'm prob due for an mgobreak for several weeks (if you can't stand the heat . . . )
This, however helps. Thanks for brightening my day!
September 28th, 2010 at 2:53 PM ^
This was definitely the thread to bring up your greviences in. Take that levity!
September 28th, 2010 at 3:08 PM ^
September 28th, 2010 at 3:37 PM ^
Northwestern, congrats on your great academics and clever innovation. You're the first BCS conference school to invent a visitors-only stadium...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
OSU, the SEC called. No, not really, but you'd better go change your underwear now...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
PSU, congrats on getting Kevin Newsome, who's twice as good as Tate Forcier will ever be... at benchwarming...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
Purdue, how about getting those Boilermakers to make you some traditions that aren't a cheap ripoff of U of M's...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
MSU, getting your football players to go to prison doesn't count as graduation or job placement...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
Wisconsin, just because your coach is fat doesn't mean your running backs have to be too...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
Iowa, congrats on getting Lloyd Lite to coach you for twice the money...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
Indiana, fewer tantrums and more wins plz...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
Minnesota, Western Kentucky called. They want to know when you'll stop making 1-A look like crap...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
Illinois, you have a rivalry with Michigan in the same way that gamblers have a rivalry with casinos...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
Magnus, I love your avatars, especially the hot chick. Are you only gonna pick images of people you secretly want to be?...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
BGHP, Carrottop called. He wants to know when you'll stop running the same repetitive joke into the ground...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
September 28th, 2010 at 4:20 PM ^
Notre Dame, Glory called, she says she doesn't want you to return, so get over it...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
September 28th, 2010 at 3:45 PM ^
I had to make the transition from mgoreader to mgoposter just because of this thread.
If I could I would +1 everyone involved. Possibly my favorite thread ever.
September 28th, 2010 at 3:50 PM ^
Now, this is no way for the best Michigan site (andarguablythe best college sports site) on the Internet to function...
FIFY
September 28th, 2010 at 4:00 PM ^
Pretty impressive. I was on my way to an MGoHiatus until this post. Try to slip in a Mike Cox/That's what she said and you're perfect.
September 28th, 2010 at 4:26 PM ^
I tried to slip Mike Cox in, but she said, "no means no."
September 28th, 2010 at 4:30 PM ^
-1 for not roasting me
September 28th, 2010 at 4:58 PM ^
The past 3 seasons of The Office have sucked ass ... BOOM ROASTED
September 28th, 2010 at 4:59 PM ^
Ray Charles could've fielded a return team without sending out two players with the same number...BOOM, MGoRoasted!
September 28th, 2010 at 5:50 PM ^
Nobody is roasting you because you've become irrelevant. If you become anymore irrelevant, You can change your name to...NotreDameFan1997! BOOM MGOROASTED
September 28th, 2010 at 10:05 PM ^
"BOOM, MGoRoasted!" might be my new favorite phrase.
September 28th, 2010 at 10:07 PM ^
Purdue, I just wanted to thank you for providing me with endless reasons to say "They Purdidn't" when someone asks me how the Purdue/Whoever game went. BOOM, MGoRoasted!
September 28th, 2010 at 10:13 PM ^
The following list is for people with chronic can't-spell-names-correctly-for-shit itis:
Weis =/= Weiss
Woolfolk =/= Woolfork
Rogers =/= Rodgers
Mallett =/= Mallet
Lidstrom =/= Lindstrom
Shafer =/= Shaffer
And lastly, for my boss specfically: I told you a month and a half ago that Chad "Hankey" declared for the draft after the '07/'08 season and is the starting QB for the Miami Dolphins. Quit pretending you knew that all along.
BOOM, MGoRoasted!
September 29th, 2010 at 12:27 AM ^
Justin Boren won't
Crush his wife like he does pie.
BOOM, MGoRoasted.